Dahl writes, and I quote
(translated from Norwegian)—‘We live with a mentality and in a time when
reconciliation cannot happen fast enough. Anything else than mild, manageable
grief and the desire to forgive is seen as a backward detour, an inadequacy. You
are not allowed to be angry, to think about revenge, or to scream’. He ends his
article by asking ‘What if you are Felicia Feldt?’
Indeed. What if you are?
What if you are someone who is angry and bitter, who hates the person who
mistreated you? What if you cannot forgive immediately? What right does society
have to judge you? What if you bottle your anger on a daily basis because you
know that society does not tolerate it or your grief? I think Dahl brings up
some really interesting points. I am not sure if he is just referring to
Scandinavian society when he says that we live in a time when reconciliation
cannot happen fast enough or that intense grief or anger or the lack of a
desire to forgive are seen as personal weaknesses. I applaud his bringing this
topic up. It is about time that someone did. The past ten or so years in
Norwegian society have convinced me that he is right. We are encouraged to
forgive (no matter what), to communicate, to dialog, to negotiate,
to not be judgmental, to not be angry, to smile, to ‘get beyond’ whatever it is
that is bothering us, ad nauseum. Getting past the unpleasantness
can also include the death of a loved one or our own illnesses. We should ‘get
on with our lives’. But what if you cannot do all of these things? Or what if
you cannot do them fast enough? And what is fast enough? Who can define that
for another person? Who would dare?
I know from personal
experience that forgiving a person who has wronged you can take many years. I
had to learn the hard way that anger and hatred are valid emotions, that you
cannot ignore them or sweep them under the rug. I had to learn to face my anger
and hatred. I had to learn to understand that my inability to express anger as
a child and teenager had ripple effects in my early adulthood—I was betrayed by someone who ought to have known better since he called himself a
Christian. The fact that I loved and trusted this person did not seem to matter
much to him. The lesson I learned, I am glad I learned when I was in my early
20s instead of in middle age. It would be harder to bounce back now. It took me
years to learn how to forgive him. I didn’t understand what
was involved in forgiving another person at that time. I honestly didn’t think
it would be possible or that it would ever happen. It was possible and it did
happen—albeit many years later—after a lot of reading about how to tackle
anger, how to express it, when to express it, what forgiveness is, what it
involves, and so much more. Anyone who thinks learning how to deal with
negative emotions is trivial, is wrong. It does not happen overnight, no matter
how much wishful thinking is involved. Society wants quick fixes for everything
that is broken—with no mess, no fuss, and no drama. The question is how did it
get to be this way, and why is this preferable to an honest reaction and to
living as honest an emotional life as possible?