The narcissists among us

You can sum up a full-blown narcissist, or at least the full-blown narcissists I've had the displeasure of meeting, in a few words--obsession with money and control. I first met a narcissist when I was young and inexperienced. When he wasn't worrying about how to control others (including me), he was focused on how to make more money. He was extremely judgmental, cold, and sometimes nasty in his comments and responses to others. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make money, but if it leads to envy and greed, it's wrong. If money becomes the focus of one's life, you're on the wrong path. The other narcissists I've known are women, and they were and still are obsessed with money. It is often the first topic of conversation. These women are driven by the desire for money, and they are envious of those who have money. They feel entitled to wealth, and if others don't give them the money they want, they will cut them off or shut them out and find a new sucker who will support them until that sucker wakes up. From the time they were children, they were beguiled by wealth--big houses and large expense accounts. There is never enough money to satisfy them, and their behavior toward others involves either manipulating them into giving them money by making one feel sorry for them, or blaming them for not doing so. They are fond of blaming others for their own failures and failings, but if they achieve some success, they are uninterested in crediting others who helped them in any way. In other words, if they are successful, they got there by themselves. They would never acknowledge that they got support or help in any way, and they are rarely grateful. They are haughty, judgmental, cold, self-entitled and often nasty. They have a complete disregard for others' feelings or experiences; you or someone you know could have been majorly ill and they'll never ask how you are feeling. They don't really care. They are quick to cut you down when they disagree with you. Their words are used like weapons, like swords. Their worlds revolve around themselves, and if others are allowed in, it is only because they are 'useful' to the narcissists. Narcissists need to control the narrative and they need to control others, and if they can't, they get angry. If you've ever been the recipient of the anger, you'll understand exactly what I mean when I say that you need to get over the fear that they instill, in order to deal with them and eventually detach from them. 

Sometimes there are periods of years when the narcissists 'wake up' and see the world around them for how it really is. Sometimes they acknowledge their own failings and try to make amends. That is to be praised as a good thing. However, these periods are few and far between, and eventually narcissists go back to being, well, narcissists. Putting themselves first, telling themselves that everything revolves (or should revolve) around their lives and wishes. If you've gotten sucked in again to their world in one of the better periods, you'll find yourself on the outside again rather quickly when you don't behave the way they want you to behave. So again, it's best to not get sucked in at all by their narratives or attention. It involves being a bit cold and emotionless yourself, but it's the only way to survive. Narcissists are, as I said previously, shells of people. They are also emotional vampires and soul suckers that will suck the positive energy and compassion right out of you when they get into trouble, because then they need you to tell them what they want to hear--that it's not their fault. Except it mostly is. They have to be right. They will try to convince you that their view of life is the right one, the only one. Only we know that's not true, because they can offer no solid evidence for why it should be so. They are delusional because they live in their own world. Most of them, because they are cold individuals, have few to no friends. They then envy those who have friends. 

Am I interested in knowing why narcissists became the people they are? No. I am interested in stopping narcissists in their tracks, and the only way to do that is to remove oneself from their lives. Perhaps hard to do if you are married to or involved with one. But if you can separate oneself from them as much as possible, your life will feel much easier, as though a weight has been lifted. You may have had compassionate feelings for these shells of people, but guaranteed, your absence in their lives will not lead to their missing you, unless you have been helping them out financially and suddenly stop the money flow. They'll miss that. 

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All of us have some narcissistic tendencies that we tend to label as selfishness or vanity. But most normal people feel shame or remorse for their narcissistic behavior and apologize to those they have hurt. They don't behave like full-blown narcissists.

Full-blown narcissism is something quite different, and is considered to be a major personality disorder. If you'd like more information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the following summary will give you what you need. It was copied from: Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

Symptoms

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:

• Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.
• Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
• Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
• Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
• Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
• Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
• Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.
• Take advantage of others to get what they want.
• Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
• Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
• Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:

• Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.
• Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.
• React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.
• Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.
• Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
• Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.
• Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
• Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.-------------------------------------------------

And finally, here's a link with info about how to respond to a narcissist:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/other/7-things-to-say-to-a-narcissist-that-ll-make-them-rethink-their-behavior/ar-AA2hdFG4?ocid=socialshare

What Erich Fromm wrote about extremely narcissistic people

I am currently reading The Heart of Man: Its Genius for Good and Evil by the psychoanalyst and social psychologist Erich Fromm. Published in 1964, it describes his view of what he calls the syndrome of decay and its opposite, the syndrome of growth. The syndrome of decay is comprised of extreme forms of the following: necrophilia (love of and fascination with death); narcissism; and incestuous symbiosis. When these are combined to excessive degrees in a person, he defines that person as evil. Hitler is his primary example, but he also lists others--Caligula, Nero, and Stalin, among others. 

He writes:

There are other examples in history of megalomaniac leaders who 'cured' their narcissism by transforming the world to fit it; such people must also try to destroy all critics, since they cannot tolerate the threat whcih the voice of sanity constitutes for them.........we see that their need to find believers, to transform reality so that it fits their narcissism, and to destroy all critics, is so intense and so desperate precisely because it is an attempt to prevent the outbreak of insanity. Paradoxically, the element of insanity in such leaders makes them also successful. It gives them that certainty and freedom from doubt which is so impressive to the average person. Needless to say, this need to change the world and to win others to share in one's ideas and delusions requires also talents and gifts which the average person, psychotic or non-psychotic, lacks. 

In other words, political leaders who behave like this have a desperate need for their followers to share in their beliefs and delusions. They are never cured of their narcissism, and it's doubtful that they understand that they are narcissists. They simply mold the world around them to fit their brand of it. Their followers reward these types of leaders for their lack of self-doubt (total self-assurance, arrogance), their solipsism (self-centeredness--they are the centers of the universe), and their xenophobia (in this context, fear of anyone who doesn't share the leaders' beliefs, also parochialism, insularity, intolerance). 

Sound familiar? Look at some of our current world leaders and would-be leaders. Again I ask, how did we get to this point? Perhaps the better question is why. Why did we get to this point? Why do so many people want to abdicate personal responsibility in order to follow these types of leaders, to become little more than toadies? I can only conclude that following such leaders is preferable to thinking for oneself and to taking charge of one's own life. It's easier to place one's decision-making in the hands of someone who promises you complete and utter security and certainty (a fantasy), who promises you the past (also a fantasy), and who promises you that nothing has to change--lack of change and growth. Lack of change and growth is important to those who do not want to focus on personal development or bettering themselves, which involves change and growth. 

Fromm's book is worth reading. He's a good writer who can take complex ideas and clarify them for his reading public. When we were young adults, his book The Art of Loving, was very popular. I remember reading it then, but I never ventured further with his other books until now. Reading The Heart of Man is helping me to understand the current political situation. It may not provide solutions, but it's good to know what we're dealing with and what's at stake. 

Reflections on freedom, commitment, and following your own path

I reflected this morning on this short citation from the gospel of Luke (Luke 9:62), because it struck a chord in me: And Jesus said to him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. 

Once again, it seems as though Christ is being unnecessarily harsh with us humans, but the priest gave his interpretation of these words and meant that it had more to do with our freedom to commit to a path, and to not let ourselves be distracted by the myriad of duties and the demands of others that distract us each day from the commitments we make freely. The priest emphasized the 'freedom' aspect of the commitments we make. If we make those commitments freely, we are bound to honor them (with freedom comes responsibility). That is the gist of what Christ is saying here. If we choose to follow Christ in this life, we do so freely, we commit to that path. And we cannot look back; we cannot allow ourselves to be pulled off the path by family, friends, or others who do not understand that commitment or who do not wish us well.

This saying could be applied to many aspects of our lives; we must forge ahead on the path we choose freely despite setbacks, despite misunderstandings, despite outright hostility at times. There are family situations I remember well from my childhood, where some adults irrationally demanded loyalty from children in situations where children should never have been asked to choose sides or to prove their loyalty. But the adults behaved irresponsibly, childishly, or in a demanding way that was often frightening to children. Breaking away from those adults was tough, but necessary, in order to create a life unencumbered by those adult problems. The breaking away was done in a loving manner, but in a firm way. It had to be so. The adults had to be made to understand that their lives were their lives, and that the children's lives were not simply extensions of their own. The children would never have made anything of their lives if they had had to accommodate and acquiesce to the petty wishes of those adults. Similarly in marriage; a childish or narcissistic spouse will try to hinder the growth of his or her partner, will try to pull them off the road that their spouses have chosen freely. Sometimes love is destroyed by that behavior; other times the behavior is tolerated, but the repercussions may not be good ones. You know you are in the presence of narcissistic people who do not wish you to follow your own path, when nothing you do for them is good enough, when their demands drown out your own wishes and goals for your life, when your daily life becomes nothing more than slavery to such people. This cannot be allowed to happen, and yet it does, every day somewhere in the world, because the behavior of narcissists is enabled by the ability to make others feel guilty and to feel inadequate. Narcissists play on our guilt and inadequacies; narcissists are 'people of the dark', not 'people of the light'. I think that is what Christ is really saying. I think he is saying that we are each unique individuals with our own road to follow, and that we have our unique talents and gifts to make our own individual journeys. Freely committing to our own path means not enabling others to freeload on our paths, means insisting that others do 'their own work' on their own paths, means disconnecting with those people who are unhealthy and who do not wish us well. We know this instinctively, but we let guilt and pity enslave us. Christ is saying, follow me freely. Your life may not be easy, but it will be yours. And that is all we (men, women, children) can ask for in this life--the freedom to choose our own lives and to follow the path that is uniquely ours.