You say you love your country, but.......

Most people would tell you that they love their country, hands down. Most people don't even think about whether they do or not. And I'm sure most people who say they love their country, do love it on some level. But not on all levels. If they truly loved their country, they wouldn't do the following:

a) Litter. I walk around the city of Oslo and am often appalled at the amount of litter on the sidewalks and streets. Empty soiled plastic food containers here and there; empty and soiled paper bags likewise. Smashed bottles after Friday night parties. Or empty beer bottles just standing on the sidewalk or at door entrances. The same, just on a larger scale, after music festivals and outdoor concerts. Are people so lazy that they can't put their trash in a garbage can? I guess so. Lazy entitled spoiled brats. 

b) Dog poop bags. This is more litter that some folks leave lying around instead of placing in the trash can. Place the bags in the trash can, for God's sake. To your credit, at least you got halfway and placed the poop in the bag. Now place the bag in the trash can. Your dogs are not going to do it for you. 

c) Tagging. Tagging is not graffiti. Tagging is not art. Tagging is nonsensical behavior perpetrated by entitled spoiled brats who go around at night defacing the facades of apartment buildings, office buildings, and restaurants. I don't care how important you think you are, you're not. You're annoying individuals who ruin the beauty around us. 

d) Using sidewalks for biking or e-scootering. Not only is this behavior rude and uncalled for, but it is extremely dangerous. Not for those doing the biking or scootering, but for those who have the right of way on the sidewalks and yet find themselves pushed to the side as the bikes and scooters whiz by. Because if you don't move, you'll get hit and will definitely get injured. Older people, handicapped people, blind people don't stand a chance. Where are the police? As usual, nowhere in sight for this type of behavior. It's not punished or prioritized as a problem. So on the sidewalks, it's every man and woman for himself. I have begun to speak rudely to those who ride on the sidewalks when they should be riding in the road. I don't want to hear your excuses. Just get off the sidewalks. 

These are just some of the behaviors that irritate me no end. They are indicative of the lack of caring for others in society. They are indicative of our narcissistic me-first, go-screw-yourself society. The lack of civility and kindness is a huge societal problem. We could come a long way toward improving things if people stopped littering, tagging, and biking/scootering on the sidewalks. How about it people? What's it going to take for you to truly love your country and your fellow man or woman? I don't care a whit about your show of patriotism on your independence day and about your proclamations that your country is the best in the world. If you don't take care of your country and its inhabitants by behaving well, then your patriotism is just for show. Unfortunately, I've concluded that it's just for show. 

Friendships and a similar core of moral decency

I get it. Everyone is tired, mentally and physically, after a year of nothing but Covid-19 pandemic news and one of the most divisive and destructive presidential elections in American history. Tempers are frayed, patience is thin, and energy levels are low. I am experiencing all of these things, and I know others are too. The toughest thing to deal with has not been the pandemic, strangely enough, but the sadness of coming to terms with the realization that there are friends and acquaintances that I really no longer want to know or have in my life. I just don’t know how to tell them so I haven’t for the time being. The friends were never close friends, but they belong to an earlier time in my life, and at that time, they were kind people—kind to me and kind to others. We reconnected on Facebook after many years of no contact. The people they are now could not be described as kind. I would rather describe them as hard-hearted, cynical, critical, and mean. Unfortunately, they were and still are Trump supporters who bought into the ‘Stop the steal’ conspiracy and all of the other nonsensical conspiracy theories that abound. They won’t condemn Marjorie Taylor Greene for her wild and divisive rhetoric and nonsensical viewpoints. They won’t condemn the hoisting of the Confederate flag in the Capitol building during the Capitol invasion. Heck, they haven’t condemned the invasion itself, and that by itself is cause for concern. They are still posting aggressive and bullying posts on social media that push the 'election was stolen' conspiracy, that Biden is a terrible person--the entire package. 

As I recently wrote to a friend of mine, I want friends whose core of moral decency is similar to mine. I don’t have much time for anything else the older I get. Good friends challenge us to see the other sides of issues, but in a positive way, not in a mean-spirited or negatively critical way. Not in a bullying way. If they love us and like us, they will not be ‘in-your-face’ aggressive toward us. If they love us, they will not be deliberately unkind or mean to us. You are rude, mean or aggressive to people you don’t really like; you don’t have to be, but if you are, it’s because you don’t like them. If you say you love or like someone, then you will strive to treat them well, to be nice, to be respectful, to be positive when criticizing them—all those things that make up common moral decency. Yes, we can be tired or exhausted, but the old adage, ‘count to ten’ rather than say something you might regret, is very applicable for situations that can annoy us with loved ones. How much do you value the relationship you have with others? Continual rudeness, aggressiveness, unkindness or deliberately provoking or needling others are simply ways of telling them that they don’t matter to us, that they are of little value to us.  

The importance of good leadership

I’ve written about good and bad leadership many times over the past ten years, mostly as relates to a workplace setting. It’s clear to me that bad leadership has a major impact on how employees view their jobs and their career prospects. Bad leadership is narcissistic leadership; leaders who are most concerned about what their employees can do for them, rather than the other way around. Narcissistic leaders are not interested in serving their company or their employees; they are interested in serving themselves. That can define a lot of modern workplaces; one need only take a look at the hefty bonuses given to crappy leaders at the expense of loyal hard-working employees who will never in their lifetime see a fraction of the amount of money that some of the bad leaders rake in. Many of the bad leaders make a mess of one workplace, only to then move on to the next one that is waiting to welcome them with open arms. They are not or cannot be held accountable for the chaos they leave behind, which I think is wrong, especially in public sector workplaces but also in private ones. Your reputation as a destroyer should follow you and hinder you from getting a new leadership position.

Most employees who have been treated poorly do not want to stay in their jobs; unfortunately many do, either because they cannot afford to quit without another job waiting for them (not always the case) or because they have lost the necessary confidence to seek other positions. The latter is not talked about very often, but it is important and an absolutely decisive factor in whether or not an employee actually gets a new position. Nowadays you have to market yourself to the nth degree, and if you don’t have the confidence to do that due to constant harassment or badmouthing by bad leaders, you’ve lost the battle before you even started fighting.

Bad leaders should be fired, pushed aside, frozen out, or ignored. However it happens, they should have their power stripped from them. Unfortunately this rarely happens. But if you work in a workplace long enough, you can be witness to the karma effect, as in, karma is a bitch. Time heals all wounds, as is often said, and it does. What doesn’t kill you does make you stronger. But time often wounds all heels, and that is a good thing for the heels and for those who have been mistreated by them to see, even though it involves the downhill slide of once-deemed-important leaders into a deserved oblivion. No one will miss them or care about them, and in fact, workplaces can begin to really thrive again once they are gone.

And that brings me to the presidential transition in the USA. A transition from a bad leader to a (hopefully) better one. Biden is at least a decent human being, something that cannot honestly be said about Trump. Decency is a good start in my book. If Trump is at all decent, I haven’t seen evidence of it, and I would need to see the evidence before I can change my opinion of him. But he is absolutely not a good leader. I have said it many times before; he squandered the wonderful opportunity he had as a non-politician to really lead the country into a different future, to implement policies and ways of doing things that could have had good effects and lasting change. Instead he chose to dabble with the alt-right, with white supremacists, with haters and bigots, with conspiracy theorists, with the fringe elements that were enabled by him to slither out from under their rocks into prime time. America got a good look at what lives in its underbelly, and it is none too pretty. If you think it’s cool that the underbelly exists, then you must be prepared to live with the consequences. I for one do not think it’s cool that an American president sanctions racism and white supremacy, yells at reporters, makes fun of the disabled, or acts like a spoiled brat on the world stage. I am praying that the era of narcissistic leaders is coming to an end; it has reigned in politics and modern workplaces for far too long. We need a long era of leaders who are willing to serve their constituents (the whole USA when it comes to politics) and their employees when it comes to workplaces. I cannot see how the world will move in a better direction without such leaders to guide us. We must demand good behaviour of our leaders, and they must listen and act accordingly. And if they don’t, we must get rid of them until we find leaders who fit that bill. Anything else is to choose destruction of the values that most of us cherish.  

Cannot look at some people the same way again

I posted a quote last week about forgiving, understanding, but not being a fool. I've been thinking a lot about that lately in relation to people I know in the States who voted for Trump and who were aggressive about it. In your face, as I wrote about in my last post. I cannot forgive their blindness (deliberate or otherwise) and I cannot understand them. To do the latter would be to go against everything in my nature that screams for justice, goodness, ethical behavior, non-bullying behavior, and our Christian upbringing. Perhaps one day I will be able to pray for them, and for myself (for being unforgiving). I cannot now. 

None of these people are bullies by nature. Most are fairly nice and meek individuals who do not like conflict. Many have been through personal hells in their lives and survived them. Some call themselves good Christians. Nevertheless, they supported a man who gave them permission via his own behavior to be vile human beings if they so chose. Most did not, which makes it all the more perplexing that they supported Trump. Perhaps that is because they feel disempowered, such that when the bully comes along, they side with him because he makes them feel powerful; he speaks for them. If it's not that, then the reason is beyond my comprehension. The people Trump surrounds himself with (and has surrounded himself with) are vile human beings (think Steve Bannon). There has not been ONE peep out of the Trump supporters I know about what Steve Bannon said about beheading Anthony Fauci and Christopher Wray. Not one peep. Not one comment about how vile that is, how horrible it is that they talk like ISIS supporters. Not one person among them on my social media feed who stood up for decency, values, ethics, morality, Christianity. FoxNews.com did not even have it as a news story (I checked); they ignored it. Why? Did Christ talk this way? He did not. Does Biden talk this way? He does not. And by the way, I do not, did not, and never will support (liberal) Kathy Griffin's photo of Trump's decapitated head; her career tanked after that, as well it should have. Just so it's clear to the Trump cultists that I am NOT partisan. None of this is funny; it is vile and horrifying that we have descended so far into hell. It horrifies me and it has stressed me this past week in ways I cannot describe. This is what the USA has become--that roughly half the voting population supports a man like him.

How would the Trump supporters I am talking about, like it if I suddenly behaved like Trump with all of them? Told them where to go in no uncertain terms. Told them that they're fired from my life. Told them that they're idiots, losers, assholes, dumbasses, rednecks. Would they like it? No. Why? Because I don't behave that way, have never behaved that way, and will never behave that way toward people regardless of how close I am to them. They know me and would not expect me to behave that way. Do I get angry? You bet. Get into arguments with my husband and a few other people? At times, yes. But I do not set out to destroy the other person, no matter how angry I get at them. That is not my goal. Mostly I find that arguments stem from frustration--not being able to say what we need to say or not being given the platform to do so (being bullied/harangued/talked-over into submission). We argue with others because we are not listened to, because there is no dialog, no two-way street in conversation. 

One thing is clear to me--I will never look at some people the same way again. I cannot. I cannot unsee what they have posted, written, or stood for. I cannot press the 'reset' button, not right now. At present, some of them are posting memes talking about how there should be peace and no division in the country. About how we should all get along and be good to one another. That we should let bygones be bygones. That doesn't work for me. I'm sorry for being hard-hearted, but that's where I am at present. Mostly what I am is incredibly sad, for myself and for my country, that we let such a vile man rule our world 24/7 for nearly four years. To say it will be a relief to have him gone is understating what I feel. 

 

Reflections on revenge

A strange topic to reflect upon, you might think. But after reading Gullburet (The Golden Cage) by Camilla Läckberg (a Swedish crime novelist), I had to weigh in with some of my thoughts and feelings about it. The book itself is lightweight; I wouldn’t give it more than C+, so I won’t exactly recommend it as an interesting crime story. It’s more of an adolescent fantasy about a thirty-something woman who takes revenge on the husband who has wronged her. Her childhood included a violent father, an abused mother, and a brother who committed suicide. Of course the husband who has wronged  her is a standard archetypal role model for real bad boy sociopathic behaviour, including narcissism, physical and psychological abuse of others, betrayal, pathological lying, manipulation, sex addiction, rape, and paedophilia. The list is long. While he (and his cronies who are just like him) engage in all this bad behaviour, they run billion dollar companies, drink the best liquor and wines, eat at the best restaurants, and dress in designer clothes. They live in huge homes in Stockholm overlooking the water that are furnished with designer furniture, drive the most expensive cars money can buy, and have housekeepers and nannies to take care of the houses and children to whom they are mostly indifferent. It’s all for show, including the wives and children, who are also dressed in designer clothes and who must live up to a certain standard. Hence the title, The Golden Cage; women trapped in loveless marriages gilded with all the money they can think of. Why would anyone want to leave such a cage? But of course we know that such men use women and use them up, divorce them, and replace them with younger versions whom they will treat in much the same way as the ex-wives they have kicked to the curb, so there is no safety or stability in the gilded cage. I guess all this happens more frequently in the world of the rich. I for one could not identify with most of the main characters in the book, nor would I want to. I did not identify with the main character Faye whose husband betrays her and kicks her to the curb, because she is also a sociopath who is not averse to murdering others if that is what it takes to rid her path of obstacles on her way toward achievement of the goals she has set for herself. It’s a strange book, but it did put me on the path of reflection about what revenge is and how others deal with being wronged. Faye does get her revenge on her husband and destroys his life, but I had to wonder why she bothered. It all seemed a bit much to me. Moving on from him would have been enough, but then there wouldn’t have been a book to write.

Revenge is “the action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands” (Oxford online dictionary). I remember the expression ‘Revenge is a dish best eaten cold’. It implies a cool and calculating reaction to those who have treated you badly—that you should plan your revenge coldly and carefully. I can understand this approach, rather than screaming, ranting and raving toward the perpetrator who has victimized you. Hot anger is much less preferable to cold revenge. Hot anger shows the perpetrator that he or she has gotten to you, gotten under your skin, and that gives him or her power over you. Much better to play it cool and to plan revenge carefully, if that is your thing. In that way, you retain your power over yourself and the situation, and you keep the others around you guessing.

But what if revenge is not your thing? Most people who have been wronged don’t take revenge on those who have hurt them, not in big ways anyway. Most spouses who have experienced betrayal,  unfaithfulness, and/or abuse choose divorce (however messy) in order to be able to go on with their lives in a peaceful and stable way and to protect children if children are involved. Most people who have been wronged simply want to escape those who have wronged them, just want to get away from them and never see them again, or want to have as little as possible to do with them. They may achieve this, or they may not; their lives may continue to be difficult, but I’m betting that for most of them, just being free of those who have wronged them is worth gold.

Our Christian faith encourages us to forgive those who have sinned against us, who have wronged us. We are often told to ‘forgive and forget’. One of the things I reflected on today was that it is one thing to forgive a transgression against us; with time, the intensity of the hurt fades and we are able to go on with our lives. It is said that ‘time heals all wounds’, and that is mostly true. But it is not true that we forget those wounds, despite what the expression says. It is very difficult to forget the hurt done to one, even if we suppress it and go on about our daily lives. In any case, forgiveness is a choice, a decision, an active process, to pardon another person who has wronged us, even if that person has not asked for forgiveness, or perhaps, in spite of that fact. But we often cannot forget the wrong done us, even if we forgive it. The person who has wronged us knows this, knows that the wronged person will forever go around with the memory of who that person is and how they wronged them (a snapshot in time), despite the fact that the transgressor may have evolved or changed into a better person. In other words, true revenge, life’s revenge, is the reality that in the minds of many wronged people, the person who sinned against them will forever be ‘that bad person who hurt them’. That has got to sting. The person or persons who wronged them will not have a clean slate with those they have wronged; they will retain the identity of 'bad person', especially if there is no longer contact with them. The memories of the transgressions will always be there, under the surface. I know several betrayed women who forgave their husbands’ infidelities and consented to live further with them. But ask them if they managed to forget the bad behaviour, and the answer is no. They live with these men by setting aside the hurt and not talking about it as a couple. The men have apologized. But their wives no longer trust them as they once did. Thus these women have ended up with the power to forgive and to forget, but the inability to forget is a type of natural revenge that seals the fate of the transgressor. It locks the transgressors into an identity that they cannot shed, and they end up subjugated to the power of those they have wronged in a kind of penance. That type of power, if wielded correctly, is not necessarily a bad thing since it keeps people on their toes and on their good behaviour. But it does limit freedom. I sometimes wonder if it is possible to rebuild trust once it has been destroyed; I don't have any simple answers.

We are asked to be like Christ, who suffered humiliation, torture and finally death on a cross. He asked for forgiveness for those who wronged him. But it is hard to be like Christ. We can try, and we should try, but no one can force us to forgive another before we are ready. No one can tell us to forget the wrong done us before we are ready. We cannot forgive and forget overnight, and those who think we should do so are fools, or they are people who have never experienced the difficulty of being hurt and trying to forgive. Forgiveness is a process that can take many years; forgetting may or may not occur—it is impossible to predict. It is completely normal to wish that bad things would happen to bad people who have wronged us (this rarely happens and if it does, there is no superstition involved). It is completely normal to hope that ‘time wounds all heels’. It is completely normal to smile inwardly when we see a bad person get his or her comeuppance. My point is that this is usually enough 'revenge' for most wronged people; they don’t need to envision elaborate revenge fantasies and actualize those fantasies; they don't need to take down those who have wronged them. In some cases, the transgressors destroy themselves, in other cases, time and life take care of them, especially if they haven’t learned from their bad behaviour and continue on their destructive paths. Many bad people grow old and end up alone and lonely. I have watched the rise and fall of a few bad people, and it’s hard to feel sorry for them, especially knowing how they treated other people. But if they want forgiveness, they need to prove that they have changed and evolved; they need to earn the forgiveness of those they have wronged. They can start by truly apologizing, making amends, and changing their behaviour for good.That is the only way back.

Trolling as practiced by our president--who knew?

This video was suggested to me by one of my readers, and I'm grateful for the tip. It provided valuable insights about trolling, a behavior that I knew very little about. After watching this video, you'll see Trump in a new light. But it will also make you wonder exactly how we are to combat these types of techniques, because as long as he continues to rile us with his bullying and bizarre behavior on Twitter and the internet, he wins. But if we don't react to his bullying and bizarre behavior, what does that say about us as concerned and empathetic human beings? It's actually difficult to know what to do, and Trump knows that. We have to learn how to deal with him.

Why I bother to write about modern workplaces

I doubt that my workplace and my reactions to it will change much before I leave it behind for good. I wish I could just let it all go--the stupidity, rude behavior, narcissism, ego trips, lack of common sense--just put all of these things behind me. Just do it. Be the better person. Take the higher road. But if I do that all the time, what then? When is enough enough? When is it ok to stand up for yourself so that you don't get stepped on all the time by the 'system'? When do you need to stand up for yourself? When it means that if you don't, others, including yourself, get hurt? I see the word 'system' used so many times when people complain about things in their workplace. We employees are a part of the system, ergo, we must stand up and be counted, otherwise we are just stupid sheep who have no right to complain that things are not as they should be.

I so enjoy the intellectual aspects of my work; unfortunately the reality of my workplace is something other than enjoyable since it does its best to destroy that joy coupled to the accomplishment of real work. The bureaucracy does not understand that it exists to serve the employees, not the other way around. Additionally, everything boils down to money. Daily work life is an endless conversation about money to do research or to pay the salaries of hard-working people--the desperate hunt for it, the lack of it and the stress (bordering on desperation) of not having it, the envy of others who have it, the lack of 'smarts' about how to use it when one gets it--and so on ad nauseam. I never thought I'd say this, but I actually miss the 1990s because there was less emphasis on money, budgets and bureaucracy, and more on actually getting some good research done, whether or not you were a small research group or whether or not you had a lot of grant money. You did the best you could with what  you had, and you were no less a good researcher if you didn't manage to bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in funding. Now you're simply no good if you don't. It was understood in the 1990s that some few (as is always the case) would be the best (at getting grants and international acclaim), but there was room for the others--the next best. There was room for 'good enough'. Not anymore.

There are and always will be conflicts about who gets what, whose ranking is higher than others, who 'deserves' this or that, etc. But it's out of control now. I realize about myself that I really am not a person who is good at tackling conflicts. But sometimes it's necessary to take on the system when it is defined by conflicts, especially if they border on stupid. As I've gotten older, I see that I am simply not interested in being talked down to, treated like a child, controlled/measured/evaluated at all turns, treated rudely by arrogant people, etc. I don't treat others this way, so I don't want to be treated this way. Leaders have simply not learned how to treat their employees with respect. Each day that passes is a new exercise in being treated like a child. When I say this is in my workplace, my words fall on deaf ears. That is my workplace's way of dealing with things it doesn't want to hear. It ignores emails, direct confrontations, attempts at compromise, etc. When they want things their way, that's law, and employees must just accede.  

The contradictions are many:

1. You are asked why you don't take on responsibility for this or that task, but when you do, you are not given the authority to change anything, to spend any money, or to ask for help from others. You are not given control over the task you have assumed responsibility for. You are like a child told to wash the dishes. You are not to question any aspect of what you have been told to do. It's fine for a child, but not for an adult. 
2. Alternatively, you find out that the reason they asked you to do 1) was that the bureaucrats could 'check off' that point on their list. She said yes to doing this or that, great. It doesn't actually really matter that it's just responsibility on paper. In other words, they don't care whether you do a good job or not. 
3. You are forced to listen to the endless rhetoric about how 'we are going to be the best', when being the best entails allowing employees to function as adults in their workplace--letting competent employees decide the best way to do this or that, especially if they have the expertise and you as a leader do not. Leave competent people alone to do their jobs. But the bureaucrats/leaders don't understand this or don't want to in 2017.
4. Leaders in our research system say that everyone can be 'the best', but what they don't acknowledge is that if everyone becomes the best, then no one is best anymore. It is circular stupid logic.

You may wonder why I bother writing about this at all anymore. For those of you who have read this blog from its start, you know that I am quite critical of modern workplaces that let themselves be run by bureaucrats (most of the public sector workplaces) who enjoy incorporating the trendy business philosophies of the moment into their workplaces. It doesn't matter that they don't fit there (think LEAN in a research environment. We are not a factory). My public sector workplace has spent a decade or more trying to perfect New Public Management, and now they've moved on to LEAN. Why, we'll never know. Private sector workplaces do not permit this idiocy. I don't know if they are any better in the long run. But I prefer to think and hope that they are. 

A deplorable case--professor sentenced to ten months in prison for spousal abuse

Anytime you might think that academia is peopled by individuals of high moral caliber and ethics, think again. Like all other professions, it has its share of undesirable and seedy individuals. Unfortunately, the average person has a tendency to associate higher education with a certain amount of nobility and with people who behave in a moral and ethical manner. It simply is not the case and I can attest to this. I have seen a lot in my long career, but this recent story takes the cake. I'm sure there have been similar types of cases at the university, but they have never gotten this far, probably because the women involved did not pursue them all the way to a court case, as is often the case with spousal abuse.
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Aftenposten  Published 21.11.2016, at. 9:40 p.m. NTB
A professor at the University of Oslo has been sentenced to ten months in prison for having abused his wife over an eighteen-month period.
Oslo District Court found the man in his early 50s guilty of having beaten his wife in the head with a wooden hammer, of placing a chisel in her mouth and of having tried to strangle her.
The Court emphasized that the abuse lasted from March 2013 until October the following year.
Furthermore, it emphasized the significant potential harm of the actions and the woman's experience of psychological terror and fear that her husband would end up killing her.
The matter was first reported to the police in October 2014, while the indictment came two years later. The court took this time delay into consideration and noted that the normal punishment without this reduction would have been one year. Three days spent in custody were deducted from the punishment.
The professor is also convicted of having obstructed the justice system. According to the verdict, he sent an e-mail to his wife in which he threatened her if their situation should come to trial and conviction.
The court did not attach much importance to the defendant's admission of partial guilt concerning some abusive episodes because he denied that they were violent. The court did not otherwise find any extenuating circumstances.
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Reaping what you sow

When we were children, we were taught that we could not expect much justice or reward in this life if we counted ourselves among the good people who followed the rules and behaved well, rather that we would find praise and reward for being good in the next world, after we were dead. This was provided you believed in an afterlife, which was a given on the part of the religious instructors we had as children in Catholic grammar school. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve wondered about a lot of things, and this is one of them. I’ve never really liked the philosophy that good people have to suffer at the hands of bad people, or that they have to accept that suffering without standing up for themselves or fighting back. And I loathe the idea that bad people get to do what they want at the expense of good people, without ever having to account for their behavior or without getting caught or stopped. What do I mean by bad people? Psychopaths, sociopaths, true narcissists, the holier-than-thous, those who believe the rules don’t apply to them because they are too smart, too good-looking, or too rich. Those who mess with others’ heads to achieve their own egotistical aims, those who miss no opportunity to badmouth those around them, those who aggressively cross others’ personal boundaries over which they have no business going, those who actively seek to destroy their co-workers in the quest to get to the top. How do you do the latter? By doing the first three things.  Why do I bring this up today? Because I have been witness to a few comeuppances recently, and I must say that I am glad I didn’t have to wait until I was dead to experience them. And because I have experienced a small amount of joy in watching these people get their just deserts, my conscience has bothered me. But these people have reaped trouble--lost top leadership positions, experienced being badmouthed and attacked themselves, got told to back off or get out of people’s lives--because they sowed trouble.  They deserved what they got, and the reason I felt glad about any of it was because it happened in this life and not the next. The people around them are now spared their nasty slimy behavior.  

I believe that good people should stand up for themselves and should fight back, insofar as that is humanly possible. I’m not sure what Christ really meant by turning the other cheek, but I don’t think he meant that good people should let themselves be attacked and/or killed, or that they shouldn’t try to dissuade bad people from behaving badly. I think he meant that they should set an example—good behavior—not that they should let the nasty people ride roughshod over them. Good people have the right to defend themselves if they are physically, verbally or psychologically attacked. I include spiritually as well, because some people cross all sorts of boundaries in their dealings with you, and expect you to simply accept their transgressions because that is who they are. But if good people are exposed to enough bad, unethical, nasty, slimy, evil behavior, they risk being contaminated themselves, if they never fight back. They risk being inundated by so much crap that they slip under the surface of slime. They risk becoming like those who are not worth emulating. Sometimes, they even end up ‘casting their pearls before swine’, a very favorite expression of mine. They throw away their values in order to live among the bad people. It can happen gradually, one pearl at a time, and suddenly, they’ve given their souls away, to be trampled upon. It’s worth thinking about. 

Workplace bullying

You might think that workplace bullying is on the decrease, but it’s not. I witness it, if not daily, at least weekly, in one form or another, as do others I know. Wikipedia’s presentation of workplace bullying (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Workplace_bullying) lists categories of specific behaviors that describe this phenomenon quite well:

• Threat to professional status – including belittling opinions, public professional humiliation, accusations regarding lack of effort, intimidating use of discipline or competence procedures
• Threat to personal standing – including undermining personal integrity, destructive innuendo and sarcasm, making inappropriate jokes about target, persistent teasing, name calling, insults, intimidation
• Isolation – including preventing access to opportunities, physical or social isolation, withholding necessary information, keeping the target out of the loop, ignoring or excluding
• Overwork – including undue pressure, impossible deadlines, unnecessary disruptions
• Destabilisation – including failure to acknowledge good work, allocation of meaningless tasks, removal of responsibility, repeated reminders of blunders, setting target up to fail, shifting goal posts without telling the target  

The behaviors I have been witness to mostly fall under the categories—Threat to personal standing and Isolation. I’m interested in discussing Threat to personal standing in this post today. The bullies use humor, sarcasm, and inappropriate jokes to belittle employees, mostly during meetings where other professionals are present. The intent is to diminish the personal and professional standing of the target in the eyes of those who are present at the meeting; there is absolutely no doubt about that. They may do this in a way that gets the people who are present at the meeting to laugh at the expense of the target, but it leaves a bad taste in their mouths afterward. Why is that? Because those who were present and who witnessed this bad behavior know that they have been privy to a power play—bully denigrating target. The target, usually an employee who works for the bully, is often clueless and cannot defend himself or herself. And even if the target is not clueless, he or she is reluctant to fight back in a meeting setting, mostly because these types of people are often civilized and professional, in contrast to the bully. But fighting back and causing a scene would probably be the best thing for all involved. In this way the bully would be exposed for the creep he or she really is, and the target at least is able to verbalize that he or she has been abused. The target risks of course being told that he or she is ‘too sensitive, takes things too personally, to get over it, suck it up’ and so on. But that is when he or she must stand strong and not buckle under the pressure applied by the bully to admit that the bully may be right. Because the bully is not right. The bully must not be allowed to create confusion in the minds of the target or the others present at a meeting.

What the targets have to understand is that they are true threats to the bully. The bullies envy them. They have something that the bully does not have and will never have—a professional approach to their work and a decency and civilized comportment that is sorely lacking in the bullies. Most bullies are stupid and crude people; I mean that quite seriously. Their crudeness may not be overtly manifest, but it’s there. They don’t like most people either because they are certain that they are better than most other people. They have ridden on the coattails of their (often smarter) employees for years, basking in the success that belongs (or should belong) to these other more competent individuals. They are often unhappy people in their personal lives; and we all know the old saying—that misery loves company. But these bullies take it one step further; they want to destroy the mental well-being of the people they envy. Their behavior should be blocked in a workplace setting; unfortunately that is often not the case. They are free to proceed with their belittling behavior because they sit in positions of power, or simply because they are obnoxious and difficult people who dominate the environments they find themselves in, where their peers (those of equal status and equal power level) merely smile in a bemused way at their behavior. In this way, they are free to continue to behave badly as long as no one stands up to them and says ‘stop’. More people should overcome their civilized natures and stand up to bullies. It won’t lead to politically correct meetings, nor should it. That’s the point. We need to abolish political correctness where it protects the bullies at the expense of their targets.  

Living on crumbs

It occurred to me this past week that perhaps abusive workplaces damage employees in more ways than we care to admit. After several recent conversations with colleagues and friends, I can only conclude that this seems to be the case. The type of abusive workplace I am talking about has little to do with physical abuse, although I know that occurs in some workplaces. The most common type of abuse is psychological and emotional, and I firmly believe that years of this type of abuse will damage the recipients, much as a psychologically abusive personal relationship does. And the damage may not be reversible. That is the frightening part. We don’t like to talk about this, but just because we don’t talk about it doesn’t mean the problem doesn’t exist. The recipients of the abuse may carry their feelings of fear, shame, guilt and loss of self-esteem home with them, and take it out on the people with whom they live. Or if they live alone, they may take it out on themselves by living in unhealthy ways. Whatever the situation, the abuse leaves deep scars, and the employees who have experienced this type of abuse may not be able to leave their work situations, in the same way as an abused spouse may be unable to leave his or her situation. There may be no energy left to do so, or to fight back, or to deal with the situation.

What type of abuse am I talking about? Bullying, derision, grandstanding always at the expense of others, total disregard for the feelings of others, lack of emotional intelligence, verbal aggression, cursing, domination of meetings or conversations by the same people who flatten anyone who tries to get a word in, freezing out specific employees, being negative to what specific employees suggest no matter what the situation, deriding ideas during brainstorming meetings, making employees feel like crap, embarrassing or harassing them publicly (telling employees, ‘if you don’t like it, leave’ or telling employees that they’re lazy or mediocre in a public meeting). The list is endless. Have I seen such behavior in workplaces? Yes I have. What does an abusive workplace do to its employees? What are the scars it leaves on them? I would suggest that it creates a pattern of hope and disappointment that becomes cyclical. In the hope cycle, employees experience a feeling of being uplifted, perhaps because a boss has acknowledged their work for once. I call the experience being ‘grateful for crumbs’. In this case, the crumbs can be, for example, a very infrequent acknowledgment of employees’ work (or existence) in an environment that otherwise criticizes or ignores its employees. In the disappointment cycle, employees feel that their situation is hopeless and that there is little possibility of change. And then comes the hope cycle that brings with it that feeling that change is possible. This is very similar to an abusive relationship—between spouses, or between children and parents, between siblings, and so on.

You can imagine how children would develop in a home environment where parents were critical of and negative about most things they did, and only occasionally ‘threw a dog a bone’. That’s living on crumbs. Or parents who ignore their children, except to ‘show them off’ to others when it’s time to be politically correct. Children are highly sensitive to parental behavior, and they will work overtime to try to ‘read’ their parents. The appreciation of ‘crumbs’ becomes learned behavior after a while, but the recipients of abusive behavior are so focused on trying to ‘please’, that growth in other areas becomes stifled or stunted. They never completely learn self confidence, they become afraid of authority, or they became afraid to voice their opinions or ideas for fear of being derided, yelled at, or embarrassed publicly. The scars persist well into adulthood. The mistake we make as a society is to think that adults can tackle everything that is thrown at them, just because they are adults. The assumption is automatically that they have to tackle everything. What happens when or if they cannot? I’ve seen one example of that recently—someone who hit the wall big-time. There are bullies in the workplace, just as there were on the school playground. When the bullies get control of the workplace, the employees who get beaten up are often the ones who may not have had a lot of self confidence to begin with. Or they may be the ones who are living on crumbs in personal situations as well. Or they may have self confidence, but were raised to not question authority, to not stick their heads up. So if they are unfairly treated, there is no real recourse for them. They are not the ones likely to go over the boss’ head to complain to the higher-ups.

I have been told sometimes that I bring up problems but that I don’t discuss the solutions for them. That may be the case at times, but it may be the case simply because I don’t know what the solutions are. What do you do if you are an older man, for example, whose workplace bullies him, whose wife is sick, whose children depend on him, who knows that his chances of finding another job are next to null at his age? What then? What do you tell that person? Go find another job? Think positive and it will all work out? Blame him for his situation? And even if he is partly to blame, because he has let himself be satisfied with crumbs for many years, how does it help him if society blames him for his entire situation? We like to think that this is not a common situation; the fact is, in my father’s generation, this was a quite common scenario, at least where I grew up. It’s so easy to judge others, and in the end, ourselves. We are often as hard on ourselves as we are on others. The key word is hard. Maybe things would change if more people practiced being softer. Kindness is so underrated. We need more of it in society, in workplaces and in homes. Perhaps the next time a boss is abusive, we need to remind him or her of the value of being kind. That’s at least one solution I can suggest; I have no idea if it will work.  

How NOT to win friends and influence people, part 2

I got to thinking about the different behaviors I experience in the space of a day, and about the effects they have on me. I am the recipient of both good and bad behavior. What I know for sure is that bad behavior—mean, sarcastic, insulting, passive-aggressive, psychologically-abusive behavior---has the following effect on me. I seek out specific parts of my brain and heart that will allow me to ignore the person(s) in question. That will allow me to look at them while they are behaving badly and ‘be’ another place in my head and heart—a peaceful, calm, relaxing, spiritual place. One that is far away from the person(s) in question. It works. You just have to know how to go into yourself to find it. And I promise you that it creates exactly the effect you’re hoping for—the person(s) behaving badly get annoyed and go away. It is so important to keep your cool when such person(s) go on the attack. If they cannot reach you, cannot knock you off your center, they go looking for other potential victims to dump on. And that is what they want to do—dump on you, no doubts about that. They are so unhappy inside that they want to share their misery with others. The old saying, ‘misery loves company’, is still alive and well in 2012. It takes many forms, but anyone who has experienced a ‘dumper’ knows exactly what I’m talking about.

But think about what bad behavior creates in a society made up of individuals, some of whom respond to bad behavior like I do. Enough of it, and you end up with people who turn away from leaders, politicians, authority figures—who decide for themselves how they’re going to respond, how they’re going to live each day, what they’re going to let in and what they’re going to shut out. They also decide who they’re going to listen to and who deserves their loyalty.  In other words, they cannot be easily controlled or brainwashed. So in one sense, you could argue that bad behavior creates independent individuals in some cases, at least in the cases of those individuals who have the societal freedom to respond as they wish. I don’t know what it would be like to live in a totalitarian regime, where any untoward response could be met with punishment and/or prison. I can only speculate about what could happen in a free society, like the one I live in. It still surprises me that intelligent people in leadership positions behave badly, that they dump on others (out of insecurity or their own misery?), that they blame others for their shortcomings, and that they cannot offer praise or a gentle spirit instead of criticism and a harassing nature. It’s nice to know that I can remove myself from their misery-loaded situations, instead of responding as they wish, which is to enmesh myself in their soap opera dramas.