Life is a one-way street

Our lives are often referred to as the 'roads' or 'paths' we're on. Moving through life does feel like being on a road, albeit with detours that can track us off or lead us back eventually to the main road. The main road should include a sign that reads 'destination unknown'. Because although we're moving straight ahead, it's not always clear what our destination is. Some would say heaven or the afterlife, some would say a void if they don't believe in an afterlife, and others don't give it much thought at all. All of us keep plodding forward, although the word plodding implies heaviness and grimness. Life can weigh us down at times with its problems, so it's not always easy to have a light step. 

Whether we walk lightly or doggedly, one thing is certain. There is no reverse, no going back. We can't walk backward, can't reclaim past years, can't go back to living in the past, as much as we might like to sometimes when life gets difficult. Sometimes, the desire is strong to return to a time when life seemed less burdened, less weighed-down with societal and personal issues. But the reality is that they were there too in the past; we just tackled them differently because we were younger and the whole of life was still ahead of us. We were naïve in a good way; we didn't have the life experience that we do now. Perhaps we reacted more impulsively to certain situations on which we would use more careful consideration now. It's hard to know for sure. 

Although we can't walk backward into the past, we can walk more lightly when we forgive ourselves and others on the road with us. Forgiveness of others lightens our burdens; it unencumbers us. It clears the path ahead for new experiences, new adventures, kinder lives, and gentler spirits. We don't walk alone on our one-way street of life; we walk together with those we love and care about. 

Forgiveness in our times

Our society has become more secular over the past few decades; there is less emphasis on the religious and spiritual aspects of life. I know that religion isn't necessary to create or achieve goodness in the world, but it has and does help people in that regard. Belief in God and/or a higher power and following the tenets of religion have defined and still define the lives of many people here on earth. That's a good thing, even though religious differences still underlie serious conflicts and wars.

With the gradual decrease in the importance of religion in society, one might expect that sin, guilt, and forgiveness were things of the past, belonging to the realm of religion. After all, if there is no sin, there is no guilt and no need to ask for forgiveness. But this is not the case. Religion has been replaced with an extreme form of political correctness that is focused on public shaming and on calling out the foibles and mistakes that others make. Where once sin and guilt were private matters between a person and his or her God, or between the sinner and the person sinned against, they are now public matters, especially if you are in the public eye. Think politician, actor, newscaster, celebrity. Nowadays major media organizations and social media behave like lions at a kill when they learn that someone has made a mistake, spoken out of turn, said something stupid, or done something embarrassing. I'm not talking about major crimes (murder, assault, rape etc.), I'm talking about some of the stupid or thoughtless things that people do or say. The things that make others cringe and the perpetrator cringe when he or she thinks about it afterward. Everyone has or will have such a moment at some point--perhaps a public meltdown, an argument with a spouse, yelling at a child. And rest assured, someone is always listening or watching, ready to pounce on what others say or do. Media spies or folk willing to publicly shame others are everywhere. 

Maybe the perpetrators of these transgressions shouldn't have said or done what they did, but done is done. But if what was said or done is caught on microphone or camera, their fifteen minutes of fame (infamy) await. It's not enough to report the news of the transgression once; it's reported over and over ad nauseam. Eventually the perpetrator is publicly shamed to the point where he or she says (is forced to say) 'I'm sorry' and asks for forgiveness. But from whom are they asking forgiveness? The public, the media, the wounded parties, or God? Or all of them? Because nowadays, one can't be sure. 

Why does society have this persistent and exaggerated need to pillory folk? Why are we so quick to judge others and to find the worst in others? It reminds me of the unenlightened times in past centuries, where people who had done wrong were locked into the pillory in the town square for a few hours. The aim was to publicly humiliate them. The pillory was often used to punish perjurers or those who incited to perjury. In that sense, our society is worse because individuals are pilloried via the media for much longer periods of time and for much lesser 'crimes', and the internet records the punishment for posterity. Some people 'survive' the punishment and make the best of it; others disappear from public life for good. 

I think it's odd that as secularism has increased, the ability to forgive others has diminished. The same people who scorn religion think it's perfectly alright to judge and punish the people they deem to have 'sinned'. They think it's perfectly alright to publicly humiliate others until the 'sinners' beg for forgiveness. The sinners are up against a tough crowd. Those doing the judging and humiliating are more like the Pharisees than like Christ. I'd rather take my chances with the latter; at least if you are truly sorry, forgiveness is available to you, and you need not be publicly scorned in order to obtain it. 

Wise words

 

Insights about forgiveness

The difficult situations that we face in our lives challenge our capacity to forgive, especially when we have been hurt by another. I know from personal experience that forgiveness is not something that can be hurried or forced. You cannot simply 'forgive and forget' at the drop of a hat. It's not that easy. Eckhart Tolle seems to have understood that, because he writes so insightfully about forgiveness in his book, A New Earth. I have not read his book, but I run across excerpts from it from time to time, that I think are worth sharing.

It requires honesty to see whether you still harbor grievances, whether there is someone in your life you have not completely forgiven, an "enemy." If you do, become aware of the grievance both on the level of thought as well as emotion, that is to say, be aware of the thoughts that keep it alive, and feel the emotion that is the body's response to those thoughts. Don't try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self, to keep the ego in place. The seeing is freeing. Jesus' teaching to "Forgive your enemies" is essentially about the undoing of one of the main egoic structures in the human mind. The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.

~Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth pg.66)

To forgive and move on

The Norwegian writer Niels Fredrik Dahl wrote an interesting article for this past Friday’s A-magazine (the weekend magazine for the newspaper Aftenposten) about the daughter of Anna Wahlgren, ‘a Swedish author, lecturer, child rearing expert and mother of nine’ as it says on her Facebook page. The daughter—Felicia Feldt—is angry at her mother and has published a new book that deals with her growing up years and how much she hates her mother. According to Feldt, her mother did not practice what she preached to the outside world—she partied hard, drank a lot, and was abusive to her nine children, among a number of other unpleasant behaviors. Her book has attracted a lot of attention; Anna Wahlgren apparently has no desire to comment on her daughter’s allegations.

Dahl writes, and I quote (translated from Norwegian)—‘We live with a mentality and in a time when reconciliation cannot happen fast enough. Anything else than mild, manageable grief and the desire to forgive is seen as a backward detour, an inadequacy. You are not allowed to be angry, to think about revenge, or to scream’. He ends his article by asking ‘What if you are Felicia Feldt?’

Indeed. What if you are? What if you are someone who is angry and bitter, who hates the person who mistreated you? What if you cannot forgive immediately? What right does society have to judge you? What if you bottle your anger on a daily basis because you know that society does not tolerate it or your grief? I think Dahl brings up some really interesting points. I am not sure if he is just referring to Scandinavian society when he says that we live in a time when reconciliation cannot happen fast enough or that intense grief or anger or the lack of a desire to forgive are seen as personal weaknesses. I applaud his bringing this topic up. It is about time that someone did. The past ten or so years in Norwegian society have convinced me that he is right. We are encouraged to forgive (no matter what), to communicate, to dialog, to negotiate, to not be judgmental, to not be angry, to smile, to ‘get beyond’ whatever it is that is bothering us, ad nauseum. Getting past the unpleasantness can also include the death of a loved one or our own illnesses. We should ‘get on with our lives’. But what if you cannot do all of these things? Or what if you cannot do them fast enough? And what is fast enough? Who can define that for another person? Who would dare?

I know from personal experience that forgiving a person who has wronged you can take many years. I had to learn the hard way that anger and hatred are valid emotions, that you cannot ignore them or sweep them under the rug. I had to learn to face my anger and hatred. I had to learn to understand that my inability to express anger as a child and teenager had ripple effects in my early adulthood—I was betrayed by someone who ought to have known better since he called himself a Christian. The fact that I loved and trusted this person did not seem to matter much to him. The lesson I learned, I am glad I learned when I was in my early 20s instead of in middle age. It would be harder to bounce back now. It took me years to learn how to forgive him. I didn’t understand what was involved in forgiving another person at that time. I honestly didn’t think it would be possible or that it would ever happen. It was possible and it did happen—albeit many years later—after a lot of reading about how to tackle anger, how to express it, when to express it, what forgiveness is, what it involves, and so much more. Anyone who thinks learning how to deal with negative emotions is trivial, is wrong. It does not happen overnight, no matter how much wishful thinking is involved. Society wants quick fixes for everything that is broken—with no mess, no fuss, and no drama. The question is how did it get to be this way, and why is this preferable to an honest reaction and to living as honest an emotional life as possible?