Monday, December 13, 2021

Light in the December darkness

December is a dark month in Oslo. Actually it's a dark month in the whole of Norway. We're luckier here in Oslo than are those who live in Tromsø in northern Norway, where it is dark for most of the day. Tromsø gets about two to three hours of light per day during the winter (How People Stay Happy in the Norewegian Town Where the Sun Doesn't Rise - The Atlantic). I say that we're luckier in Oslo because we get more daylight; sunrise is around 9 am and sunset shortly after 3 pm. That gives us six hours of daylight. But I suppose it depends on how you look at it. When I first moved to Oslo, I found the darkness in wintertime too dark. It enveloped me like a cloud or a blanket, smothering me with its endlessness. Winters at that time were for me all about looking forward to spring and summer. Christmas 'saved' me in the sense that I had something happy to prepare for and to focus on; between working full-time, Christmas parties, social gatherings, Christmas shopping and writing Christmas cards, etc., there was plenty to take my mind off the dark days. But over the years, I've adjusted to the short winter days. That happened because I take advantage of the small amount of available light to be outdoors. And if I can't be outdoors when it's light out, I take a walk in the early evening, when it's relatively quiet. Walking in the darkness in a well-lit city is no problem. I realized recently that being outdoors at any time is a tonic for all that ails me. Just getting outdoors for a long walk soothes my soul. Even when it has snowed and the sidewalks are impassable, I still look forward to getting outdoors for my walk. I couldn't do that when I was sitting in an office all day, trapped indoors during peak daylight hours. 

Oslo sets up a Christmas market on Karl Johan street (at Spikersuppa) in mid-November that adds to the festive feeling preceding Christmas. It stays up until early January. The lights shine in the darkness, welcoming tourists and city dwellers alike. I met some friends for dinner near the beginning of December and on my way home I passed the market and took a few photos. Light in the darkness......

















The darkness of December can be tackled in different ways. One of them is to surround oneself with light of all kinds. Christmas decorations and trees contribute to this. The co-op complex where we live in Oslo sets up a Christmas tree each year that is lit for most of the day. Just looking at it soothes my soul. Most of the co-op complexes set up Christmas trees and some of them have Christmas tree celebrations for the children in early January. Our co-op complex has a small tree-lighting ceremony where residents gather for fifteen or twenty minutes to watch the tree get lit and to drink gløgg (mulled wine) and eat some pepperkaker (gingerbread cookies). It's a nice gesture that was started a few years ago by the co-op board. 










People are clever about decorating their balconies with strings of white lights that light up the darkness; the balconies look beautiful and the lights create a feeling of coziness. I do this too and love looking at all the balconies when I come home in the early evening. House owners do the same, decorating their windows, balconies, and outdoor trees and bushes with string lights. City streets are decorated with hanging lights that span the width of the streets; one street in particular--Bogstadveien--has lovely bell-shaped Christmas lights.  

Indoors, tea candles are used to create light and a cozy feeling. They are placed in holders of all shapes, colors, and sizes. My favorite tea candle holder is one that looks like a stained glass window that I received as a gift many years ago from a woman with whom I worked; I'm including a photo of it here. When the candle is lit, it reflects all the colors of the holder onto the surface of the table where it is placed--quite pretty to behold.  











The candle holders I like the best at present are the translucent ones, where the light passes through the images on the holder, illuminating them in a peaceful way. These are not tea candle holders necessarily, although you can use tea candles in them. 


Flameless candles have become popular. I like them because there is little risk of fire and the LED lights last a long time (much longer than the batteries that are needed for the candle to function). 





















When I first came to Norway, the most popular light decorations that people placed in their windows were called 'Adventsstake' (translated Advent candlestick--see photo below). You can still see them in some windows, but their popularity has waned. I had one for years until it fell into disrepair. 

 










Window light decorations are also popular. Hanging stars, like the one in this photo, are now in favor.  



And of course there's the snow. It doesn't snow every year in December, but the past few years we've had some snow accumulation in December. If it doesn't rain, the snow remains on the ground and lights up the darkness. It's a welcome sight, especially when it's cold outside and it first has snowed; everything seems so unspoiled, pretty and peaceful. Magical almost. 

Whenever I feel out of sorts, I try to remember all of the things about this month, about Advent, about traditions, about the true spirit of Christmas, and slowly they seep in and lift my spirit. I am reminded that the season is about kindness and patience and about bringing light to others-- humans, animals and birds. Each morning when I see the birds gathered on the fire balcony outside our kitchen window waiting for their daily dose of sunflower seeds, I realize that I am their light in the darkness. They show up when they see the lights go on in the kitchen as breakfast is being readied. They remember from year to year where to go to find sustenance. They remember those who are kind to them. 

There is grace all around us, in the simplest of things. Those things can be all of the little things that we use to create a Christmas spirit in our homes--our traditions, the Christmas tree, books, flowers, decorations and other treasured items. That is why we have accumulated them over the years--they give us joy and they give joy to others. They give light to world-weary souls. 


Saturday, December 4, 2021

Remembering Thu

It's not often you meet a real-life angel, but when you do, you feel certain that you are in the presence of goodness. My friend Thu, who worked for me as a research assistant during 2011-2012, was smart, quick, competent and willing to go the extra mile. Thu the employee was always motivated, always positive, always had a smile. I don't think I've ever seen her angry or be rude to anyone. She got involved in my research project and had timely and useful suggestions for how to improve certain procedures. She worked for the department of pathology doing necessary routine procedures so that the department could function efficiently, but her mind and heart preferred the research side of science and medicine. So it was a huge surprise when she came to me one day back in late 2012 and said she was leaving the work world behind in order to enter the convent. She wanted to become a Dominican nun. In early 2013 she gave up her job and moved into the Katarinahjemmet here in Oslo, which is a convent/cloister that currently houses twelve Dominican nuns. She became a novice and was very happy with her decision. I visited her there regularly during 2013, as did several others who had worked with her. We would eat lunch together and just talk. I remember asking her about her vocation, her call to serve God in this way. She said it was probably always there but just got stronger as the years went on. Katarinahjemmet is a beautiful and serene place in the middle of Oslo, but you'd never know you're in a city once you are inside the building. It is a place conducive to prayer and contemplation and I understood immediately why Thu chose to be there. 

Unfortunately Thu did not get to experience more than about a year and a half in the convent. She was diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer in 2014, when she was 35 years old, and that was the start of seven years of hell for her. The tumor was removed and she started on very heavy chemotherapy afterward (cisplatin derivative) that is very tough on the body. Besides losing her hair, she lost her energy completely. She had a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. She could no longer pursue her vocation and live in the convent, so she ended up moving home to her mother's house. Luckily her family live in Oslo or right outside of it (they all came originally from Vietnam). Thu did manage to meet me and two other co-workers for dinner a couple of times in 2015. Toward the end of 2015 she asked me if she could come to work for me again, and I arranged for her to work part-time together with our research group. We agreed that she could work one day a week and increase her work time gradually if she felt up to it. We often ate lunch together and talked about so many things; she was always honest about her situation. I know she suffered from the severe effects of her chemotherapy, the downside of chemo, but it did keep her cancer in check for a couple of years. In 2017 her cancer returned, this time with metastatic spread to her brain. There were only a few brain metastases that the oncologists could see, so she underwent a brain operation to remove them, which was successful. Unfortunately, the operation left her partially lame, so that she had to start physical therapy in order to learn to walk properly again. When we would visit her at her apartment (she had purchased a small apartment), she was using a walker to get around, but she was a trooper and managed it very well. She never complained, never whined, never wondered 'why me'. She just did what she needed to do. And gradually she got better at walking so that she could walk unaided to the supermarket and do what she needed to do on a daily basis to take care of herself. But her family was always within driving distance so that they could help her if she needed it. She started taking a new drug (I think it is called Osimertinib) that is given to non small cell lung cancer patients when the cancer has spread or may come back after surgery. This would have been around 2018. The side effects of this drug are fast or pounding heartbeats, swelling in the lower legs, fever, cough, trouble breathing, skin blistering or peeling, vision changes, eye pain, increased sensitivity to light, light-headedness and shortness of breath. Thu ended up having eye problems, especially increased sensitivity to light, so that it was very difficult for her to read, watch tv, or use her computer. The last time we saw her was when we had dinner together in her apartment; that would have been right before the pandemic started in March 2020. She mentioned the sensitivity to light but was otherwise in good spirits. We did not see her again after that, although I have had contact with her via Messenger. Her cancer ended up coming back in June 2020 and she underwent radiation treatments to shrink the brain tumors. By this time she was having severe headaches and was very light-sensitive. The last time we wrote to each other was in December 2020; I told her how much she meant to me and how much I appreciated all the work she did for me. After that point, I don't think she was able to use any devices. We heard from her family that she did not want visitors anymore. 

Thu died yesterday, on my birthday, at the age of 42. I'd like to think that heaven gained an immediate angel. I hope that she will look out for me--that she will be my guardian angel. Rest in peace, my friend. I will miss you. 




Friday, December 3, 2021

Reflections on men who kill their partners

I read about the Gabby Petito case as it was unfolding; it was no surprise to me that Brian Laundrie who went missing ended up dead. My guess is that he simply couldn't live with what he had done and that he knew he would go to prison for a long time for killing her. He also knew he was one of the most hated men in the USA at that point. He simply couldn't face a trial and life in prison so he probably ended his own life. There are several other plausible scenarios, but this is the most likely one in my mind. Brutal enough in one instance to take his girlfriend's life; cowardly enough not to want to pay the price for doing so. Although committing suicide takes some guts, so go figure. I guess he figured it was the lesser of two evils, one that spared him the horror of reliving his crime in a trial. He spared his family and Gabby's family the horror of it as well.

Today I read about another young man who beat his girlfriend to death while they were on vacation in Mexico. Her family had gotten bad vibes about him and wanted her to end her relationship with him. She didn't. The night before he killed her, she had contacted her family to let them know that he had assaulted her viciously enough so that she needed stitches. A day later, she was dead, 'beaten to a bloody pulp' as the newspapers reported it. 

Every week there are news stories about men who murder their wives/girlfriends/lovers and their children. Or about women who disappear and are never found (and are presumed dead, just that the body cannot be found). If it's not a divorce case where the man stands to lose custody and takes revenge, it's a man wanting out of his marriage because he met someone new and doesn't want to pay alimony/child support to the woman he's discarding. Or you have the cold-blooded psychopaths who enjoy gaslighting and abusing their wives/girlfriends/lovers/children. All of these cases are reported on the news, made into films and crime series, or written about in articles and books. And if these men don't kill the women in their lives, they physically and mentally abuse them and make their lives a living hell. They threaten them with bodily harm and death, they threaten to kill their children if there are any, they threaten to make the lives of these women and their extended families a living hell. Sometimes they do. It's hard to predict which of them will act on their threats. 

What is wrong with these men? With regard to the murder cases, why do they go down the path of murder rather than just walking away from the women? Why do they kill them? Is it a moment of rage, or is it years of rage that have built up? Where does that rage come from? Are these men who don't want to be tied down by marriage and children, or by demanding girlfriends and lovers? Men who don't want to pay alimony and child support? Are they all psychopaths? According to my online searches, about 1% of the general population are psychopaths; in the USA that amounts to circa 3,337,548 people. The majority of crime films and television crime series nowadays present many men as predators, opportunists, pricks, and despicable human beings (read psychopaths). They are fooling around with other women while their wives are at home taking care of the kids. They are gaslighting their wives or complaining that she doesn't work/bring in enough money/look the same as before she had children. They are aggressive, brutal, and only interested in demeaning the women in their lives.

The odd thing is that many of the photos of these couples that end up on social media in real life these days present a united and happy front. When you see the violent outcome, you realize how fake it all is, all the lovey-dovey fakery on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. The poses, the fake happiness, the perfect family. Except it's not. You could wonder why women in these relationships go to such lengths to present the image of a happy relationship/family. Psychiatrists and psychologists have probably written a plethora of books on that subject. Abused women retreat into their own twilight world, forced there by the men in their lives. They are forced into secrecy; they cannot tell their families about how bad it all is, because the men in their lives would punish them and/or their families. So they put on the happy face. You could wonder if the men want this image presented to the world in photos, or if the women feel guilted into doing this. It's hard to know. One thing is clear; the use of social media seems to actually help crime scene investigators, because there's usually something of interest, something useful, that they can find to help them with their cases. The Gabby Petito case made that clear with the different video footage that documented escalating tensions between the two young people. Why didn't Gabby just go home? What did she believe would change? That's the tragedy, that when you're young, you have a lot of hope--that people can change, that situations can change, that life can be better. Regardless of what people say to you, you hang onto that belief. In some few cases, things do get better. In the majority of bad relationships, they don't. And that's what you know when you are older. Don't waste your time. Cut your losses. Better to be alone than together with someone who doesn't love you. We need to do a better job with our daughters when it comes to telling them that men who gaslight and abuse them don't love them. It needs to be drummed into women's heads from the time they are young, along with 'don't get into strangers' cars' and 'don't talk to strangers'. A man who truly loves and respects a woman will never be violent with her, will never try to manipulate or control her, will never humiliate her in front of others, will never be a Jekyll/Hyde personality. It's that simple. 

People choose to go down the path of evil. It doesn't matter if they're young or old. The more incidences of abuse, violence, lying and other bad behavior, the further along the path of evil they come. Literature is full of references to a person's demons. Are demons real? I believe they are when you look at the depravity of the crimes committed by some of these people. I wonder if the perpetrators, the men, ever thought about the repercussions of their behavior on their consciences. The more frequent the bad behaviors, the more dulled and numb the conscience becomes. The final destination on this path is a completely-numbed conscience, where physical and mental abuse become commonplace. Is that what happened in some of these high-profile domestic violence cases? We may never know. 

I'll end this post by including some links to online articles that discuss this topic in more detail:



Saturday, November 27, 2021

Reflections on workism

I learned a new word from an article I read yesterday in The New York Times. I'll get to the article in a moment. The new word is 'workism'; it is defined as follows: 

What is workism? It is the belief that work is not only necessary to economic production, but also the centerpiece of one's identity and life's purpose; and the belief that any policy to promote human welfare must always encourage more work........(https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/)

The article itself was the transcript of an interview between Rogé Karma, the staff editor for The Ezra Klein Show, and Sarah Jaffe, an author who has written a book called Work Won't Love You Back: How Devotion to Our Jobs Keeps Us Exploited, Exhausted, and Alone (Transcript: Rogé Karma Interviews Sarah Jaffe for ‘The Ezra Klein Show’ - The New York Times (nytimes.com). I sent the link to a few of my friends whom I know will enjoy reading it, because we have discussed several aspects of this topic earlier. The interview provides food for thought and discussion but not concrete solutions for how to deal with the problem, and it clearly is a problem (Workism Is Making Americans Miserable - Marcellus). There are a lot of research studies being conducted about the effects of workism on the lives of Americans. 

Americans have been overworking for years and the word workaholism was often used to describe the almost addictive behavior that many workers exhibited. They had to be at the office no matter what, and it was not uncommon for them to announce that whenever you ran into some of them. They wore their workaholism like a badge of honor, even though it affected their physical and mental health. They worked overtime, on weekends, during their free time. They lived, breathed and ate work at the expense of their family and social lives. I personally know a woman (in New York) who had a high-powered job for which she sacrificed her social life. That meant rarely getting together with good friends; her husband worked at an equally high-powered job so apart from their jobs and raising two children with the help of a live-in nanny, their lives were quite socially isolated. I'm not sure how she feels about her choices today as a sixty-five year old woman, but back in the 1980s 'marrying your job' was almost encouraged for women. Women had to get ahead, make inroads, compete with and in the same way as men. Women's magazines (e.g. Ms. magazine) encouraged this way of thinking. It was hard not to be affected by it all, because the allure of work was already strong without the hype surrounding it. Remember, we grew up in an America where the work ethic was alpha and omega. It was drummed into us that having a strong work ethic was important, that getting a good job (well-paying) was important. A college education would make the latter possible. Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Nose to the grindstone, whether it meant studying hard or working hard or both. I remember it well. I started working part-time jobs when I was fourteen, and each summer I got agitated if I couldn't find a summer job. In my twenties, I worked at my first lab job and finished my biology master's degree at night. I switched jobs (another lab job) and began an MBA program after work. When my father died I realized that I couldn't do it all and quit the MBA program in order to focus on my work and on having free time to be together with friends (not always easy when your commute to and from Manhattan was about two hours long). When I moved abroad I worked sixty-hour weeks, as did my husband. We were scientists working in the lab and we loved what we did. I spent six years doing my PhD alongside my job. I don't think we worried about whether our jobs loved us back. But a certain amount of our identity came from our work. We were concerned with doing good research and publishing the results of that work, and we did that well until the way of doing research changed drastically around 2005. I'll come back to that. But suffice it to say that we overworked ourselves for many years. Do I regret it? No, I don't. We were not real workaholics because we did not sacrifice our personal lives for our work. We got together often with friends and family, raised a child, pursued our hobbies, took vacations, and did all those things that make for a good life outside of work. Now that I'm retired, I do wonder if one of the reasons I retired early is because I literally ran out of steam, physically. I was tired. Perhaps no wonder. Having retired, I don't miss work nor do I miss the workplace atmosphere of competition and politics. 

When I moved to Norway in my thirties, it took me quite a while to get used to having four weeks of summer vacation. In the States, I hardly used my summer vacation so that it accumulated and my workplace had to remind me to take my two weeks each year. I remember sitting by the pool at the apartment complex where I lived on a few of those vacation days during the hot New Jersey summers, wondering what I was going to do and how I would use the time. I spent one vacation visiting a friend in Kentucky; another time I visited another friend who had moved to Michigan. But by and large I really didn't know what to do with 'all that free time'. The same was true for several years after I moved to Norway. And then it changed. Slowly I began to look forward to summer vacations. My husband and I traveled around Europe. I traveled back to New York for a week or two at a time to visit family and friends, and still do that each summer. I began to relish having free time. The only time I had ever had so much time off (four weeks) was when I was still working in Manhattan and had a major operation that forced me to recover at home for six to eight weeks. I couldn't do much physically so I had to learn to lie on the sofa and take it easy, read, listen to music, write, do photography, and play with my cats. I wasn't married then so I spent that time by myself. It was an eye-opener and quite valuable, as the forced time off showed me that I had an identity apart from 'employee'. 

'Workism' has apparently taken over American work life. Work has become an all-consuming activity and the sole source of a person's identity according to the articles I've been reading. Companies want more and more from their employees without paying them more. At the same time they want them to be motivated and happy workers. Companies are interested in efficiency and production and have developed all sorts of novel ways to measure both. Control of employees is paramount. Smart phones have made it possible for work to invade all aspects of life at all times of the day. Employees feel obligated to answer emails at all hours of the day. Leadership courses promote the idea of motivation as being paramount for a good workplace environment; the idea of transactional work, going to work to get a paycheck and doing just what you need in order to get that paycheck, is discouraged. Nowadays you go to work to get motivated, to enhance your life and your identity. Work provides your identity and the main purpose of your life. Nowadays your work should feed your soul, heart, body and mind. But what if work doesn't do that? The majority of employees don't experience work in this way, yet they are told the opposite. It is a recipe for misery, yes. 

Has workism taken hold in Norway? Yes, it has to a large degree. I can only speak for the scientific community, but my impression is that many scientists derive their identity and life's purpose from their work and that they have bought into the workism hype. The workism hype includes all the tricks that workplaces (university hospitals and universities) use to maintain control over their employees, to keep them efficient and productive. Around 2005, the way of doing science in Norway changed. Policies surrounding the way that science was organized and conducted changed, determined by the government. First came the large centers of excellence (idea adapted from the USA and England), where one or two group leaders received huge amounts of funding to organize research centers devoted to one specific field of research, e.g. molecular cancer or personalized medicine. These centers created extensive networks with other centers, nationally and internationally. The emphasis was on creating large research groups at the expense of small ones; the latter were left to their own devices, most of them without further funding, so many of them ceased to exist after a time. Those who carried on did so knowing they would not get funding and knowing too that they would be harassed, mocked or ignored. At the same time, researchers were told that their output was to be controlled and measured continually via progress reports, internal reports, impact factors and H-indices. All of these determined your worth and identity as a scientist. The greater the output (publications in high-impact factor journals, PhD students, book chapters, courses, etc.) and the higher your H-index, the greater your chances of getting funding and the better you were as a scientist. I've written about this many times before. Scientists with funding in Norway are considered to be 'good' scientists; those without are considered to be 'bad' ones. Black and white, no in-between. Think big and dream big (and throw in the buzzword innovation) and you're a 'good' scientist, think small and you're not. Scientists without funding don't 'work hard enough' in the view of the 'good' scientists. The 'good' scientists are those who find a way to constantly remind others (the bad scientists) that they're the best--they work the hardest, they're at work all the time, they get the most funding, they live/breathe/sleep science, and they have the most students (translated, they're popular). Their identity is totally wrapped up in their work. They have no insight into themselves or others and possess little empathy for others. They complain a lot. They complain that they work too hard but they wear their overwork like a badge of honor. They complain that they have hundreds of emails to answer, too many meetings to attend, but they would never trade away the irritations for the 'boring' lives of the scientists they label as 'bad'. They like to complain because that's part of their identity. They have little else in their lives that motivates or drives them, and in some cases they resort to borderline ethical behavior in order to keep what money they've gotten, e.g. trying to intimidate granting agencies into giving them money they mean is rightfully due them as the great scientists they are. They can't wait for the 'bad' scientists to quit or retire, because that frees up more money for them or their cronies. The hype surrounding them is that they are important; the reality is something else again. The undercurrent in Norway at present is that you should be working, always, and that extends even to retirees. Whenever I bring up volunteer work as a possible activity for retirees, people get quiet. They don't know what to say. You should be working and getting paid for it. After all, we're talking identity, we're talking prestige, status, importance. Retirement is not looked upon favorably here as it is in America. It rankles several people in their seventies whom I know here that they 'had to retire' because they had reached retirement age. They resent being made to feel old; the truth is that they derive their identities from their jobs. They resent the loss of their identities. That does not describe me. 

Social interactions, faith/religion, and extracurricular activities outside of work used to contribute to a healthy self-image and identity. The idea that work will be the sole contributor to creating our identities is a very misguided one. When things are going well at work, we don't think about our vulnerability in the workplace. It is not until we are threatened with the loss of our jobs that we 'wake up' and realize that we may be spending too much time at the office and that the rest of our lives deserve as much if not more attention and focus. It is not until we burn out or hit the wall that we realize that we can actually lose our motivation for a job and that sometimes it is nearly impossible to get it back. That forces us to rethink things. I think it's healthy to hit the wall, even though it's painful and uncomfortable. It's our minds and bodies telling us that they have had enough, that they cannot continue doing what they've been doing anymore. 

I am flying in the face of every leadership and motivational course I have attended during the past ten years when I say that we should return to or adopt a transactional approach to work, as in, I the worker will do the work stipulated in the contract I sign with my workplace for a set salary. If I do more work than stipulated then I will receive overtime for it. If the workplace wants me to be available after hours and on weekends, then they must pay for that. White collar workers, e.g., academic research scientists, typically are not unionized (in Norway they are) and the idea of transactional work would not appeal to most of them. They are used to giving their all and working long hours to make it in order to obtain permanent jobs and tenure. Most don't obtain these things; the hype in Norway is that you will after four years in one position and it's one big lie. Scientific academia is an elite profession populated by elitists who have no interest in opening up the field to all. It is not a profession populated by truly great visionary scientists, teachers and writers, although you do find them. So therefore I think that a transactional approach to the profession is warranted. Some of the younger scientists here are starting to think in that way; science is a job, like any other. They want a 9 to 5 life with weekends and evenings free and time for family and friends. Why shouldn't they have that? Just because the reigning powers that be say otherwise?

You find out how much you are worth to your workplace when you are sick, need time off for personal issues, or when management has to get rid of a certain percentage of its workforce. If the company needs to fire you, they will, no questions asked, no mercy. Firing is transactional; there is nothing motivational about it, as in, we need to fire you, you need to leave, you will get unemployment etc. until you get a new job. No emotions involved, just pure efficiency. That's how it should be when an employee decides to quit his or her job. No emotions, just do it. The reality is something else again because workers grow attached to their co-workers. But if we had a less work-centered approach to life, we could leave workplaces behind much easier, and that would contribute to changing how workplaces deal with employees. My recent reading has indicated that up to the pandemic year, most power was centered in workplace management. Post-pandemic, much less so. Employees simply don't want to return to 'what was' and many have quit their jobs. The pendulum swung too far in the wrong direction, where employees were little more than pieces on a chessboard, moved around at the whims of their employers. Told to accept any and all changes at a moment's notice (don't be resistant to change--that's anathema to management). Told to be available at all hours in order to increase efficiency and productivity, regardless of what that does to employees' personal lives. Time will tell in terms of what develops, but I hope that younger employees especially retain their newfound power and that necessary changes in policies are made so that Americans (and others) can get their lives back. 



Friday, November 26, 2021

Cultivating gratitude

Cultivating gratitude. How easy is it to do that, to learn to be grateful for what we have? When we're young, we really don't think much about it. When we're older, we do, because we have more time to look back on and reflect on our lives and how we've lived them up to this point. We look around us and see the lives of other people, the struggles and the good times, and we look at our own lives and reflect on the same. I've thought a lot about gratitude during the past decade especially. When life doesn't go the way you thought it would, when disappointments abound (and they will inevitably appear), they push you in the direction of reflection and eventually gratitude or bitterness. The latter is a recipe for doom. If you choose bitterness because your life didn't work out the way you planned, then you essentially tell yourself that the rest of your life is not worth living and exploring. Because here's the kicker--you have no idea how the rest of your life will turn out. If you close yourself off and wallow in bitterness, you will not experience what God wants for your life. If you let your bitterness lead you down the path to self-destruction in the form of different physical addictions, you will not honor the life that God has given you. Nothing is set in stone. Unhappy times can lead to happy ones. Life can change for the better. Life is not static, it is constantly moving, flowing onward, changing. Life is fluid, and thank God for that. 

If you choose gratitude eventually after having gone through hard times and disappointments, you will free yourself. It sounds hard but it is not over time. Gratitude is what develops in our minds and hearts when we are patient with ourselves and others, when we forgive ourselves and others. When we let go of whatever millstones we are dragging around that tell us that we failed because we didn't measure up to this or that level that someone else said we should have reached. Whenever we drag around the 'should-haves' for our lives, we won't be grateful--should have worked more, should have been richer, should have traveled more, and so on. When we let go of the should-haves, we learn to be content with good enough. We are good enough as we are. That doesn't mean that we can't try to be better people each day. It means that we accept ourselves for where we are in this moment, grateful for what we have--families, friends, good health, hobbies, material wealth, a good life. None of these are guaranteed anyone. I have friends who no longer have good health; they mourn that loss but they are not bitter people. They could have been. They are adjusting to their new daily lives patiently, sometimes with irritation or anger, but overall in a spirit of wanting to continue to live life as normally as possible. They have not given up, and they would say they are thankful that they have the material wealth that provides them with the support they need. Not everyone has that. 

I've read many columns in the last few days about gratitude and what it means. Most of them point out that being grateful one day a year, on Thanksgiving Day, is not enough. They're right, it isn't. Cultivating gratitude on a daily basis, that's a worthwhile pursuit. One of the books that has helped me through the years, given to me by a good friend after a particularly sad time in my twenties, is Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Hazelden Meditations) by Karen Casey (Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women (Hazelden Meditation Series): Karen Casey: 9780866835015: Amazon.com: Books ). This little green book is worth its weight in gold. I am grateful for the messages it contains but also for the friend who cared enough to give it to me. Whenever I find myself moving toward bitterness, I pick it up and find in it what I need to steer me toward a spirit of gratitude. 


Happy 250th Birthday, America!

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