Looking back

I went through a nostalgic period around ten years ago, when I used a lot of time to sort through memories of childhood and young adulthood. It was a fairly creative time for me personally and led to my writing several books of poetry as well as several non-fiction books. My memoir about growing up in Tarrytown New York (A Town and A Valley: Growing Up in Tarrytown and the Hudson Valley: De Angelis, Paula Mary: 9798842022946: Amazon.com: Books) is my homage to a past that meant something to me personally; it was also was a reminder of a simpler time in my hometown's evolution. Tarrytown is no longer the town in which I grew up, nor would I expect it to be. But my childhood memories of it are quite alive in my heart and mind. I tap into them from time to time when I think about my parents, my family, my friends, and my old neighborhood. 

This morning, while I was getting ready for the day, I was reminded of my work past, more specifically, my experience working at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. Little did I know at that time (early 1980s) that it would change my life the way it did. Those changes were positive and far-reaching, but of course I couldn't know that at that time. I found myself thinking about my three bosses--Frank, Zbigniew, and Myron, and how much they supported and encouraged me to reach my full potential in the field of investigative cytology. It is thanks to them that I went on to pursue my doctorate in tumor biology. It is not without a tinge of wistfulness that I think of them; they have all passed away as of this writing. It's strange to think about that, that they are no longer with us. They were good men and immensely qualified professionally. I hope they know how much they meant to me, a young woman starting out in the work world. They gave me a real chance to succeed and I know that is not always the case. And I have no regrets about my work experiences with them. I can't say that about all my work experiences. I was lucky to get the start I got. There was something special about that time in my life. I would imagine all young people starting out in the work world feel that way; that their first years are formative years. They are. A good first work experience helps to shape one's later mindset about working. If the first experience is negative, it destroys trust in the future; I know several young people whose negative first work experiences destroyed their self-confidence. It took them several years to build up their self-image and to be able to trust a potential employer again. 

I don't look back too often anymore. There's far too much going on in the present time for me to dwell on what was or to miss the past. And even if I miss some aspects of the past, the pragmatic part of me knows that it's futile to focus on them. We can't go back, nor would I want to. The experiences of childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood are placed in memory and it is possible to go back to visit from time to time. My way of going back is often through music; I hear a song from those years and I am immediately transported back to those times. I know people who don't want to look back or be reminded at all of the past. That doesn't describe me, even though I wouldn't want to return to the past. The past has its place; the bad or sad things that happened then, happened. I moved on. And even if I had chosen not to 'move on', life would have moved me on anyway, whether I liked it or not.  

The slimy underbelly of everything

There is a slimy underbelly to everything. It is a consequence of our living in a fallen world. And make no mistake about it, we live in a fallen world. Random observations I've had this past week lend credence to this:

The USA is looking at re-electing a man who has cheated on his wife while she was pregnant, with a porn star and then paid said porn star hush money to keep her quiet. You can't make this stuff up. We've had philandering presidents before, but eventually they gave up trying to defend themselves and took the consequences (e.g. Bill Clinton). Imagine how social media would have crucified him when news of his affair came out? As it was, the news media did what they could to crucify him. You could wonder why these men do what they do? I'm not likely to get an answer to that question. 

The USA has a congress and a supreme court that are beholden to this man whom I call 'the mouth'. For some reason they are afraid of him. I guess because when he opens his mouth and badmouths someone, that person is cancelled for good. Bye bye political career. Hello harassment and more harassment. God bless Liz Cheney for speaking up about his bad behavior. I'd vote for her in a heartbeat. 

The USA does not have to remain a democratic country. There is nothing written anywhere that states that this is the case. I will miss my old country if it becomes an autocracy. If it becomes an autocracy due to 'the mouth', we will only have ourselves to blame. He's already talking about a third term in office. What does he think, that he'll live forever? Or will he appoint one of his children as his successor? I know what I'm praying for, but I'm keeping it a secret. It's my own underbelly.

And then there are the media reports about music moguls who abuse(d) their girlfriends and denied it, music moguls who rape(d) women and denied it, movie moguls and actors who did the same. But when the abuse shows up on a hotel surveillance video, suddenly the tune from some of these men is quite different. Men who abuse women are pathetic losers. But most importantly, they are criminals. Their behavior is criminal and they belong in jail. But of course the rich abusers will have a battery of lawyers to defend them. The rich always have a handy 'get out of jail free' card. 

The news is also filled with stories of celebrities on the verge of divorce, or those who have divorced, or those who are filing for divorce. Honestly, why do they bother getting married? Why have all these lavish over-the-top hyper-expensive weddings? What's the point? Just live together and stay out of the public eye. But that seems to be impossible for most of them due to their over-inflated egos. Stay off TikTok, X, Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, YouTube or any other social media channel that exposes your life for all to see. Is it worth it? No. Learn to be private about your private life. 

I haven't read or heard about one feminist women's group that has come out and condemned the October 7th attacks on young Israeli women who were massacred at the hands of Hamas. Not one group. Prove me wrong, people. I find this abhorrent. If these women who were raped, mutilated, murdered and beheaded by Hamas were your daughters, sisters, mothers, friends, would you step up to the plate and condemn their actions? You are allowed to condemn Hamas and also be critical of Israel's revenge war. It is possible to have two viewpoints in your heads at the same time. But of course we live in the age of woke, so you can only adhere to one way of thinking, determined by the wokers, which at the present time is anti-Israel.  

The world is a mess. There is so much violence, lying, cheating, greed, abuse, bad behavior, misery. It boggles my mind that cheaters, for example, deny their cheating when it is blatantly obvious that they have cheated. I'm thinking of a female politician in Norway who basically plagiarized over forty percent of her master's degree, and when caught, did not apologize but rather blamed everyone else around her for pointing out that fact. She didn't cheat, she said. Oh well. What would you call it then? In my day, we called it cheating. These days, no matter the crime, we must always feel sorry for the perpetrator. I don't.

I would guess the world is in need of some kind of divine intervention. But I doubt that it will be a merciful one. We don't deserve it. 

Giving back to the world

I find this quote from Ursula Le Guin to be both intriguing and comforting. I really like the idea that one can give back to the world that gave each one of us life. It's an intriguing idea, and what's comforting about it is the knowledge that we belong to something much larger than ourselves. Also that we matter to the world, even in death. 

I think that when I die, I can breathe back the breath that made me live. I can give back to the world all that I didn't do. All that I might have been and couldn't be. All the choices I didn't make. All the things I lost and spent and wasted. I can give them back to the world. To the lives that haven't been lived yet. That will be my gift back to the world that gave me the life I did live, the love I loved, the breath I breathed. 

~Ursula K. Le Guin, from her book The Other Wind 

From winter to summer, just like that

We're now in summer mode here in Oslo, even though the summer season hasn't officially begun. All it takes is a few warm days when the sun shines brightly and the temperatures hover around 70 degrees F as they have done for the past few days. That's the signal for everyone to exit their apartments in order to be outdoors. Restaurants, cafes and bars with outdoor seating are packed and the lines of people waiting to be seated are long. 

I always enjoy this time of year--May and June--because those are the months when my garden takes off. Up until around two weeks ago, we were still experiencing chilly winds and chilly temperatures. And then suddenly, whoosh, they're gone, replaced by warmer temperatures that define summer in Norway. We rarely if ever get temperatures in the 90s, nor is it very humid here. That's good in one sense, because even though summers in New York were/are warm, they could often be brutal due to the humidity that made it hard to breathe. My family and friends in NY keep me updated on the weather there, among other things. Interestingly, we've had similar unstable weather patterns this year, especially in April--some chilly and windy days, followed by warm days, then chilly again. It's rained more there than here; last year we had a very wet July and August. We'll see what this year brings. 

I worked in the garden for the entire month of April, cutting down dead plants, pruning the fruit trees, cleaning and raking. I did some planting as well (potatoes) as well as starting seeds in the greenhouse. I'm always amazed each year at the miracle that is a garden. The perennials return at the same time every year (hence their name); you see the new growth amid the dead stems that have been cut down very low. The snowdrops, crocuses, daffodils, tulips, hyacinths and forsythia make their appearance in April and usually bloom until around mid-May. The forsythia bushes are now turning green. The magnolia tree is blooming, and I see buds on my wisteria. This past week I planted my zucchini and pumpkin seedlings outdoors; so far they're doing well. Night temperatures hover a round 45 degrees F, which is fine. As long as there is no frost, they'll survive. 

Here are some recent photos of the garden. Enjoy.......

Queen Bee

I play The New York Times Spelling Bee game each day. There are a set number of words that one must find (spell) each day given the letters for that day. If you make all of the words, you achieve Queen Bee status. It's not often that happens because most of the time it's impossible to find all the words. It's happened to me only once before. And then again today. Small things make me happy as today's spelling game was difficult. 

Out In The Country by Three Dog Night

Out in the Country by Three Dog Night is one of my favorite songs of all time. When I was in high school and learning how to make short movies to music for my English class (we had a very progressive teacher who was years ahead of MTV), I chose this song to make a movie to, starring my sister. The idea was that she was a teenager in an ugly city who dreamed of being out in the country. It was a real learning experience, planning the movie, shooting it, editing it, and presenting the final version. I loved the experience, and every time I hear this song, I think of that time in my life. 

Lyrics

Whenever I need to leave it all behind

Or feel the need to get away-ay-ay

I find a quiet place, far from the human race

Out in the country

Before the breathin' air is gone

Before the sun is just a bright spot in the night-time

Out where the rivers like to run

I stand alone and take back somethin' worth rememberin'

Whenever I feel them closing in on me

Or need a bit of room to move

When life becomes too fast, I find relief at last

Out in the country

Before the breathin' air is gone

Before the sun is just a bright spot in the night-time

Out where the rivers like to run

I stand alone and take back somethin' worth rememberin'

Before the breathin' air is gone

Before the sun is just a bright spot in the night-time

Out where the rivers like to run

I stand alone and take back somethin' worth rememberin'

Before the breathin' air is gone

Before the sun is just a bright spot in the night-time

Out where the rivers like to run

I stand alone and take back somethin' worth rememberin'

Before the breathin' air is gone

Before the sun is just a bright spot in the night-time

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Paul H. Williams / Roger S. Nichols

Out in the Country lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Easy To Be Hard--Three Dog Night

With all of the insanity and inhumanity in the world now, I just had to listen to Three Dog Night's version of Easy To Be Hard, the song from the 1967 rock musical Hair. Why oh why did we grow up with music like this, music that touched our hearts and souls, music that wasn't just about money, bling, greed, revenge and violence? How could it have happened that the 1960s and 70s were such idealistic times? We know now that they weren't always so, but the songs reflected the ideals, hopes and dreams of the songwriters. They wrote about what they knew, experienced and loved--relationships, love, growing up, living in society, and making their way through life. I miss this approach to life. It's all so aggressive and in your face now. 

Lyrics

How can people be so heartless?

How can people be so cruel?

Easy to be hard

Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings

How can they ignore their friends

Easy to be proud

Easy to say no

Especially people who care about strangers

Who say care about evil and social injustice

Do you only care about the bleeding crowd

How about a needy friend

I need a friend

How can people be so heartless?

You know I'm hung up on you

Easy to give in

Easy to hold back

Especially people who care about strangers

Who care about evil and social injustice

Do you only care about the bleeding crowd

How about a needy friend?

We all need a friend

How can people be so heartless?

How can people be so cruel?

Easy to be proud

Easy to say no

You know it's e-

Easy to say no

Easy to say no

Easy to be proud

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

I know it is

Easy to say no

Easy to say no

It's easy

It's easy

Easy to say no, no, no

It's easy, it's easy, it's easy, it's easy

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Gerome Ragni / James Rado / Galt Mac Dermot

Easy to Be Hard lyrics © Emi U Catalog Inc., Channel H Productions

Living a small life

I read a short reflection today that made me think about several things. It said that we cannot shut ourselves away from the problems in the world, as much as we would like to. We cannot live small, safe, little lives away from it all, because we have to be a part of the world, we have to care about the world. That was the gist of it. I am not sure if I agree completely with this viewpoint; more about that shortly. I then thought about how the media want us to live our daily lives. They would like nothing better than that we lurch from one (media-created) crisis to another. There are enough real crises in the world without the media adding to them. But clickbait and ratings decide everything. 

Given the two different aspects mentioned above, I got to thinking about why I don't want to immerse myself wholeheartedly in the world's problems. Overall, some of them are more major than others, but what they have in common is that they swirl about in a cesspool, a cesspool of crime, greed, violence, brutality, corruption, hatred, cynicism, apathy--the list is long. And the media is happy to report every little aspect of it. Ad nauseam. Why would a person want to voluntarily immerse himself or herself in this cesspool each day? What does it do to one's psyche? The psychological effect cannot be good. 

Most of us live small, safe, little lives, away from the limelight. Most of us in fact shy away from the limelight, from public attention, from being scrutinized and dissected by the media. Having said that, I do admire anyone who genuinely wants to help society by becoming a politician. He or she knows from the get-go what they're in for. Politics is not for the fainthearted. But by and large, the majority of us will never experience such media scrutiny. By choice. 

So I don't agree that there is something wrong with wanting to live a small little life. One cannot make a blanket assumption that because a person's life is small, that he or she has not done something that counts here in this world. If that person has lived a good life, has been kind to others and to animals, has raised (or helped to raise) a family, has worked and contributed his or her talents, that should count toward the overall evaluation of his or her life. We who are outside that life cannot be the judge of how that life was lived. 

A small little life gives room for reflection, for peace, for quiet, for figuring out what is and what is not important. Lurching from one crisis to the next will not solve anything, will not provide the needed time for reflection. There is nothing wrong with wanting a small life. But whether life is big or small, it is never safe all the time, and it is futile to try to desperately keep it safe. Life is filled with risks that we must take in order to grow as individuals. They may not always lead down happy paths or safe ones. Life is also filled with personal crises; no one escapes. Some of those crises may force us out into the larger world; some may make us retreat even more from the world. I know people who have had debilitating neurological illnesses who preferred to retreat from the world. They felt that they had nothing to offer it anymore. In fact, they did, but their choices had to be respected. They did what they felt was best for them and their families. 

We are almost midway through an election year, a year that promises to be a chaotic one news-wise. Knowing this in advance, many of us are planning how to keep the media wolves at bay. How to keep them from invading our lives and homes. I understand that people want to do this. I want to do it too. 

Interesting viewpoint from Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski wrote this poem about rising early versus sleeping late.....

Throwing Away the Alarm Clock

my father always said, “early to bed and
early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy
and wise.”

it was lights out at 8 p.m. in our house
and we were up at dawn to the smell of
coffee, frying bacon and scrambled
eggs.

my father followed this general routine
for a lifetime and died young, broke,
and, I think, not too
wise.

taking note, I rejected his advice and it
became, for me, late to bed and late
to rise.

now, I’m not saying that I’ve conquered
the world but I’ve avoided
numberless early traffic jams, bypassed some
common pitfalls
and have met some strange, wonderful
people

one of whom
was
myself—someone my father
never
knew.

Dreaming of the garden

My latest poem--Dreaming of the Garden, copyright 2024 by Paula Mary De Angelis. All rights reserved.  

Last night
I dreamed of the garden
of its simple beauty 
that greets me 
when I arrive there 
early in the morning
when no one is there
except me

Crocuses and snowdrops
await me
along with honeybees
that have discovered both
buzzing from flower to flower
in the sun that warms them 
and me for a few afternoon hours

Yesterday I happened upon
a little robin 
singing his heart out
loud and clear and unafraid
to anyone who would listen
I listened 
because he had something of importance to tell me
it’s spring and he wants a mate

I dream of my garden
a sanctuary, a place of worship
one with the divine 
perhaps by design
miracles happening before 
my eyes, wondrous
watching the ground for signs of life
feeling my soul align
with the miracles before me

I sleep and then I dream
of a garden that I create
anew each year 
in line with a kind of
divine design
my hands guided by a light
that has been there for centuries 
serenity

On walking

Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Everyday, I walk myself into a state of well-being and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, and the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right. 

~Søren Kierkegaard

I try to get out to walk each day, and usually manage a couple of miles a day. I have my favorite routes; one of them is to walk around Sant Hanshaugen park, which is a lovely park not far from where we live. Other routes are along the Akerselva river--both north and south. Sometimes I just walk down to my garden and back; I've taken to having my phone in my pocket as I work in the garden and walk around it. You'd be surprised how much walking I do just in the garden. 

My mother was a great walker, and was well-known in Tarrytown for that. Many people used to stop and offer her rides home from the grocery store, but she politely declined. For her, getting out each day for her walk was a lifesaver. It gave her some needed free time, time for herself. I think she must have enjoyed that--getting some free quiet time away from the hustle and bustle of family life. Sometimes she let us children tag along if we begged her long enough, but most times not. And that was ok with us, as she always returned with candy or comic books for us to enjoy. 

I haven't always been a walker. I became one in earnest about fifteen years ago, when I decided that having to sit each workday in a shared cramped office was no longer what I wanted to do. I started to end my workdays around 3:30 or 4:00 pm and left work early to walk home. A two-mile walk. I would put my headphones on and listen to music on my phone. Doing this was great training, and started me down the road of wanting to be outdoors whenever I could. It's one of the reasons I dislike winter intensely in this city, as I've written about in previous posts. It's very difficult to get out and walk when the sidewalks are sheets of ice. If they weren't, I might like winter a little more. 

Whenever I am on vacation in a new place, I get out and walk around. My husband enjoys this too, so we have explored many new cities this way. As long as I can be mobile, I'm happy. I don't need to ski, go to the gym, or any other such thing. If I can walk each day, I'm happy. I agree with Søren Kierkegaard; I begin to feel ill if I can't get out for my walk. The cure is free--walking. I've become my mother, at least in that respect. 

The daily struggle

Rather apt in these strange times, from Pearls Before Swine. The dilemma--how to remain a decent person in the midst of the idiocy that accosts us each day. Always a struggle. 

The surreal world we live in

Holy Week for Christians starts on Palm Sunday (one week before Easter Sunday) and ends on Holy Saturday; it includes Holy Thursday and Good Friday, and is certainly not considered to be a happy week. Easter Sunday, which celebrates the resurrection of Christ, is a joyful day. 

Donald Trump has come out and wished Christians a 'happy holy week'. If he knew anything about Christianity, he'd know that it is not a happy week. He used the occasion to hawk the bible he is selling. Not just any bible, mind you, but a 'God Bless the USA' bible: Donald Trump is selling a 'God Bless the USA' Bible for $60 : NPR. Sixty dollars for a bible. It must be quite a special bible. The money earned from sales will go where? Into his pockets of course. The man is in desperate need of money as it turns out. What better way to make money than to prey on the consciences and faith of his followers. 

I don't get it. I really just don't get it. What is it going to take for people to see DT for what he is? Or don't his followers care? It is impossible that some of them don't care. They do, and they vote for him anyway. I know that God has used murderers and unsavory types to do his will way back when, but they saw the error of their ways, converted first and followed him (consider the life of St. Paul, who persecuted the early Christians before he converted and joined them). I don't see DT doing this. He isn't following God, he thinks he is God. Or he thinks he's been sent from God to save the USA. It's pathetic. 

We are headed down a slippery slope toward a future that no one will find appealing. Absolutely no one, not even DT's followers eventually. When they finally have to admit that they've been hoodwinked by a huckster, a con artist, a self-serving salesman. As the old saying goes, there's a sucker born every minute. Unfortunately. 

The world we live in

 A little humor to brighten your day from one of my favorite comic strips--Non Sequitur.......

Book promotion

It's time again for some book promotion. It's a necessary part of being a writer, whether you've published via a publishing house or gone the self-publishing route. From what I understand, many writers who have published their books via large publishing houses find themselves in the same predicament as me--having to promote their books themselves. Publishing houses require it. So even though some of the downsides of self-publishing are that you have to wear all of the job hats yourself, it heartens me to know that had I published in a traditional fashion, I'd still be expected to promote my books. I've learned quite a bit by publishing my books myself, being responsible for, with some few exceptions--writing, editing, designing a book cover (I've gotten excellent help with that), publishing on a digital platform (the excellent Kindle Direct Publishing platform), book marketing and promotion. I've run ads for my books using Amazon and Facebook; I also have a Books by Paula M De Angelis Facebook page. I've also exhibited one of my books at the international annual Frankfurt Book Fair held in Germany. I have a website as well as this blog, and I use both to give updates about my books. 

The first book that I ever published has been the one that has sold the most of all of the books that I've published. The subject matter--passive aggressive leaders--clearly struck a nerve with many readers. It sold very well for a first-time author, from all of the articles I've read about what one can expect to earn from a first book. So that was and still is encouraging. 

My Amazon Author Page: Amazon.com: Paula M. De Angelis: books, biography, latest update

My blog: A New Yorker in Oslo (paulamdeangelis.blogspot.com)

My website: PM De Angelis - Updates (paulamdeangelis.com)

To my many readers who read this blog each day, thank you for your support. Please check out my books; you won't be disappointed.