The scowlers

I could have entitled this post The Scowls. The furious looks. The dissatisfied men. Two angry men--Donald Trump and Tucker Carlson. Because they are angry. But why are they angry? What do they have to be angry about? They are two very wealthy men. They are privileged. They live in a rareified atmosphere that few will ever experience. They don't have to get their hands dirty. They can do what they want when they want. Tucker Carlson once worked for Fox News until he cost them more than they could reasonably defend. Ah yes, Donald Trump--well, what is there to say? He speaks for the common man, Donald Trump does. He knows what it's like to walk into a grocery store and pay through the nose for food. He knows what it's like to struggle to pay a mortgage. He knows what it's like to be a common everyday man or woman. 

I am simultaneously fascinated and repelled by their public displays of anger. Who are these men fooling? Certainly not me. When I look at these photos, I have to laugh. Can you imagine having to live with them? Wake up with them each day, looking at their sour pusses? Dealing with their feigned anger? Heaven forbid. And yet, people are drawn in by their theatrics. They believe their empty promises and lies. 

These two men come to mind whenever I need good examples of grumpy old men and scowlers. They've perfected the art of scowling. I'm not sure if Trump's scowling will net him a second term. Carlson has more to scowl about after his embarrassing interview with Putin and his debacle at Fox. But why doesn't their wealth make them smile? Since they're all about the money, I would have thought their money would have made them happy, much like Scrooge and Scrooge McDuck. 

Perpetually-angry people bring to mind the Aesop fable The Boy Who Cried Wolf. The shepherd boy kept 'crying wolf' (lying) about a wolf attacking his sheep, and the townspeople always rushed to help him.  But when he cried wolf once too often, they got tired of his false alarms. One day a wolf really did show up to attack and devour the sheep and the townspeople ignored his cries for help. Perpetually-angry people should realize that their constant yelling will make others lose interest and sympathy. Maybe some people like listening to the same manic complaining every day, but most of us don't. We learn to ignore them and their anger. As a friend of mine used to say to her husband (now ex-husband) when he yelled at her for trivial reasons--'I don't hear you any better when you yell'. I feel the same way. If you raise your voice to me, I quietly consider my options. I can tune you out while you're yelling; I'm a master at it from my schooldays. Or I can leave the room. I simply don't want to hear what you have to say. And that includes angry politicians and tv personalities and their nonsense. 

The lies we tell others and ourselves

I am currently watching The Lying Life of Adults series on Netflix, based on the book of the same name by Elena Ferrante. I read the book in 2021 and wrote a post about it (A New Yorker in Oslo: Elena Ferrante's The Lying Life of Adults (paulamdeangelis.blogspot.com). The Netflix series encompasses six episodes, and I've already seen four of them. Elena Ferrante has been involved in the writing of the script for the series, and you can always tell when she has had her hand in things. There is a certain identifying mark that raises the overall quality to very good (this series: The Lying Life of Adults (TV Series 2023– ) - IMDb) to superb (My Brilliant Friend on HBO: My Brilliant Friend (TV Series 2018– ) - IMDb ). The series was created by Edoardo De Angelis (every time I see his last name on the screen I have to smile since it is my last name as well, spelled the same way). His wife Pina Turco plays Nella, whose husband Andrea leaves her for Costanza, a family friend. But by extension, he leaves his teenage daughter Giovanna as well. The series is about Giovanna (very well-acted by Giordana Marengo) and her growing up amidst the turmoil around her: her parents' separation and divorce; her father's eventual remarriage to Costanza and his new home in Posillipo (an affluent area of Naples) on the Gulf of Naples; Giovanna's introduction to her aunt Vittoria (wonderfully-acted by Valeria Golino) and to the family of Enzo, Vittoria's now-deceased lover; her relationships with her two best friends, Angela and Ida, who just happen to be Costanza's daughters. But it is her relationship with Vittoria (Andrea's sister whom he cannot abide) that changes her life and moves her firmly into adulthood. 

Andrea, Nella, Costanza, Mariano (Costanza's ex-husband), and Vittoria all lie to others and to themselves. Andrea and Costanza have lived a lie for years by having an affair and keeping it secret. Nella has either refused to see the truth or has turned a blind eye to it; in any case, she continues to defend Andrea and to call him a good man. Vittoria initially seems to be the most honest of all the adults in Giovanna's life, but she too turns out to be a liar who tells herself and others (particularly Giovanna) that she loved only Enzo and has never been with another man since he died, but this is not true. Giovanna learns that she cannot trust very many people, which of course is the demarcation between childhood and adulthood. What do you do with that knowledge? What do you do when you find out that the adults in your life are no better at handling/navigating their lives than the teenagers they are trying to raise? What do you do when you find out that their lives are as miserable and chaotic as yours? 

The lies we tell others and ourselves, when others ask us how we are, how our lives are going. How many people really answer honestly? We do so with those few people we love and trust, with our closest friends. We know we can trust them to listen to us without judging us, without abandoning us. That is a rarity in a world that seeks to judge (and cancel) another immediately without knowing or being interested in the facts. Of course we can ask, what is the truth? Is your side of a story truer than mine? We all lie to ourselves to some extent; we do so in order to deal with each day. We tell ourselves that our spouses and children are better than those of others we know, but the reality is otherwise. All families have problems, perhaps the same types of problems but to varying degrees. All families have squabbles, some have real fights, and some are on the outs with other family members for entire lifetimes. We may not have much of a relationship with a sibling, but we say that he or she has a busy life and we talk to them when we can. A spouse may not be all that involved in the family life at home, and we make the same excuse--he or she has a demanding job that keeps him or her busy. Those who are workaholics know that they are overworking to avoid something else in their lives, perhaps an unhappy home life, and those who are diehard alcoholics, drug addicts and overeaters tell themselves that they have their addictions under control, that they can quit drinking, doing drugs, or overeating any time they want. But deep down inside, they know the truth; they can't quit overworking, drinking to excess, doing drugs, or overeating, not without help and a lot of motivation to change. Lying to ourselves, even just a little, helps to mitigate the intensity of our problems. And for most of us, it does; we get through each day without major calamities ensuing. But for those with serious problems, those problems just get worse. 

It might not be a good thing if we were always honest about our thoughts and feelings in relation to others. Little white lies help us survive in what could be awkward situations with loved ones. We do our best to be truthful, but sometimes you have to weigh the situation and ask yourself if others (or you yourself) can tolerate hearing the truth or the answers to the questions they've asked. I think of those I know with health problems; is it better for them to hear that their overall prognosis could be good if they do this or that, rather than dismal because of the type of illness they have or because of one's hereditary tendencies? Nobody wants to be told straight out that they are going to die in a few months or years. And if people are told that, they often want to consider themselves the outliers--those few who fall outside the norm. Can you blame people for thinking this way? I think we are hotwired to think this way to some degree, due to the idea of self-preservation and the instinct for survival. We lie to ourselves in the hope that it will turn out alright. And sometimes it does. 

Deception and the end justifies the means

Last night I watched the Netflix film The Woman in the Window with Amy Adams as a pill-popping, wine-drinking agoraphobic female psychologist who lives alone in a big house in Manhattan, except for a tenant who rents the basement apartment from her. The story revolves around her trying to get the police, her tenant, and a few others to believe that she has witnessed a murder in the apartment building across the way from hers. It's based on the book of the same name by A.J. Finn (pseudonym for Daniel Mallory). I haven't read the book, so I cannot comment on whether the film remained completely true to the book, or whether the film is better than the book, or vice versa. 

As I usually do once I finish a book or a movie (or both), I googled them to read more about them and the author. One thing led to another, and I came upon an excellent article in The New Yorker (A Suspense Novelist’s Trail of Deceptions | The New Yorker) about the author (book editor turned novelist) and his climb to the top of the publishing world. His debut novel, which was published in 2018, is The Woman in the Window, and it made him a millionaire. So far, so good, I thought. Kudos to those debut novelists whose books become best-sellers. It's the hope and dream of most novelists, however, most of them never realize the dream. Very few novelists write best-sellers. That's a statistical fact. 

But as I read further, I realized that for this author, the end justified the means. He used every means possible to get to the top, to become famous, to become a best-selling author. He essentially lied his way to the top and used the people he needed to use to get there. He lied about being sick, about family members being sick/dead, about his education/degrees, and his work experience. He made himself out to be much more important than he was. Some of you may be shrugging your shoulders saying, so what, many people do that. If you read the article, you'll realize that most people don't do what he did, and if they did, we'd be living in a very difficult world where you wouldn't be able to trust anyone, essentially. I don't know why he did what he did, or if he even understands that what he did hurt people, but if he does, he knows that what he did was morally questionable and wrong. When confronted, he ended up blaming some of his behavior on being bipolar. I don't know enough about bipolar disorder to comment on it one way or another, so I leave that to the experts. I do know something about narcissistic personality disorder, and this type of behavior is not uncommon in those who have that disorder. So I don't know. What I do know is that it struck me while reading the article how little the publishing world polices or punishes their own. And when their mistakes catch up with them, they go the 'no comment' route in order to avoid the bad publicity and embarrassment. 

It also struck me that the publishing world rewards their own. Editors know other editors and suggest books for perusal and publication. They take care of their own. It's who you know that moves you ahead. A.J. Finn the editor turned novelist may have gotten ahead just fine without all the lying; there were plenty of people willing to move mountains for him. The publishing world is another elitist profession that protects its elitism by keeping the common people--average ordinary authors--at bay. Traditional publishers do not accept manuscripts directly from authors; most go through literary agents who wield a lot of power in terms of acceptance/rejection of manuscripts. They work together with publishers to keep out the 'riff-raff'. It is strange to realize that most authors will never enjoy what A.J. Finn enjoyed--editors willing to promote his book. Most authors who behave honestly and who follow the traditional rules of publishing will never see their book published by a traditional publisher. 

This is why I am all for the rise of independent publishers and self-publishing, at the expense of traditional publishers. Yes, the market is now flooded with sub-optimal books by first-time self-published authors who think they are great authors, but eventually they find out that they are not, because no matter what they do, their books don't sell. It's hard to be a little fish in a huge ocean. Absolutely no one will notice you. And that is the current state of affairs for most self-published authors. But there is also a lot of poor writing published by traditional publishers; many books promoted by traditional publishers are just garbage. The same holds true for vanity publishers, who promise first-time authors the moon--a best-selling novel and a film script based on their books. Vanity publishers have no qualms about taking 20,000 dollars from authors to 'help them publish their books, to distribute them globally, and to initially promote them on social media'. These are all activities that the author can do himself or herself for less than 50 dollars on Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP); one need only use KDP to self-publish a book, arrange for global distribution, and sell the book on Amazon. I wrote a post about self-publishing already in 2010 (A New Yorker in Oslo: Publish Your Book using CreateSpace (paulamdeangelis.blogspot.com); just as an update, CreateSpace eventually became KDP for those who are interested. Once the book is out for sale on Amazon, it's easy to tweet about it or share the link on social media. So what are vanity publishers using the 20,000 dollars for? They're getting rich from taking advantage of first-time authors who don't know any better. They're also criminals for lying to authors. 

One sad thing about getting older is finding out how many people lie, or are willing to lie to get ahead, to make money, or to be successful. There are people willing to sell out their relationships and family in order to make money. There are people who were perhaps willing to cheat or be dishonest when they were young, who became cheaters and dishonest people as adults. It's disconcerting to read about them, and even more disconcerting to know them personally. I find it sad that most professions are built on the backs of honest hard-working people who never really found out how or even that they were taken advantage of until they were older, and by then the only feelings they can feel are disappointment and sadness. It's too late to do anything about it. It's hard not to feel sad when you realize that in many professions--academia, publishing, business, journalism, medicine--there are those who don't mind shamming others, who don't mind lying and cheating their way to the top, who don't mind stepping on others or holding them back, and who don't care what others think of them. Perhaps that is the way of the world, and perhaps that has always been the way of the world. Nevertheless, it is still quite jarring.  

A life of lies and deception--John le Carré's A Perfect Spy

I continue to be fascinated by books that deal with deception and lying, and with characters who use deceit as a means to an end, a means to get through life. I supposed that explains some of the fascination (my own and others) with a man like Trump. He is a pathological liar, and the media cannot get enough of him. Each of his lies is more outrageous than the last one. People eat them up. We wonder if he has any limits whatsoever. The answer appears to be no. His niece Mary Trump wrote a book about him, and even though she is a clinical psychologist, she still couldn't explain him satisfactorily. But she gave it a good try. I think these types of people defy description. And I wonder, are we so jaded and in need of stimulation, that we look forward to listening to a man like Trump spout his nonsense out into the universe? Is this what will awaken us to the world around us? But how many times can we put our hands into the flames before we no longer feel anything, before they are burned beyond recognition? Isn't that the risk we run if we don't deal with the impact of such behavior on ourselves and on society at large?

I wonder what it must be like to be the child or children of such an amoral man. It certainly cannot be easy. One absorbs a plethora of warped messages. "Make up your life. Don't tell the truth about yourself or about anything. Lie if necessary. Win at all costs and lie if you need to win. Winning is everything. Success and money are everything. Poverty is for losers. The ends justify the means. Using others to further your ambitions is acceptable. Lying will get you everywhere. Cheating is no big deal. Facts are not facts, but merely constructs to be adjusted at whim. There are no absolute truths". And so on. 

One of my favorite authors, John le Carré, who wrote 'A Perfect Spy', passed away a few days ago. 'A Perfect Spy' is a brilliant book by an incredible author, one of those books that will haunt you for a lifetime. I read it in my twenties and have never forgotten it. It is on my top-ten list of favorite books. I also watched the BBC series of the same name, with Peter Egan playing the role of Magnus Pym, that appeared on television in 1987. As I've grown older, I wonder--why was I and why am I still--so fascinated by the tale of Magnus Pym, a spy/double agent whose father, Rick Pym, was an amoral con man? Charming yes, but a criminal just the same, Rick Pym teaches Magnus that it's ok to live a life of deception in order to get what you want. Magnus Pym struggles his entire life to deal with his father's toxic influence but never really manages to escape it. He is psychologically damaged by his father, and that impacts on all aspects of his life--he betrays his country and those people in his life with whom he has close relationships. It is no surprise that he chooses to be a spy/double agent, but he struggles with that choice and with his inability to reconcile all of the 'different persons' he houses inside himself. The book is written in such a way that it is nearly impossible to not feel sorry for Magnus Pym. And that is because he pays such a high price for being the perfect spy. I won't reveal the ending for those of you who might want to read the book. I highly recommend it. Much of the book is autobiographical; le Carré's father was a con man, and he probably wrote 'A Perfect Spy' in order to deal with the negative impact on his psyche that having such a father had on him. It is the psychological exploration of one man's psyche and soul that creates empathy for the character of Magnus Pym. 

And that brings me back to Trump and his niece's book about him. Trump had a father who 'conned' him into believing that he had to lie and manipulate others in order to be successful and to be well liked. But Trump has no qualms of conscience about who he is. He has embraced the amorality of his life. He doesn't seem to suffer because of it. My empathy is in short supply when I look at his behavior and his life. Perhaps there will come a day when he begins to examine his life. As the saying goes--'the unexamined life is not worth living'. Perhaps Trump will realize that one day, adjust his life accordingly, and make amends to the people he has conned and manipulated. But I'm not holding my breath. 

Reflections on “Everything’s great. Right, Toots? You just have to think positive"

I am reading Mary Trump's book Too Much and Never Enough. I can't say that it's an enjoyable book to read, that would be lying, but it is interesting in its own way--the tale of a dysfunctional family that created the man who is currently the 45th president of the USA. What strikes me about the Trump family is that lying about nearly everything plays a major role in their interactions with each other. Or if not directly lying, a blatant and total disregard for the truth staring them right in the face. It's hard to know where to start, and since I haven't yet finished the book, I'll wait until I do before posting a review. However, there are some things I can comment about already.

Mary Trump says her uncle Donald fits all of the criteria for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. If you have never had any contact with a true narcissist, consider yourself lucky. For those of you who have had the bad fortune to know one in your personal life, you have my sincere sympathy. I wrote a post about narcissistic personality disorder in October 2019; you can access it here:   https://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.com/2019/10/learning-about-narcissistic-personality.html

Narcissists are walking cyclones that will destroy your life if you let them (in). As I wrote in October 2019, "......steer clear of these types of people if you want your life to be in any way peaceful or happy, or if you want to prevent the destruction of your own life. Let the professionals deal with them. It is not worth the heartache involved to try and care about these people". 

I have not changed my mind, and Mary Trump's book merely reinforces my statement. How do you know you are in the presence of a narcissist? They lie. Even when confronted with the naked horrible truth about themselves or their life situations, they lie. They promote themselves shamelessly. They are all about self-aggrandizement. They think the world of themselves and very little of others (others are often stupid, lazy or cowards for not taking the risks they take). Conversations with them are all about them, never about you or your life. They demand loyalty but don't give it in return. When they are done with you, they will cut you out of their lives without a moment's notice. They are delusional for the most part, with some rare few moments of insight, that give you hope that they will perhaps seek help and get better. But they don't. They promise that they will though, but they don't. They may even work as therapists, which terrifies me even more. Because the operative word is terrified; they are scary people, cyclones as I said. Steer clear of them. When you are in their presence, all good fresh healthy air is sucked out of the room and replaced by an air of suffocation. An hour with a narcissist is more than enough for a lifetime. They live in their own worlds of insanity and drag you in and along for the wild ride, if you let them. Many of them are whip-smart and charming, and that's how they hook you. And once hooked, trust me, getting yourself unhooked will require a courage and a willpower that you never knew you had. My advice to anyone who is living with or has interactions with a narcissist--get out and get away.

The title of my post is “Everything’s great. Right, Toots? You just have to think positive.” That's what Donald Trump's father used to say all the time, especially to his wife who was often in ill health. How comforting that must have been to hear. Essentially you say to another person, your illness is your fault because you didn't think positively enough. Imagine saying that to someone with cancer or any other terminal illness. I know younger people with cancer, and a few that have recently died of cancer. Not a one of them wished their illness on themselves. None of them is a negative person; in fact, the one person who died recently from brain cancer was a cheerful upbeat person with many friends who respected him highly. If 'thinking positively' had any real merit, the world would not be drowning in painkillers and addictions to painkillers that are killing thousands of people. It would not be drowning in the abuse of anti-depressants. 'Thinking positively' does not lead to sobriety, it is the humble willingness to admit that you have a problem and that you need help that lead to sobriety. You have to want to change your life. The Serenity Prayer says it best "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. The Serenity Prayer is the complete opposite of narcissism. Narcissists never really admit that they need help; you may think that they're asking for help, but ultimately you have misunderstood the situation. Because a few days later, everything's fine again, and your conversation with them about all that was 'wrong' has been forgotten, or perhaps never took place. “Everything’s great. Right, Toots? You just have to think positive.” 

What a strange world we live in, a world that adulates and rewards the shallow thinkers, the con-men, the narcissists, the ruthless capitalists, the criminals, the 'do as I say, not as I do' people. Whenever one of them gets caught for his or her crimes, I rejoice. It's a start toward dismantling the hold that narcissists have on our society. Because if you think about it, the message of 'think positive' has morphed into 'think only of yourself'. Too much emphasis on self can only lead to the mess that surrounds us in the world. Too much emphasis on self has destroyed personal lives and relationships. I applaud Mary Trump; it probably took all of her courage to write the book. It must have been extremely hard to write about a family that probably terrifies her. She exposes the 'people of the lie'. And in that context, I can recommend M. Scott Peck's excellent book People of the Lie, if you want to learn more about how Peck defines evil and his confrontations with pathological liars and narcissists in his therapy practice. You gain valuable information, but not without a cost. That cost is the fear that you feel when you read about them, and the true fear when you know you have to deal with them.