Staying positive during and after illness

A number of friends have commented on my positive approach to life in light of the serious operation I underwent in April. What I know is that I was one of the lucky ones--operated on about a week after my diagnosis and extensive testing--and a three-month recovery that was not fraught with major problems. I was well-treated by the healthcare system in this country, and from my conversations with others who have experienced the system, I had an excellent experience. I am thankful for that. Because had I landed on a long waiting list for an operation, I may not have concluded thusly. And I probably would not be doing well at all. 

The positivity comes from knowing that my diagnosis was correct and that the resultant surgery was successful. None of these things is a given, especially the latter. The tests I went through were extensive and difficult, but tolerable. The mitral valve repair surgery that I underwent is at present fairly routine, but still, there are always risks with any kind of surgery where anesthesia is involved. I knew beforehand that my quality of life without surgery would be null. So there was no question in my mind that surgery was my only option. I wasn't afraid of it. I was rather afraid of not having it soon enough, because my quality of life prior to surgery was poor. I couldn't sleep and I had a hard time breathing properly. You don't live long with those symptoms--all signs of congestive heart failure. 

I am a scientist by training and a fairly pragmatic person. I understand the pros and cons involved in most medical procedures and I can discuss them rationally with the doctors and nurses. I was interested in my condition and in the different types of testing, and told them so. So they weren't afraid to be open about aspects of my treatment that they may not have discussed with another type of patient. There are some people who don't want to know any of the details, and that also has to be respected. But I wanted to know. 

So my positivity evolved out of the knowledge that my only option was surgery, and that it went well. I am grateful for a second chance in life. My brush with mortality has taught me to be grateful for every single day, and to be grateful for my husband and the friends who have remained in my life. There are people who distance themselves from you when you become ill. Perhaps they think you will ask them for help, or perhaps they are scared for themselves. In any case, I am happy to be together with those I can call real friends. With them, I can let down my guard and they know that I can tell them that I have good days and bad days. But the good days far outweigh the bad ones, and knowing that makes me smile. 

The great divide

Parable is a poem I wrote many years ago--my reflections on the great divide between the wealthy and the poor, inspired by the parable in the New Testament about the rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31 NIV - The Rich Man and Lazarus - “There was - Bible Gateway)

Parable

Lazarus in the street,
While in the penthouses above
The glitterati meet.
In the end I left
The glamour, the effete chic.
(Not that I belonged).
‘City of vipers’--
Women poised like cobras,
Bedecked in jewels and haughty crowns,
Ready to strike, tongues flicking.
Gold lame skins rise and fall
With their breathing.
Fixing you with their stares.
Outside the frost-edged window
Awaits the city---
The viper rich indoors
See it not, nor feel.
Teeth flash, capped, even, gleaming--
Fangs for the night about to end
About to start
That never ends, for reality 
Is a party, a toss of the coin--
One more Lazarus for the gutter,
One more snake for the pit. 

from Parables and Voices: A Collection of Poems 1973-2009: De Angelis, Paula Mary: 9781452838762: Amazon.com: Books

All rights reserved. Copyright Paula Mary De Angelis

Autumn and moving on

I have begun to wake up around 7 am, a very peaceful time of day. There is some noise outdoors--garbage collection, children crying because they don't want to go to daycare--those kinds of things. Nothing that is irritating. We have had a wonderful summer--sunny, warm, and pleasant. There have been intervals with rain, but they don't last very long before we're back to sunshine. I've loved every waking minute of it. When I wake up, I thank God for another day of life, and then putter about until my husband gets up. I get an early start on most household chores, which I like a lot. 

I love this time of year--the transition from summer to autumn. It's still warm during the day, but chilly at night. Great for sleeping. I don't always sleep straight through the night until morning, but no matter. I know that I can catch up on some sleep during the day. My first thought upon waking is often my garden. I so look forward to being there. Today is one of those days where I know I can be in my garden undisturbed by obligations and chores. I'm done with most of the garden chores--harvesting, pruning the berry bushes, cutting the grass, and planting new perennials. I'll plant garlic cloves at the end of September as well as some tulip bulbs and the like. The major garden cleanup can wait until spring; that way the birds and insects have plants to feed upon during the winter months. There are so many birds, bees, and butterflies in the garden at present. I love seeing them there. 

When the sun shines like it does today, I feel happy and free. When I get to the garden, perhaps I'll continue reading one of the books I started months ago. I did that on Sunday when we had Visitors Day in the garden. I haven't felt much like reading since my operation, but the desire is slowly returning. Visitors Day was enjoyable; I met many people who visited my garden, and we talked about plants and being on the waiting list to get an allotment garden. Several people commented on how beautiful my garden is. I thanked them. It is a beautiful garden that I've poured my heart and soul into. I'm proud of the results, but I know that none of it would have been possible without God's help. He has been with me every step of the way, and I feel that even more since my operation. Just knowing that I could return to working in my garden was a major goal during my recovery. It waited for me and took care of itself while I was ill. That's the beauty of a (mostly) perennial garden. Eventually the only thing you really need to do is water the garden a few times a week. 

I could focus on a few negative things that have happened recently, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I've learned who my real friends are, and I'm intentionally moving on from those who are not. People show you their true colors, especially when you are ill. My husband commented recently on the few friends here who showed up for me. It's not that they could help me very much--he has helped me the most--but they visited, took contact, sent get-well cards or bought me flowers. It meant and means a great deal to me. Just to be able to talk about what I went through and to let it out, has been a relief for me. A relief that some people would actually listen to me without wanting to jump in immediately and tell me that it's all going to be fine. A relief that some people made time for me. I will forever treasure how I was treated by the doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, and the health personnel generally. Their kindness stands out and washes away the carelessness of the so-called friends who are not friends. I choose to focus on the positive, and have support for that approach from Matthew Kelly's book The Fourth Quarter of Your Life: Embracing What Matters Most. It is truly a wonderful book about how to approach getting older/old, and I recommend it for anyone over fifty years of age. The wisdom contained in its pages is priceless. Old age is often referred to as the autumn and/or winter of life. It's fitting that I finished the book as we prepare for the autumn season. Reading the book freed me from worrying about how to deal with certain situations. I've made some intentional decisions and have let go of what hurt me or made me sad. Life is too short to focus on the callousness of others. I am not callous nor will I ever be. Society encourages that now, but it hasn't changed me. What matters most is how we love others, and also ourselves. What matters most is integrity and remaining true to our values and the voice in our soul that guides us onward in life. 

Caring and not caring

Sometimes the smartest and healthiest thing we can do for ourselves is to care less, not more. I don't mean that we should be uncaring toward others or that we should not love or prioritize others. I mean that sometimes we care too much about what others think of us in situations that do not warrant our attention, or we want to direct others through our caring, and these scenarios are not healthy. Sometimes we don't like how others behave toward us or how they talk to us. We should say--it's your problem, not mine. But often we don't do that. We end up getting dragged into their banal dramas when we should just ignore them and walk away. We should make a conscious effort to not care about what they mean or say about us. Hard to do, yes. But freeing. Because when you really learn to let go of caring about what other people mean about you, especially when they are hypercritical of you, you are free. In the same way, we free others to do and say what they want when we let go of our vision of how they should behave and what they should do and say. The key words are 'letting go', not hanging on. What's important is to let others be, and that means not grasping at them in an effort to get them to do what we think they should do. Grasping at them reveals a kind of desperation. It's not smart behavior. 

There are times in life when others are headed down the wrong path and we want to involve ourselves in order to stop them from making a mess of their lives. But if we haven't been asked for advice or our opinion on a certain matter, why are we getting involved? I'm not talking about children here who need guidance and direction, rather adults who can reason for themselves and make informed choices. Why are we inserting ourselves into others' lives when we've not been asked to do so? There are many well-meaning adults who want to control others, to fashion them according to their own viewpoints and beliefs. We should rather 'let go and let them' live the lives they want to live, regardless of the outcome. And in that way, we end up having fewer dramas and fewer irritating situations to deal with. Sometimes the outcomes for those others won't be happy, sometimes they may even be painful. But they are adult learning experiences. Pain can be a basis for emotional and psychological growth. We cannot prevent others from experiencing pain. 

There are situations when another's behavior/comments may hurt our feelings. Sometimes we are faced with having to choose a response to them. The question is what kind of response. Sometimes it's best to just to let them be that way. Sometimes that's the healthiest response of all. Their bad behavior is not our problem. Perhaps their behavior or comments are intended to provoke us, to make us irritated, sad, jealous or angry. Do we take the bait or do we walk away? Do we care or do we walk away and not care? More and more, I've begun to see the value in not caring. That way, I can reserve my energy for the situations where real caring and active love are warranted. And that way, I don't have to be dragged into another's dramas. That by itself is energizing and empowering. 

And Just Like That comes to an end

I watched the final episode of And Just Like That (AJLT) tonight (it aired last night), and can honestly say that I liked it. I've read some negative reviews and some positive reviews. Many people hated the finale, which simply confirms for me that you either liked the series or you didn't. The negative reviews meant that the series generally was too woke and that the finale didn't do the characters justice. I don't agree and I don't care what the negative reviewers thought. The finale provided fitting endings for Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and their new friends Seema and Lisa. It implied that Carrie's new novel will be a success, but that she doesn't end up with a man after having ended things with Aidan. She accepts that. Miranda finds happiness with her girlfriend Joy but her son's life is a chaotic mess (a one-night stand ended up with the young woman becoming pregnant), and Charlotte and Harry are weathering his bout with prostate cancer. In other words, they are all dealing with the problems of middle age and approaching old age. Life is unpredictable and messy. There are no guarantees of a happy ending for anyone. That is real life, as much as we'd like to run away from that reality. Some of the negative reviews wanted a happy (happier) ending for Carrie. But why? Many middle-aged women end up alone, or remain alone after years of dating. Many choose to live alone. They are often smart and successful women. Carrie at least experienced a happy, albeit short, marriage with Big. All of the characters, including Seema and Lisa (the new friends), are dealing with relationship issues. Those who are married admit that it involves a lot of self-sacrifice and compromise. What grounds all these women are the friendships they have with each other. They know that their friends are always there for them. That is what I love and have loved about the new series and the Sex And The City series. That, and the love affair they have with Manhattan. Having gone to school and worked in Manhattan, I share their feelings about the city. But, these women are wealthy and I was not. You need to be wealthy in order to have the lives these women have. If you're not, you can't remain in Manhattan for very long. But that feeling--that the world was my oyster when I was young and in Manhattan--is a wonderful memory. And after I left it, my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. 

AJLT ended abruptly. It made me wonder why. Perhaps there's more to the story than meets the eye. Perhaps we'll learn more down the line. Or perhaps there really was nothing more to say, no more new stories to tell. Michael Patrick King has said that he felt it was a good time to stop, and Sarah Jessica Parker seconded that statement. It might have been just more of the same--trying to find a good man, dealing with spouses, dealing with children, dealing with work. Dating is difficult at any age; even more so when one is older. Marriages have their ups and downs, and can become routinized at times. Children grow up and leave the nest--choosing their lives for themselves. Work problems can occur at any age. When we're older, we've heard the same stories over and over from spouses and friends. We try to reinvent ourselves. But it gets harder as we age. And we eventually end up asking ourselves--why? Why do we need to reinvent ourselves when we're older? At some point, it's got to be about patting ourselves on the back for getting as far as we've gotten, for achieving the small successes that life has given us. It's about accepting where we are now--the good and the bad. Life is never, and will never be, perfect or as we imagined it. As we age, we should be living in the present and trying not to focus on the past. The future is uncertain at best, so the present is all we have. That's where the series ended. In the middle of real life. There isn't, and there won't be, a fairytale ending, however much we may have wanted one. 

If you'd like to read my post from 2022 about AJLT, here is the link: A New Yorker in Oslo: And just like that, Big died

Do Something by Macy Gray

Heard this song recently while I was on vacation, and it brought me right back to the 1990s. One of her best songs in my opinion. Enjoy.....