If you can't say something nice

My mother used to tell us children 'if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all'. It wasn't her expression, it's apparently an Aesop quote that found its way into the general vernacular many years ago. But it's as relevant now as it was all those years ago in ancient Greece. I was reminded of this quote when I heard about Chris Rock's diss of Jada Pinkett Smith's appearance at the recent Oscar's celebration. Neither she nor her husband Will Smith (who reacted badly) need my defense and this post is not about them or what happened. It is about what one has the right to say and not to say publicly. My take on it is this. You do not have the right as a comedian to joke about anyone else's appearance, be they women or men. You do not comment on their height, weight, attractiveness, baldness, facial characteristics, way of speaking, etc. You just do not do this. We learned this as children and we learned it early on. We did not do this at home, in school, or when out in public. If some few children did this, they were punished. As we got older (pre-teenagers) it suddenly became alright in different peer groups to comment on people's looks or intelligence and to sometimes mob them for it. It's hard to stop that in schools as we all know, even though it causes a lot of pain for the victims of such abuse. It comes down to how you were raised; if you were raised by parents who had empathy for others, you learned empathy at home. You understood that this person was poor or elderly, in difficult life circumstances, another sick, another a widow or widower, another the victim of spousal abuse, and so forth. As a child, you learned to have compassion for others. This was how we were raised, and how my closest and dearest friends were raised. Sarcasm was not often employed in the way we communicated with each other. We could criticize the behavior of others, yes, but we did not resort to calling others ugly, stupid, fat ass, or any other derogatory comments that are often bandied about in today's world. 

If you as a comedian want to comment or be self-deprecating about your own height, weight, attractiveness, baldness, facial characteristics, way of speaking, etc, feel free. We can choose to listen to you and laugh (or not). The point is that we can choose. Many male and female comedians made the rounds on the television circuit doing just that--Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, and Phyllis Diller come to mind. Were they funny? Sometimes. But one could get tired of it. They joked about their wives and husbands too, but it was clear that they had the permission to do so. It wasn't just sprung on an unsuspecting audience. 

It is the same in our personal lives. Many people find it very uncomfortable to sit in the presence of couples whose only form of communication is to belittle their significant other via so-called humor. It's not humor, it's passive-aggressive behavior and it's unkind. It's hurtful. In some cases it's abusive. It's also extremely dishonest. If you cannot be honest with your partner about something that is bothering you, then that is your problem. And rest assured it is a problem. Having dealt with a passive-aggressive workplace for many years, I can attest to how destructive such behavior actually is; bosses who 'joked' at the expense of their employees, who were unkind via their so-called humor. None of it was funny. In group situations it was mortifying, since some bosses had their particular favorites whom they enjoyed hacking at. Those of us who defended the recipients of such behavior against the bosses also came in for our share of harassment. I have few good memories of most of the leaders I encountered in my former workplace. Most were men, some few were women; women could often be as unkind as the men were, just so that's clear. 

There are kind ways to criticize others, there are kind ways to instruct others. None of them involve publicly disparaging people or publicly making fun of them. The few times I had to criticize one or two employees who worked for me, I called them into my office for a private chat. No one else knew about what I wanted to say. The discussion was between me and the other person. I could say that I didn't like their behavior or attitude toward others in the research group; I could encourage them to alter the way they behaved. If they didn't do that, the consequence was that we ended our professional association. I was not unkind, just firm. They understood that and also understood that I was not out to get them. And in both cases they altered their behavior for the better. 

We come back to the idea of being nice. It does not mean being weak. It does not mean that others have the right to walk all over nice people. Nice is not the same as 'woke', although if we've come to the point in society where wokeness is the only thing that forces people to examine their unkind and unjust behavior, then it serves a purpose. I believe that one should 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. That's the Golden Rule and I think society should remember it. And those who think they're cool by being mean, try keeping your mouths shut. 'Silence is golden'.