Why am I bringing this up today? Because I recently read Gabor Maté's book When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. His book is a good presentation of what happens to the body when its owner becomes overwhelmed by stress. I started reading the book as a skeptic but finished it with an (albeit grudging) acceptance of the premise. I didn't want to read yet another book that told me that illness is of our own making. That if we only think positive, that we'll never get sick. That's bullshit. Genetics play a big role in the illnesses that we suffer from; I know that from my own family, where cardiovascular disease occurs frequently from generation to generation. My father and brother died of heart disease; my aunt and uncle on my father's side and many relatives on my mother's side did also. So just so it's clear where I stand. Cancer and heart disease are not your fault. That's often how sick people are made to feel. Maté does suggest that there is an association between what you do/how you think and feel and the development of different illnesses. What he observes as a doctor and researcher is that many of his patients with cancer and neurological diseases are good, caring, giving people. Many of them are women, some are men. What is common to all of them is that they cannot say no to anyone, but especially to loved ones and family members. They take on a lot of stress in the form of caregiving and serving others, putting themselves last (neglecting their own wishes, dreams and health), and giving of themselves until there is nothing left to give. They have a lot of repressed anger and they are the types that won't say no because they will feel guilty. But as Maté says, better to live with the guilt than with the resentment that stems from repressed anger at never standing up for yourself or what you want and need. He doesn't blame his patients for their illnesses, rather, he explores their mindset with them, trying to get them to see how their life situations/emotional responses are impacting their health. Our bodies can only take so much until they say stop--enough--we're exhausted, tired, worn out, used-up and if you don't wake up, we won't be able to sustain you. Chronic stress can kill you, as a lot of research can attest to. The link between chronic stress and illness is an ongoing topic of research, as is the role of epigenetics.
When I was younger and experiencing difficult relationship situations, I thought about the role of chronic stress and resultant illness. I 'knew' somehow that living in situations that caused me chronic stress would wear me down and wear me out and make me ill. I am not a passive person by nature, I am instead proactive, so I want to prevent the negative impact on myself of such situations. Prior to my divorce when I was in my twenties, I remember thinking that if I continued to live in such an unhealthy relationship, that I would be severely sick by middle age (forties/fifties). Luckily that did not become the case. Our environment contributes to the epigenetic influences (behavioral and environmental factors) that end up turning specific genes on and off without altering the underlying DNA sequence. This basically means that having to deal with chronic stress situations can result in the turning on or off of specific genes that deal with inflammation and immune response, for example. Perhaps those genes are protective against the negative impacts of chronic stress, but over time, the protective response can go awry. Too much of a good thing? There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to this field of study.
Last year at this time I was dealing with a defective cardiac mitral valve that resulted in open-heart surgery to repair the valve. The operation was successful and here I am, a year later, back on my feet and in reasonably good form. I was born with a benign heart murmur as were several people I know; when we were children such things were registered/graded but there was little to do about them since they were classified as benign and harmless. I imagine that there is some hereditary component to the actual defect underlying the murmur, but the murmur itself is not inherited. But do I think that life's stresses can contribute to the worsening of the defective valve? I do. I think the chronic stress during the last ten to fifteen years of my career, a career that I loved deeply, contributed to the high blood pressure that perhaps impacted the functioning of the valve. I'm guessing at this point, but the chronic stress I experienced due to poor and harassing leadership, and the subsequent 'divorce' from my job (learning to let go of it while remaining in my position, and grieving the loss of something I loved) over a long period, contributed to the heart problems I had, in combination with the hereditary aspects of familial cardiovascular disease. If I had not experienced harassment (emotional trauma), would I have had the mitral valve problems I had last year? Did my job 'break' my heart? It's hard to say. But now that I no longer work, I realize that the stress associated with my former job was insidious. I gave my all to that job and then some. I realize now that I could have cut my dedication by fifty percent and the result would have been the same. My work was not appreciated and that wears a person down, especially a person who defines himself or herself as a loyal, intelligent and dedicated employee. Knowing that it didn't matter whether you were there or not does not contribute to overall good health. I should have learned to say no when the leadership problems first started. I should have stood up more for myself. It took me some years to learn to do that, to fight back and to say what I meant. Not that it mattered. But at least I did learn, although the stress had already done its damage.
People say that you have to die of something, whether cancer or heart disease or neurological disorders. I don't know. I think about family members and friends who passed way too soon (when they were in their fifties, sixties, early seventies). Without exception, all of them were good people, stuck in overwhelmingly stressful situations. Some of them could not say no because had they done so, their families would have fallen apart. So they stayed in jobs they hated, they stayed in unhealthy marriages or unhealthy family situations, ignoring their own health needs and ignoring the signals their bodies were giving them about overdoing things. There are no do-overs in this life. At some point, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and say--today is the day I prioritize myself. Even if it's just one day a week. Shut the door, listen to music, go for a walk, tune out the world, tune out your job, don't respond to work emails 24/7, tune out demanding family members. Just tune out. Give yourself the gift of that one day. I don't know if it will make a huge difference health-wise, but it's worth a shot.
