You can sum up a full-blown narcissist, or at least the full-blown narcissists I've had the displeasure of meeting, in a few words--obsession with money and control. I first met a narcissist when I was young and inexperienced. When he wasn't worrying about how to control others (including me), he was focused on how to make more money. He was extremely judgmental, cold, and sometimes nasty in his comments and responses to others. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make money, but if it leads to envy and greed, it's wrong. If money becomes the focus of one's life, you're on the wrong path. The other narcissists I've known are women, and they were and still are obsessed with money. It is often the first topic of conversation. These women are driven by the desire for money, and they are envious of those who have money. They feel entitled to wealth, and if others don't give them the money they want, they will cut them off or shut them out and find a new sucker who will support them until that sucker wakes up. From the time they were children, they were beguiled by wealth--big houses and large expense accounts. There is never enough money to satisfy them, and their behavior toward others involves either manipulating them into giving them money by making one feel sorry for them, or blaming them for not doing so. They are fond of blaming others for their perceived failures, but if they achieve some success, they are uninterested in crediting others who helped them in any way. In other words, if they are successful, they got there by themselves. They would never acknowledge that they got support or help in any way, and they are rarely grateful. They are haughty, judgmental, cold, self-entitled and often nasty. They have a complete disregard for others' feelings or experiences; you or someone you know could have been majorly ill and they'll never ask how you are feeling. They don't really care. They are quick to cut you down when they disagree with you. Their words are used like weapons, like swords. Their worlds revolve around themselves, and if others are allowed in, it is only because they are 'useful' to the narcissists. Narcissists need to control the narrative and they need to control others, and if they can't, they get angry.
Sometimes there are periods of years when the narcissists 'wake up' and see the world around them for how it really is. Sometimes they acknowledge their own failings and try to make amends. That is to be praised as a good thing. However, these periods are few and far between, and eventually narcissists go back to being, well, narcissists. Putting themselves first, telling themselves that everything revolves (or should revolve) around their lives and wishes. If you've gotten sucked in again to their world in one of the better periods, you'll find yourself on the outside again rather quickly when you don't behave the way they want you to behave. So again, it's best to not get sucked in at all by their narratives or attention. It involves being a bit cold and emotionless yourself, but it's the only way to survive. Narcissists are, as I said previously, shells of people. They are also emotional vampires and soul suckers that will suck the positive energy and compassion right out of you when they get into trouble, because then they need you to tell them what they want to hear--that it's not their fault. Except it mostly is. They have to be right. They will try to convince you that their view of life is the right one, the only one. Only we know that's not true, because they can offer no solid evidence for why it should be so. They are delusional because they live in their own world. Most of them, because they are cold individuals, have few to no friends. They then envy those who have friends.
Am I interested in knowing why narcissists became the people they are? No. I am interested in stopping narcissists in their tracks, and the only way to do that is to remove oneself from their lives. Perhaps hard to do if you are married to or involved with one. But if you can separate oneself from them as much as possible, your life will feel much easier, as though a weight has been lifted. You may have had compassionate feelings for these shells of people, but guaranteed, your absence in their lives will not lead to their missing you, unless you have been helping them out financially and suddenly stop the money flow. They'll miss that.
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All of us have some narcissistic tendencies that we tend to label as selfishness or vanity. But most normal people feel shame or remorse for their narcissistic behavior and apologize to those they have hurt. They don't behave like full-blown narcissists.
Full-blown narcissism is something quite different, and is considered to be a major personality disorder. If you'd like more information on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the following summary will give you what you need. It was copied from: Narcissistic personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
Symptoms
Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:
- Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.
- Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
- Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
- Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
- Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
- Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.
- Take advantage of others to get what they want.
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
- Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
- Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.
At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:
- Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special recognition or treatment.
- Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.
- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.
- Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
- Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.
- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.
