Interacting with people who have narcissistic personality disorder (pathological narcissism) is unnerving and unpleasant. There really is no other way to describe it. There is
little that is enjoyable in any interactions with them. I’ve been wanting to write a post about pathological narcissists for a while now, because I’ve had several brushes with them in my life thus far. You will know you’ve
dealt with them when you feel abused, intimidated, and angry about it; when you feel completely manipulated (out-maneuvered) into
doing something you did not want to do; when
you feel angry at yourself for giving in on an issue that you wanted to stand
firm on; and when you experience a sense of bewilderment concerning the outcome
of a situation that on the surface seemed quite straightforward and
unproblematic. Some interactions with them can quickly escalate into situations
that border on craziness, where you will question your own sanity after having
been privy to their borderline insanity.
Narcissistic personality disorder is rare, and perhaps that is the reason it has not been talked about much. But
the time has come to throw some light on this disorder. My descriptions of a
pathological narcissist, based on my unnerving and unpleasant interactions with
them, are as follows: a person who has an extreme sense of entitlement and
who will run roughshod over others to get what he or she thinks he or she
deserves; a person who will shamelessly manipulate others to get what he or she
wants; a person who harasses others without letting up until he or she gets
what he or she wants (a psychologically abusive person); a person who does not
understand the word ‘no’ and the importance of personal boundaries; a person
who is completely indifferent to the pain and suffering of others, i.e., lacks
empathy; a person who will turn on others at a moment’s notice (often in a cold
rage) and pull the rug right out from under them; a person who really does not care
about or love others in a real way. You may think that you can get the upper
hand in terms of controlling pathological narcissists and their destructive
behavior, but you cannot, much like you cannot control psychopaths. The only
way you will be able to control them is to become like them; but most normal
people with a healthy sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals
simply cannot do this. So your best bet is to withdraw and to not engage with or enable them in any way. This requires an acute sense of awareness of how and when
they manipulate others, and if you have
to interact with them because they are e.g. co-workers or family members,
then all the more reason for the awareness. But if you have been burned once by
a pathological narcissist, your manipulation detector will be on full-blast at
all times anyway, especially when dealing with that person. You cannot ever let your guard down when you
are around a pathological narcissist, which is one of the reasons most normal
people want nothing to do with them. You must always assume that they want
something from you or that you have something that they wish to take from you, whenever
they establish contact with you. You cannot ever trust them to behave fairly,
kindly, or empathetically. You can
trust them to behave unfairly, unkindly, or unsympathetically. There is no real
relationship with them, nor should you try to pursue one. They are takers, and they rely on the fact that most normal
people both give and take in equal measures. They however can come into your
life, take what they want, and disrupt that balance in a very short amount of time.
One might think that pathological
narcissists would be ashamed of their manipulative behavior, but they aren’t,
and that allows them to continue behaving in this way. The disorder is very
difficult to treat, as are most personality disorders, because those who have
them refuse to admit that they are ill. They don’t really care for or about
others; they don’t care what others think about them, and this allows them to
behave badly. There is no sense of guilt because they don’t see that they’ve
done anything wrong so that they should feel guilty. They always blame others
if things go wrong. They walk away from the suffering or destruction they’ve
caused, leaving others to pick up the pieces, and I can attest to this. They are indifferent to the
sufferings of others. They do not seem to be equipped with a normal sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals.
·
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
·
Have a sense of entitlement and require
constant, excessive admiration
·
Expect to be recognized as superior even
without achievements that warrant it
·
Exaggerate achievements and talents
·
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success,
power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
·
Believe they are superior and can only
associate with equally special people
·
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look
down on people they perceive as inferior
·
Expect special favors and unquestioning
compliance with their expectations
·
Take advantage of others to get what they want
·
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize
the needs and feelings of others
·
Be envious of others and believe others envy
them
·
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming
across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
·
Insist on having the best of everything — for
instance, the best car or office
The website goes on
to say: At the same time, people with
narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive
as criticism, and they can:
·
Become impatient or angry when they don't
receive special treatment
·
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily
feel slighted
·
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle
the other person to make themselves appear superior
·
Have difficulty regulating emotions and
behavior
·
Experience major problems dealing with stress
and adapting to change
·
Feel depressed and moody because they fall
short of perfection
·
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame,
vulnerability and humiliation
These symptoms
describe the pathological narcissists I have had the displeasure of meeting and
interacting with. Just dealing with one such person is enough for an entire lifetime. How did they get that way? Pathological narcissists were
probably enabled from a very early age, of that I’m sure. As children, they
were likely indulged at all turns, spoiled by their ‘well-meaning’ but rather
stupid parents, given their way, told that all they did was perfect or nearly
so. There has to be something pathological in the parent-child relationship; either parents are too smothering or too critical. I am sure that many such parents did not think that their
children would grow up to become pathological narcissists. But it must be quite
a shock for some parents to see the monsters they have created. I doubt that
these children are grateful in any way to their parents; they must view them in
the same way as they view others—with contempt for how easy it is to manipulate
them, and how easy it is to manipulate situations that involve them. As I have
stated earlier, steer clear of these types of people if you want your life to
be in any way peaceful or happy, or if you want to prevent the destruction of your own life. Let the professionals deal with them. It is not worth the heartache involved to try
and care about these people.
