My new poetry collection--Remnants of the Spirit World

My second poetry collection, entitled Remnants of the Spirit World, has recently been published. The woman who did the cover design and formatting for my first collection of poetry (Parables and Voices: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1452838763), did the cover design and formatting for Remnants of the Spirit World. Her name is Paloma Ayala and you can read about her here: http://fotoisphoto.com/about_us.php.

This is the cover for Remnants of the Spirit World; I love it and those people I've shown it to, think it's wonderful. Check out the waterfall for a very clever surprise. The book is available for purchase on Amazon: http://tinyurl.com/owg28su

Stuck, unstuck, willingness and unwillingness--what the experts have to say about women and their goals

I listened to Sheryl Sandberg’s 15-minute TED talk from 2010 today and found it to be a good talk, albeit a superficial one, from the standpoint of lack of time and the inability to delve deeper into the subject matter. That is apparently why she wrote her book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, to delve deeper into the problem of women lacking the will to lead. I haven’t yet read it, but plan on doing so. Women are not choosing to be leaders; they are undermining themselves by not ‘sitting at the table with the men and by leaving before they leave’ (thinking about having children long before the situation presents itself and adjusting their career goals accordingly), as Sheryl Sandberg says. Funny how not much has changed since the 1980s when I was starting out in the work world.

Thirty years ago, Susan Schenkel, PhD, a psychologist, published an excellent book called Giving Away Success—Why Women Get Stuck and What to do about it. You can find it on Amazon (Kindle edition) at http://www.amazon.com/Giving-Away-Success-Women-Stuck-ebook/dp/B00DS5QKJE/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=1-1&qid=1390668266. I read it when it first came out, at a time in my life when I was really just starting out in the work world and when I devoured most of these kinds of books. Games Mother Never Taught You by Betty Lehan Harragan was another favorite: http://www.amazon.com/Games-Mother-Never-Taught-You/dp/0446357030/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1390677004&sr=1-1&keywords=games+mother+never+taught+you. The kinds of books that told women to believe in themselves, to take themselves and their dreams and goals seriously, how to tackle the business world, how to get ‘unstuck’ when you were caught in a spiral of inaction and lack of ambition, how to deal with anger, assertiveness and aggressiveness, and how to identify negative thoughts and thought patterns—in order to be able to commit to a career or career path. Schenkel’s book was a cut above the rest; not only did it clearly identify the problems women faced, but it came with solutions for how to deal with them, helpful solutions that I use to this day when I get ‘stuck’. I recently re-read specific sections of her book and it is every bit as relevant today as it was when I first read it. Perhaps more so, because I finally understood that I have been stuck in my own negative thought patterns concerning my present job during the past four years, and that I needed to practice ‘thought stopping’ as suggested by Schenkel. Believe me, it works. But it took a long time for me to get around to ‘wanting’ to stop the negative thoughts. Why, is the operative question. Is it more comfortable to wallow in the negative feelings? Do they allow us to remain inert, to not make a decision, to not want to change your life? I could answer yes and I could answer no—because whatever I answer could not answer the question 100%. I think it is our subconscious thoughts about ourselves that keep us stuck. Every now and then they surface, become conscious thoughts, and give you a glimpse of your feet stuck in mud. Sometimes it feels like quicksand; if you attempt to move, you will only sink deeper into it. Sheryl Sandberg has a lot of good points that women in this generation need to hear, but Susan Schenkel dealt with the problems of women getting in their own way already thirty years ago. Women are still getting in their own way; but we don’t always know why. We give up when we should fight, we fight when we should give in, we don’t bounce back from failure very well, and we have a harder time visualizing ourselves being happy and an easier time visualizing that a lot of what happens to us is our fault. That doesn’t describe all women all the time, but it describes a lot of women I know, including myself, at least some of the time. That is why I want to dissect Sheryl Sandberg’s thoughts, to figure out how much of my own current situation is me and how much of it is externally-influenced. Because it’s important that her book not cause women more stress in the sense of not being able to live up to the author’s convictions. We don’t need a book to tell women the problems with them without giving them the answers, or at least attempting to. There are no perfect answers because the world we live in is not perfect.

When I was younger, I was the type to take the bull by the horns and to go after what I wanted. I did it as a student in grammar school, high school, and college—I wanted good grades and a degree in science. I got them. I did it each summer when I wanted a summer job, and got them as well. I was persistent and stubborn and didn’t give up in the face of defeat. I went after any and all opportunities that were thrown at me during the seven years I worked at a major research center in New York, and they were not few because it was a great place to work. I didn’t get everything I wanted there (to do a PhD and continue to work at the same time). So I understood after seven years there that it was time to move on. And I did. The problem was figuring out what to do with my life. As luck and fate would have it, I moved abroad and started a new life in a new country. I ended up doing a PhD, working in medical research, and doing what was necessary to advance in my profession (post-doc and junior scientist—all grant-funded from external sources based on grant applications that I had written). I came up with my own research ideas that funded my salary. My company didn’t have to pay my salary since I managed to drag in funds to pay myself. I didn’t doubt my abilities too much along the way. I reached the level of professor competency, and that’s where I am today. But the workplace as we know it has changed dramatically just within the past decade—there are budget cuts and high personnel turnover rates; people come and go and there is very little stability or continuity in the practice of research. You must reinvent yourself continually, and you're only as good as your last publication. And as everyone knows, it's a catch-22 situation; you must have grant money to get students in order to publish, but it's your publications that get you grant funding. I know it’s time to leave this organization; I knew that already four years ago. However, I’ve gotten stuck in negative thought patterns: too old to change jobs (reinforced by many well-meaning people I know); too specialized (also reinforced by well-meaning colleagues); won’t be able to compete with the younger crowd; too many responsibilities to others (a typical excuse if ever there was one—they still need me); can’t keep up with the pace of things and won’t have the energy to keep up (how do I know until I try?); and the list goes on. I’m scared and I find that strange. I left my birth country and moved myself across an ocean to another country, started a new life (personal and professional), made new friends, got adjusted to another culture, and---I’m afraid? Of finding a new job, of the unknown, of not being wanted, of making a mistake, of new expectations from others, of the devil I don’t know rather than the devil I do know, of not being good at something new. And I’m confused about whether to stay or to go, whether to give more chances to a situation I know won’t change or to take the leap into the unknown. I will re-read the two books that had such a profound influence on my early work life and give Sandberg's a chance too. But I also want to reconsider the definition of success at this point in my life, and to figure out whether I really want to be in the business world at all, or whether I want to pursue the creative dreams I have for myself. Because it has occurred to me that one of the reasons I might be dragging my feet about changing jobs is that I want to invest most of my waking energy in my creative endeavors. I don’t think that’s the excuse for staying put, but I’m willing to do what’s necessary to figure that out. I believe in my writing, but entering into the creative world is every bit as daunting as it was starting out in the research world. I want to be sure it’s the right thing, but I know deep down that I’ll never get that confirmation. Life doesn’t work that way. You’ve got to take the leap first. 

Celebrating a network of women

There is a lot of emphasis at present placed on the importance of building networks in the work world, and how employees won’t get very far professionally without them. Women especially are admonished for not working harder to build and maintain their professional networks. You never know when you may need them, and you never know when your network may need you. I’ve reflected upon how this relates to my own life. Most of my professional network contacts are women. Many of my contacts/friends entered my life via my different jobs, others through schools and universities, still others from the neighborhood I grew up in. Those I’ve met via my different jobs have become my friends, and we’ve stayed friends even after we’ve left the jobs where we met.

My professional and personal networks overlap to a large degree; I consider my professional contacts to be my friends. And my friends from outside of work, from my childhood neighborhood and schools, are a support network for me in all ways, sometimes even professionally. One of my friends and I collaborated on a consulting web project together a few years ago, at her initiative. I wrote a report for another friend who was thinking about investing in the building of a private lab for the production of a malaria drug, also her initiative. Another friend--a research scientist—asked for my help in publishing two articles on which we’d collaborated during the past few years, and another friend asked me to provide photos for a scientific writing project she was working on. I have helped a teacher friend who had her grammar school class write letters to me to ask about what’s involved in becoming a scientist. I organized a tour of my hospital laboratory for the high school class of another teacher friend, so that the students could get an idea of what it’s like to work in a lab on a daily basis, and to see the techniques and instrumentation we use in our research. A photographer friend asked me to model for her a couple of times, and has taken some nice portrait photos of me that I have used professionally. Another photographer friend designs and formats the text and covers of my published books.When I think back over the years, we have helped each other in different ways. We’ve stepped up to the plate for each other and gotten involved in interesting projects as a result, all of which have enriched our lives, personally and professionally.

I want to acknowledge these women (of all ages) who are a part of my life and who have enriched it beyond measure. I consider each of them friends, including those who are family. They come from all walks of life, and all of them are wonderfully different and talented women. Many of them have combined work and family life with all of the attendant difficulties and joys. Without naming them personally, I can list their various lines of work here:

1. at least ten scientific researchers, one of whom is an author and consultant , another who is an author and owner of a scientific publishing company
2. two photographers and small business owners
3. two social workers, one who heads a non-profit educational organization
4. two teachers (one retired)
5. supermarket head cashier
6. president of a city university
7. global marketing manager for a scientific company
8. fundraising director
9. a minister
10. conflict resolution counselor, author and coach
11. part-time educational and programming consultant
12. university administrator
13. owner of a scientific consulting company
14. three doctors
15. hospital and health professional
16. soil conservationist
17. paralegal
18. computer services manager
19. writer and editor
20. national scientific liaison manager
21. three librarians
22. obstetrics nurse
23. horseback riding instructor
24. three senior research technicians (now retired; all women in their 70s, one of whom works as a consultant)
25. nurse (retired)
26. apartment superintendant (now retired; a family friend who is in her early 80s)
27. tour guide (now retired, 85 years old)
28. secretary (was my oldest friend from my first job, who passed away last year at the age of 86)

Society should be celebrating the lives of real women in all of the different media formats, instead of focusing ad nausea on worn-out celebrities and celebrity wannabes. There are, dare I say it, things to write about other than the size of this or that celebrity’s engagement ring or who had a wardrobe malfunction. Who cares? Is this what makes women interesting? The answer is no. That’s my take on it, and that’s my challenge to society at large. Celebrate the interesting women--the women on my list. They are the women who are advancing the world, one small step at a time, and they’re doing it without a lot of fanfare.

Giving someone your word

Always do what you say you are going to do. It is the glue and fiber that binds successful relationships. - Jeffrey Timmons

This is something that I’ve lived by for a good part of my life. It’s one of the major reasons that I make very few promises to people I care about, because I care immensely about honoring the few promises I do make. I rarely say to those I love—‘I promise you this or that……..’ without delivering on it. I won’t promise anything if I know I cannot deliver from the get-go (barring of course sickness or natural disasters that might prevent me from doing so). The few times in my life when I’ve had to break a promise to someone has left me feeling upset, disloyal and generally bad. It doesn’t take much to make me feel like a schmuck, especially where relationships and hearts are concerned.

Our word is all we have. When we say to someone, ‘I give you my word’, it implies a promise. Promises are not relative statements. I don’t care very much about what the world thinks in that regard. The world has become a supremely relative place to live in. What is relevant today may not be relevant next week, let alone next year. I bring this up today because so much of life, including work life, has become so relative. How many times at work have I been told that ‘the past is no longer relevant’, or ‘that was THE PAST’, as though the past has no bearing whatsoever on the present environment or discussion. But it most certainly does, it’s just that the current constellation of leaders chooses to ignore that fact. Bitter workplace rivalries from twenty years ago help to shape the current ‘stellar’ constellations and political atmospheres in many workplaces, so of course the past is relevant for the present. It’s idiocy to think otherwise.

How far back must we go before a certain period of time can be considered the past? Whose definition of the past is relevant? In my workplace, the past can be two years ago or even one year ago. Imagine living in a marriage/relationship that was governed by the same principles; that what was said to a spouse or loved one two years ago is no longer relevant in the present, it no longer matters. If we gave our loved ones our word in the past that such and such will occur, we are bound by our word to honor that promise. I don’t have a problem with the promise evolving or taking on new aspects, but the promise itself is to be honored. That for me is the essence of a caring and respectful relationship--a successful relationship--be it marriage or friendship.

The problem with the idea that everything is relative and that you can go back on your word is that loyalty, commitment and stability become less important over time. The image that comes to mind is that of a boat in roiling waters, always having to deal with instability and uncertainty. If we cannot trust the people in our personal lives to honor their promises, then we can most certainly not trust the people in our work lives to do so. If you never get to peaceful waters on those fronts, if you can never relax in a relationship, if you can never achieve a level of trust, be it personal or work-related, you are the boat that is continually buffeted by the waves. The waves will upset the boat and down it after a while, or the engine will give out. That is the result of an ‘everything is relative’ way of thinking. 

Women and top leadership positions

Women in top leadership positions—a topic that continues to fascinate the business media. There aren’t enough women in top leadership positions, we’re told. Those women who make it to the top tell us that there is no longer a glass ceiling for women (there once was, but it’s not clear exactly when it disappeared); they’ve made it to the top, so that’s proof of its non-existence. So the question at present is why there aren’t more women at the top, especially in Norway where women get long maternity leaves, where daycare is a given (not free, however), and where men are raised to pitch in and do their share. Even in this country, women are not aiming for the top-level leader positions, and it’s been written about and discussed in the media. Women no longer hit a glass ceiling on their way to becoming top leaders; the problem is rather that women don’t choose top leadership positions, for a variety of reasons. Some feel that they are not qualified to be leaders; others know that they simply won’t be able to juggle a top-level job, a household and a family, without help. And some families cannot afford help in the form of nannies, housekeepers or maids. But such help is essential if you’re going to be a top leader. Because company expectations for a top leader are high when it comes to job commitment and availability (often 24/7). How top leaders plan their days, when they start work and when they leave for home, is a personal challenge for each of them. They don’t get all their work done between 9 am and 5 pm, even though they may go home at 5 pm. They are working in the evenings at home while trying to spend quality time with their families, if they have them. It’s a superb act of juggling; some women manage it, many do not. But many men do not manage it either, especially if they are part of a two-career family, like most are these days.

It’s not just women who don’t choose top-level leadership positions; it’s men too. I know a number of American men who are/were middle-level managers, and that suits/suited them just fine. They were content to stay at the level of middle manager, because they at least got to leave the office by 6 pm to get home in time to see their kids and spend some time with them before they went to bed. In the New York City metropolitan area, a commute into and out of Manhattan from a surrounding suburb can take a commuter an hour or more at the very least, depending on where the commuter lives. Even if a train or bus ride into Manhattan is thirty minutes long, getting around in Manhattan by subway or bus can easily add another thirty minutes to the journey. There are transit delays; traffic corks if you drive or take the bus. Nothing flows smoothly all the time; you’re lucky if it does. It’s a crap shoot when it comes to commuting; I can attest to that personally. My forty-five minute commute by car into Manhattan from New Jersey took me two hours door-to-door by bus. If I had had a family at that time, I would never have gotten home before 7 or 8 pm each day. That’s no way to have a family life, and my job was just a regular job, not a top-level one. I know some men in New York who were ‘reprimanded’ for leaving the office early (5 pm) to get home at a decent hour in order to spend time with their children. I know some women here who experienced the same when they left early (4:30 pm) to pick up their children at the daycare center. It’s tough to find a balance; I see that with younger people now as well. Husbands and wives drop off and pick up children at the daycare centers; they take turns doing so. A two-career marriage with children can’t work any other way. Sacrifices must be made, and two people must make them. The sacrifices can involve spending less time at the office. However couples manage it, the fact remains that choosing to be a top leader means sacrifices, the kind of sacrifices that the majority of men and women won’t be making, by choice, in this lifetime, especially once they have a family to consider. Top-level leadership is not for everyone.  

Happy New Year

There are two songs that have been playing over and over in my mind the past few days, and I thought I'd wish everyone a happy new year by posting them. The first is a song from 2012 called Feel the Love by Rudimental, with one of the most original videos I've seen in a long time. Rudimental are a British band; the British singer John Newman is featured on this song. The video was filmed in Philadelphia PA, and the young people on horseback are members of an urban riding club in Philly. Great song....

The second song is Happy, by Pharrell Williams. I can't help but feel happy, and feel like dancing, when I hear this song, from Despicable Me 2 (a nice little movie, as was Despicable Me). 

Feel the love, and be Happy, in 2014! 

A few of my favorite things at Christmastime

Just a few of my favorite things at Christmastime here in Oslo, in no particular logical order--but starting with gløgg, which is translated as mulled wine if you look it up online. As I've written before in an earlier post, it's really a sugar- and spice- sweetened beverage to which you can add red wine or hard liquor; I add hot water and then you have a drink to warm you up on cold winter days.

Another popular thing to do, and which has become a tradition in our house, is to buy the special editions of the different comics series that are published at Christmastime (called juleheftene): for example, Donald Duck, Zits, Blondie, Garfield (called Pusur here) and others. It's relaxing to sit and read through them during the Christmas vacation--both for children and adults who never got past the kid stage when it comes to comics (like me). 

 

Advent wouldn't be Advent without a calendar from the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, or without poinsettias to brighten up the house. This year I added a white poinsettia to the indoor garden. 

 

Oslo and the surrounding area do not really have the tradition that the USA has of decorating houses and buildings with Christmas lights and decor, but some few people do this and the results are often quite nice, as shown here. The first photo is of a house in our neighborhood where the bush in the backyard is decorated with multi-colored lights. Very pretty. The other photo is of the street decorations in Bogstadveien--also very nice. Very few streets have this type of decoration anymore; whereas when I first moved to Oslo, they could be seen all over. I miss seeing more of them. 

And finally, there are the bird tracks in the snow on the little balcony outside our kitchen window where the birds sit each morning waiting for their ration of sunflower seeds. They make the season special with their constancy (they return each morning) and with their social instincts and curiosity.