A strange topic to reflect upon, you might think. But after
reading
Gullburet (The Golden Cage)
by Camilla Läckberg (a Swedish crime novelist), I had to weigh in with some of
my thoughts and feelings about it. The book itself is lightweight; I wouldn’t
give it more than C+, so I won’t exactly recommend it as an interesting crime
story. It’s more of an adolescent fantasy about a thirty-something woman who
takes revenge on the husband who has wronged her. Her childhood included a violent
father, an abused mother, and a brother who committed suicide. Of course the husband
who has wronged
her is a standard
archetypal role model for real bad boy sociopathic behaviour, including narcissism,
physical and psychological abuse of others, betrayal, pathological lying, manipulation,
sex addiction, rape, and paedophilia. The list is long. While he (and his
cronies who are just like him) engage in all this bad behaviour, they run
billion dollar companies, drink the best liquor and wines, eat at the best
restaurants, and dress in designer clothes. They live in huge homes in
Stockholm overlooking the water that are furnished with designer furniture,
drive the most expensive cars money can buy, and have housekeepers and nannies
to take care of the houses and children to whom they are mostly indifferent. It’s
all for show, including the wives and children, who are also dressed in
designer clothes and who must live up to a certain standard. Hence the title,
The Golden Cage; women trapped in
loveless marriages gilded with all the money they can think of. Why would
anyone want to leave such a cage? But of course we know that such men use women
and use them up, divorce them, and replace them with younger versions whom they
will treat in much the same way as the ex-wives they have kicked to the curb,
so there is no safety or stability in the gilded cage. I guess all this happens
more frequently in the world of the rich. I for one could not identify with
most of the main characters in the book, nor would I want to. I did not
identify with the main character Faye whose husband betrays her and kicks her
to the curb, because she is also a sociopath who is not averse to murdering
others if that is what it takes to rid her path of obstacles on her way toward
achievement of the goals she has set for herself. It’s a strange book, but it
did put me on the path of reflection about what revenge is and how others deal
with being wronged. Faye does get her revenge on her husband and destroys his
life, but I had to wonder why she bothered. It all seemed a bit much to me.
Moving on from him would have been enough, but then there wouldn’t have been a
book to write.
Revenge is “the action of hurting or harming someone in
return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands” (Oxford online
dictionary). I remember the expression ‘
Revenge
is a dish best eaten cold’. It implies a cool and calculating reaction to
those who have treated you badly—that you should plan your revenge coldly and
carefully. I can understand this approach, rather than screaming, ranting and
raving toward the perpetrator who has victimized you. Hot anger is much less preferable
to cold revenge. Hot anger shows the perpetrator that he or she has gotten to
you, gotten under your skin, and that gives him or her power over you. Much
better to play it cool and to plan revenge carefully, if that is your thing. In
that way, you retain your power over yourself and the situation, and you keep
the others around you guessing.
But what if revenge is not your thing? Most people who have
been wronged don’t take revenge on those who have hurt them, not in big ways
anyway. Most spouses who have experienced betrayal, unfaithfulness, and/or abuse
choose divorce (however messy) in order to be able to go on with their lives in
a peaceful and stable way and to protect children if children are involved. Most
people who have been wronged simply want to escape those who have wronged them,
just want to get away from them and never see them again, or want to have as
little as possible to do with them. They may achieve this, or they may not;
their lives may continue to be difficult, but I’m betting that for most of
them, just being free of those who have wronged them is worth gold.
Our Christian faith encourages us to forgive those who have
sinned against us, who have wronged us. We are often told to ‘
forgive and forget’. One of the things I
reflected on today was that it is one thing to forgive a transgression against
us; with time, the intensity of the hurt fades and we are able to go on with
our lives. It is said that ‘
time heals
all wounds’, and that is mostly true. But it is not true that we forget
those wounds, despite what the expression says. It is very difficult to forget
the hurt done to one, even if we suppress it and go on about our daily lives. In any case, forgiveness is a choice, a decision, an active process, to pardon another person who has wronged us, even if that person has not asked for forgiveness, or perhaps, in spite of that fact. But we often cannot forget the wrong done us,
even if we forgive it. The person who has wronged us knows this, knows that the
wronged person will forever go around with the memory of who that person is and
how they wronged them (a snapshot in time), despite the fact that the transgressor may have evolved
or changed into a better person. In other words, true revenge, life’s revenge,
is the reality that in the minds of many wronged people, the person who sinned
against them will forever be ‘that bad person who hurt them’. That has got to
sting. The person or persons who wronged them will not have a clean slate with
those they have wronged; they will retain the identity of 'bad person', especially if there is no longer contact with them. The memories of the
transgressions will always be there, under the surface. I know several betrayed women who forgave their husbands’ infidelities and consented
to live further with them. But ask them if they managed to forget the bad behaviour,
and the answer is no. They live with these men by setting aside the hurt and not talking about it as a couple. The men have apologized. But their wives no longer trust them as they once did. Thus these women have ended up with the power to forgive
and
to forget, but the inability to forget is a type of natural revenge that seals the fate
of the transgressor. It locks the transgressors into an identity that they cannot shed, and they end up subjugated to the power of those they have wronged in a kind of penance. That type of power, if wielded correctly, is not necessarily a bad thing since it keeps people on their toes and on their good behaviour. But it does limit freedom. I sometimes wonder if it is possible to rebuild trust once it has been destroyed; I don't have any simple answers.
We are asked to be like Christ, who suffered humiliation, torture
and finally death on a cross. He asked for forgiveness for those who wronged
him. But it is hard to be like Christ. We can try, and we should try, but no one can force us to
forgive another before we are ready. No one can tell us to forget the wrong
done us before we are ready. We cannot forgive and forget overnight, and those
who think we should do so are fools, or they are people who have never experienced the difficulty
of being hurt and trying to forgive. Forgiveness is a process that can take many
years; forgetting may or may not occur—it is impossible to predict. It is
completely normal to wish that bad things would happen to bad people who have wronged us
(this rarely happens and if it does, there is no superstition involved). It is completely normal to hope that ‘
time wounds all heels’. It is completely normal to smile inwardly
when we see a bad person get his or her comeuppance. My point is that this is usually
enough 'revenge' for most wronged people; they don’t need to envision elaborate revenge fantasies and actualize those fantasies; they don't need to take down those who have wronged them. In some cases, the transgressors destroy
themselves, in other cases, time and life take care of them, especially if they
haven’t learned from their bad behaviour and continue on their destructive
paths. Many bad people grow old and end up alone and lonely. I have watched the rise and fall of a few bad people, and it’s hard to feel
sorry for them, especially knowing how they treated other people. But if they
want forgiveness, they need to prove that they have changed and evolved; they
need
to earn the forgiveness of those they have wronged. They can start by truly apologizing, making amends, and changing their behaviour for good.That is the only way back.
