Learning about narcissistic personality disorder

Interacting with people who have narcissistic personality disorder (pathological narcissism) is unnerving and unpleasant. There really is no other way to describe it. There is little that is enjoyable in any interactions with them. I’ve been wanting to write a post about pathological narcissists for a while now, because I’ve had several brushes with them in my life thus far. You will know you’ve dealt with them when you feel abused, intimidated, and angry about it; when you feel completely manipulated (out-maneuvered) into doing something you did not want to do; when you feel angry at yourself for giving in on an issue that you wanted to stand firm on; and when you experience a sense of bewilderment concerning the outcome of a situation that on the surface seemed quite straightforward and unproblematic. Some interactions with them can quickly escalate into situations that border on craziness, where you will question your own sanity after having been privy to their borderline insanity.

Narcissistic personality disorder is rare, and perhaps that is the reason it has not been talked about much. But the time has come to throw some light on this disorder. My descriptions of a pathological narcissist, based on my unnerving and unpleasant interactions with them, are as follows: a person who has an extreme sense of entitlement and who will run roughshod over others to get what he or she thinks he or she deserves; a person who will shamelessly manipulate others to get what he or she wants; a person who harasses others without letting up until he or she gets what he or she wants (a psychologically abusive person); a person who does not understand the word ‘no’ and the importance of personal boundaries; a person who is completely indifferent to the pain and suffering of others, i.e., lacks empathy; a person who will turn on others at a moment’s notice (often in a cold rage) and pull the rug right out from under them; a person who really does not care about or love others in a real way. You may think that you can get the upper hand in terms of controlling pathological narcissists and their destructive behavior, but you cannot, much like you cannot control psychopaths. The only way you will be able to control them is to become like them; but most normal people with a healthy sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals simply cannot do this. So your best bet is to withdraw and to not engage with or enable them in any way. This requires an acute sense of awareness of how and when they manipulate others, and if you have to interact with them because they are e.g. co-workers or family members, then all the more reason for the awareness. But if you have been burned once by a pathological narcissist, your manipulation detector will be on full-blast at all times anyway, especially when dealing with that person. You cannot ever let your guard down when you are around a pathological narcissist, which is one of the reasons most normal people want nothing to do with them. You must always assume that they want something from you or that you have something that they wish to take from you, whenever they establish contact with you. You cannot ever trust them to behave fairly, kindly, or empathetically. You can trust them to behave unfairly, unkindly, or unsympathetically. There is no real relationship with them, nor should you try to pursue one. They are takers, and they rely on the fact that most normal people both give and take in equal measures. They however can come into your life, take what they want, and disrupt that balance in a very short amount of time. 

One might think that pathological narcissists would be ashamed of their manipulative behavior, but they aren’t, and that allows them to continue behaving in this way. The disorder is very difficult to treat, as are most personality disorders, because those who have them refuse to admit that they are ill. They don’t really care for or about others; they don’t care what others think about them, and this allows them to behave badly. There is no sense of guilt because they don’t see that they’ve done anything wrong so that they should feel guilty. They always blame others if things go wrong. They walk away from the suffering or destruction they’ve caused, leaving others to pick up the pieces, and I can attest to this. They are indifferent to the sufferings of others. They do not seem to be equipped with a normal sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals. 

The following are symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, reprinted from the Mayo Clinic website--https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662 ).

·         Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance

·         Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

·         Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

·         Exaggerate achievements and talents

·         Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

·         Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

·         Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

·         Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

·         Take advantage of others to get what they want

·         Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

·         Be envious of others and believe others envy them

·         Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

·         Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

The website goes on to say: At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

·         Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

·         Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

·         React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

·         Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

·         Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

·         Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection

·         Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

These symptoms describe the pathological narcissists I have had the displeasure of meeting and interacting with. Just dealing with one such person is enough for an entire lifetime. How did they get that way? Pathological narcissists were probably enabled from a very early age, of that I’m sure. As children, they were likely indulged at all turns, spoiled by their ‘well-meaning’ but rather stupid parents, given their way, told that all they did was perfect or nearly so. There has to be something pathological in the parent-child relationship; either parents are too smothering or too critical. I am sure that many such parents did not think that their children would grow up to become pathological narcissists. But it must be quite a shock for some parents to see the monsters they have created. I doubt that these children are grateful in any way to their parents; they must view them in the same way as they view others—with contempt for how easy it is to manipulate them, and how easy it is to manipulate situations that involve them. As I have stated earlier, steer clear of these types of people if you want your life to be in any way peaceful or happy, or if you want to prevent the destruction of your own life. Let the professionals deal with them. It is not worth the heartache involved to try and care about these people.