Words to live by

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The need for kindness

I am losing faith in humanity's ability to be kind. I don't see much kindness anywhere, anymore. That may be the fault of the news media; it may be my fault for not searching out the good positive human interest stories. Part of me feels like giving up on the world and isolating myself from most of what is intrusive, unkind, aggressive and unnecessary. It may be counterproductive of me to seek 'away' from the world. In truth, perhaps my energy would be better spent trying to add more kindness to the world, because kindness is necessary in order for us to survive as a people. Without it, we will ensure our destruction. But even trying to add more kindness feels like a futile effort at times. I try to remain kind, but I can't shake the feeling of futileness that hangs over me like a heavy fog. 

I don't know that social media necessarily exacerbates the situation as I see it, but it doesn't help matters. Most of those I know on social media are decent people trying to live decent lives. And yet, some of them fall into the trap of commenting on one thing or another, and suddenly they are dragged into the trolling that goes on, that lives a life of its own long after the actual post they commented on has seen the light of day. Nowadays your opinion, if you have a reasoned one, gets lost in the severity of the response to it. You are told you should have an opinion, but if you do and it isn't the same opinion as the ruling majority in society (that have set themselves up as judge and jury), you are excommunicated. I have begun to say that the Catholic Church at least offers forgiveness for one's transgressions; that's more than the secular media and its supporters offer. You are 'labeled' and the label sticks. No forgiveness for you. This type of response merely forces those who are 'labeled' into a corner where they become even more stubborn and irascible. When I look at it objectively, it's easy to understand that when there is no kindness or attempt at understanding anywhere you turn, you choose your own survival (mental and physical) and the rest be damned. 

Not an uplifting post for a Monday morning, I know. But it is inspired by recent happenings around me. I have discovered that garden enthusiasts are not necessarily nice people; they can be unkind when it serves their purposes. Sometimes their behavior reminds me of what I saw in my former workplace, where some of the leaders harassed those they perceived as weaker than them. An unkind workplace; but now I see that the world outside its walls is also unkind. This particular situation does not affect me personally, but I don't like to see how the other party is being treated. Yet another example is from my former workplace, where a former colleague, who had a 'round' birthday together with another colleague, was not feted in the same way as her colleague; she was deliberately ignored in favor of the other colleague. You might think this does not go on in an 'adult' workplace; if you think so, I have a bridge to sell you. Another example is from my own life; I recently ran an ad on Facebook to promote my new garden book, and as fate would have it, several people responded with an 'angry' emoji. It wasn't quite clear to me why they were angry, and I commented on it in a general way, wondering if they were angry that I wrote a book or angry that I promoted it. I wished them all peace, whereby one of them actually responded in an angry way to my wishing them peace. His response made me understand that the world is truly a crazy place, full of angry people looking for ways to take it out on others. For more examples, you only need to take a look at the world news, with mass shootings in the USA and Europe, the war in Ukraine (and accompanying atrocities), the societal anger in the USA over so many things, and politicians who deliberately refuse to compromise and to take the higher road. Hatred, anger, and stubbornness prevail; they have won. I am not sure where it all will lead, but it's not anywhere good. 

Kindness as a response to rude people

One of the wiser descriptions of kindness that I've run across online (from the Facebook page Empaths, Old Souls & Introverts).

"Being rude is easy. It does not take any effort and is a sign of weakness and insecurity. Kindness shows great self-discipline and strong self-esteem........"

Worth remembering when faced with the onslaught of rudeness that passes for 'honesty and truth' in society and politics these days. Kindness and civility are not signs of weakness, and those who think they are are those with the real problem. We cannot continue to foment an 'in your face' attitude as a response to every situation we don't like or agree with; anger only breeds more anger. While it is good to let out anger every once in a while, it is very unhealthy to make a daily habit of it. Our current political situation is a good example of the latter.

So let us practice kindness. "It only takes one candle to light the darkness".

Speaking kindly

In the age of Trump, who has little to no idea of what it means to speak kindly, it would behoove us to remember the following, especially when trying to 'teach our children well' (my apologies to Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Teach Your Children):

What I see in the faces of others

I’ve been thinking about kindness and compassion, and how it is possible to see them in the faces of other people. It strikes me when I look at photos or live footage of powerful political figures, celebrities and the like, that there is a hardness in some of the faces that is indicative of their true characters. There is also something about the eyes that gives their true natures away. Who was it said—‘the eyes are the window to the soul’. If they are, then I’ve seen some pretty hard and merciless souls in my life. I’ve also had the misfortune of having crossed paths with a few psychopaths, and their eyes are often black and soulless—empty and actually rather frightening. So their empty eyes are the windows to their lack of souls. Luckily, the bulk of my experience with other people has shown me that kindness and compassion are still in abundance. Why is it such that we often let one bad apple spoil the bunch? We must try to guard against that happening, because if we let that happen, the wrong people win. One bad apple out of ten means that ninety percent are still good. Those are good numbers.

There is likely no hard scientific evidence to back up my observations about what I see in the faces of others. Nonetheless, I cannot help but look at the faces of Trump and Putin and observe hardness there. They look rigid, angry, formidable, and mean. They don’t look happy nor do they look relaxed. They look like plagued souls, and perhaps that is the reason for their bullying natures toward others. The current Pope is a contrast to them both. His face looks relaxed, not rigid, and he has kind eyes. My reaction to a photo of the current pope is visceral; I instinctively know that I could trust him to be kind. I could not say that about Trump or Putin or men like them.

I gravitate toward kind and compassionate people and tend to remove myself from the presence of hard, rigid and mean people if I can, including psychopaths. Not all people are so lucky. I can remove myself by choice, whereas others are perhaps trapped by virtue of the fact that they live in a dictator-led country, or in an abusive relationship, or that they work at a job they need and cannot leave.

I do not like hard, rigid, formidable and mean people, whether they are men or women. I do not like power- and control-hungry people, nor do I like boorish, loud, or narcissistic individuals. I am not interested in getting to know others if their behavior involves humiliating others, making them feel worthless, or actively trying to destroy them. I instinctively shy away from these types of people because I know they are no good for me. That is how my mother would have phrased it. She would not have been overly-judgmental; she would merely have said ‘be careful’ or ‘don’t cast your pearls before swine’. In other words, don’t waste your time on them. It’s a good way to live if one can manage it.

Quotes about meanness

I was thinking about meanness today, about how the world seems to have gotten much harder and meaner. How workplaces have also. Or have they always been so and it's just me whose eyes have been opened for good? It's best to focus on the positive in life, and I try to for the most part. But I cannot ignore the suffering and pain I see around me and much of it is the result of unkindness on the part of mean-spirited people who do not wish others well. The reasons for their meanness are no doubt many. I'm sure there are many explanations and excuses for their not aspiring to be kind people. So as I was reflecting on this topic today, I found these quotes about meanness. The first one especially is just as true today as when it was written in 1945 (from the book Cannery Row by John Steinbeck), perhaps more so now. Steinbeck is spot on with his description of the traits of success that we claim to detest, but oh how 'successful' individuals in society who possess these traits are held in awe. We tend to forget (or perhaps we just want to forget) that ‘making it’ in terms of success may involve behaviors that are not very nice at all. The last quote is one of my all-time favorites. 

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It has always seemed strange to me... the things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first they love the produce of the second.

--John Steinbeck

Guard well within yourself that treasure, kindness. Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness.

--George Sand

I consider nothing low but ignorance, vice, and meanness, characteristics generally found where the animal propensities predominate over the higher sentiments.

--William John Wills

Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own.

--Barbara Kingsolver

All the meanness, all the revenge, all the selfishness, all the cruelty, all the hatred, all the infamy of which the heart of man is capable, grew, blossomed and bore fruit in this one word, Hell.

--Robert Green Ingersoll

False greatness is unsociable and remote: conscious of its own frailty, it hides, or at least averts its face, and reveals itself only enough to create an illusion and not be recognized as the meanness that it really is. True greatness is free, kind, familiar and popular; it lets itself be touched and handled, it loses nothing by being seen at close quarters; the better one knows it, the more one admires it.

--Jean de la Bruyere

In a lifetime of observing and participating in political debate, I have seen a lot of meanness.

--Dennis Prager

Like the Earth, the Web is a less appealing place than it used to be. If I want attitude and arguing and meanness and profanity and wrong information screamed at me as gospel, I'll get in a time machine and spend Christmas with my family in 1977.

--J. R. Moehringer

Be nice to those you meet on the way up. They’re the same folks you’ll meet on the way down.

--Walter Winchell

A teensy weensy second in a universe of seconds

I was witness to an older woman’s attempt at conversation in the hospital cafeteria the other day. She was trying to talk to the younger man at the checkout counter while she was paying for her meal, whereas he was just in a hurry to get done with her. There were no long lines of people waiting behind her to pay, so he could have taken the very short amount of time she seemed to need, to listen and perhaps to say a few kind words. Acknowledge her, in other words. She seemed like a nice older woman who perhaps had family members that were sick, or perhaps she herself was sick. It was hard to tell. What was clear to me was that she needed some warmth from others. It would have been a kind gesture to have tried to give some warmth. My heart goes out to people like that. She ended up apologizing for taking up his time, which then softened his attitude toward her a bit. Of course, there are always multiple ways to look at a situation. So I will try to reinterpret the above situation in several other ways:

• Perhaps the young man at the checkout counter was having a bad day and did not have the extra energy to extend himself.
• Perhaps he had been told by his superiors not to waste too much time talking to customers as it would hold up the line of people waiting to pay. This was a problem in one other hospital cafeteria and was solved by removing the person who talked too much to the customers.
• Perhaps the older woman had been a bit pushy with him before I got in line behind her. But I have to admit by looking at her, that she didn’t seem the type. She rather seemed worried, weary and a bit defeated, like life had worn her down.

Whatever the explanation, I wonder if it isn’t simpler to just opt for extending oneself for one teensy weensy second out of a universe of seconds. To expand one’s heart ‘three sizes’, as what happened to the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and to err on the side of compassion and friendliness. To light one candle in the darkness of someone else’s life. God knows we may need the same one day—and how nice it would be if someone’s kindness was the light we needed to get through yet another tough day.

Let’s talk about me (me, me, me)

It strikes me more and more how society is becoming increasingly self-preoccupied. There have been countless articles written about this, so I won’t launch another tome on the subject. But I’ve begun to experiment a bit in conversation (if you can call it that these days) with colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers. I’ve reflected on it, and come to the conclusion that I ask questions of others—how was your day, how was your summer vacation, where are you from, do you like it here, what was this or that like, what are your interests, what books do you like—out of genuine interest and curiosity, not merely politeness, but that the interest is seldom reciprocal. This is not true of my conversations with good friends and family, so I know that it should not irritate me as much as it does. But it does irritate me, because it is symptomatic of much of what is wrong with our society. Showing interest in others' lives and in what others have to say is not nosy or intrusive; in fact it’s quite the opposite, it’s a kind and civilized gesture that makes people feel included. Asking others how they are or about their lives is a friendly gesture, and I am appreciative of that gesture when people ask me how I am or how my summer was, and really listen to my response. What I have experienced, just in the space of the few weeks I have been back at work, is the following:

• The ignorers--those colleagues who never or barely (grudgingly) acknowledge their co-workers in the hallway—no smile, no greeting, complete disinterest. But if you stop them and ask how they are, they will hold an extensive speech on how things are going with them. This makes me wonder if academia is a uniquely self-preoccupied profession. Well, I guess I know the answer—it is.
• The interrupters--people who ask you how you are or how your summer was, only to give you exactly thirty seconds to reply before they launch into their own stories about their own lives. Or the ones who interrupt nearly every sentence you utter with some comment that diverts the conversation back to them. I would find it amusing if I didn’t find it so irritating. They’re like children clamoring for attention from their parents. Me, me, me…….
• The self-promoters—those who use any and all conversational attempts as an excuse to tell you how wonderful and great they are. Similar to the interrupters except that you rarely even get the chance to say a word. It’s as though they’re on promotional tours to tell you about a new book, and of course that ‘book’ is their life. My world and welcome to it……
• The besserwissers--people who don’t really listen to what you are telling them, and who are just waiting for an opening to jump in and insert their own comments about your situation. They’re champing at the bit. These are the aggressive people who always know better than you. In fact, they know it all, or they know best. Who can always tell you how you should have done something or how they did it and how you too can achieve or experience the same as they did, if only you do so-and-so.

The experience of actually being listened to, or of listening to others, is transforming. If you’ve ever wondered how to make someone’s day, try putting yourself aside and really listening to what another person has to say. Acknowledging others is important in conversation, and I don’t see much of this anymore. It can be as simple as a nod of the head, eye contact, or a smile from the person who asked you a question and is now listening to your answer.

Quotes about kindness

A little thought and a little kindness are often worth more than a great deal of money.

--John Ruskin

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

--Aesop

Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.

--Franklin D. Roosevelt

Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.

--Albert Schweitzer

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.

--Dalai Lama

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.

--Lao Tzu

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.

--William Arthur Ward

There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.

--Nathaniel Branden

That best portion of a man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.

--William Wordsworth

Treat everyone with respect and kindness. Period. No exceptions.

--Kiana Tom

The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths.

--Graham Greene

Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.

--Theodore Isaac Rubin

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.

--Samuel Johnson

Too busy to be kind and courteous

It has been commented on before, but I will comment on it yet again. We live in an information technology world, where because it is possible to communicate via so many different devices and platforms, there should be no problems informing others as to what one is thinking or about what is going on. Yet, time and again, communication fails, or if it does not directly fail, it is poor at best. I am not the only one to notice this; I have colleagues and friends who say the same thing. Emails pile up in my work inbox, and I start off my workday trying to make sense of them. Most are replies to previous emails, not necessarily sent by me, but sent by others to multiple recipients including me. Most of them are non-informative unless you read the entire email threads, which no one has the time to do. You might as well just tell me to ‘see below’ instead of sending me an email that says ‘yepp’ or ‘ok’ or some such thing. The level of rudeness in work emails has reached an all-time high; it is very rare that you get addressed by name. I do address others by name; on the rare occasion when I don’t, it’s to emphasize a point—that the person I am responding to has been rude and doesn’t deserve a courteous response. Most of the emails just state in one or two sentences what the email writer wants, or what he or she wants to inform you about. I have a problem with this lack of professional courtesy. Text messages can be even worse. They are often the preferred form of communication for many busy souls these days. And that’s ok, except when they resemble emails in the form of responses like ‘yepp’ and ‘ok’, with no reference to what has transpired previously. Again, I am not a mind reader and have no plans on becoming one. So if you want me to understand what you’re thinking about, if you really want to communicate with me, take the time to talk to me. Come by my office and stop in for a chat. I promise to listen.

I know that this problem has mostly to do with that everyone is so busy at work, that no one has the time anymore to really communicate, to have a conversation, to listen to others, or to try to understand others. Some of the ‘multiple recipient’ emails expect you to be a mind-reader; you’re expected to just understand what has been going on with very little explanation. I ignore these emails for the most part; if you cannot take the time to explain what’s going on, it cannot be that important for me to comment on it. So I don’t. In this way, I reduce the level of responsibility I feel for certain work situations. And that suits me just fine. The same goes for cryptic text messages. If you cannot take the time to write a coherent text message, I will ignore it.

I keep coming back to kindness and courtesy. We are losing these virtues in our busy world. They have been sacrificed on the altars of efficiency, productivity, and saving time. I’m tired of it. If you cannot be kind, if you cannot be courteous and professional, if you cannot behave in a civilized manner, I don’t want to deal with you, via any mode of communication. It’s that simple. And I don’t feel bad about saying that. 

Living on crumbs

It occurred to me this past week that perhaps abusive workplaces damage employees in more ways than we care to admit. After several recent conversations with colleagues and friends, I can only conclude that this seems to be the case. The type of abusive workplace I am talking about has little to do with physical abuse, although I know that occurs in some workplaces. The most common type of abuse is psychological and emotional, and I firmly believe that years of this type of abuse will damage the recipients, much as a psychologically abusive personal relationship does. And the damage may not be reversible. That is the frightening part. We don’t like to talk about this, but just because we don’t talk about it doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t exist. The recipients of the abuse may carry their feelings of fear, shame, guilt and loss of self-esteem home with them, and take it out on the people with whom they live. Or if they live alone, they may take it out on themselves by living in unhealthy ways. Whatever the situation, the abuse leaves deep scars, and the employees who have experienced this type of abuse may not be able to leave their work situations, in the same way as an abused spouse may be unable to leave his or her situation. There may be no energy left to do so, or to fight back, or to deal with the situation.

What type of abuse am I talking about? Bullying, derision, grandstanding always at the expense of others, total disregard for the feelings of others, lack of emotional intelligence, verbal aggression, cursing, domination of meetings or conversations by the same people who flatten anyone who tries to get a word in, freezing out specific employees, being negative to what specific employees suggest no matter what the situation, deriding ideas during brainstorming meetings, making employees feel like crap, embarrassing or harassing them publicly (telling employees, ‘if you don’t like it, leave’ or telling employees that they’re lazy or mediocre in a public meeting). The list is endless. Have I seen such behavior in workplaces? Yes I have. What does an abusive workplace do to its employees? What are the scars it leaves on them? I would suggest that it creates a pattern of hope and disappointment that becomes cyclical. In the hope cycle, employees experience a feeling of being uplifted, perhaps because a boss has acknowledged their work for once. I call the experience being ‘grateful for crumbs’. In this case, the crumbs can be, for example, a very infrequent acknowledgment of employees’ work (or existence) in an environment that otherwise criticizes or ignores its employees. In the disappointment cycle, employees feel that their situation is hopeless and that there is little possibility of change. And then comes the hope cycle that brings with it that feeling that change is possible. This is very similar to an abusive relationship—between spouses, or between children and parents, between siblings, and so on.

You can imagine how children would develop in a home environment where parents were critical of and negative about most things they did, and only occasionally ‘threw a dog a bone’. That’s living on crumbs. Or parents who ignore their children, except to ‘show them off’ to others when it’s time to be politically correct. Children are highly sensitive to parental behavior, and they will work overtime to try to ‘read’ their parents. The appreciation of ‘crumbs’ becomes learned behavior after a while, but the recipients of abusive behavior are so focused on trying to ‘please’, that growth in other areas becomes stifled or stunted. They never completely learn self confidence, they become afraid of authority, or they became afraid to voice their opinions or ideas for fear of being derided, yelled at, or embarrassed publicly. The scars persist well into adulthood. The mistake we make as a society is to think that adults can tackle everything that is thrown at them, just because they are adults. The assumption is automatically that they have to tackle everything. What happens when or if they cannot? I’ve seen one example of that recently—someone who hit the wall big-time. There are bullies in the workplace, just as there were on the school playground. When the bullies get control of the workplace, the employees who get beaten up are often the ones who may not have had a lot of self confidence to begin with. Or they may be the ones who are living on crumbs in personal situations as well. Or they may have self confidence, but were raised to not question authority, to not stick their heads up. So if they are unfairly treated, there is no real recourse for them. They are not the ones likely to go over the boss’ head to complain to the higher-ups.

I have been told sometimes that I bring up problems but that I don’t discuss the solutions for them. That may be the case at times, but it may be the case simply because I don’t know what the solutions are. What do you do if you are an older man, for example, whose workplace bullies him, whose wife is sick, whose children depend on him, who knows that his chances of finding another job are next to null at his age? What then? What do you tell that person? Go find another job? Think positive and it will all work out? Blame him for his situation? And even if he is partly to blame, because he has let himself be satisfied with crumbs for many years, how does it help him if society blames him for his entire situation? We like to think that this is not a common situation; the fact is, in my father’s generation, this was a quite common scenario, at least where I grew up. It’s so easy to judge others, and in the end, ourselves. We are often as hard on ourselves as we are on others. The key word is hard. Maybe things would change if more people practiced being softer. Kindness is so underrated. We need more of it in society, in workplaces and in homes. Perhaps the next time a boss is abusive, we need to remind him or her of the value of being kind. That’s at least one solution I can suggest; I have no idea if it will work.