Reflections on forgiveness--trying to understand what it means and doesn't mean

The murders of Rob and Michele Reiner triggered many reactions and feelings in me. When their son was arrested for their murders, I began to think about their other children and how they are feeling. Devastated for sure. Horrified that their brother is to blame. A horrific situation any way you look at it, starting with the murders; the parents had their throats slit and they were stabbed, according to the news reports. How can a son do this to his parents? How much hatred do you have to possess in order to do such a thing? People repeat the same phrase over and over--he is mentally ill. As though that should explain it all. It doesn't. The majority of mentally ill people are not violent, but some types of mental illness (schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) are more associated with violent behavior than others, as a recent article in The Lancet points out People with severe mental illness as the perpetrators and victims of violence: time for a new public health approach - The Lancet Public Health  Mental illness is not an automatic defense for dealing with killers nor should it be. 

How can the siblings of Nick Reiner forgive him for what he did to their parents? I'm not sure they can. I don't know that I could forgive a sibling for doing such a horrible thing. I have experienced a few major hurtful and disturbing behaviors (not murder) in my life, and I honestly cannot say that I forgave the perpetrators, at least not for a long time afterward. What is forgiveness, really? According to what I have gathered from my online reading and from what my religion teaches, forgiveness involves letting go of angry and bitter thoughts and the desire for revenge. It does not mean that one is to eradicate these feelings, something that is not possible since we are human beings with feelings. The desire for revenge is strong. Forgiveness does not mean that one forgets what has happened. It does not mean condoning what has happened, or even necessarily trying to understand why it happened. I spent several years trying to figure out why someone would behave so badly to me, and that prevented me from moving on with my life. I did a lot of reading about evil and bad behavior at that time in my life, which did help. But no amount of trying to explain evil and bad behavior will erase the fact that it happened, and that it happens every day in the world at large. People can be horrible to each other on a personal level or horrible to others generally (think bullying and social media bullying, abuse, pedophilia, domestic violence, rape, murder, war and related aggression). The list is long and such behaviors have been around for centuries. Evil exists, even though many people would prefer not to label it as such, because they're not comfortable with the idea of evil spirits, demons, and the like. No one is comfortable with that idea, but many religions acknowledge the existence of evil and evil spirits, the Catholic Church being one of them. 

I grew up with Catholic teachings. The older I get, the more I believe that true evil exists and that it cannot be explained away by science or rational thought. The latter is more comforting to believe, that if we just somehow find the right explanation, we will be able to find a cure for preventing evil behavior. It will never happen. In one way, by acknowledging that evil exists, our response to evil can be simpler. We can 'forgive' the perpetrator of evil acts in the sense that we can let go of wanting vengeance, let go of wanting explanations, let go of wanting to know why. But we can never forget what happened, nor should we. What we have experienced can guide us to better decisions and choices. Don't trust the wrong person when your gut tells you not to, don't allow narcissists to manipulate you, don't tolerate abuse of any kind (walk away if possible), protect yourself and your sanity at all costs. Because the cost of not doing so can be high down the road. Living with evil or in an evil environment can cost you your health down the road. In this sense, it is easier to 'forgive' a person who has wronged you in order to move on and away from what has happened to you. But it does not mean compassion or empathy for the perpetrator of an evil act, nor should it. There should be real consequences for evil behavior. 

It's interesting that Christ came to save humanity, to collectively forgive our sins. At one point, he says 'forgive them Father, for they know not what they do' in relation to those people who wanted him dead. I'm not sure I agree with the latter part of the statement. I believe those who made the decision to end the life of Christ knew exactly what they were doing, which makes them that much more evil in my opinion. But perhaps some of the soldiers and people who were ordered to crucify him were ignorant. But does that make his death more palatable? Are these people off the hook? 

It's best not to live a life burdened by anger and bitterness, burdened by the desire for revenge. It's also best not to live a life burdened by PTSD, anxiety, nightmares and the other unfortunate consequences of having been the victim of evil behavior or evil situations in general. I think of the the innocent victims of the countless wars throughout the world, the nearly 3000 people who died in the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks in 2001, the more than 1200 people who were brutally murdered (and raped first in the case of women) in Israel on October 7, 2023, the countless number of children who have died in USA school shootings, the 77 victims of Anders Behring Breivik in 2011 in Norway, the two young Norwegian women murdered in Morocco in 2018, the young women in Jeffrey Epstein's world who were abused to satisfy the insatiable evil lusts of the men in that world, and the countless number of children abused by pedophile priests and pedophiles generally. The list of evil behaviors is long. How do you go on living after experiencing such things, if in fact you did/do survive? How do the families of the victims go on living? A number of the survivors and their family members don't--they commit suicide because they can't deal with the aftermath. 

So if forgiveness is letting go in order to be free of the feelings of anger, bitterness, vengeance and to deal with anxiety and other major mental issues after having been wronged by another, then forgiveness is a good thing in my opinion. It is not for the benefit of the perpetrator, it is rather for the benefit of the wronged. I don't know if this is in line with Catholic teachings, but I find it hard to accept that I should 'free' the perpetrator, especially if the perpetrator has gone on to other evil acts and shows no interest or signs of becoming or wanting to become a better person, ready to take his or her punishment. Freeing the perpetrator is a job that belongs to the divine. It is only when the perpetrator meets with his or her victims/families of the victims and asks to be forgiven that the picture changes--only when the perpetrator is ready to take his punishment. At that point, I still don't know what I would do, I guess it depends on the type of evil, the type of crime committed. I know what Christ would do. But that doesn't make it any easier to know what I would do. 

Life is a one-way street

Our lives are often referred to as the 'roads' or 'paths' we're on. Moving through life does feel like being on a road, albeit with detours that can track us off or lead us back eventually to the main road. The main road should include a sign that reads 'destination unknown'. Because although we're moving straight ahead, it's not always clear what our destination is. Some would say heaven or the afterlife, some would say a void if they don't believe in an afterlife, and others don't give it much thought at all. All of us keep plodding forward, although the word plodding implies heaviness and grimness. Life can weigh us down at times with its problems, so it's not always easy to have a light step. 

Whether we walk lightly or doggedly, one thing is certain. There is no reverse, no going back. We can't walk backward, can't reclaim past years, can't go back to living in the past, as much as we might like to sometimes when life gets difficult. Sometimes, the desire is strong to return to a time when life seemed less burdened, less weighed-down with societal and personal issues. But the reality is that they were there too in the past; we just tackled them differently because we were younger and the whole of life was still ahead of us. We were naïve in a good way; we didn't have the life experience that we do now. Perhaps we reacted more impulsively to certain situations on which we would use more careful consideration now. It's hard to know for sure. 

Although we can't walk backward into the past, we can walk more lightly when we forgive ourselves and others on the road with us. Forgiveness of others lightens our burdens; it unencumbers us. It clears the path ahead for new experiences, new adventures, kinder lives, and gentler spirits. We don't walk alone on our one-way street of life; we walk together with those we love and care about. 

Forgiveness in our times

Our society has become more secular over the past few decades; there is less emphasis on the religious and spiritual aspects of life. I know that religion isn't necessary to create or achieve goodness in the world, but it has and does help people in that regard. Belief in God and/or a higher power and following the tenets of religion have defined and still define the lives of many people here on earth. That's a good thing, even though religious differences still underlie serious conflicts and wars.

With the gradual decrease in the importance of religion in society, one might expect that sin, guilt, and forgiveness were things of the past, belonging to the realm of religion. After all, if there is no sin, there is no guilt and no need to ask for forgiveness. But this is not the case. Religion has been replaced with an extreme form of political correctness that is focused on public shaming and on calling out the foibles and mistakes that others make. Where once sin and guilt were private matters between a person and his or her God, or between the sinner and the person sinned against, they are now public matters, especially if you are in the public eye. Think politician, actor, newscaster, celebrity. Nowadays major media organizations and social media behave like lions at a kill when they learn that someone has made a mistake, spoken out of turn, said something stupid, or done something embarrassing. I'm not talking about major crimes (murder, assault, rape etc.), I'm talking about some of the stupid or thoughtless things that people do or say. The things that make others cringe and the perpetrator cringe when he or she thinks about it afterward. Everyone has or will have such a moment at some point--perhaps a public meltdown, an argument with a spouse, yelling at a child. And rest assured, someone is always listening or watching, ready to pounce on what others say or do. Media spies or folk willing to publicly shame others are everywhere. 

Maybe the perpetrators of these transgressions shouldn't have said or done what they did, but done is done. But if what was said or done is caught on microphone or camera, their fifteen minutes of fame (infamy) await. It's not enough to report the news of the transgression once; it's reported over and over ad nauseam. Eventually the perpetrator is publicly shamed to the point where he or she says (is forced to say) 'I'm sorry' and asks for forgiveness. But from whom are they asking forgiveness? The public, the media, the wounded parties, or God? Or all of them? Because nowadays, one can't be sure. 

Why does society have this persistent and exaggerated need to pillory folk? Why are we so quick to judge others and to find the worst in others? It reminds me of the unenlightened times in past centuries, where people who had done wrong were locked into the pillory in the town square for a few hours. The aim was to publicly humiliate them. The pillory was often used to punish perjurers or those who incited to perjury. In that sense, our society is worse because individuals are pilloried via the media for much longer periods of time and for much lesser 'crimes', and the internet records the punishment for posterity. Some people 'survive' the punishment and make the best of it; others disappear from public life for good. 

I think it's odd that as secularism has increased, the ability to forgive others has diminished. The same people who scorn religion think it's perfectly alright to judge and punish the people they deem to have 'sinned'. They think it's perfectly alright to publicly humiliate others until the 'sinners' beg for forgiveness. The sinners are up against a tough crowd. Those doing the judging and humiliating are more like the Pharisees than like Christ. I'd rather take my chances with the latter; at least if you are truly sorry, forgiveness is available to you, and you need not be publicly scorned in order to obtain it. 

Wise words

 

Insights about forgiveness

The difficult situations that we face in our lives challenge our capacity to forgive, especially when we have been hurt by another. I know from personal experience that forgiveness is not something that can be hurried or forced. You cannot simply 'forgive and forget' at the drop of a hat. It's not that easy. Eckhart Tolle seems to have understood that, because he writes so insightfully about forgiveness in his book, A New Earth. I have not read his book, but I run across excerpts from it from time to time, that I think are worth sharing.

It requires honesty to see whether you still harbor grievances, whether there is someone in your life you have not completely forgiven, an "enemy." If you do, become aware of the grievance both on the level of thought as well as emotion, that is to say, be aware of the thoughts that keep it alive, and feel the emotion that is the body's response to those thoughts. Don't try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self, to keep the ego in place. The seeing is freeing. Jesus' teaching to "Forgive your enemies" is essentially about the undoing of one of the main egoic structures in the human mind. The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.

~Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth pg.66)

To forgive and move on

The Norwegian writer Niels Fredrik Dahl wrote an interesting article for this past Friday’s A-magazine (the weekend magazine for the newspaper Aftenposten) about the daughter of Anna Wahlgren, ‘a Swedish author, lecturer, child rearing expert and mother of nine’ as it says on her Facebook page. The daughter—Felicia Feldt—is angry at her mother and has published a new book that deals with her growing up years and how much she hates her mother. According to Feldt, her mother did not practice what she preached to the outside world—she partied hard, drank a lot, and was abusive to her nine children, among a number of other unpleasant behaviors. Her book has attracted a lot of attention; Anna Wahlgren apparently has no desire to comment on her daughter’s allegations.

Dahl writes, and I quote (translated from Norwegian)—‘We live with a mentality and in a time when reconciliation cannot happen fast enough. Anything else than mild, manageable grief and the desire to forgive is seen as a backward detour, an inadequacy. You are not allowed to be angry, to think about revenge, or to scream’. He ends his article by asking ‘What if you are Felicia Feldt?’

Indeed. What if you are? What if you are someone who is angry and bitter, who hates the person who mistreated you? What if you cannot forgive immediately? What right does society have to judge you? What if you bottle your anger on a daily basis because you know that society does not tolerate it or your grief? I think Dahl brings up some really interesting points. I am not sure if he is just referring to Scandinavian society when he says that we live in a time when reconciliation cannot happen fast enough or that intense grief or anger or the lack of a desire to forgive are seen as personal weaknesses. I applaud his bringing this topic up. It is about time that someone did. The past ten or so years in Norwegian society have convinced me that he is right. We are encouraged to forgive (no matter what), to communicate, to dialog, to negotiate, to not be judgmental, to not be angry, to smile, to ‘get beyond’ whatever it is that is bothering us, ad nauseum. Getting past the unpleasantness can also include the death of a loved one or our own illnesses. We should ‘get on with our lives’. But what if you cannot do all of these things? Or what if you cannot do them fast enough? And what is fast enough? Who can define that for another person? Who would dare?

I know from personal experience that forgiving a person who has wronged you can take many years. I had to learn the hard way that anger and hatred are valid emotions, that you cannot ignore them or sweep them under the rug. I had to learn to face my anger and hatred. I had to learn to understand that my inability to express anger as a child and teenager had ripple effects in my early adulthood—I was betrayed by someone who ought to have known better since he called himself a Christian. The fact that I loved and trusted this person did not seem to matter much to him. The lesson I learned, I am glad I learned when I was in my early 20s instead of in middle age. It would be harder to bounce back now. It took me years to learn how to forgive him. I didn’t understand what was involved in forgiving another person at that time. I honestly didn’t think it would be possible or that it would ever happen. It was possible and it did happen—albeit many years later—after a lot of reading about how to tackle anger, how to express it, when to express it, what forgiveness is, what it involves, and so much more. Anyone who thinks learning how to deal with negative emotions is trivial, is wrong. It does not happen overnight, no matter how much wishful thinking is involved. Society wants quick fixes for everything that is broken—with no mess, no fuss, and no drama. The question is how did it get to be this way, and why is this preferable to an honest reaction and to living as honest an emotional life as possible?