Revenge is “the action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands” (Oxford online dictionary). I remember the expression ‘Revenge is a dish best eaten cold’. It implies a cool and calculating reaction to those who have treated you badly—that you should plan your revenge coldly and carefully. I can understand this approach, rather than screaming, ranting and raving toward the perpetrator who has victimized you. Hot anger is much less preferable to cold revenge. Hot anger shows the perpetrator that he or she has gotten to you, gotten under your skin, and that gives him or her power over you. Much better to play it cool and to plan revenge carefully, if that is your thing. In that way, you retain your power over yourself and the situation, and you keep the others around you guessing.
But what if revenge is not your thing? Most people who have been wronged don’t take revenge on those who have hurt them, not in big ways anyway. Most spouses who have experienced betrayal, unfaithfulness, and/or abuse choose divorce (however messy) in order to be able to go on with their lives in a peaceful and stable way and to protect children if children are involved. Most people who have been wronged simply want to escape those who have wronged them, just want to get away from them and never see them again, or want to have as little as possible to do with them. They may achieve this, or they may not; their lives may continue to be difficult, but I’m betting that for most of them, just being free of those who have wronged them is worth gold.
Our Christian faith encourages us to forgive those who have sinned against us, who have wronged us. We are often told to ‘forgive and forget’. One of the things I reflected on today was that it is one thing to forgive a transgression against us; with time, the intensity of the hurt fades and we are able to go on with our lives. It is said that ‘time heals all wounds’, and that is mostly true. But it is not true that we forget those wounds, despite what the expression says. It is very difficult to forget the hurt done to one, even if we suppress it and go on about our daily lives. In any case, forgiveness is a choice, a decision, an active process, to pardon another person who has wronged us, even if that person has not asked for forgiveness, or perhaps, in spite of that fact. But we often cannot forget the wrong done us, even if we forgive it. The person who has wronged us knows this, knows that the wronged person will forever go around with the memory of who that person is and how they wronged them (a snapshot in time), despite the fact that the transgressor may have evolved or changed into a better person. In other words, true revenge, life’s revenge, is the reality that in the minds of many wronged people, the person who sinned against them will forever be ‘that bad person who hurt them’. That has got to sting. The person or persons who wronged them will not have a clean slate with those they have wronged; they will retain the identity of 'bad person', especially if there is no longer contact with them. The memories of the transgressions will always be there, under the surface. I know several betrayed women who forgave their husbands’ infidelities and consented to live further with them. But ask them if they managed to forget the bad behaviour, and the answer is no. They live with these men by setting aside the hurt and not talking about it as a couple. The men have apologized. But their wives no longer trust them as they once did. Thus these women have ended up with the power to forgive and to forget, but the inability to forget is a type of natural revenge that seals the fate of the transgressor. It locks the transgressors into an identity that they cannot shed, and they end up subjugated to the power of those they have wronged in a kind of penance. That type of power, if wielded correctly, is not necessarily a bad thing since it keeps people on their toes and on their good behaviour. But it does limit freedom. I sometimes wonder if it is possible to rebuild trust once it has been destroyed; I don't have any simple answers.
We are asked to be like Christ, who suffered humiliation, torture and finally death on a cross. He asked for forgiveness for those who wronged him. But it is hard to be like Christ. We can try, and we should try, but no one can force us to forgive another before we are ready. No one can tell us to forget the wrong done us before we are ready. We cannot forgive and forget overnight, and those who think we should do so are fools, or they are people who have never experienced the difficulty of being hurt and trying to forgive. Forgiveness is a process that can take many years; forgetting may or may not occur—it is impossible to predict. It is completely normal to wish that bad things would happen to bad people who have wronged us (this rarely happens and if it does, there is no superstition involved). It is completely normal to hope that ‘time wounds all heels’. It is completely normal to smile inwardly when we see a bad person get his or her comeuppance. My point is that this is usually enough 'revenge' for most wronged people; they don’t need to envision elaborate revenge fantasies and actualize those fantasies; they don't need to take down those who have wronged them. In some cases, the transgressors destroy themselves, in other cases, time and life take care of them, especially if they haven’t learned from their bad behaviour and continue on their destructive paths. Many bad people grow old and end up alone and lonely. I have watched the rise and fall of a few bad people, and it’s hard to feel sorry for them, especially knowing how they treated other people. But if they want forgiveness, they need to prove that they have changed and evolved; they need to earn the forgiveness of those they have wronged. They can start by truly apologizing, making amends, and changing their behaviour for good.That is the only way back.
