The language of conformity

How does society pressure us to conform to specific ways of doing things? It starts when we are young, when our creative ideas are often stifled or when we are distracted by others from pursuing them. The latter is a common device used by some teachers, parents, and politicians to try and distract students, children, and constituents from following their creative bents, in case those creative bents result in people who end up thinking for themselves, using their brains and their talents to define their lives rather than relying on society to define their lives for them. For example, how many young adults have been told to pursue a college education when they were clearly more suited for creative or vocational pursuits? The idea that college is for everyone has been oversold in our modern society. A college degree is useful for many types of jobs, but not necessary for all types of jobs. The pressure to conform to ‘going to college’ is strong, and in many cases, very costly, as college education (at least in the USA) costs quite a bit of money.

The language of conformity uses the following words/expressions:

• Should, as in You should do this or that
• Should have, as in You should have done this or that
• Don’t, as in Don’t waste your time on that endeavor
• Wouldn’t, as in I wouldn’t do that if I was you
• I told you so (self-explanatory)
• Good/bad, as in This is good for you, whereas that is bad for you
• Success/failure, as in You either succeed in life, or you fail
• Ambitious/lazy, as in You are either ambitious about achieving this or that goal, or you are not (lazy)
• Effective/inefficient, as in This way of doing things is effective, whereas this way is inefficient
• Black/white, as in This is a black and white situation (what happened to grey?)

There are probably many more examples, but these are good examples of words that pressure people to conform to a certain way of doing things. They are negative words that squash creativity and the ability to think for oneself. They are words that feed the inner voice of shame, embarrassment, low self-esteem, and anxiety. They are not words designed to make you feel good about yourself, your actions, or your ideas. They are not words designed to empower you or to encourage you to take the risks in life that are necessary in order for you to grow as a person. The language of conformity does not allow for a ‘middle ground’ way of thinking.

We all have had experience with people who are lukewarm in their support of our creative endeavors. They are not bad people, they may just be fearful people, who would never think of taking major creative risks themselves. So they fear for others they care about who are taking those risks. There are also people who frown upon anything other than the prescribed way of doing things. They are quick to tell you I told you so when something you’ve attempted doesn’t go the way you’ve hoped. They know best, even though they have never done what you are doing. They are quick to remind you that the ‘tried and true’ approach to life and work is the best approach. And maybe it is for most people, but not for all. They are quick to tell you not to give up your day job, or to give you the statistics about how most artists can’t support themselves on their creative endeavors alone. It is probably all true, but if everyone followed that path, there would be little art, books, plays, poetry, photography, etc.

Even when other people are supportive and encouraging, our inner voices may be our own worst enemies. Where do those voices come from? You’d probably have to go back to early adulthood to find that out. I can say from experience that it wasn’t until I started working full-time that the negative voices began to pop up. Perhaps once one starts to work in the work world, where you must play by others’ rules, you learn to ignore or squash that inner voice that tells you that your ideas are good and worth listening to. Or perhaps your colleagues are not very interested in your ideas or feel threatened by them, so they ignore them. It hurts, and you learn not to open your mouth as much. Or you meet the ‘besserwisser’, the know-it-all, the been there and done that person in the office, who will gladly share his or her experiences with you so that you don’t have to repeat his or her ‘mistakes’. The end result is that you learn to conform, to say what you think those around you want to hear, to speak the party line and be happy with that. But what if your ideas did not lead to ‘mistakes’? And what if the word ‘mistake’ is merely another word to add to the list of the language of conformity? The word mis-take could just mean that your ‘take’ on a situation was off the beaten path, one alternative of many.

The language of non-conformity is a more pleasant language. It includes words and expressions like do, could, possibly, options, choice, free will, middle ground, room for growth, self-esteem. These words don’t weigh so heavily on the soul. They create light, breathing room, expansion, and freedom. They are words with which our inner voices can work. There are those who would exploit this language for their own gain (those who push the idea of ‘the necessity of thinking positive in order to succeed’). The latter sounds like it is supportive of non-conformity, but it’s not. It’s pushing conformity to a way of behaving that includes a prescribed definition of success, usually financial. It is an either/or proposition once again. You either think positively and that leads to financial success, or you are financially unsuccessful because you think negatively. There’s not much room for light and expansion there.

Georgia O’Keefe wrote: “Whether you succeed or not is irrelevant, there is no such thing. Making your unknown known is the important thing--and keeping the unknown always beyond you.” There are many roads that can help us on that path. One of them is letting our inner voice have more of a say in how we live and create our daily lives. In these pandemic times, I’m guessing that more people will start to listen to their inner voices for guidance about how to live and create their daily lives.