Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.
~Louise Erdrich (from her book: The Painted Drum)
I am also literally reminded of how much fruit goes to waste in the community garden: apples, pears, plums, berries. There is bounty all around us, provided by nature, and so many people ignore it. Why? Why do we take these gifts for granted? I'll never understand it. It's hard work to pluck the fruit and to process it in different ways, but so rewarding when you take stock some weeks later of how much fruit you've managed to freeze down, make jams and jellies from, conserve (spiced pears come to mind, or plums in rum), or eat. Thanksgiving Day takes on a whole new meaning for me when I realize how much the early settlers depended on the bounty of the land for their survival. So while the analogy above is about apples as opportunities to live one's life in the most meaningful way possible, the actuality of picking up the apples also provides us with food to keep us alive. When you see how apples are produced, you will be less inclined to waste them by letting them lie on the ground or hang unpicked in the trees. And the reality of the bounty given to us will usher in new ways of looking at our life here on earth. So then we won't waste our lives or the bounty given us.
It has become clear to me that aging itself does not bring wisdom. It often brings regression to childishness, dependency, and bitterness over lost opportunities. Only those who are still intellectually, emotionally, spiritually growing inherit the richness of aging.
--James Hollis
(excerpted from the book What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life)
Back in the USA during the first two weeks of September. My
traveling plans this time around included visits with friends I haven’t seen in
years. My first visit was with an old college friend, Cindy, whom I met many
years ago in the modern dance class we took together. We became friends and
ended up choreographing several dances for the end-of-year recitals that were
open to the public. She and her husband have visited us in Oslo, but that’s a
while ago now. We toured the JP Morgan library in Manhattan (she wanted to visit the library because she, like many tourists there the day we visited, had read the
two recent books about Morgan's personal librarian, a woman named Belle da Costa Greene, who happened to be a black woman). After we visited the library, we walked to the High Line so that she
could experience it, and then we went to see The Vessel, which is a unique and
beautiful artistic structure located on the west side of Manhattan. We walked at least five miles that day in 93 degree F heat. It was good to get back to our hotel (the lovely Warwick Hotel) to relax and cool off.
After I said goodbye to Cindy at Penn Station in Manhattan, I took an Amtrak train to Boston to visit my theology professor from Fordham University who just happens
to be a (semi-retired from teaching but not from writing) Jesuit priest. He is
in his early eighties, is living in the Boston suburbs at a retirement home,
and is as intellectually active as ever. I stayed in a very pleasant guest room
at the center (they have accommodations for guests), attended a 6:30 am mass in
the center’s chapel together with many elderly priests (a very touching
experience), and otherwise enjoyed some really rewarding conversations with my
former teacher. I had so many questions for him, and surprisingly, he had some
for me as well. I realized that there is more that unites us in this life than
divides us. He chose a different path (no marriage and family) but an
interesting one. As I get older, I am more curious about my faith, not less,
and he answered some of my questions. It was good to see him after all these
years. We have kept in touch by letters and emails for many years, but hadn’t
seen each other until now, and I don’t know if I will see him again.
From Boston, I traveled onward by bus to Albany NY where my
friend Maria lives. Jean drove up from Westchester, and we spent the weekend
together, hanging out, talking, and eating well. We managed a trip to Herkimer
to take a boat trip on the Erie Canal, something that I’ve always wanted to do,
especially after I watched the NY Adventure Club’s virtual lecture about the
history of the canal. I’ve written about that in previous posts (
Jean and I returned to her house for a couple of days, which
I always look forward to; her house is like my second home and she is like
family to me. I met her two new grandchildren for the second time, which was
very nice. She and I met up with a biology teacher from our high school who is
in her early eighties and who has dyed her short close-cropped hair a muted
shade of purple. I don’t remember her as being a funny woman, but she is. We
met for lunch in NJ together with another friend, Stef, who also attended the
same high school (Our Lady of Victory in Dobbs Ferry NY).
From there I drove onward to the Milford PA area to get
together with my sister Renata and her husband Tim. We enjoyed some nice days
together just relaxing, and then I drove back to the Westchester area to visit
my friend Gisele for an afternoon. She is unfortunately quite ill and tires easily. But it was wonderful to see her.
This has been my traveling year; my hoped-for goal was to visit with
friends whom I’ve not seen in a while, and I've managed to do that. In
December, I will meet up with another friend, Haika, whom I haven’t seen since 2010. We're planning to meet in Dresden Germany in order to visit the Striezelmarkt
Christmas market there. It’s apparently the oldest one in Europe (
I'm enjoying my travels here and there and want to do more traveling in Europe as well as the USA. I’m always amazed by the vastness of the USA and how things really do function fairly well in spite of that vastness. Some people tell me they are now content to stay in one place and not travel. Perhaps I will say that in ten years or so, but not now.
Weatherwise, this summer will go down in history as one of the worst since I moved here. It started off well in June, with sunny days and warm temperatures. The garden needed to be watered nearly every day, and the vegetables that I planted (pumpkin, zucchini, carrots, tomatoes and string beans) got off to a good start. Then came July, when all it did was rain. It was as though a gray cloud of bad weather settled in over Oslo. The statistics speak for themselves; it rained 22 of the 31 days in July in Oslo, and the 9 dry days were overcast with the sun peeking through every now and then. August wasn't much different, unfortunately; I don't have the stats for how many days it rained in August, but it must have rivaled July.
Today, September 4th, was a real summer day, sunny and warm with temperatures close to 80 degrees F. It was the first day that I wore a summer dress and went bare-legged. It was a pleasure to feel the warm sun on my skin and to walk along the boardwalk on the fjord this evening. I looked out over the water and could see the warm haze in the distance. That's how summer should be. We ate dinner at a seafood restaurant called Solsiden (Solsiden Restaurant); it's open only for the summer season. It was a perfect evening to be there.
The garden decided to call it quits in early August and started preparing for autumn. The pumpkins ended up being quite small; there were five of them but none of them were larger than about four to five pounds. They were turning orange already at the end of July. The string bean plants stopped producing beans at the end of July. The tomato and cucumber plants did not do well in all the rain; the cucumbers were deformed and most of the tomatoes rotted on the vines. The potatoes were fine, likewise the zucchinis, which didn't seem to mind the lack of sun and warmth. The carrots were stubby. But all the berry bushes produced a lot of berries this year, including the blackberry bush. So we have a freezer full of different berries--black currants, red currants, blackberries, raspberries, and gooseberries. The blueberry bushes however did not produce any berries this year, and I'm not sure why.
Each year in the garden is a revelation and a surprise; you learn something new each year and you never quite know how the gardening season will develop. This year it started off well, plateaued early, and faded out early. I'm hoping for a better summer weatherwise next year.
10 THINGS TIME HAS TAUGHT ME
1. Most of our life is spent chasing false goals and worshipping false ideals. The day you realize that is the day you really start to live.
2. You really, truly cannot please all of the people all of the time. Please yourself first and your loved ones second, everyone else is busy pleasing themselves anyway, trust me.
3. Fighting the ageing process is like trying to catch the wind. Go with it, enjoy it. Your body is changing, but it always has been. Don’t waste time trying to reverse that, instead change your mindset to see the beauty in the new.
4. Nobody is perfect and nobody is truly happy with their lot. When that sinks in you are free of comparison and free of judgement. It’s truly liberating.
5. No one really sees what you do right, everyone sees what you do wrong. When that becomes clear to you, you will start doing things for the right reason and you will start having so much more fun.
6. You will regret the years you spent berating your looks, the sooner you can make peace with the vessel your soul lives in, the better. Your body is amazing and important but it does not define you.
7. Your health is obviously important but stress, fear and worry are far more damaging than any delicious food or drink you may deny yourself. Happiness and peace are the best medicine.
8. Who will remember you and for what, become important factors as you age. Your love and your wisdom will live on far longer than any material thing you can pass down. Tell your stories, they can travel farther than you can imagine.
9. We are not here for long but if you are living against the wind it can feel like a life-sentence. Life should not feel like a chore, it should feel like an adventure.
10. Always, always, drink the good champagne and use the things you keep for ‘best’. Tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present. Eat, Drink & Be Merry.
Donna Ashworth
The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it. --Carl Jung
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes
it is letting go. --Hermann Hesse
Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power
than defending or hanging on. --Eckhart Tolle
Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s
openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose
up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but
never stop trying to learn and grow. --Tony Schwartz
Creativity can be described as letting go of certainties.
--Gail Sheehy
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. --Raymond
Lindquist
The world belongs to those who let go. --Tao Te Ching
Everything I read about hitting a midlife crisis was true. I
had such a struggle letting go of youthful things and learning how to exist and
have enthusiasm while settling into the comfort of an older age. --David Bowie
Forgiveness means letting go of the past. --Gerald Jampolsky
For me, every single thing I do seems to be about the
process of letting go because that's what I so desperately need to do with so
many things: with fear, with what people think of me, and all these things I've
worried about my whole life. --John Grant
There's a victory in letting go of your expectations. --Mike
White
I think that what I have been truly searching for as a
person, as a writer, as a thinker, as a daughter, is freedom. That is my
mission. A sense of liberty, the liberty that comes not only from
self-awareness but also from letting go of many things. Many things that weigh
us down. --Jhumpa Lahiri
When you feel stuck in a hard time, jump-start a pro-change
attitude by letting go of possessions that no longer work for you - like old
clothes and old shoes. --Karen Salmansohn
Being deeply contented with God in my everyday life is a
focused attitude. It is always available. It means practicing letting go of my
obsession with how I'm doing. It means training myself to learn to actually be
present with people, and seeking to love them. --John Ortberg
A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can
afford to let alone. --Henry David Thoreau
Politics. We're heading into a new presidential race that unsurprisingly enough feels like a repeat of four years ago. Biden versus Trump, unless each party comes up with a better candidate to represent them. I wish both men would retire quietly, without a lot of fanfare and chest beating, and leave the arena to new and younger blood. Although promising at one time, De Santis just doesn't make the grade; he seems like a mini-Trump sans the bravado and in-your-face aggressiveness. But he pales in Trump's shadow. If Trump wasn't in the picture, maybe he'd have half a chance. But I don't think he has what it takes to be president. Neither does Trump, for that matter. I cannot understand why anyone still supports Trump, but I've given up trying to figure people out. He's a national embarrassment and I can say that; I live abroad and I see the reactions of the European media to him. No one can figure out the Trump supporters. Many theories have been advanced as to why they support him, but there doesn't seem to be one defining thing that makes them like him. It's actually a bit scary.
Society. I saw a meme on Facebook today "Forget world peace, just try visualizing using your turn signal when driving". That's about where it is for me. I suppose we need to aim high--world peace--but at this point, I'd settle for a return to common courtesy and common sense in society. It seems that the world is mired in greed, lack of ethics, lack of empathy, lack of respect, and lack of common sense. I see it every day here in Oslo. The rudeness in society is appalling; bicyclists who don't stop for pedestrians in the crosswalks, but who suddenly stop for no good reason in the bike lanes, causing those behind them to brake suddenly. One day there is going to be a major accident involving many cyclists. Bicyclists here are as thoughtless as many car drivers, but we're always hearing about how rude car drivers are, never how rude bicyclists are. That's because the Green Party here has to push its message, which is to bike in any and all circumstances. "Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail" should prevent the good Oslo citizen from biking. It borders on ridiculous. It's like the Green Party has forgotten that winter in this country is a good five to six months long. I don't understand their point of view and I never will. Some construction projects take years to plan, finalize and complete. Not so with bike paths; they are constructed and finished before you have the chance to take a breath. When they want something, nothing stands in their way--that's the motto of the Green Party. I have no problems with biking; I've been biking my entire life, since I was a child. But I won't bike in the wintertime, and I don't need fascist propaganda telling me to do just that. And as an 83-year old friend of mine recently commented--not everyone can or is able to bike, regardless of age. She's right.
Religion. I attend mass on Saturday evenings/Sunday mornings hoping to find some peace and quiet that are conducive to contemplation and prayer. Not to be had. No matter what (purportedly sans music) mass I attend, the priest insists on singing some part of the mass. Unfortunately, about half of the priests who say mass cannot sing to save their lives, so it's both painful and irritating to listen to them. I stand in the pew and pray that my irritation dissipates, but it's a bit sad to find myself in that position at mass. I don't want to be thinking about my irritation at something that could be solved easily--just have one mass for those people who don't want priests and/or the congregation singing at them, who don't want to sing the entire mass or even parts of it. Just have a quiet mass, for heaven's sake. Is that too much to ask?
Friendship. In the final analysis, friendship is defined for me by who is there for you in good times and in bad. I have a small circle of lifelong friends without whom I couldn't imagine my life. They are in my heart forever. The rest are just acquaintances or work friends, and with a few exceptions, I cannot rely on them to be there for me. It's always been that way, but now that I'm retired, I see it more clearly. They do not prioritize getting together; they prioritize work and more work, anything that furthers the work cause. Now that I no longer work, we have less in common. If one relies on these types of people for friendship, one will be quite lonely. I don't, but I acknowledge the strangeness and clarity of it all. But suddenly, when they want to get together, they expect you to dance to their tune; they decide the time and place, you show up. Not all of them behave that way, of course. But accommodating their schedules doesn't work for me anymore. I used to do that, but no longer. My schedule is just as important as theirs, perhaps more so, because I have plenty to do now that I'm retired. They don't think so, however. So these types of relationships will eventually fade away. As will many other things, since life is about letting go.
Getting older. That leads me to the final observation--getting older means getting tougher in all ways. I'm simply not interested in wasting my time on people, situations, books, films, series etc. that give me nothing, that don't inspire me, that don't make my life better. I don't want to waste time doing things that I don't want to do, and that includes spending time with people who are sometimes nice and sometimes not. I want to spend time with people whose moods are for the most part stable, who are kind at heart, who have Christian values, and who are not rude or aggressive or passive-aggressive, or who try to gaslight you (as in, they never said or meant this or that, but they did say it and they did mean it). I want to spend time with people who are as interested in my life and what I'm doing as I am in theirs. I want to spend time with people with whom I can have a real and meaningful conversation. There is so little of the latter; it truly surprises me that more people don't miss having good conversations. I miss my parents and my brother, who were people I loved and with whom I could converse. Our times together were real, likewise our conversations.
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| Brighton beach houses |
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| Brighton and the sea |
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| Brighton Beach Pier |
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| view of Brighton from Brighton Pier |
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| the upside-down house on the beach in Brighton |
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| what remains of the West Pier after its destruction by 2002 storms and 2003 fires |
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| a very old church in Dover |
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| Dover Castle |
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| the White Cliffs of Dover |
For all those who start their day by complaining--stop. Just stop. When you wake up, thank God for another day, get out of bed, and be glad that the only thing you have to deal with is a few minor aches and pains. Because that is not the case for a good number of people I know, who have different types of cancer of varying stages. Some will survive and some will not. They impress me with their will to just keep going, no matter what. They don't complain, or if they do, they do it privately. I know other people who have/had neurological diseases (multiple sclerosis, progressive parasupranuclear palsy, multiple systemic atrophy) that have taken/will take their lives. It's a slow gradual decline for most of them; they lose the ability to walk, to be mobile generally, to use their hands, to talk, to hold their heads up. It's terrible to watch people we love suffer in this way. I remember them each day and pray for them, as I try to do for all those I know who are seriously ill.
Show real respect for others. Listen. Don't interrupt others at every turn. Give your undivided attention to a child who wants your attention, likewise to an adult who wants the same. We all want to be noticed by others, to be valued and confirmed by others. As Mother Teresa said, charity and love begin at home. What does it profit the world if we help the needy on the street and turn our backs on or ignore those who are closest to us? Don't yell at others or shout them down. Don't belittle others. Too many people do this, thinking that if they raise their voices, they will be heard better. Don't insist on being right all the time, even if you know you are. LET IT GO. What difference does it make if you were correct about some unimportant thing? Were the consequences dire? Most likely they weren't. But we love to be right, to feel that we are better than others. Sometimes we are glad that we 'win' over others. But at what cost? Because if we constantly belittle others, they pay it forward by belittling others, to get rid of that bad feeling they have about themselves. Guaranteed, if you feel bad about yourself, you will try to make others feel bad about themselves as well. It's human nature and is often the first response unless you remember that a higher power is looking out for you, so that you know you are loved and valued.
Don't derive your self esteem or your sense of happiness from social media, television, or any other technology that seeks to suck most of your waking hours from you. Put them in their place. Use them wisely, but let them go otherwise. They are not important. They are a source of entertainment, but there are many ways (perhaps better ways) to enjoy yourself. Read a good book or magazine, read something that inspires you to be a better person. Read. Think about what you read. Write about what you're thinking about and feeling, if you are so inclined. Share what you write with others if you are so inclined. Write a card or a letter to someone who would like to hear from you. Pick up the phone and make a call to someone who would like to hear from you.
Believe in something larger than yourself--a higher power. It will give you perspective about yourself, a perspective that is sorely lacking in today's world. Find a religion, go to a church. Find yourself a congregation, a group of people who share your beliefs. Keep it simple. Don't expect answers to the mysteries of life and death. Just BE, in the company of others. It is immensely comforting.
Don't set out to change the world. Change yourself. As has been said before, be the change you want to see in others. If you change yourself, if you treat others with respect and kindness, it WILL make a difference in the world. Kindness and love are energies that induce the same in others, in the same way that unkindness and disrespect do. There is too much of the latter in the world. There has been a loss of personal boundaries that has led to a catastrophic disrespect for others, mostly due to social media and the hatred that is found there. I am appalled at times by the hatred I find there. I have begun to literally and figuratively walk away from all that is negative, destructive, or too dark because it brings the world closer to a hellish existence that benefits no one.
Last month this blog had almost 41,000 visitors, most of them Americans. That is the highest number of visitors ever; I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of visitors. Thank you to everyone who has checked out the blog, read a few posts, and enjoyed what they've read. I've been told by several people that it's not possible to leave a comment on the individual posts; that's not true. If you'd like to leave a comment, you can. Please do, I enjoy hearing from readers.
My book, A Town and A Valley--Growing Up in Tarrytown and the Hudson Valley, was purchased by the Warner Library in Tarrytown and can be found in the Local History section. It has also been purchased by the Historical Society in Tarrytown. For those readers who would like to know more about the area of New York State where I was born and where I grew up, the book might be of interest to you. It can be purchased on Amazon:
Out in the Country by Three Dog Night is one of my favorite songs of all time. When I was in high school and learning how to make short mov...
