Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Sunday, October 29, 2017
The legacy of bullying and rudeness
I am often reminded of childhood’s mixed bag of blessings
and curses when I stumble upon a faded photo from that time or someone posts a
photo of when we were twelve years old on Facebook. It brings back some sad and strange memories. Some of my
memories of grammar school are of students who bullied other students, or of several
teachers who bullied students. The students who bullied other students were
often the popular girls who picked on the weakest girl (or boy) in the class. I cannot remember that the boys behaved similarly, except for one boy who could never say anything nice. I never understood their bullying behavior then, and
less so now, because on Facebook, all appears to be forgiven. The bullies and
the bullied are friends, and talk about grammar school in their posts as though
it was one of life’s all-time greatest experiences (it wasn’t, and neither was
high school). I am friends with them all too on Facebook, but sometimes I
question the wisdom of it. Perhaps some things should be left in the past,
because as far as I’m concerned, seeing photos from that time merely rips open
the wounds from that time. I escaped being the target of the bullies because
I was the smartest in the class and they did not know how to deal with me, so
they left me alone. Others were not so lucky, and were bullied for being dumb (the word at that time for kids who were not book-smart), often because the teachers also bullied the same children and set a poor example (e.g. making them go sit in a corner on a stool because they were not good students). Sometimes children were bullied for not being good-looking, because their families didn't have money, or because they had strict parents and were not allowed to attend the parties that the bullies could attend. It was a time in life when you
could not count on support from teachers to stand up to the bullies, because
some of the teachers were too busying bullying a few students of their own—for being 'dumb' as already mentioned, or too thin, for being sickly, for having to use the bathroom a lot, for being
high-strung or overly-sensitive. The list goes on. I know of parents who tried
to talk to the principal of the school about the bullying and who were rebuffed
for the most part. I did not take part in the bullying of others; in fact in
several instances I fought against it but there was little an eleven year old
girl could do against mean teachers or a gang of mean girls. Ignore them, don’t
get involved with them, and don’t hang out with them. All those things worked
and got me through grammar school. I guess I told my parents about one unfortunate girl
who got bullied, and I know they found it appalling, even more so if it went on
while the teachers looked the other way. But it was a different era and there
was less focus on such things; the weak and the bullied were kicked aside and
had to fend for themselves. Most of them did and have had adult lives that are
successful and probably happy, likewise for the bullies--many of them have grown up to be decent people. But if I become sad just remembering the
bullying of others that went on, what must the bullied persons feel when they
remember back to that time? And how do the bullies remember their childhood?
Bullies are like sharks; they smell blood and come running.
They smell weakness and exploit that for their own gains, which looking back,
were short-lived. They were popular for a while at the expense of others, and
then they weren’t anymore. I know one woman who has apologized for her bullying
behavior when she was a child. She has expressed remorse knowing she hurt
others with her behavior. She comes from a wealthy background with
everything she could desire growing up. So it’s hard to understand why bullies
bully. Is it because they can, and get away with it? Adults tend to excuse the
behavior of children with statements like ‘They’re only children’ or ‘He didn’t
mean it’ or ‘She’s overly-sensitive to everything’ or ‘He’ll grow out of it’ or
‘Let them solve it themselves’. It doesn’t matter sometimes if children have
nearly killed another child; they have to find excuses for their children and
for why their children aren’t bad children. Maybe bullies had bullies for
parents. It could be one logical explanation. I don’t subscribe to the view
that people (including children) are inherently good; children are only as good as their parents,
meaning that the role of parents is so important that perhaps not all people
should have children if they know they cannot take on that role. You must be a good role model for your children; if you want them to be good people, you must be a
good person yourself. Our Catholic faith teaches about the concept of original
sin, i.e., that we are born with original sin (a propensity to sin given our
free will?) but that our baptism introduces us to the saving grace of Christ
who came to save sinners and frees us from original sin. In other words, we are
given spiritual help from Christ via our church, our parents and our godparents
who renounce the devil for us because we cannot as babies. We don’t know what
is good or bad when we are babies and toddlers—that is the job of our parents
and teachers to teach us. I feel sure that children who exhibit bullying
behavior who are rarely reprimanded by their parents grow up to be bullies. Or
that those who were bullied, if not given the help they needed from the adults
in their lives, can also grow up to be bullies. Regardless, the fault lies with
the adults who close their eyes to the bullying and bad behavior they see in
their children and other children—the adults who never want to get involved.
When I got to high school, it could be the opposite, that a
few students bullied one or two teachers. If I hadn’t seen the fallout from
those occurrences I would never have believed it could happen. As it was, two
teachers, a man and a woman--both in their early thirties, were helpless against a gang of five or six teenage
women who targeted them for destruction. Both lost their jobs because they had
no control over their classrooms; their students lost respect for them even
though many sympathized with their plight. Perhaps it is no wonder that the
teachers who survived were the ones who took no shit from anyone and stated
that right up front. Being a teacher is not a popularity test; it is not an
exercise in finding out how popular you are among your students. You’re there for
a purpose, and that is to teach them, not be their friend. If friendships with
students develop, that’s great, but you can never forget your position and your
role, and the reason you are there.
Which brings me to rudeness; rudeness often accompanies
bullying. They go hand in hand. Bullies are rude to those they bully but also
to society generally. The word ‘rude’ has so many definitions; some are as
follows--offensively impolite or
bad-mannered, discourteous, impertinent, insolent, impudent, cheeky, audacious,
presumptuous, uncivil, disrespectful,
unmannerly, ill-bred, churlish, crass, curt, brusque, blunt, ungracious,
graceless, brash, unpleasant, disagreeable, offhand, short, sharp. Notice
the three words I have highlighted; they merely emphasize my point—that parents
must step up to the plate and do their job as parents—they must raise
respectful, mannerly and well-bred children for the good of society. That is their job. If they do not
want that job, then they should not have children.
I bring this up in today’s post because of the memories that
were triggered by a photo from childhood, but also because the USA has a
president who is both rude and a bully. His father didn’t sound like an empathetic parental figure. But his mother sounded like a decent person. So how
did Trump get to be the way he is? Because along the way people permitted his
behavior or even admired it, because people dismissed his behavior in a joking way (‘He
doesn’t mean it’ (sound familiar?), because he was wealthy and many people exempt the wealthy from the rules, or because he made others wealthy. If you do not stand up against this kind of
behavior, you are complicit in creating a society that worships these types of
people at the expense of respectful, mannerly and well-bred individuals. You
cannot bemoan that situation ten years down the line when you yourself were complicit
in creating it by not standing up for what is decent and ethically right at
present.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Good song by Camila Cabello---Havana
Heard this song for the first time tonight and loved it........
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
A good song--Cantaloop by US3
I'd never heard this song before until recently; it's from 1993. Twenty-four years later, and still cool.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
My post about sexual harassment from October 2016
I wrote a post called Defining sexual harassment in October 2016, and am re-posting it today. It is worth re-reading, if only to remind myself of what sexual harassment is, what some workplaces have done about it, and how nice the world would be for both genders if it simply disappeared. But of course bad behavior never just 'disappears'. It has to be fought tooth and nail before change comes about. I believe that time has come.
https://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.no/search?q=sexual+harassment
https://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.no/search?q=sexual+harassment
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Weighing in on sexual harassment in the workplace
I came to Norway in October 1989, and began working as a senior
research technician in January 1990. I remember many things about that time,
but one thing that stands out is the behavior of the research institute leader
at that time (now deceased). While he was friendly to me, he was also someone I
felt uncomfortable around. I found his jokes to be rather stupid, e.g.
wondering if I or my family were in the Mafia because I had ancestors who were born
in Italy. The first week I was at work and he met me in the hallway, he said
hello and went on his way. An hour or so later, he returned with an oversized lab
coat for me to wear, so that my mini-skirt would be ‘covered’, as he put it. I guess he found me too tempting for the men who worked there--a young
woman working among them who wore her skirts above the knee together with
high-heeled boots. I found his behavior odd, but thought no more about it. As
the months went on, I was told that he and his wife were religious people and
had served as missionaries in Africa for a period. I am not sure why that
mattered, as I found him to be a man whose spiritual qualities were quite
rusty, whereas his physical (read—sexual) needs seemed to matter more. He was
already in his sixties when I started to work there. I’ve written about him
before, but the stories concerning him bear repeating, because he was a man who
behaved in a sexually-harassing way. No one would have called it that then, but
they would now. If I commented on his behavior to the others I worked together
with, they would tell me that’s just the way he was, to ignore him, he was
harmless, etc. But still I never felt comfortable around him, and I am not so
sure he was as harmless as they wanted me to think. I was together with him in
an elevator one day, just us two, and he cornered me and began to ask me if I
knew the difference between the Norwegian words fytte and fitte. The former
is usually used as part of an expression to denote irritation, e.g. fytte fan (similar to ‘goddamn it’),
whereas the latter is the slang word for pussy. Of course I didn’t since I was just
starting to learn Norwegian, so he of course had to explain the difference to
me, and I know he enjoyed doing so. He enjoyed having that power over me, enjoyed
that I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t wait to get off the elevator. Perhaps he
enjoyed testing to me to see how I would react. After all, I came from New York
City, sin city in his eyes for all I knew. I’m sure that’s how he felt about
it. His wife was a pleasant older woman who was probably sick to death of his
flirting with younger women. Because for all his religious leanings, he really
was a dirty old man. I have seen him dance with younger women and grab their
breasts, and I know that he grabbed the rear end of a female Brazilian
scientist who promptly told him where to go. That story was relayed to me along
with several others that cemented his reputation as a dirty old man, at least
to me. He was also not interested in giving credit to those who actually did the work on research projects; he planned who were to be the authors on a research article before the work for it had even started. His view was that the only people who could be included as co-authors on an eventual article were those with PhDs and MDs. At that time, I had a Master's degree and was considering starting PhD work. One of my colleagues, a male MD, protested that this was unfair, as I did, to people like me who would actually do the work. I am forever grateful that he did that, but it didn't change this leader's mind. I can tell you that my interest in helping this leader was null. The project never got started because there was no one to do the work. He was a sexist pig who hid his proclivities under the cloak of religion.
Through the years there have been other men who have behaved similarly, commenting on ‘the view’ if you happen to bend over, or telling jokes about ‘a bush’. Or drunk male scientists at research conferences who danced with the younger women there, and who were all over them which resulted in their having to be forcibly removed from the dance floor by some good men because they would not let go of the women. I’ve witnessed all of these things.
Through the years there have been other men who have behaved similarly, commenting on ‘the view’ if you happen to bend over, or telling jokes about ‘a bush’. Or drunk male scientists at research conferences who danced with the younger women there, and who were all over them which resulted in their having to be forcibly removed from the dance floor by some good men because they would not let go of the women. I’ve witnessed all of these things.
Why do I bring up these behaviors today? Because these types
of behavior do not belong in the workplace. After this past week’s
revelations of how Harvey Weinstein treated many of the actresses who were
working in the films his company was producing, I see the importance of calling
a spade a spade. Weinstein’s behavior borders on/is criminal, especially if he did
indeed rape some of the women who have called him out on his behavior. Sexual harassment in the workplace really is a terrible thing. There is already enough
harassment and bullying in the workplace (including academic workplaces where the balance of power lies firmly with male mentors and leaders)
against women by powerful men, and if you add in the sexual component, it
becomes a nightmare for many women to have to go to work each day. When you are
young, you don’t always know what to say when someone treats you like this. You
may blame yourself first. The smart thing of course is not to do that, but I
don’t know too many women who have managed to blame the men first, to fight
back or to challenge their harassers. It's very easy for those who have never experienced harassment to say that they wouldn't stand for it, that they would fight back, etc. The harassers have the power and control,
and most women do not. If women complain or stand up for themselves, they are
labeled as difficult and out-of-control. Consequently, they are not considered
for leadership positions and are otherwise frozen out of the old-boys club. And
that’s the problem. When I was younger, the old-boys club thought they could
get away with treating women as sex objects and making them feel inferior, and
not much has changed now that I’m older. Power-hungry men still run the show,
and some of the perquisites include being able to have women at their beck and
call. And there will always be women who undermine other women in order to
curry favor with the old-boys club. These are the women who will tell you to
ignore their behavior, or he didn’t mean it, or it’s worse at other workplaces,
or he’s really a nice guy, or he's never done that to them. There are some men who say the same things. These
are the women and men who wake up years down the road (perhaps when their own daughters become victims of sexual harassment), when it’s too late to do
anything about it except to regret that they feigned ignorance or deliberately
ignored abuse when they could have spoken up and supported those who needed
their help. They have to live with their guilty consciences. Frankly, I don’t care about
them or what happens to them.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Our annual autumn drive
We took our annual autumn drive today, a beautiful sunny day, perfect for the occasion. We drove through Jevnaker and Hønefoss, and stopped at a farm in the Hønefoss area where you could pick your own corn. So we stopped and bought some corn, drank some coffee, and went to say hello to one of the sweet horses that was in one of the pens near the corn stands. On the way home we drove along Tyrifjorden, which I think is one of the loveliest in Norway. I took some photos of our afternoon trip that I wanted to share in this post.
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