Caring and not caring

Sometimes the smartest and healthiest thing we can do for ourselves is to care less, not more. I don't mean that we should be uncaring toward others. I mean that sometimes we care too much about what others think of us, or we want to direct others through our caring, and that's not healthy. Sometimes we don't like how others behave toward us or how they talk to us. We should say--it's your problem, not mine. Rather than getting dragged into their dramas, we should just ignore them and walk away. We should make a conscious effort to not care about what they mean or say about us. Hard to do, yes. But freeing. Because when you really learn to let go of caring about what other people mean about you, you are free. In the same way, we free others to do and say what they want when we let go of our vision of how they should behave and what they should do and say. The key words are 'letting go', not hanging on. What's important is to let others be, and that means not grasping at them in an effort to hold onto them. Doing the latter reveals a kind of desperation. It's not smart behavior. 

There are times in life when others are headed down the wrong path and we want to involve ourselves in order to stop them from making a mess of their lives. But if we haven't been asked for advice or our opinion on a certain matter, why are we getting involved? Why are we caring? I'm not talking about children here who need guidance and direction, rather adults who can reason for themselves and make informed choices. Why are we inserting ourselves into others' lives when we've not been asked to do so? There are many well-meaning adults who want to control others, to fashion them according to their own viewpoints and beliefs. We should rather 'let go and let them' live the lives they want to live, regardless of the outcome. And in that way, we end up having fewer dramas and fewer irritating situations to deal with. Sometimes the outcomes won't be happy, sometimes they may even be painful. But they are adult learning experiences. 

There are situations when another's behavior/comments may hurt our feelings. Sometimes we are faced with having to choose a response to them. The question is what kind of response. Sometimes it's best to just to let them be that way. Sometimes that's the healthiest response of all. Their bad behavior is not our problem. Perhaps their behavior or comments are intended to provoke us, to make us irritated, sad, jealous or angry. Do we take the bait or do we walk away? Do we care or do we walk away and not care? More and more, I've begun to see the value in not caring. That way, I can reserve my energy for the situations where real caring is warranted. And that way, I don't have to be dragged into another's dramas. That by itself is energizing and empowering. 

And Just Like That comes to an end

I watched the final episode of And Just Like That (AJLT) tonight (it aired last night), and can honestly say that I liked it. I've read some negative reviews and some positive reviews. Many people hated the finale, which simply confirms for me that you either liked the series or you didn't. The negative reviews meant that the series generally was too woke and that the finale didn't do the characters justice. I don't agree and I don't care what the negative reviewers thought. The finale provided fitting endings for Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and their new friends Seema and Lisa. It implied that Carrie's new novel will be a success, but that she doesn't end up with a man after having ended things with Aidan. She accepts that. Miranda finds happiness with her girlfriend Joy but her son's life is a chaotic mess (a one-night stand ended up with the young woman becoming pregnant), and Charlotte and Harry are weathering his bout with prostate cancer. In other words, they are all dealing with the problems of middle age and approaching old age. Life is unpredictable and messy. There are no guarantees of a happy ending for anyone. That is real life, as much as we'd like to run away from that reality. Some of the negative reviews wanted a happy (happier) ending for Carrie. But why? Many middle-aged women end up alone, or remain alone after years of dating. Many choose to live alone. They are often smart and successful women. Carrie at least experienced a happy, albeit short, marriage with Big. All of the characters, including Seema and Lisa (the new friends), are dealing with relationship issues. Those who are married admit that it involves a lot of self-sacrifice and compromise. What grounds all these women are the friendships they have with each other. They know that their friends are always there for them. That is what I love and have loved about the new series and the Sex And The City series. That, and the love affair they have with Manhattan. Having gone to school and worked in Manhattan, I share their feelings about the city. But, these women are wealthy and I was not. You need to be wealthy in order to have the lives these women have. If you're not, you can't remain in Manhattan for very long. But that feeling--that the world was my oyster when I was young and in Manhattan--is a wonderful memory. And after I left it, my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. 

AJLT ended abruptly. It made me wonder why. Perhaps there's more to the story than meets the eye. Perhaps we'll learn more down the line. Or perhaps there really was nothing more to say, no more new stories to tell. Michael Patrick King has said that he felt it was a good time to stop, and Sarah Jessica Parker seconded that statement. It might have been just more of the same--trying to find a good man, dealing with spouses, dealing with children, dealing with work. Dating is difficult at any age; even more so when one is older. Marriages have their ups and downs, and can become routinized at times. Children grow up and leave the nest--choosing their lives for themselves. Work problems can occur at any age. When we're older, we've heard the same stories over and over from spouses and friends. We try to reinvent ourselves. But it gets harder as we age. And we eventually end up asking ourselves--why? Why do we need to reinvent ourselves when we're older? At some point, it's got to be about patting ourselves on the back for getting as far as we've gotten, for achieving the small successes that life has given us. It's about accepting where we are now--the good and the bad. Life is never, and will never be, perfect or as we imagined it. As we age, we should be living in the present and trying not to focus on the past. The future is uncertain at best, so the present is all we have. That's where the series ended. In the middle of real life. There isn't, and there won't be, a fairytale ending, however much we may have wanted one. 

If you'd like to read my post from 2022 about AJLT, here is the link: A New Yorker in Oslo: And just like that, Big died

Do Something by Macy Gray

Heard this song recently while I was on vacation, and it brought me right back to the 1990s. One of her best songs in my opinion. Enjoy.....

A good reminder for those who would rather not be reminded

 

My author page on Amazon

As many of you know, I've been writing for many years. If you'd like to check out my Author page on Amazon, here is the link: 

Amazon.com: Paula M. De Angelis: books, biography, latest update

Jurassic World: Rebirth movie

I'll start by sharing the reaction of a young boy, probably around eleven years of age, who was together with his father. After the film was over, they were in the lobby on their way to the exit when they ran into people they knew--yet another father with his two boys. I was walking behind them. They exchanged greetings and then one of the fathers asked the other how the film was. Before he had a chance to answer, his son exclaimed that it was an exciting and scary film; his eyes widened and his face was full of wonder and excitement. You just knew that this must have been his first Jurassic Park/World film. His father smiled, but you could tell that he felt the same way, just that he had a more tempered reaction. At that moment, I realized that I felt the same--it was an exciting and scary film--even if we've seen most of it before in other Jurassic Park/World films. It didn't matter. This film captured the spirit of the early films, when the good and ethical people survived (mostly) and the bad and unethical people got crunched by the carnivorous dinosaurs. The demarcation between good and bad was easy to discern and no tears were lost on the demise of the bad people. 

I love going to the movies and I always will. I love the summer blockbuster films (just not the super hero genre) and I love sitting together with other people who are there for the same reason--to be entertained. It's fun. Jurassic World: Rebirth is not a great film, but I never go to these kinds of films expecting great art. But it's a very good, tightly-edited film. I don't care if we've seen most of it before. Big (and in this film, mutant) carnivorous dinosaurs ARE scary and you wouldn't want to be eaten by one of them. That is the mark of good filmmaking, when you can transport the audience to that world and keep them on the edge of their seats. The teenage girls next to me in my row were commenting on the (often stupid) behavior of some of the characters. Much like we do at home when we're watching a movie. They were involved in the story, as I was. You root for the characters to get off the remote island where the dinosaurs live, alive, which they do of course, but minus some members of the original group. 

Scarlett Johansson (former military covert operative), Mahershala Ali (boat owner and longtime friend of Johansson's character), and Jonathan Bailey (paleontologist) are all very good in their roles, but it was cool to see a pragmatic and unafraid female leader (Johansson) for a change. She kept a cool head in most of the borderline catastrophic situations. Refreshing.....

A fun summer film for sure, if you're looking for escapist entertainment: Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025) - IMDb  

Garden update

I've been working in my garden since mid-May. I tried doing garden work a couple of weeks after I came home from the hospital in mid-April, but I became dizzy and had to stop. Now, almost three months after my operation, I'm back to working in the garden for hours at a time. But I take precautions--sun umbrella up, wearing a hat to protect against too much sun, drinking a lot of water and resting when I get tired. We've had intervals of sun and rain, which has been very good for the garden, especially the berry bushes. There will be good harvests for black currants, gooseberries, raspberries, and strawberries. I've planted a cranberry bush that is thriving, and my Norwegian blueberry bushes are also happy. The American blueberry bushes, less so, so I ended up transplanting them to a sunnier location. 

Yellow loosestrife has overtaken a large area of one of my perennial spaces. I cut it back but it just keeps on coming. It's beautiful, but I need to keep it in check or else it will take over the entire space. That seems to be my job this year--keeping growth in check. Everything is doing well and I can't complain. But maintenance of the garden keeps me busy. I'm very glad that I decided to aim for a (mostly) perennial garden, because I don't have to worry about buying a lot of annuals each year. The bushes that have grown the most since I planted them three years ago are the forsythia bushes. I cannot believe how large they've become. Ditto for the lilac bush. And of course the ninebark bush, which resembles a tree at present. I could clip it right down to the base, and it would grow back happily. I don't do that though; I clip a number of branches to keep it in a certain shape. And the Japanese maple tree is thriving as well, which makes me happy; it is so lovely. 

The wild cherry tree that decided to take root from seed in my garden (I didn't plant it) has grown quite tall. It produces sour cherries, but not as many as the cherry tree I bought and planted. The birds (blackbirds, brown thrushes, sparrows) are eagerly waiting for the red currants to be ripe; each year it's a contest between humans and birds to see who gets the most red currants. Last year, we managed to pluck half of the berries, but the birds got the other half. They don't seem to go after the other berries as much. I don't know why. 

My garden is thriving, if a bit overgrown in places. I like it that way. It's as though I enter my own private secret garden when I arrive there. Except for the formal garden entrance (an arch covered with white clematis), the other three sides of the garden are 'walled-in' by growth along the street fence, tall raspberry bushes, and black currant bushes plus a 'krossved' (Viburnum opulus) bush.

Here are some garden photos from May and June.......enjoy!

Beautiful wisteria 

Japanese maple

Irises

Rhododendron

Ninebark bush

Blooming peony plant

Loosestrife 

Summer solstice blessing

I don't know who the author of this little poem is, but it's a nice little poem for the summer solstice. Enjoy......

Reflections on The Capture--a futuristic horror story?

We recently discovered this compelling thriller series on Viaplay (The Capture (TV Series 2019–2025) - IMDb, and I can only say that watching it will induce a fair amount of paranoia and surprise. Surprise that video surveillance using CCTV (closed circuit TV) has come as far as it has in Britain. London to be exact. I knew that there were video cameras everywhere, but I didn't realize the extent of the surveillance. To sum up the series, it deals with the use of video surveillance to track the movements of potential terrorists and anarchists, but in doing so it unsurprisingly tracks the movements of ordinary folk. Facial recognition technology using AI also enters the picture. What transpires is tantamount to a horror film about the future to come (or is it already here?), in that the video experts have developed a technique called 'correction' that allows them to manipulate video footage in real-time. So that what you think you're watching in real-time is not real; it has been altered (in most cases via sophisticated hacking) to suit the purposes of those who want 'corrected' footage. In the first season, the counter-terrorism group, in order to prosecute a suspected terrorist, had altered video footage in order to 'include' said terrorist. This was done in order to be able to introduce the footage into a court of law, since recorded conversations and the like are apparently inadmissible. The person in question was actually a terrorist, so the argument was that even though recorded conversations could not be admitted into a court of law, altering a video to include the terrorist was ok because he was actually a terrorist. The main story of the first season is about a young soldier whose lawyer ends up dead, and he is accused of murdering her. Except that he hasn't done so, but there is video footage showing that he has attacked her and that she never got on her bus to go home. She was kidnapped by persons unknown. We know that the soldier isn't the culprit; that's established early on. The problem is proving it, and that proves to be difficult. 

It's not difficult to imagine how this technology can be misused, especially when AI enters the picture. The point was made early on in the series that China and Russia were already using 'correction'. How real is it? We all know about/have heard about deepfake videos and the like. I'm going to include Wikipedia's description of deepfake in order to reveal just how far deepfake has come: 

Deepfakes (a portmanteau of 'deep learning' and 'fake' are images, videos, or audio that have been edited or generated using artificial intelligence, AI-based tools or AV editing software. They may depict real or fictional people and are considered a form of synthetic media, that is media that is usually created by artificial intelligence systems by combining various media elements into a new media artifact......Deepfakes have garnered widespread attention for their potential use in creating child sexual abuse material, celebrity pornographic videos, revenge porn, fake news, hoaxes, bullying, and financial fraud.

In the series, the point is made that democratic societies began to use correction technology to counter the misuse by non-democratic societies, but of course we know that it's only a matter of time before the misuse infiltrates the democratic societies as well. Because in real life there are always villains and people on the take, grifters willing to sell out their country for a good sum. In addition, MI5 and the CIA are always involved in these series (often in very questionable ways), and the picture is never pretty in terms of what they do to people who oppose them. It's actually quite scary to think about a world in which you perhaps possess the 'true' video footage of an event, only to be told that the 'corrected' video footage is the real footage. It's your word against theirs (the police and counter-terrorism folks). And the little man or woman does not win against the tech-savvy folks. The little folks are suppressed and threatened with career destruction/slandering/destruction of reputation. In the worst case, their lives are threatened. There is no shortage of assassinations in The Capture.  

So how much of this is true, and how far has the technique of correction come? Britain is apparently the most video-monitored country in the world. CCTV began in the 1960s as a measure to monitor crowd activity, traffic, and eventually criminal activity, and to the latter end it's been fairly effective. What makes me nervous is realizing that the use of CCTV requires a huge number of people who sit and monitor footage 24/7. Are all these people reliable, honest, and good? It's not possible since we are only human. So the potential for misuse, for data manipulation, for altering the 'truth' is real ‘The public have a right to be concerned’: the real story behind BBC One’s surveillance and technology thriller, The Capture – The i Paper

We are moving towards a strange new world where AI will dominate much of our lives. A brave new world? Some might say that it's going to be survival of the fittest. I used to say that if you have nothing to hide, being monitored won't bother you. But now I'm not so sure. The true horror lies in what you can do to politicians, famous people, celebrities, etc. by misusing data technology. The true horror is what will happen to democratic societies when no one is sure of what is 'true' anymore. We have reached that point in politics, and it makes me wonder about the presidential races during the past decade or so. What is the truth, really? Who can tell us? I would argue that we know deep down what the truth is, but as is often said, reality is stranger than fiction. I hope not for the future of society.  

Grateful for the gift of life

I have been going to cardio training classes for the past two months, and am very pleased with the results thus far. I have better endurance and balance, both of which I needed. I'm still tired from time to time, but since my operation, I'm less tired for each day that passes. We train outdoors on a grass lawn in the vicinity of the local hospital that is responsible for the training that is conducted by licensed physiotherapists. When the weather is nice, as it has been for the past month, it is nice to look up at the blue sky and feel the wind that blows through the tall trees around us. The sun and the wind make me feel grateful for being alive so that I can experience them. It's hard to explain if you haven't been through a major heart operation, but being grateful for being alive is one of the feelings that dominates each day. Being alive is a gift. Mitral valve surgery (in my case--repair) was not a given forty or fifty years ago. It's 'routine' surgery now, but in order to have become so, it has evolved over the years from attempts at repair to successful repair mostly due to the development of the heart-lung machine in 1953. I am grateful for all the cardiologists and surgeons who have dedicated their lives and careers to bettering the lives of others and to keeping heart patients alive. They are amazing individuals who deserve all the praise they get. Men and women in my parents' generation were not so lucky, since the technique was still evolving.   

The best thing about the classes has been being together with others who have gone through the same or similar heart operations. Our class consists of about twenty or so persons, split more or less evenly between the sexes. Most are older people, but some are middle-aged and young. When I started, the physiotherapists told me I could proceed at my own pace and do the exercises I felt that I could manage. When I started, I had poor balance. Not anymore. So it's eye-opening what training can do to improve one's physical form. The others also do what they can. I like the smiling faces I meet the days I'm there, and talking to some of the people in the class. I hope I meet some of them again when the class ends, as it will before summer vacation. I've been offered a spot in a more intensive cardio training course after the summer, and I've accepted it. I hope I meet some of my fellow 'travelers' there. I am grateful for them as well, for showing me that fear and nervousness can be overcome. It's been valuable to experience that together with others who are in the same boat with me. I'm grateful too for the physiotherapists who motivate us to continue, who tell us that we're doing well, and who guide us through the exercises. They're worth their weight in gold. 

Wise words from the new pope

 I do like the new pope. He says it like it is. 

Closer To Home (I'm Your Captain) by Grand Funk Railroad

I heard this song yesterday, and it brought me right back to that time in my life when we were teenagers and discovering music. And there was so much good music to discover. So many good bands, not like today with mostly one-hit wonders who score it big and then go and do something else after having earned tens of millions of dollars. It seems to me that music was less about business then compared to today. And I'm glad for that. Enjoy this song from 1970. I'm including the lyrics as well. 

[Verse 1]

Everybody, listen to me

And return me my ship

I'm your captain, I'm your captain (Alright)

Though I'm feeling mighty sick

[Verse 2]

I've been lost now, days uncounted

And it's months since I've seen home

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Or am I all alone?

[Verse 3]

If you return me to my home port

I will kiss you, Mother Earth

Take me back now, take me back now

To the port of my birth

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 4]

Am I in my cabin dreaming

Or are you really scheming

To take my ship away from me?

You'd better think about it

I just can't live without it

So, please don't take my ship from me, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Instrumental Break]

[Verse 5]

I can feel the hand of a stranger

And it's tightening around my throat

Heaven help me, heaven help me

Take this stranger from my boat

I'm your captain, I'm your captain

Though I'm feeling mighty sick

Everybody, listen to me

And return me my ship

[Pre-Chorus]

I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm your captain, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home, oh

[Instrumental Break]

[Chorus]

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

I'm getting closer to my home

Having gratitude

 

Saying goodbye to Don

A bittersweet post today, as it will be about the passing of the last of my bosses, Don, from my Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center days. I think about those years from time to time and reflect upon how lucky I was to have worked there and to have had the bosses that I had. They are all deceased now. It was a different world then, and while I wouldn't return to it, I know too that the work world now is very different than when I was starting my career in the early 1980s. 

My first encounter (and memory) of Don was when I interviewed for a flow cytometry position at Memorial Sloan-Kettering in the laboratory for investigative cytology. Don was a tall man and one who loved to eat, but he was slim, not at all overweight. While he was interviewing me, he was eating a hamburger and fries. That might have put some people off, but not me. I found it charming. He explained that this was his afternoon snack before dinner. He also told me that he got to work early each day and went to the cantina for a good breakfast. It wasn't clear to me whether he had eaten breakfast at home first, but it didn't matter. His folksy manner put me right at ease, and I knew that we would work well together. That was in 1982. In 1983, he and his family moved back to Brookings South Dakota where the Evenson family farm was located. He became Professor of Biochemistry at South Dakota State University and worked there for many years. In 1991, he and his wife Carol came to Oslo on sabbatical for a year. Don was friendly with Ole Petter, my boss in Oslo at that time, and we ended up sharing an office for a year and working together on his sperm chromatin structure assay projects. That year went by too fast, but it is filled with good memories of work and social activities. We and our colleagues often went out to eat in the evenings, or out dancing. Sometimes there were get-togethers at different homes. Carol ended up leaving for home in September of that year, but Don stayed until the end of the year. We celebrated Thanksgiving with another American scientist living in Oslo; there must have been at least twenty of us. Don promised he would bring the turkey and cranberries to make cranberry sauce. And he did, after visiting the US and smuggling a turkey in his luggage on his return trip to Oslo. How he managed that, no one knows, as it was a big turkey. Just one of many fun memories I have of him. He was never ruffled about such things; he just assumed they would work out, and they did. 

He was a true scientist, interested in new technologies and techniques and how to apply them to his work with sperm chromatin structure. He was interested in helping infertile couples with his sperm chromatin structure assay (SCSA) technique, and he later founded a company to do this assay on human sperm from men who wanted to ensure that they could father children. He kept on doing research at the same time as he ran his company, and he traveled to many different conferences to present his work. I am proud to have been a co-author on several of his publications. 

He and Carol loved to travel and had probably seen most of the world. One trip stands out in my mind; they attended a voodoo ceremony in Haiti, somewhere out in the forest. I remember asking him if he had been nervous about doing that. He said no. That was his attitude to most things, as I pointed out previously. If he had any fears, he hid them well. He trusted that life would treat him well, and for the most part it did. And he made the most of the life that was given him. He was a kind man, not given to anger, negativity, or cynicism. I believe that his faith in God kept him grateful and happy. He and Carol were married for sixty-two years at his passing at 84 in March of this year. I will remember him, Frank, Zbigniew and Myron for always. Smart men and nice men who treated women well. May they all rest in peace. 

This is me (wanting more plants)