Bullying and mob mentality

I remain surprised by the lack of self-insight that I experience when I interact with some Trump supporters on social media. I remain surprised by their rudeness, their ‘in-your-face’ aggressiveness, their refusal to accept that Trump lost, their loyalty to a man who would normally not give them the time of day, and their lack of loyalty to their country. Because if they were really loyal to their country, they would never accept Trump’s behavior, his public statements, or his blatant disinterest in the wellbeing of the country. They would never accept his sedition if they were really loyal to their country. 

Those I am referring to are ‘friends’ on Facebook that I know from earlier times in my life. They were kinder people then. They no longer strike me as kind people now. They strike me as bitter people, and for the life of me, I cannot understand why. They have ALL the material things one could want--big houses in the suburbs or out in the country, several cars (all new), well-paying jobs, and good educations. They travel where they want, when they want. They’ve raised families and have had an amount of privilege that many people will never experience in their lifetimes. Have they worked for it? Yes, they have. Do they deserve their nice lifestyles? Yes, they do. I would never question any of that. What I question is their lack of self-insight when it comes to the blessings that they have. I know people who have worked just as hard as they have, many at their own businesses, who simply have not been successful for reasons that have nothing to do with whether they worked hard enough or not. They struggled or have struggled all their lives to make it in American society, without a safety net. Most of them managed to just break even; they managed to pay their bills but never had a fraction of the material goods that I’ve described above. Unfortunately, success in America is defined by how much money you make and by the amassment of material goods over the years. In my parents’ generation, if you had poor health, or lost your job, or never owned your own home, you were a loser. Society was harsh then too. But harsher now. I’ve said many times before that it’s nice to have money and a comfortable lifestyle. But it does not make you better than those who do not have what you have. That is the uncomfortable message of Christianity. If you have a problem with the message, then perhaps you should choose another religious persuasion that suits your narrow views, or no religion at all. Christ said that ‘the poor you will always have with you’. He meant poor in the material sense, but I’m sure he also meant in the spiritual sense. Because his message (The Gospel of Mark 8:36) was also ‘For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?’ Also an uncomfortable message. If you have all you want, and become unkind and unchristian (spiritually poor) to others less fortunate than yourself, you have lost your soul. There is a lot of spiritual poverty in society at present. There is a lot of meanness that surprises me, given the amount of material wealth that most Western societies enjoy.

One of my friends on Facebook says she loves Trump because society is ‘unfair’. This somehow implies that Trump has done a lot to rectify the unfairness that she sees in society. She doesn’t elaborate, but I can guess that she means that he stands for overturning the federal and state programs that help the needy/those defined as needy or those looking for a better life. She means that she does not get the privileges that some of these people get. I’m sure there is an element of truth in what she says, and if so, those problems should be rectified. Perhaps she does not qualify for some of the federal and state programs set up to help the needy. In her case, I don’t know enough about her economic situation to say whether or not she would qualify as needy. But she is one of those that posts aggressive and bitter memes, and fake news memes, like so many of the Trump supporters I know on Facebook. You would think their lives are awful, but it’s quite the opposite in most cases where I know about their lives. They have so many material blessings that they should be on their knees thanking God for them.

I am not a member of or loyal to any political party or to any specific politicians. I am loyal to my country, even though it is pretty messed-up at present. I try to think for myself amid the cacophony of constant news programs on television, social media, and printed media. I have never been a ‘group’ person and never will be. I dislike groups because many of them end up with a mob mentality, as in ‘let’s bully those who don’t think like us’. It’s not just Republicans who do this; Democrats have also gone down that road. Just check out some of the more liberal tweeters on Twitter. Neither side is free from blame. We are where we are in society because of the lack of self-insight on both sides of the political spectrum. Trump came along and exploited the widening gap, making it even wider. It served his political aim, which was to be a king of some sort--a benevolent bully as it were. I remember a girl with whom I went to school who was bullied mercilessly by the ‘cool’ girls in the class. I have never forgotten how they treated her, and all these years later, I still remain sceptical to the personas they present publicly on social media. It’s perhaps unkind of me to say this, but I can't help thinking ‘once a bully, always a bully’. Of course, they can have regretted their earlier behavior and become better people. I hope so. But I knew at an early age that one's behavior was a choice; you chose to be a bully, or you chose not to be a bully when faced with the possibility. If you chose to bully others, you knew exactly what you were doing. Just as Trump does. Just as his supporters do. Mob mentality. 

I would never post and have never posted hateful memes concerning conservatives and Trump supporters. I am not planning on becoming a rude person in response to rude people. I will continue to try to take the high road in most situations. Of course it has happened that I have gotten angry or lost my temper and taken the low road. We are human and we fail. But we can make amends and the important thing is to be able to say that you’re sorry. I’m waiting for some of the Trump supporters I know to say that they’re sorry they supported him and that they were rude and aggressive to family members and friends. But I don’t think they will publicly. Many of them may be privately ashamed that they supported someone like him. That’s a start. I think many of them need to work on self-insight, on trying to figure out why they needed a bully to be their mouthpiece for their nagging discomfort with themselves. They need to figure out why they lined up behind the bully. They need to figure out why they harbor so much hatred and anger. That would go a long way to restoring some kind of sanity in society.

The tables have turned and thank God for that

I've been writing about harassment and sexual harassment in the workplace for many years now. I've experienced both personally as have any number of other women I know. This is not just an American phenomenon, I can attest to that. Norwegian academia has its share of bullies and sexual predators who have run roughshod over the younger women and men who work for them. Some of us just got sick and tired of sweeping the bad behavior under the rug, as so often happens here. In the name of what--preserving the Scandinavian belief that those types of behaviors don't happen here--in purportedly gender-equal countries? They do, and I am here to attest to that fact.

Academia has traditionally been a conservative, male-dominated white collar profession. And there are many good men in academia who have behaved respectfully toward the women and men they lead. I know a lot of them and I am glad to know them. They better the lives of the people who work for them, because those people get the chance to grow professionally without having to succumb to the brutality and/or lust of their employers. But now is the time in society to shed light on the darker sides of life, and harassment and sexual harassment are the darker sides. If you have experienced them, you know this to be true. It taints so much of what should have been a good experience--having a career and growing professionally. The bullies and pigs can make you sick, physically and psychologically. It's easy (and wrong) to tell victims not to take it personally. How else can they take it? The bullying and/or disgusting behavior are aimed at them personally. I am so glad that the tables are turning now in society and that the sexual predators and bullies are being called out, named and shamed. It's their turn to suffer. They deserve it.

Society has dealt too much in victim-shaming. The days when I would let that happen are long-gone for me. They were gone a long time ago, the first time one of the pigs opened his mouth to say something disgusting or off-color to me. Or the first time a domineering and bullying man at work opened his mouth to tell me to shut mine. I told him to shut his. I also told him that he was the rudest man I knew, and he is. He's an old man now, and you could wonder why he's never learned how to behave properly. But he hasn't and he never will. Dealing with him is like dealing with a tantrum-prone child--boring, dissatisfying, and ultimately pointless. You deal with them simply by putting them in their place. And if you are labeled a bitch for doing so, well, then you are a bitch in some people's eyes, but they are not the eyes I care about.

I am re-posting today a piece I wrote back in October 2016 about sexual harassment in the workplace. The only thing that's changed is that more of this disgusting behavior is coming to light. And that makes me happy.

https://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.no/search?q=sexual+harassment

The legacy of bullying and rudeness

I am often reminded of childhood’s mixed bag of blessings and curses when I stumble upon a faded photo from that time or someone posts a photo of when we were twelve years old on Facebook. It brings back some sad and strange memories. Some of my memories of grammar school are of students who bullied other students, or of several teachers who bullied students. The students who bullied other students were often the popular girls who picked on the weakest girl (or boy) in the class. I cannot remember that the boys behaved similarly, except for one boy who could never say anything nice. I never understood their bullying behavior then, and less so now, because on Facebook, all appears to be forgiven. The bullies and the bullied are friends, and talk about grammar school in their posts as though it was one of life’s all-time greatest experiences (it wasn’t, and neither was high school). I am friends with them all too on Facebook, but sometimes I question the wisdom of it. Perhaps some things should be left in the past, because as far as I’m concerned, seeing photos from that time merely rips open the wounds from that time. I escaped being the target of the bullies because I was the smartest in the class and they did not know how to deal with me, so they left me alone. Others were not so lucky, and were bullied for being dumb (the word at that time for kids who were not book-smart), often because the teachers also bullied the same children and set a poor example (e.g. making them go sit in a corner on a stool because they were not good students). Sometimes children were bullied for not being good-looking, because their families didn't have money, or because they had strict parents and were not allowed to attend the parties that the bullies could attend. It was a time in life when you could not count on support from teachers to stand up to the bullies, because some of the teachers were too busying bullying a few students of their own—for being 'dumb' as already mentioned, or too thin, for being sickly, for having to use the bathroom a lot, for being high-strung or overly-sensitive. The list goes on. I know of parents who tried to talk to the principal of the school about the bullying and who were rebuffed for the most part. I did not take part in the bullying of others; in fact in several instances I fought against it but there was little an eleven year old girl could do against mean teachers or a gang of mean girls. Ignore them, don’t get involved with them, and don’t hang out with them. All those things worked and got me through grammar school. I guess I told my parents about one unfortunate girl who got bullied, and I know they found it appalling, even more so if it went on while the teachers looked the other way. But it was a different era and there was less focus on such things; the weak and the bullied were kicked aside and had to fend for themselves. Most of them did and have had adult lives that are successful and probably happy, likewise for the bullies--many of them have grown up to be decent people. But if I become sad just remembering the bullying of others that went on, what must the bullied persons feel when they remember back to that time? And how do the bullies remember their childhood?

Bullies are like sharks; they smell blood and come running. They smell weakness and exploit that for their own gains, which looking back, were short-lived. They were popular for a while at the expense of others, and then they weren’t anymore. I know one woman who has apologized for her bullying behavior when she was a child. She has expressed remorse knowing she hurt others with her behavior. She comes from a wealthy background with everything she could desire growing up. So it’s hard to understand why bullies bully. Is it because they can, and get away with it? Adults tend to excuse the behavior of children with statements like ‘They’re only children’ or ‘He didn’t mean it’ or ‘She’s overly-sensitive to everything’ or ‘He’ll grow out of it’ or ‘Let them solve it themselves’. It doesn’t matter sometimes if children have nearly killed another child; they have to find excuses for their children and for why their children aren’t bad children. Maybe bullies had bullies for parents. It could be one logical explanation. I don’t subscribe to the view that people (including children) are inherently good; children are only as good as their parents, meaning that the role of parents is so important that perhaps not all people should have children if they know they cannot take on that role. You must be a good role model for your children; if you want them to be good people, you must be a good person yourself. Our Catholic faith teaches about the concept of original sin, i.e., that we are born with original sin (a propensity to sin given our free will?) but that our baptism introduces us to the saving grace of Christ who came to save sinners and frees us from original sin. In other words, we are given spiritual help from Christ via our church, our parents and our godparents who renounce the devil for us because we cannot as babies. We don’t know what is good or bad when we are babies and toddlers—that is the job of our parents and teachers to teach us. I feel sure that children who exhibit bullying behavior who are rarely reprimanded by their parents grow up to be bullies. Or that those who were bullied, if not given the help they needed from the adults in their lives, can also grow up to be bullies. Regardless, the fault lies with the adults who close their eyes to the bullying and bad behavior they see in their children and other children—the adults who never want to get involved.

When I got to high school, it could be the opposite, that a few students bullied one or two teachers. If I hadn’t seen the fallout from those occurrences I would never have believed it could happen. As it was, two teachers, a man and a woman--both in their early thirties, were helpless against a gang of five or six teenage women who targeted them for destruction. Both lost their jobs because they had no control over their classrooms; their students lost respect for them even though many sympathized with their plight. Perhaps it is no wonder that the teachers who survived were the ones who took no shit from anyone and stated that right up front. Being a teacher is not a popularity test; it is not an exercise in finding out how popular you are among your students. You’re there for a purpose, and that is to teach them, not be their friend. If friendships with students develop, that’s great, but you can never forget your position and your role, and the reason you are there.

Which brings me to rudeness; rudeness often accompanies bullying. They go hand in hand. Bullies are rude to those they bully but also to society generally. The word ‘rude’ has so many definitions; some are as follows--offensively impolite or bad-mannered, discourteous, impertinent, insolent, impudent, cheeky, audacious, presumptuous, uncivil, disrespectful, unmannerly, ill-bred, churlish, crass, curt, brusque, blunt, ungracious, graceless, brash, unpleasant, disagreeable, offhand, short, sharp. Notice the three words I have highlighted; they merely emphasize my point—that parents must step up to the plate and do their job as parents—they must raise respectful, mannerly and well-bred children for the good of society. That is their job. If they do not want that job, then they should not have children.

I bring this up in today’s post because of the memories that were triggered by a photo from childhood, but also because the USA has a president who is both rude and a bully. His father didn’t sound like an empathetic parental figure. But his mother sounded like a decent person. So how did Trump get to be the way he is? Because along the way people permitted his behavior or even admired it, because people dismissed his behavior in a joking way (‘He doesn’t mean it’ (sound familiar?), because he was wealthy and many people exempt the wealthy from the rules, or because he made others wealthy. If you do not stand up against this kind of behavior, you are complicit in creating a society that worships these types of people at the expense of respectful, mannerly and well-bred individuals. You cannot bemoan that situation ten years down the line when you yourself were complicit in creating it by not standing up for what is decent and ethically right at present.

Weighing in on sexual harassment in the workplace

I came to Norway in October 1989, and began working as a senior research technician in January 1990. I remember many things about that time, but one thing that stands out is the behavior of the research institute leader at that time (now deceased). While he was friendly to me, he was also someone I felt uncomfortable around. I found his jokes to be rather stupid, e.g. wondering if I or my family were in the Mafia because I had ancestors who were born in Italy. The first week I was at work and he met me in the hallway, he said hello and went on his way. An hour or so later, he returned with an oversized lab coat for me to wear, so that my mini-skirt would be ‘covered’, as he put it. I guess he found me too tempting for the men who worked there--a young woman working among them who wore her skirts above the knee together with high-heeled boots. I found his behavior odd, but thought no more about it. As the months went on, I was told that he and his wife were religious people and had served as missionaries in Africa for a period. I am not sure why that mattered, as I found him to be a man whose spiritual qualities were quite rusty, whereas his physical (read—sexual) needs seemed to matter more. He was already in his sixties when I started to work there. I’ve written about him before, but the stories concerning him bear repeating, because he was a man who behaved in a sexually-harassing way. No one would have called it that then, but they would now. If I commented on his behavior to the others I worked together with, they would tell me that’s just the way he was, to ignore him, he was harmless, etc. But still I never felt comfortable around him, and I am not so sure he was as harmless as they wanted me to think. I was together with him in an elevator one day, just us two, and he cornered me and began to ask me if I knew the difference between the Norwegian words fytte and fitte. The former is usually used as part of an expression to denote irritation, e.g. fytte fan (similar to ‘goddamn it’), whereas the latter is the slang word for pussy. Of course I didn’t since I was just starting to learn Norwegian, so he of course had to explain the difference to me, and I know he enjoyed doing so. He enjoyed having that power over me, enjoyed that I felt uncomfortable. I couldn’t wait to get off the elevator. Perhaps he enjoyed testing to me to see how I would react. After all, I came from New York City, sin city in his eyes for all I knew. I’m sure that’s how he felt about it. His wife was a pleasant older woman who was probably sick to death of his flirting with younger women. Because for all his religious leanings, he really was a dirty old man. I have seen him dance with younger women and grab their breasts, and I know that he grabbed the rear end of a female Brazilian scientist who promptly told him where to go. That story was relayed to me along with several others that cemented his reputation as a dirty old man, at least to me. He was also not interested in giving credit to those who actually did the work on research projects; he planned who were to be the authors on a research article before the work for it had even started. His view was that the only people who could be included as co-authors on an eventual article were those with PhDs and MDs. At that time, I had a Master's degree and was considering starting PhD work. One of my colleagues, a male MD, protested that this was unfair, as I did, to people like me who would actually do the work. I am forever grateful that he did that, but it didn't change this leader's mind. I can tell you that my interest in helping this leader was null. The project never got started because there was no one to do the work. He was a sexist pig who hid his proclivities under the cloak of religion.

Through the years there have been other men who have behaved similarly, commenting on ‘the view’ if you happen to bend over, or telling jokes about ‘a bush’. Or drunk male scientists at research conferences who danced with the younger women there, and who were all over them which resulted in their having to be forcibly removed from the dance floor by some good men because they would not let go of the women. I’ve witnessed all of these things.

Why do I bring up these behaviors today? Because these types of behavior do not belong in the workplace. After this past week’s revelations of how Harvey Weinstein treated many of the actresses who were working in the films his company was producing, I see the importance of calling a spade a spade. Weinstein’s behavior borders on/is criminal, especially if he did indeed rape some of the women who have called him out on his behavior. Sexual harassment in the workplace really is a terrible thing. There is already enough harassment and bullying in the workplace (including academic workplaces where the balance of power lies firmly with male mentors and leaders) against women by powerful men, and if you add in the sexual component, it becomes a nightmare for many women to have to go to work each day. When you are young, you don’t always know what to say when someone treats you like this. You may blame yourself first. The smart thing of course is not to do that, but I don’t know too many women who have managed to blame the men first, to fight back or to challenge their harassers. It's very easy for those who have never experienced harassment to say that they wouldn't stand for it, that they would fight back, etc. The harassers have the power and control, and most women do not. If women complain or stand up for themselves, they are labeled as difficult and out-of-control. Consequently, they are not considered for leadership positions and are otherwise frozen out of the old-boys club. And that’s the problem. When I was younger, the old-boys club thought they could get away with treating women as sex objects and making them feel inferior, and not much has changed now that I’m older. Power-hungry men still run the show, and some of the perquisites include being able to have women at their beck and call. And there will always be women who undermine other women in order to curry favor with the old-boys club. These are the women who will tell you to ignore their behavior, or he didn’t mean it, or it’s worse at other workplaces, or he’s really a nice guy, or he's never done that to them. There are some men who say the same things. These are the women and men who wake up years down the road (perhaps when their own daughters become victims of sexual harassment), when it’s too late to do anything about it except to regret that they feigned ignorance or deliberately ignored abuse when they could have spoken up and supported those who needed their help. They have to live with their guilty consciences. Frankly, I don’t care about them or what happens to them. 

Bullying in the workplace

If you have never observed or personally experienced bullying in the workplace, you can count yourself among the lucky people here in this life. I have known several people (men and women) who have been the recipients of behavior from their bosses that was suggestive of bullying. It was more subtle than aggressive, perhaps in keeping with the Scandinavian mindset as opposed to the more aggressive American one, but I would call it bullying nonetheless.

The reason I was reminded of this topic is because I read about it recently in the coursework for an online mini-MBA program that I am currently enrolled in. This particular mini-MBA program, offered by Probana Business School, has six modules, all of which focus on different aspects of leadership. The current one, Module 4, has Value-based Leadership as its focus. The chapters in this module deal with cultural leadership, the ethics of leadership, Corporate Social Responsibility, stress management, and the workplace environment, among others.

I found the chapter on the workplace environment (physical and psychosocial) to be excellent from all standpoints. Not only is it well-written, but it is timely and important. The topic of bullying in the workplace was introduced and discussed extensively; it is apparently a large problem in many modern workplaces. Bullying can result from conflicts that become exacerbated, where it is difficult to identify a bully or a victim; the other type of bullying is termed predatory bullying—in this case there is no difficulty in identifying the bully and the victim. Predatory bullying seems to be most prevalent in workplaces. Bosses can bully their employees, and employees can bully each other. It does not have to be physical bullying; it can also be psychological bullying, which is often far more subtle and insidious. This type of bullying has only one goal, and that is to reduce the victim to a pile of rubble. You might wonder why some bosses go to the trouble of targeting certain employees for destruction. The answer is that they can; some evil-minded bosses can exploit the weaknesses they see in their employees. They exploit the imbalance of power because they can. They might bully those employees who are perceived to be more intelligent than they are, or who are not easy to control. Creative intelligent people tend to prefer to think for themselves; you’d think that would be attractive for most bosses, but sometimes it’s not. Many bosses prefer employees they can control, and it is often those employees who get promoted at the expense of the ones who are much less ‘manageable’.

I have mostly been witness to psychological bullying in the workplace—the type of bullying that can be subtle and insidious. It can take the form of joking about an employee in a meeting in front of others; the intent is to humiliate that person, while the boss comes off smelling like roses—how can you fault him or her for having a sense of humor? Surely employees can take a joke. Sometimes the information that is given to employees about the job at hand is incorrect or incomplete, such that they cannot do their job correctly. Some employees are routinely overlooked when it comes time for promotions or raises; this can be due to gender discrimination, age discrimination, or personal dislike on the part of management. Some employees are ‘frozen out’ by management--ignored or bypassed when it comes to new projects, denied specific opportunities for advancement, denied project leadership, etc. Still others are the recipients of vague, unclear communication on a continual basis, such that they are never really sure where they stand. Others are the victims of backbiting and gossip, which can often be quite cruel. All of it is designed to weaken and eventually annihilate the victim.

Regardless of who is doing the bullying, the cost to the workplace can be substantial, due to reduced productivity, loss of morale, and a negative and destructive workplace environment. Bullied employees experience fear, shock, hopelessness, serious psychological problems, stress disorders, and eventually go out on sick leave or quit. Management can simply not afford to ignore this problem, and if management is the problem, if some members of management are doing the bullying, then the bullies involved should be forced to resign, and then replaced by leaders with more emotional intelligence. 

Quotes about bullying and bullies

Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.
― Theodore Roosevelt

I would rather be a little nobody, then to be a evil somebody.
― Abraham Lincoln

Bullying is not okay. Period. Freedom of religion does not give you the right to physically or verbally assault people. If your sincerely-held religious beliefs require you to bully children, then your beliefs are fucked up.
― Jim C. Hines

One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.
― Michael J. Fox

If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.
― Taylor Swift

When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.
― Anonymous

The common mistake that bullies make is assuming that because someone is nice that he or she is weak. Those traits have nothing to do with each other. In fact, it takes considerable strength and character to be a good person.

– Mary Elizabeth Williams

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

 – Judy Garland

It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

 – J.K Rowling

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

 – Winston Churchill

Bullying consists of the least competent most aggressive employee projecting their incompetence on to the least aggressive most competent employee and winning.

 – Tim Field

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.

 – Tim Fields

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 – Eleanor Roosevelt

I do not at all have the mind of a bully... in my mind bullies are intolerant of contrary opinion, domineering and rather cowardly. I would hope that none of those terms could be fairly used in describing me.

--Conrad Black

It's the bullies who are afraid, are the ones that do all the fighting. It's not the secure kids that get out there and fight. It's the insecure kids.

--Chuck Norris

My former bullies pay extra to come backstage and meet me after shows, and I pretend not to know them in front of their friends. It is the most divine pleasure to exact the revenge of the brutalized child that resides within.

--Margaret Cho

Bullies are just ignorant.

--Josh Hutcherson