The magic of Christmas trees

Putting up a Christmas tree is an important Christmas tradition in our house. I know people who don't put up a tree, and they always have good reasons for not doing so, but it wouldn't work for me. There is something about having a Christmas tree that adds to the Christmas spirit and ambience in our home. My husband and I have decided that we will put up a real tree for as long as we manage to carry one home from the Christmas tree market where we buy one each year (right down the hill from where we live). It usually doesn't take us long to pick one out; we like fir trees (edelgran in Norwegian), about six feet tall, and as symmetrical as possible when you twirl them.

But it is the magic that Christmas trees create, the beauty they add to a room or an outdoor space, that is an important part of Christmas each year. We always had a Christmas tree in our home when we were children, albeit an artificial tree since my parents weren't big on buying real trees. It wasn't until I moved to Norway that real trees became a part of Christmas. Our co-op board also buys a large real tree and puts it up in the courtyard. If it snows, it is always so pretty to look at, the golden lights shining through the glistening snow. Christmas magic, indoors and outdoors.....

A Christmas reminder to keep life simple

Today, Christmas Day, we celebrate a man whose entire life was lived simply. His humble beginnings in a stall, surrounded by shepherds and sheep, are testament to that. His message was also simple-- 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength'. Also-- 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Simple words, and yet how difficult they are to practice sometimes. In the midst of our complicated lives, it's good to be reminded of what really matters. That is the message of Christmas.

The pressure to have an opinion about everything

We are giving up our subscription to the daily newspaper, the paper version that gets delivered to our door each day, as of the start of the new year. I have mixed feelings about doing so; on the one hand, I want to support newspapers and a free press, on the other hand, I have grown weary of modern journalism and its insistence on having to dissect everything ad nauseam in order to 'present the facts', and on its insistence that everyone has to have an opinion about every issue reported on. Their contribution to the polarization (especially political) we see in society at present is considerable. They are no longer neutral purveyors of the news. The fact of the matter is that many newspapers and TV stations are partisan, supporting either liberal or conservative sides, and no matter how they try to disguise that they are not able to do so. Their partisan stance always shines through whatever is reported. And that is the major reason why I won't miss the daily newspaper, and why I have reduced the time I spend watching TV news. I find both very stressful; they 'invade' the peace of daily life that is so hard to come by, and they force readers and viewers to take sides, to have an opinion about everything (regardless of whether readers and viewers are well-informed about specific issues or not). The most stressful thing I know is people who spout their (often-uninformed) opinions about everything under the sun, but if you ask them how they know what they say is true, their answer is that they read it in one or another newspaper, or worse, on social media. Surprisingly, intelligent people fall into this trap as well; 'I read it/heard it in the news' (therefore it must be true) is a standard comment in so many conversations and discussions. What surprises me is that this comment often ends an interesting discussion, because the person who utters it expresses little to no interest in exploring a specific issue further, in other words, no interest in going deeper, under the surface, to learn about whether what they profess to be true or false, is really so. 

When I am asked my opinion about a specific issue these days, I often answer 'I don't know' or 'I don't have an opinion'. This is the truth. Often I don't have an opinion about a specific issue because I am not informed about it, and I don't want to be pressured into uttering an opinion I neither stand for nor have reflected upon. The latter is very important to me these days; I want the time to reflect on the issues that come my way. I also appreciate the freedom to reject issues that do not interest me. In other words, I am not interested in having an opinion about absolutely everything. Firstly, it is impossible to have an opinion about absolutely everything, and secondly, having an opinion about absolutely everything is characteristic of superficiality. If you ask me about a scientific issue, I can most likely answer your question or have an opinion about it, e.g. vaccination or cancer treatment, because I have studied and worked in science for many years and consider myself reasonably informed. If you ask me about a political issue, I can tell you what I may prefer in politics, but I cannot say that my answer is an informed opinion, because I know very little about politics, and it would be stupid of me to argue stubbornly for my way of thinking. I would have to concede to politicians or those who are well-informed about politics in a political discussion. The problem nowadays is that few people are willing to say 'I don't know'. Few people are willing to listen to the experts tell them about a specific issue. Few people are willing to really learn about an issue. Many people will argue and stubbornly continue to argue for their point of view in the face of truth and facts that prove their opinions to be false. If you want to be informed, there are many ways to get informed, but you have to be willing to invest the time needed to read and to reflect upon what you read. You have to be willing to talk to the experts and read what they have written. And if you want to remain neutral in a partisan world, you need to be informed about what both sides stand for. Actually, many issues have multiple sides, not just two sides. It is entirely possible to remain neutral, to want a non-partisan world without it necessarily being an overly politically-correct world. Neutrality and political correctness are not the same thing. Neutrality (at least for me) implies the desire to acknowledge that there are multiple sides to an issue and to reflect upon the associated pros and cons. One will always have opinions about some issues important to oneself; one cannot have opinions about absolutely every societal issue. 

All things Christmas

We are a week away from Christmas, more or less. It seems as though we've been on the road to Christmas since the middle of November, and as always, the weeks have flown by. Each week seems to be filled with things that have to be done, in addition to all of the work projects that have piled up. It's always like this right before Christmas and before summer vacation--the last minute rush to get things done. We put up our Christmas tree early this year--last week in fact--and I hope that it lasts until around January 6th when we take it down. We haven't gone over to an artificial tree yet, but we have talked about it; maybe in a few years. I bought LED outdoor string lights for the balcony, and they look very nice. I wish I could get a good night photo of them, but I don't seem to be able to--the photos end up too blurry. One of the nice things about LED lights is that they use very little electricity, so many people have decorated their balconies and homes with string lights. The end result is that there is more light in the darkness than usual. This is the dark time of the year in northern Europe, but it doesn't feel that way because so many people are using LED lights to light up the darkness.

It will be nice to have some time off for the Christmas holidays. I will catch up on my reading, sleeping, and baking. And I will try to take more photos during this season…….

Christmas tree in the courtyard

our Christmas tree

the amaryllis has already bloomed

Romantic Christmas movies

This year, two Norwegian channels are showing American romantic Christmas movies, either produced by Hallmark or UPTV. One channel showed them all through November; the other has decided to show them all through December. Interestingly enough, there seems to be very little overlap, because I have been taping many of them and they are all different movies, albeit with similar themes and plots. It's hard to remember the names of the movies for exactly that reason, but they mostly have the following plots--girl meets boy but has no time for a relationship because her career takes up most of her life (Hallmark and UPTV are not anti-feminists), but circumstances are such that they either run into each other randomly from time to time, or they are friends who don't want to ruin the friendship by pursuing romance, or they end up working together on a project, or boy pursues girl in a focused slow way in order to win her over, or both figure out over the course of the movie that they belong together. Whatever the plot, the endings are pretty much the same--boy and girl end up together and find happiness. They are feel-good movies for the most part, and perfect TV watching right before bedtime--nothing too heavy, violent, or deep.

You might think that I am going to criticize these types of movies--but you'd be wrong. I rather want to praise them, if for no other reason than that they add a certain lightness/goodness to a world filled with the opposite. They are reminders that the majority of ordinary people go about their ordinary lives, working, meeting a potential spouse, raising families, visiting parents and good friends. I'd rather watch two young adults find love and happiness than watch two adults destroy each other and their marriage and children, even though the latter can absolutely be good drama and provide the potential to learn from the tragedies of others. I'd rather watch the characters in these movies struggle to remain decent human beings in the face of unfairness and injustice. Many of them take the high road in circumstances that would cause others to take the low road. They may not be the most realistic of movies. But if you asked most couples how they met, I bet you'd find that many of them have some interesting stories to tell of love found, love lost, and love found again. Sometimes love is lost for good; these movies deal with that aspect as well. Friendships get them through those times. And I can relate, because friendships are very important, married or not. My mother used to tell me that I should never give up my women friends, even if I married. And I never have. One of the nicest of these Christmas films that I saw this past week dealt with just that--three close childhood friends, two of whom moved away from their hometown in order to pursue careers, and who end up returning to live there after the third friend gets divorced and is in danger of losing her house--a house that holds special memories for these friends. It's a touching movie, with a title that doesn't do it justice--Christmas on Holly Lane--you'd never know that it really is about the blessings of friendship to get you through the tough times. I really liked it.

Some of my favorite films thus far are, in addition to Christmas on Holly Lane:

• A Shoe Addict's Christmas (2018)
• Christmas Perfection (2018)
• Christmas Getaway (2017)
• A Perfect Christmas (An Unexpected Christmas) (2016)
• A Puppy for Christmas (2016)
• Just in Time for Christmas (2015) 
• The Spirit of Christmas (2015)
• A Christmas Kiss (2011)

I'll add to the list as I happily plow my way through the list of taped films during the next few weeks......

Update December 2021--here are some new films that I've enjoyed:

• A Dream of Christmas (2016)
• A Heavenly Christmas (2016)
• Christmas in Vienna (2020) 

A long road and the journey along it

Twenty years ago, I defended my doctoral work, after six long years of toil in the lab and in my office writing up the results of my hard work. While I no longer work in the lab full-time, I am and have been responsible for students (PhD and Masters) who do. One of the PhD students is finishing up her own work and hopes to submit her thesis early next year. We got to talking recently about the long journey that makes up the entirety of doctoral work. You don't reflect so much upon the journey when you are experiencing it, but when you are close to finishing or are finished (or are twenty years down the road), you realize just what an incredible and strange journey it's been. As the Grateful Dead sing "Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip it's been" (from their song Truckin'). The PhD journey is difficult, frustrating, tears-inducing, overwhelming, nerve-wracking, as well as intellectually-stimulating, mind-expanding, and rewarding on so many levels. When you're done, you realize what you have accomplished, and you realize mostly that the journey is about persistence. If you persist, you'll get there. There are hindrances along the way--demotivating mentors, indifferent mentors, projects that don't work out and need to be abandoned in favor of others, bad prioritizing, journals that refuse your articles, lack of funding--the list is long. If you persist in the face of all the hindrances, you'll realize that doctoral work is a microcosm of what life is all about. Nowadays a PhD takes about four years to complete with a requirement for at least two published articles and one manuscript; back in my day it took about six years with a requirement for at least five published articles. Four or six years in the space of an average lifespan is really not a lot of years, but when you're going through it, it can feel like forever.

Persistence is the key word for much of life. There are many hindrances along life's road. Some of them threaten to overwhelm us, and for some people, perhaps the hindrances are too many and they give up. But most people do not, and once you reach middle age, you realize that the journey is about persisting and overcoming obstacles. It is also about enjoying the ride, but happiness is rather fleeting, and is not a goal in and of itself. If there is happiness, it is found in the journey itself. So many students have said that to me, that they realized how much they really did enjoy the difficulties they faced, even though in the face of them, they complained and were frustrated. I know, because I was too. I know too that I have dealt with many obstacles since my PhD years, and not all of them led to pleasant places even though I overcame them. But in the midst of the unhappiness, there was the journey, the road, the way forward and the way out. I persisted, struggled, and made my way along the road, like so many before me and many that will come after me. Like my student now, who has had many more obstacles than I ever had. But she has persisted, and come to discover that she likes research, so much so that she can envision a future where she will make room for the intellectual pursuits of research. The funny thing about difficult journeys; you insist that you just want to get to the end of the journey, but when you do, you realize one thing. Ursula Le Guin says it best:
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”

Rage and fear in nursing homes

The Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten published a rather unsettling article in its A-magazine this weekend about violence within elderly care centers/nursing homes in Norway. At first glance, I thought it would be about abuse of elderly residents by nursing home employees. This is not unheard of, and has been written about for a number of years now. No, this article was about abuse of elderly residents and nursing home caregivers by fellow elderly residents, and it is more widespread than one might think. The nurses and care workers do not report all of the incidents that occur, hence this type of violence is under-reported. Many of the violent residents have been diagnosed with dementia, and even though they are cognitively-challenged, they still retain their physical strength and their voices, both of which they use against their fellow residents and the caregivers. In some cases, the violence was directed against visitors, who ended up terrified. Most of the violence has to do with the rage some of these residents feel, most likely rage against their illness, their mental incapacity, the fact that they know they are in a nursing home and perhaps feel like prisoners, their sense of having lost their identity--the list is long. The point is that their dementia makes them angry, makes them rage, makes them act out, and when they do, much of it takes the form of physical violence, but also verbal abuse (yelling and swearing). Some of these residents throw glasses, cups, chairs; others hold others down, slap them, punch them, kick them, bite them, spit at them, and try to break the fingers of the care workers. Still others (men) were sexually abusive toward some of the elderly women living in the homes. In most cases, the care centers and nursing homes were understaffed, especially at night when some of the demented residents wandered through the halls and into and out of other residents' rooms. It is up to the residents to decide if they want to lock their doors or not; the nursing homes cannot make this decision for them without their permission unless violent situations such as described in the article arise. These situations cannot lead to any repercussions in terms of prison sentences either, since demented individuals cannot be prosecuted.

Any way you look at it, this is an impossible situation. If employees and non-violent residents end up terrorized by violent residents in nursing homes, it will not end well for anyone. I can envision a not-to-distant future where few to no young people will choose to work as nurses or aides in nursing homes. The number of elderly with dementia is predicted to double by 2050, thus need for round-the-clock care will only increase. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that if something is not done to tackle the problem, it will not go away. I don't know what the policies are for tranquilizing such people, but it might be one way to proceed in order to keep them calm. I don't know how elderly with dementia are currently treated (with drugs), but at least if they are tranquilized they cannot be a danger to themselves or others. I know it sounds harsh, but the alternatives are harsher. If nursing homes end up being more understaffed than they are now, they will close, and then it will be up to individual families to take care of these violent demented individuals (most of whom were men in the Aftenposten article, but there were some few women). I feel sorry for them, but they cannot be allowed to destroy the peace that the non-violent elderly deserve after a long life. The latter deserve respect and the right to live out their lives in peace and without fear of being harassed or physically assaulted by fellow residents or anyone else. I applaud Aftenposten for raising this issue, which is most difficult to discuss and even more difficult to solve.

Apparently, this is a global problem, as I have seen online. In other countries, there are special nursing homes for elderly with severe (and aggressive) dementia. Anger is a part of dementia, and in other countries tranquilizers are often prescribed for such people. But they do not always take their medications. So it remains a problem--how to deal with these elderly, how to respect them but at the same time limit their aggression, and how to protect the non-violent residents and caregivers.

Klaus--a new Christmas classic

The film Klaus just recently showed up as a new offering on Netflix, and I was immediately interested, as I am in most animated films for children (and adults). It's a Christmas film to boot, so I was completely hooked. I'd call it a new Christmas classic--a sweet and memorable film about how the phenomenon of sending letters to Santa Claus and children receiving presents got its start. The story is original and unafraid to depict different aspects of human behavior, including cynicism, negativity, meanness, kindness, generosity, and positivity. I won't describe the entire story or provide spoilers, but will say that it was absolutely worth seeing! You can read more about it at this link:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4729430/

"In a world full of people, only some want to fly" (Crazy by Seal)

Sometimes you've just got to hear a song that blew you away when you first heard it. Seal's Crazy is one of those songs. Released in 1990, it sounds as new now as it did when it was first released. Terrific song......




And here are the lyrics:

Crazy

by Seal

In a church, by the face
He talks about the people going under

Only child know

A man decides after seventy years
That what he goes there for, is to unlock the door
While those around him criticize and sleep
And through a fractal on a breaking wall
I see you my friend, and touch your face again
Miracles will happen as we trip

But we're never gonna survive, unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive, unless
We are a little crazy

Crazy yellow people walking through my head
One of them's got a gun, to shoot the other one
And yet together they were friends at school
Ohh, get it, get it, get it, get it no no

If all were there when we first took the pill
Then maybe, then maybe, then maybe, then maybe
Miracles will happen as we speak

But we're never gonna survive unless
We get a little crazy
No we're never gonna survive unless
We are a little crazy
No no, never survive, unless we get a little bit

Oh, a little bit
Oh, a little bit

Oh
Oh

Amanda decides to go along after seventeen years

Oh darlin'
In a sky full of people, only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy
In a world full of people, only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy, crazy
In a heaven of people there's only some want to fly
Ain't that crazy
Oh babe, oh darlin'
In a world full of people there's only some want to fly
Isn't that crazy, isn't that crazy, isn't that crazy, isn't that crazy

But were never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy
No were never gonna to survive unless we are a little
But were never gonna survive unless, we get a little crazy
No were never gonna to survive unless, we are a little, crazy
No no, never survive unless, we get a little bit

And then you see things
The size of which youve never known before

They'll break it

Someday, only child know

Them things
The size of which youve never known before

Someday...
Someway...
Someday...
Someway...
Someday...
Someway...
Someday...

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Guy Sigsworth / Seal Samuel

Crazy lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Tratore, BMG Rights Management

Snow-covered rowan berries

The Norwegians call rowan berries, rognebær. The rognebær trees outside my office window were covered in snow this past Monday, and the snow-covered berries looked like little bells! So pretty. The birds seemed to like them too. As of Friday, the snow was gone, but for just that brief amount of time on Monday, the view of the trees was magical.

Finding our true direction

Sometimes in the waves of change we find our true direction.
--Unknown

I saw this quote recently and it struck a chord in me. During the past decade, I've been witness to more changes in my workplace than occurred during the first twenty years I've worked there. The biggest change was the merger of four separate hospitals with different work cultures into one large mega-hospital. After ten years, it is clear to most people that we may be one hospital, but that the cultures often remain as they were, with some exceptions in some departments. People often hold fast to what they know. It's safer that way.

But we know too that moving out of our comfort zones is often very good for us. We may be dragged out of our comfort zones kicking and screaming, or we may willingly leave them. Either way, we move into an unknown sphere, one that may test us, challenge us, and make us uncomfortable. And that's the point of change. It should make us uncomfortable. Feeling insecure, a bit fearful, somewhat anxious, are all parts of change. We don't want to feel those feelings, but we cannot grow or progress without them. I have discovered that situations involving change often provide answers to problems that I would not have otherwise come upon, and that is because they upend our sense of order, of what we perceive to be the right way of doing something. They force us to consider new and hitherto untested and not previously thought of ways of doing something. We find new solutions to old problems, or new solutions to problems in which we have become stuck. Or we find that we are not the people we thought we were, which should perhaps be obvious, but often is not. Life is about change, but that change is often gradual, so that we don't notice the changes that are happening to us or to those around us. We are not the same people now as we were at twenty, thirty, or forty, even if we like to think that we are. We were once single, then married, then parents. We were once students, then inexperienced employees, then managers, and then experienced employees. Some are now retirees. We may have been politically liberal as young adults, but are now more politically conservative as older adults. The point is that we are always changing and growing. Those people who resent that are often those who have a hard time adjusting to anything that threatens their status quo. The status quo can differ from person to person, but it would be safe to say that each of us can feel threatened by some change at some level, especially if that change touches some deep core part of us, a part of us that perhaps reminds us of unpleasant experiences in childhood.

After many years in the workforce, after many years of working in the lab, I now have a more administrative position in an area that makes use of my scientific background, but that is a new area for me intellectually. My current boss suggested me for this position two years ago, and I said yes to it without really knowing what it would lead to. To my surprise, I found that not only do I have aptitude for this type of work, but that I really enjoy it. I enjoy developing strategies and plans for how to create and integrate specific functions into the daily workings of a department. I enjoy interacting with leaders and with the people working on the floor who are the ones that understand the 'guts' of the organization. I can lead meetings or just participate in them; either way, I've found that I have ideas to contribute that actually get listened to. Not all of them make their way into policies in my department, but I've nevertheless contributed them. I've learned the value of diplomacy (listening to and acknowledging the validity of arguments from two or more 'sides') and of making time to listen to others (something I've been good at before, which is another aptitude that comes in handy). I can summarize meetings quickly and write a meeting report that is concise and to the point. I see the value of the dissemination of information; without that, employees grumble and complain, which will only lead to demoralization and dissatisfaction. I have drawn on my scientific background when it comes to following through on plans; scientific experiments rely on follow-through and the summing-up of the observations you've made. You must organize the data you have into a written and/or oral presentation that can be conveyed to a wider audience. After thirty years of doing that as a scientist, I can do the same in my role as coordinator. In fact, I would say that it is that experience alone that has facilitated my ability to be a coordinator.

I think I was blindsided by changes in the workplace ten or fifteen years ago, because there were too many changes at the same time, none of which were properly explained to us. The visions and strategies involved in the changes were not conveyed properly to us. Was the merger of four hospitals into one done to save money, to concentrate expertise, or to make the running of the hospital more effective? Because the outcome of the merger, according to most employees, has not led to more effectiveness or to concentration of expertise. Most employees would say that the merger has only led to higher costs, to more bureaucracy and an unnecessary increase in levels of management, and to a blurring of roles that has confused employees who wonder what is really expected of them. I would wager that these outcomes were not the intention at the outset, but they are now the reality. So it is possible that these changes were not properly planned or executed, or that the budget that should have been in place to facilitate the changes, was too small.

I am no longer afraid of change. I look forward to it now, because I know that whatever is thrown at me, I can do something with it. I am no longer uncomfortable with moving out of my comfort zone, although I do miss the comfort zone at times. I see how far I've come in the space of two years, and I am glad that I said yes to taking on a new role. Sometimes in the waves of change we really do find our true direction.

I am my parents' daughter

My parents met in the Brooklyn Public Library; my father was the head librarian and my mother was an assistant librarian. Both of them loved all things 'library', and they made sure we had a library card to loan books from an early age. We learned early on the value of books, newspapers, and magazines to provide important and enjoyable information, and we were avid readers as children. Reading was encouraged by our parents and our schools. Libraries were an important part of our childhood and teenage years. It helped that one of the most beautiful libraries I have ever seen, (if not the most beautiful)--The Warner Library in Tarrytown--was the library where we spent many a summer day looking for books to read.

My father went to his job as head librarian through the years, working for several different companies in Tarrytown and Manhattan. Our dinner table discussions were interesting; I learned a lot about the library world from listening to him, and absorbed his enthusiasm for his job. My father showed me how to use different reference books, so that I could apply to different companies for jobs after college. He knew all about the different reference books that existed. My mother kept a spotless house, not an easy task when we were children. There were places for our toys, and we were expected to keep them in those places, which made sense, because we grew up in an apartment and there wasn't much room to spread out. My mother was able to get three children out of bed, washed, dressed, fed breakfast, all by 8:15 am when we left for school. She had a sense of order and discipline, and she expected us to live according to both.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that my sense of order, my predilection for systematizing many of the things in my life--books I've read, films I've seen, Christmas card lists and lists in general, garden plans--stem from my upbringing. They are the direct result of parents who appreciated order and systems, likely due to their both being librarians. But of course genetics play a part in it too. I inherited the genes for organization and order from both my parents. I realized the other day that one of the reasons I enjoy the new role I have at work (biobank coordinator) is because it requires me to structure and organize information and procedures. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. It is a niche in which I feel comfortable. I channel my parents these days, and it's a nice reminder of how much they meant to me when I was growing up, of how important they were for the security and comfort we enjoyed. I have joined their circle, so to speak, the circle of people for whom dissemination of information, organization, and order, are desirable things.

Plums, butterflies, and bees

I took this video of the butterflies and bees in the garden at the end of August, when they were happily enjoying the plums that were rotting after having fallen to the ground from my neighbor's plum tree. They were completely wild about the plums, and the butterflies especially flew around as though they were a bit drunk. It was fun to watch them. Of course I would have preferred that the plums would not have rotted, that they would rather have been collected and used in preserves and other food items, but it was not my call because it was not my garden. But at least they provided weeks' worth of food for the butterflies and bees.

Learning about narcissistic personality disorder

Interacting with people who have narcissistic personality disorder (pathological narcissism) is unnerving and unpleasant. There really is no other way to describe it. There is little that is enjoyable in any interactions with them. I’ve been wanting to write a post about pathological narcissists for a while now, because I’ve had several brushes with them in my life thus far. You will know you’ve dealt with them when you feel abused, intimidated, and angry about it; when you feel completely manipulated (out-maneuvered) into doing something you did not want to do; when you feel angry at yourself for giving in on an issue that you wanted to stand firm on; and when you experience a sense of bewilderment concerning the outcome of a situation that on the surface seemed quite straightforward and unproblematic. Some interactions with them can quickly escalate into situations that border on craziness, where you will question your own sanity after having been privy to their borderline insanity.

Narcissistic personality disorder is rare, and perhaps that is the reason it has not been talked about much. But the time has come to throw some light on this disorder. My descriptions of a pathological narcissist, based on my unnerving and unpleasant interactions with them, are as follows: a person who has an extreme sense of entitlement and who will run roughshod over others to get what he or she thinks he or she deserves; a person who will shamelessly manipulate others to get what he or she wants; a person who harasses others without letting up until he or she gets what he or she wants (a psychologically abusive person); a person who does not understand the word ‘no’ and the importance of personal boundaries; a person who is completely indifferent to the pain and suffering of others, i.e., lacks empathy; a person who will turn on others at a moment’s notice (often in a cold rage) and pull the rug right out from under them; a person who really does not care about or love others in a real way. You may think that you can get the upper hand in terms of controlling pathological narcissists and their destructive behavior, but you cannot, much like you cannot control psychopaths. The only way you will be able to control them is to become like them; but most normal people with a healthy sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals simply cannot do this. So your best bet is to withdraw and to not engage with or enable them in any way. This requires an acute sense of awareness of how and when they manipulate others, and if you have to interact with them because they are e.g. co-workers or family members, then all the more reason for the awareness. But if you have been burned once by a pathological narcissist, your manipulation detector will be on full-blast at all times anyway, especially when dealing with that person. You cannot ever let your guard down when you are around a pathological narcissist, which is one of the reasons most normal people want nothing to do with them. You must always assume that they want something from you or that you have something that they wish to take from you, whenever they establish contact with you. You cannot ever trust them to behave fairly, kindly, or empathetically. You can trust them to behave unfairly, unkindly, or unsympathetically. There is no real relationship with them, nor should you try to pursue one. They are takers, and they rely on the fact that most normal people both give and take in equal measures. They however can come into your life, take what they want, and disrupt that balance in a very short amount of time. 

One might think that pathological narcissists would be ashamed of their manipulative behavior, but they aren’t, and that allows them to continue behaving in this way. The disorder is very difficult to treat, as are most personality disorders, because those who have them refuse to admit that they are ill. They don’t really care for or about others; they don’t care what others think about them, and this allows them to behave badly. There is no sense of guilt because they don’t see that they’ve done anything wrong so that they should feel guilty. They always blame others if things go wrong. They walk away from the suffering or destruction they’ve caused, leaving others to pick up the pieces, and I can attest to this. They are indifferent to the sufferings of others. They do not seem to be equipped with a normal sense of self-esteem and a good set of ethics and morals. 

The following are symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, reprinted from the Mayo Clinic website--https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662 ).

·         Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance

·         Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

·         Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

·         Exaggerate achievements and talents

·         Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate

·         Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people

·         Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior

·         Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations

·         Take advantage of others to get what they want

·         Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

·         Be envious of others and believe others envy them

·         Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

·         Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

The website goes on to say: At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

·         Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

·         Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

·         React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

·         Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

·         Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

·         Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection

·         Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

These symptoms describe the pathological narcissists I have had the displeasure of meeting and interacting with. Just dealing with one such person is enough for an entire lifetime. How did they get that way? Pathological narcissists were probably enabled from a very early age, of that I’m sure. As children, they were likely indulged at all turns, spoiled by their ‘well-meaning’ but rather stupid parents, given their way, told that all they did was perfect or nearly so. There has to be something pathological in the parent-child relationship; either parents are too smothering or too critical. I am sure that many such parents did not think that their children would grow up to become pathological narcissists. But it must be quite a shock for some parents to see the monsters they have created. I doubt that these children are grateful in any way to their parents; they must view them in the same way as they view others—with contempt for how easy it is to manipulate them, and how easy it is to manipulate situations that involve them. As I have stated earlier, steer clear of these types of people if you want your life to be in any way peaceful or happy, or if you want to prevent the destruction of your own life. Let the professionals deal with them. It is not worth the heartache involved to try and care about these people.  

Our Scotland adventure in photos, continued

driving through the Highlands on the way to Loch Ness 

on the Loch Ness boat approaching Urquhart Castle

Loch Ness

Urquhart Castle

Loch Ness

Loch Ness from Urquhart Castle

the Highlands

the Highlands

Dean Village