I've had half of June and will have all of July free, and I've had time to reflect on many things. One of the biggest changes in my life is coming up soon, at the end of August to be precise. As of September 1st, I will no longer be a full-time employee, anywhere. I'll be retired. I'm already used to not working since I've had so much vacation and I like it very much. I like having the free time, the time to plan my days the way I want, the time to do absolutely nothing if nothing beckons me. I am trying to learn how to relax again; it's not easy after many years of having my daily life lived according to a work schedule that was often quite intense. I realize that I've forgotten how to relax. I used to be good at it when I was in my teens and twenties. No more. I must relearn some basic things, like how to sit still and just do nothing for an hour or two. Or not have to be anywhere at a specific time. I don't have to show up anywhere. It feels wonderful.
The biggest change is what has happened to my mind and soul since I made the decision a year ago to retire now. I have developed a distinct distaste (almost an anathema) for anything that smacks of competition. I don't want to be the 'best at' or 'worst at' anything. I just want to be. I want to write without having to compete, garden without having to compete, ride a bike without having to compete. If other people think I do a good job at all those things, fine. It doesn't really matter what other people think anymore. Not the way it did when I worked. You cannot be in a workplace without considering the ideas, comments, and plans of others--for you and for themselves. But now, I don't want to have any five-year plans for what I plan to write or for what the garden will look like in the future or for personal training programs. I want to be left to my own thoughts and feelings about things; no trends, no musts, no 'you should try harder', no shoulds at all. I know the work world is not modeled on a no-competition philosophy; I am fully aware of that. But I no longer have to deal with the work world. After a long career in academia, where competition is what has driven and drives most research scientists, I realize that my soul is tired. Tired of competition, tired of the futility of competing, tired of so many injustices, tired of lies, tired of newspeak and fake news, tired of the fake positivity lectures (if you think positive, you'll win). Competition no longer appeals to me, pure and simple. I know it's part of life, and that it's of course necessary at some stages in life in order to get a job, to get ahead at work, and to find a potential mate, but at this point in my life it seems counterproductive. As in, what's the point? Why should I compete, for what reason? What is the goal now? I don't want any more 'goals'. I've had enough of them dangling in front of my eyes for most of my life, starting with school, then university, then the workplace. I want a goal-free existence from now on, and if there are any few goals to live up to, they'll be the ones I set for myself, not ones that society sets for me. I will give myself ample time to reach them, and if I don't reach them, that's ok too. I see retirement as a letting-go of the way many things were done before, a letting-go of a certain mindset that worked for me when I was younger. Letting-go of that mindset appeals to me. I don't want retirement to be a competition with other retirees, talking about who is traveling where, who is taking this or that course, who is working part-time/whose company cannot live without their expertise. I will avoid those types of retirees if I can and opt for an afternoon of peace in my garden, alone, but not lonely.
