CS Lewis and A Grief Observed

CS Lewis wrote A Grief Observed after the death of his wife, the American poet and writer Helen Joy Davidman. It is a book that is well worth reading. He offers his personal insights into the mystery that is grief, what it did to him and how it made him feel and act. Some of what he says resonates with me, like when he talks about how difficult it is to focus or to start anything. Or running on autopilot at work. Lewis became impatient with people who said that death doesn’t matter or that there is no death. But I am not impatient with people who say that to me, because I know that they are just trying to do and say the right thing, and it isn’t really possible to do that. There is no one right thing to say to someone who has lost a loved one. It is not easy to talk about death or to deal with it in our society. I appreciate their caring and the thoughts involved. 

Here are some excerpts from his book, A Grief Observed:

• We cannot understand. The best is perhaps what we understand least.
• Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.
• It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter.
• I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.
• For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
• Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.
• Do I hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought I shall feel less?
• Grief ... gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything. I can't settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.
• No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
• And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job--where the machine seems to run on much as usual--I loath the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much.
• At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in……
• Aren't all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?

'Bloom where you are planted'

So many random thoughts lately, about personal life changes and work life changes, and how the two often overlap. Sometimes the life changes are painful, like divorce or death of a loved one; other times they are joyful but still stressful—marriage or the birth of children. Work changes can involve a new job in a new city, a promotion, being fired, or being moved to another department. I spoke with a friend last week who recently moved to another part of Norway to begin in a new job. I also know of a couple who have moved their business from New York State to another state in order to get a fresh start in life. Sometimes we end up liking the changes we’ve made; other times not. It’s not always easy to predict how we will end up feeling about the changes we’ve made. And if the changes are inflicted upon us (e.g. death of a loved one or being fired), we will often not like how we end up feeling about them.

It thus seems to be of some importance to be able to land on your feet no matter what happens, no matter what life throws at you, no matter how difficult the circumstances. Change, whether self-chosen or inflicted, happens to all of us. One day, we wake up and the circumstances of our lives are suddenly no longer safe, predictable, or comfortable. Much has been made of the expression—‘moving out of your comfort zone’. That expression implies a certain amount of self-insight when it comes to choosing to make the changes that may be necessary in one’s personal and/or work life. But sometimes an unexpected death or the end of a relationship move us out of our comfort zone as well, whether we like it or not.

So what happens when you end up choosing to make a change that plants you in a situation or in a geographical location that you end up not liking or wanting? What happens when you want to go back, but you cannot go back, because the circumstances of your life do not permit that? Perhaps you are financially-bound by your new choice—you’ve invested a lot of time and money in moving to another location, and you cannot just up and leave. In a recent conversation with a friend, the expression ‘bloom where you are planted’ came up. It triggered many feelings in me, and I decided to explore it further.

I found that this quote is for the most part attributed to the Bishop of Geneva, Saint Francis de Sales (1567-1622) in his writing about charity. I’ve thought a bit about it, and have some questions. What if it is not possible to bloom where we are planted, because the ‘soil is not fertile enough’? What if we waste our energy trying to get seeds to grow in rocky soil; what if we ‘cast our pearls before swine’? But also, what if we do get the seeds to grow in rocky or unfertile soil, let’s say by removing the rocks or adding fertilizer to the soil? Is this quote really a means to motivate us to find ways to get around what appear to be insurmountable difficulties? I’d like to think so. I’d like to think it is telling us not to give up, to stay strong, and to find a way to survive and flourish. For all those times I’ve thought that living abroad has been too difficult, especially early on, I’ve found a way around those feelings. Something happened to make one of the many aspects involved in living abroad, easier. Someone was kind to me, opened a door (literally and figuratively), or someone listened and showed empathy. Someone did unto me as I have done unto others countless numbers of times when I worked in Manhattan and was introduced to new co-workers from Europe who felt like fish out of water. I was kind to them, I included them, I made them feel welcome. Through the years, I’ve learned how to make myself feel welcome in a new place, by making sure that my traditions and ways of doing things are honored and respected in my home. You can bloom where you’re planted if you have respect for where you come from, if you honor what you bring with you to a new situation, and if you approach your new situation/location with an open mind. It is possible for all these factors to co-exist inside an individual such that an individual can bloom. I cannot and would not dare to speak for those who have been physically and/or psychologically forced into their new surroundings (imprisonment or upheaval due to war). But in normal life/work situations, it seems to me to be possible to bloom where you are planted, at least after a certain period of time and adjustment.  

Quantum Bloom published

A nice update--my fourth collection of poetry entitled Quantum Bloom was published yesterday and is available on Amazon at: 

http://www.amazon.com/Quantum-Bloom-Paula-Mary-Angelis/dp/1505211166

Angel wings and pink clouds

On the morning of February 18th, I was lucky enough to witness cloud formations that immediately brought to mind angel wings. I'd like to think that a guardian angel is watching over me, those I love, and the city of Oslo. During the late afternoon of the very same day, I witnessed pink-colored clouds, very unusual and very beautiful. I went online to read a little about the color pink, and wouldn't you know, the meaning of the color pink is unconditional love and nurturing. If I was looking for divine signs that everything is going to be ok again after my brother's death, perhaps these are them. I'd like to think so.

I'd also like to include here an old Eskimo saying that was written in a sympathy card that I received from three of my colleagues; it is beautiful and it made me cry. It's a nice way of thinking about the stars.

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. 

Another friend wrote that when her brother died, the priest at the funeral mass said that her brother was now divine. I liked that too. 

There is comfort in every word, conversation, phone call, email, card, and hug that all the wonderful people in my life have offered me and us. There is also comfort in nature and in solitude. In the midst of sadness, there is also peace. And there is love. 

Quantum Bloom--my new poetry collection

I am very close to publishing my fourth volume of poetry entitled Quantum Bloom. I just need to check the proof book to make sure that we're good to go, and then it will be published and available for sale on Amazon.

This is the book cover (a fractal flower) for those of you who might be interested in seeing it. I'm pleased with how it looks.

Rockwood Hall State Park in winter

Rockwood Hall State Park on the Hudson River, in Sleepy Hollow, New York, is a beautiful park to walk around in. I have mostly photographed it during the summer months, but when I was in NY last week, I visited this park to find some peace during a difficult and sad time, on a beautiful sunny winter day. As these photos show, the park is lovely in all seasons, and all those who frequent this park know that they are lucky that it exists.

Rest in peace, Ray

Raymond C. De Angelis, of Riverdale NY, passed away suddenly on February 1st. He was fifty-four years old. He was born in Tarrytown NY and attended Transfiguration School and Sleepy Hollow High School. He graduated from Fordham University in 1982 with a B.A. degree in History and Economics. He is survived by his wife Elizabeth and two children, Tamar and Eli. Both Mr. De Angelis and his wife were co-founders of Adventure Center, Journeys of Wonder, Inc., a nonprofit creative learning center for children in Riverdale NY. Prior to this, he worked in the insurance field for many years. He was a dedicated triathlon participant in his younger years, as well as an avid fisherman; he enjoyed hiking and the outdoors and was very supportive of environmental conservation issues. He will be remembered as a loving father to his two children and as a supportive husband and brother.
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When I was in New York during this sad time, I had a free day, and walked around Rockwood Hall State Park, on the Hudson River. This was a place that we used to frequent as teenagers, and was one of the many places where my brother enjoyed walking around. He also enjoyed walking around the Croton Reservoir, Rockefeller State Park, Wave Hill, and other parks and nature preserves. He was eager to show his children and other children the wonders of nature, just as he had discovered them as a boy fishing around the Tarrytown Lakes. Rockwood Park was full of snow on the day that I was there, but the day was beautiful and sunny, and I 'buried' my brother in spirit in this beautiful place. Rest in peace, my brother Raymond.

A poem about death

My brother passed away suddenly this past weekend. He was fifty-four--too young to leave us. I will always remember him as my friend from our teenage days, when we had long talks about life and love and finding our way in the world. He and I used to bike a lot, and he went on to become a triathlete who competed in a lot of triathlons. My mother and I used to attend some of them, and we marveled at the positive spirit that the athletes had. He was also an avid fisherman in his youth, something that he did not pursue into his adult life, unfortunately. He worked on Wall Street and in the corporate world after college, but was never really happy in it. Later on he married and had a family; his two children were the apples of his eye. He loved his children and they loved him. That was always so clear whenever we were together. Unfortunately, life deals out bad luck at times, and he and his family had their share of it during the past few years. He always remained upbeat despite the problems, but I think the stress just did him in at the end. He will always be in my mind and heart. And I will carry the happy memories of being together with him and his family for always. 

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Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

Jupiter and three of its largest moons

I've been using my telescope during January to watch Jupiter and to follow the orbital positions of its four largest moons--Io, Europa, Ganymede and Callisto. These four moons are called the Galilean moons because they were first discovered by Galileo Galilei around 1610. Io is the moon closest to Jupiter, while Callisto is the farthest from Jupiter. Regarding the length of the orbital periods for each moon, Io takes 1.769 days to orbit Jupiter, Europa 3.551 days, Ganymede 7.155 days, and Callisto 16.69 days. This makes it interesting to watch them, because it is possible to see the changes in their positions relative to Jupiter. I've been drawing their positions and at the same time trying to get a decent photo of them and of Jupiter with my digital SLR camera. Despite what I've read online, it's a tricky business to get a good photo, even when I follow the advice given. I plan on taking photos as often as I can; it's not each night that one can do that, due to clouds, fog, precipitation or other interferences that block the view. Some nights, I have been able to see all four moons, but not get a good photo. If I get a good photo of all four of them, I'll post the pic. Tonight I managed for the first time since I got my telescope to get a good photo of Jupiter and three of its moons. I'm posting the original photo and a cropped version to get a better view (a good suggestion from my husband). Enjoy.

The above image--cropped to get a closer view: Jupiter and three of its moons

A beautiful poem by Wallace Stevens

Apropos my previous post--a visitor outside my office window that just happened to be a lovely blackbird--I am posting one of my favorite poems about blackbirds, by Wallace Stevens. I am sure you will enjoy it as much as I do. 

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

I

Among twenty snowy mountains,

The only moving thing

Was the eye of the blackbird.

II

I was of three minds,

Like a tree

In which there are three blackbirds.

III

The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.

It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV

A man and a woman

Are one.

A man and a woman and a blackbird

Are one.

V

I do not know which to prefer,

The beauty of inflections

Or the beauty of innuendoes,

The blackbird whistling

Or just after.

VI

Icicles filled the long window

With barbaric glass.

The shadow of the blackbird

Crossed it, to and fro.

The mood

Traced in the shadow

An indecipherable cause.

VII

O thin men of Haddam,

Why do you imagine golden birds?

Do you not see how the blackbird

Walks around the feet

Of the women about you?

VIII

I know noble accents

And lucid, inescapable rhythms;

But I know, too,

That the blackbird is involved

In what I know.

IX

When the blackbird flew out of sight,

It marked the edge

Of one of many circles.

X

At the sight of blackbirds

Flying in a green light,

Even the bawds of euphony

Would cry out sharply.

XI

He rode over Connecticut

In a glass coach.

Once, a fear pierced him,

In that he mistook

The shadow of his equipage

For blackbirds.

XII

The river is moving.

The blackbird must be flying.

XIII

It was evening all afternoon.

It was snowing

And it was going to snow.

The blackbird sat

In the cedar-limbs.

A winter visitor outside my office window

This fat little fellow landed on the sill outside my office window yesterday afternoon--the common blackbird. I had put out some bird food as I usually do during the winter months, which mostly attracts the magpies and the blue tits. For the first time, a blackbird found his way to my window sill, and I snapped a picture of him with my cell phone. Not the best picture, but it will have to do. He didn't seem to be at all bothered that people were staring at him from the other side of the window. He took his time eating and seemed to enjoy himself. I put out more food today, but he did not return. I hope he does next week.

Quotes about loyalty

Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life.

--Napoleon Hill

Success is the result of perfection, hard work, learning from failure, loyalty, and persistence. 

--Colin Powell

Honor your commitments with integrity. 

--Les Brown

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies. 

--Mother Teresa

I married an archaeologist because the older I grow, the more he appreciates me. 

--Dame Agatha Christie

Dogs are better than human beings because they know but do not tell. 

--Emily Dickinson

Dare to be true. Nothing can need a lie: a fault which needs it most, grows two thereby. 

--George Herbert

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

--Mark Twain

Patriotism is just loyalty to friends, people, families.

--Robert Santos

My country is the world, and my religion is to do good. 

--Thomas Paine

Leadership is a two-way street, loyalty up and loyalty down. Respect for one’s superiors; care for one’s crew.

--Grace Murray Hopper

If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die. 

--Maya Angelou

Paris in my heart

The Paris that made the news this week is nothing like the Paris that I know and love. I've been there at least five times at this writing and hope to visit there again. Nothing bad that happens there will ever destroy the beauty and the spirit of Paris for me. I have only good memories of this beautiful city and those memories are what came back to me this week as I watched the tragedy that unfolded there. They help to block out the tragic images. These photos from my many trips captured some of those memories forever.

Seine River and  Cathedrale Notre Dame de Paris

Cathedrale Notre Dame de Paris

Notre Dame at night

Notre Dame at night

Jardin du Luxembourg

cobblestone path along the Seine

Eiffel Tower

Sacre Coeur church

a beautiful Paris alley

ceiling in Galeries Lafayette

My new interest in one of the oldest sciences--astronomy

My post today will be about astronomy. It is one of the oldest sciences, dating back to some of the earliest world civilizations. This natural science is a study of celestial objects such as stars, galaxies, planets, moons, asteroids, comets and nebulae, as well as of the physics, chemistry and evolution that help to explain their existence (modified from Wikipedia). I am not sure when my interest in astronomy really took hold, but it has developed and grown during the past year, and reached the point where I decided I wanted to buy a telescope so that I could begin to gaze at the sky. Lucky me--my husband decided to make that purchase my Christmas present. So I am now the happy owner of a Skywatcher BK 705 AZ3 Telescope. It is a great telescope for beginners; you can gain more information about it by watching this excellent video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0YK9968ubY. This telescope costs about three hundred dollars, and allows camera attachment so that photos can be taken if desired. In order to get good camera focus though, you will need to purchase an adapter and an attachment ring, which I have now done. I am waiting for clear skies again in order to take some photos of the moon. Because this telescope has already provided excellent viewing of the full moon this past week; you can see the craters and the lunar landscape. Very cool! We have also managed to view Jupiter with two of its moons (most likely Ganymedes and Europa), but not with great resolution since this planet is quite far from earth and the moons were really just pricks of light; when the two planets are at their closest point, the distance to Jupiter is 365,000,000 miles. The distance between the moon and earth is 225,623 miles at the moon’s closest approach. My husband, who studied physics before moving into biology, has provided me with the mathematical formula to calculate the angular resolution needed to see the moon. It stands to reason that since the moon is closer to the earth than Jupiter, the resolution is better for the moon than for Jupiter. I will eventually take some photos of both and post them here, so you will see what I mean. I would need a much more powerful telescope to get high-resolution views of Jupiter, and it would cost a small fortune.

Interestingly, but perhaps not unexpectedly, there is suddenly a plethora of programs and news articles about astronomy, the planets and moons, space travel, the current space missions—all of which I find so interesting and timely. Here are some links to some great programs and sites if you are interested in finding out more about the ‘wonders of the universe’:

• Wonders of the Solar System TV series from 2010 with professor Brian Cox: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonders_of_the_Solar_System   (excellent series—I cannot recommend it highly enough)
• AstroViewer: http://www.astroviewer.com/index.php   
• Universe Today website: http://www.universetoday.com/
•  NASA’s website: http://www.nasa.gov/    (excellent website)
•  SkyWatcher telescopes: http://www.skywatcher.com/products.php?cat=1

Happy 2015!

A new year upon us, with hopefully more opportunities to 'find the strength to accept what we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to tell the difference'. I've modified the Serenity prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr, which is a powerful little prayer. It is finding the wisdom to 'see' the difference that is the most difficult. Often we bang our heads against the wall of a problem that can never be resolved and waste precious years doing so. Other times we don't see the golden opportunities staring us right in the face for how to solve a problem that can be solved. Often the changes that most need to be made are within ourselves. We cannot change others. It's been said countless numbers of times, but it's true. Change starts with you. I've been thinking about change as it pertains to my own life, and have made some changes that I'll share with you as 2015 progresses. I've realized that taking calculated risks is what makes life interesting, likewise having a sense of adventure. And sometimes opportunities appear for helping you to change your life that can only be divinely-inspired. So here's to the new year, to positive change, to having faith, to serenity and to real peace. I wish that for everyone I know and love, and for the world too.

And for those of you who would like to read Niebuhr's prayer in its entirety, here it is:

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.