Outdoors in the snow

It’s been snowing for the past few days in Oslo and there has been a fair amount of accumulation—about a foot or more in some places. The snow is dry and powdery, not wet and heavy, so it’s perfect for skiing but not for building a snowman. That’s what Mara and I discovered when we decided to spend part of our lunchtime today making a snowman. I bought a bag of carrots so that we could use one for its nose, and some chocolate balls for the eyes and mouth. We weren’t quite sure where we were going to build it—around the corner from our lab building was one idea. So it was somewhat disappointing to not be able to build a snowman because the snow wouldn’t pack well. We ended up taking a walk instead. It was snowing a bit and it was really nice to be outdoors.

Don’t ask me to explain what has happened, but the woman who doesn’t really like the cold and the snow has discovered that she ‘kinda sorta’ likes them this year. Strangely enough, it’s not difficult to admit it. I like being out in the cold air where I can breathe. I like walking outside when it is snowing, especially at night when the falling snow glitters in the lights from the streetlamps. Walking anywhere these days is pleasant—because it’s freedom. I have also discovered that I can run in the snow with really good boots (that grip the snow)—I finally own a pair and it’s a whole new world. I’m not slipping and sliding like I used to. Walking along the Akerselva river after it has snowed is very pleasant. I haven’t cross-country skied in years after hurting my back some years ago, but I think I want to try that again. Anything that gets my body moving and outdoors. It’s one reason I really don’t like going to the gym anymore. The machines are fine for training, but I miss training and being outdoors and breathing in the fresh air. I read an article recently that said much the same—that people who trained derived much greater benefit from training outdoors than they did from being in a gym. It makes sense to me. The snow makes me feel like a kid again—I would love to grab a sleigh and go sledding, build a snowman, make angels in the snow, run and walk and throw snowballs (I do that already with my husband), build a fort like we did when we were kids, and so much more. Or I’d like to find my little haven of peace under the snow-laden branches of the trees like I did when I was a kid—sit under them protected, away from the world at large, and just enjoy the peace. I’m definitely going to do some of these things. So if you see angels in the snow somewhere, they might just be made by me—“of the angels”. And I have a feeling we'll definitely get a chance to build at least one snowman this winter. 

Dreams and goals

The holiday season is like a cocoon that I wrap myself in from about mid-December until the beginning of January. I feel safe during that time, protected, happy in a way that I remember from childhood. It’s a good feeling. It has to do with harmony, peace, family, good times, and feeling free (not working). It’s the feeling I try to hang onto once I go back to work and the routines of daily life, because once back, I’m forced to emerge from the protective cocoon. A new year has many possibilities. I’m hoping 2011 will be a good year, a year of possibilities and opportunities. Already today, there were two potential consulting opportunities that came my way and I acted on both of them. They were not advertised as such but I took the initiative to ask about the possibility of working as a consultant. The first opportunity had to do with working on an editorial team for a newsletter published by a scientific association to which I belong. They wanted someone to work for free and considering the amount of work involved, it wasn’t worth getting involved in even though it would have been a good learning experience. The other has to do with providing research services/help in various forms to scientists, e.g. literature searches, manuscript preparation, and so on. This was an idea I had some years ago and that actually led to some consultant work. However, I did not pursue the idea of having my own consulting firm at that time because I did not have enough experience as a consultant. I have it now. So perhaps I can join forces with this organization in some way. Time will tell. I thought it was interesting that my first day back at work, there were two possibilities. And where there are two, there will be more. I’ve got to stay positive and not let myself get dragged down into the doldrums again by my current workplace. That’s easier said than done but I will try.

I had a conversation today with a good friend at work about honesty, among other things. It was not a long conversation, but it got me thinking about honesty in life, in work and in relationships. It’s good to be around people who are good for you. They will confront you in a kind way and they encourage honesty. The operative word in my book is ‘kind’. Honesty implies intimacy and trust; it’s not possible to be honest without them, and they can only emerge and grow in an atmosphere of kindness. Kind people are not preachy nor do they make you feel guilty. It’s freeing to be in their company. They listen without (much) judgment and they don’t need to talk just about themselves. They can be happy for others and they don’t like to play games. I try to be this way to people I love and care about so it’s nice when I feel like I am the recipient of it too. It’s always disheartening to be rammed emotionally by passive aggressive people—people who attack in a way that blindsides me—whether it be to try to make me feel guilty about something or to attack me because they cannot attack the person or persons they really want to attack. But I digress a bit. I realized today that I have dreams and goals (e.g. retiring early), and that I am shaping my life to make them a reality. Even if I stay in my current job, I am clear about my motivations for staying. I need to save as much money as possible to make my dreams and goals come true. I never worked solely with the aim of making money before, believe it or not, so this is something new for me. I don’t mean to imply that I haven’t paid attention to my earnings through the years and whatnot, because I have, but my work life hasn’t been driven by making big money. So it’s interesting that if I was to be completely honest with myself at this time in my life, I am more interested in money now and in being paid well for the work I do, because I have specific goals and dreams. It is exhilarating to realize this.

So what will I do if I retire early? I know already that I won’t be bored. I definitely want to do volunteer work of some sort. I want to spend more time reading, I want to do consulting work, I want to write, to pursue photography, to travel a bit, to spend more time with the people I love and care about. I want to have a more spontaneous social life—invite friends in for coffee and not have to plan everything down to the last little detail. I want to bike and run and be outdoors a lot. In other words, I want to enjoy my freedom after over forty years (by that time) spent in the prison of the work world. If my husband retires at the same time, we’ll be two doing these things instead of one. Working is a means to an end. I’ve said it in earlier posts—but it bears repeating—work to live, don’t live to work. And let it reward you monetarily as well as intellectually. Don’t fall into the trap of working solely for the intellectual benefit and struggling for years on end. It’s possible to combine the two. Don’t accept impossible or unrewarding conditions for too long. That would be my advice to younger people if asked. 

Some wise words concerning New Year's resolutions

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
John Burroughs

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
F.M. Knowles

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's.
Henry Moore

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Anaïs Nin

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate

Welcome 2011!

Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy New Year! I hope that 2011 will be a memorable year for all those things that bring joy and peace into our lives. And I wish that for the world as well. There has been too much conflict, too much death, too much war, and not enough peace and joy. 

I don't think I will miss 2010 even though there were some happy and memorable times. It was one of those years that stand apart from the others. 1985 was one of those years for me. They are challenging years, educational in their own way, but the process of learning comes at a cost. This year was incredibly frustrating, confusing and disappointing. I am not quite sure yet what I lost this year, but work problems took their toll and I think that has led to a widespread disillusion with the academic work world. That in and of itself would have been such a terrible thing for me to admit ten years ago, that I was disillusioned with my career and my work. Now it is not. But it is a tough thing to let go of--that intense love of work that I used to have--actually sad in many ways. A small grieving process in terms of letting go of the way I used to look at my work. I am not sure a new job would do the trick for me anymore, because I have become so skeptical about academia and the research world in general. However, my consulting work for the university library (Live, Kirsten and Liz) and for Liiv-MD (Bernadette), were the high points of this work year. Without them, I would surely have slid into a real depression in reaction to my work life. These jobs challenged me and got me thinking in new ways, and helped me to rediscover the joy of immersing myself in work and new projects. They also made me realize that I could leave academia and not look back. I wouldn't miss it very much. So that's a good realization, as well as knowing that I let something new into my life, in a non-traditional way. I broke my own mold and that was good for me.

The happy times were spent with family and friends, both here in Norway and in NY. Some of the highpoints of this year were seeing Pat Metheny in concert, Birgitte’s PhD defense and dinner afterwards, Caroline and Marius’ wedding, a relaxing summer vacation with Trond, and my trip to NY in August and seeing all my wonderful friends and family there. Those times are precious to me--treasures in my heart. Those times are what life is really all about, or what I want my life to be mostly about, and they are what I want more of as I get older. The sadness of this year was the passing of my colleague and friend Liza right before Christmas. Although we (her colleagues and friends) knew it could happen at any time since she was quite sick, when it did, it happened so fast and it made me realize again how unpredictable life is. We don't always have time to get our lives in order and to say goodbye. We cannot and should not take life for granted, and we should try to live each day in the best way possible. Not always easy to do or to remember, but well-worth thinking about. I say this mostly to remind myself to do that.

My one New Year’s resolution, if I was going to make one, would probably be to complain less about my workplace (if that is possible). I will certainly try. I imagine it will go like this though—I will want to complain, but will put a lid on it. Then I’ll go buy a punching bag to take out my frustrations, and who knows, that may help to get me into better physical shape. Or I’ll buy a dart board and hang it on the inside of my office door. Tossing a few darts at the board may help me feel better. In any case, I’m definitely going to try to deal with my workplace frustrations, and otherwise make the best of my life outside of work, which is most important.

For Auld Lang Syne, my friends

The end of this year and the beginning of a new year are upon us, and for the sake of old times I want to honor the memories of those who passed on recently and of those who left us years ago. You are not and never will be forgotten.

I am reminded of the movie When Harry Met Sally when a new year is right around the corner. The ending of the movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes, because when Harry finally realizes that he wants to be with Sally for the rest of his life, he is overwhelmed with a sense of urgency to get to her. How often does that happen to us? To know that feeling--that sense of urgency-- when you want to change your life or some part of it, and you’d like it to happen NOW. Except that sometimes God and the universe have other plans and the changes take much longer than you’d like. Confucius said “Every journey starts with a single step.” Our lives are our journeys if we want them to be. They can be long journeys if we’re lucky. We can choose to really live our lives, to be present to ourselves and for others, to step up to the plate, to take responsibility, to live now, to honor the past because it gave us our identity and to respect the future because it is an unknown entity. It’s scary to take the first step sometimes. It’s easier to stay put on the couch in front of the TV rather than to stand up and move out of the passivity that may have become part of our lives. I’ve written about that so many times this past year probably because it was an important realization for me. I got off my couch. I stopped watching TV in a mindless way, flipping from one channel to another in a vapid attempt to find something meaningful to watch. I stopped asking it to give meaning to my life. Making the journey means wanting to be active participants in our own lives. It means being aware and conscious and alive, and willing to be all those things. It’s important because if we don’t choose against passivity, we hand over the reins to others to control us and that is not an attractive option at all, at least to me. I have become preoccupied with this because it could happen that our freedoms could be taken away from us if we are not aware of their value to our lives. That thought scares me.

Writing this blog has helped me become an active participant in my own life. It has given me back my voice and shown me what is important to me for the rest of my life. It has opened new roads and ways into my heart and soul and mind. It has also helped me unearth long-buried memories that were waiting to be revealed. It is amazing what we store away and how much we forget. Writing unlocks many doors; some of them open into rooms of sadness, others open into rooms of light and hope. For old times’ sake, I honor all my memories and all of the people who helped make those memories together with me. Some of them are sad, others joyful, but they define me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The ending of a year is always a bit poignant, but also hopeful because we move into a new year full of possibilities. I think I have finally understood (after many years) that there really are several possible outcomes to one specific event, not just one, and that we can often choose our response. Just that thought gives me a sense of exhilaration and freedom that I haven’t experienced in a while. I wish that sense of exhilaration and freedom for my friends, family, for those reading this blog, and for the world in general. I hope that 2011 brings hope to those who have not known hope for many years. I hope too that we find grace in our lives and in the things we do and that we realize that we do have a choice, a voice and the means at our disposal to make a difference in the world. 

Another favorite Christmas song

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)

(Music and lyrics by Torme and Wells—1946)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,

Jack Frost nipping at your nose,

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,

And folks dressed up like Eskimos.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,

Help to make the season bright.

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,

Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way;

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.

And every mother's child is going to spy,

To see if reindeer really know how to fly.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,

To kids from one to ninety-two,

Although it’s been said many times, many ways,

Merry Christmas to you.

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This song reminds me of trips to New York City at Christmastime when we were children. It was not an annual tradition, but we did manage a few trips as a family as I remember. We would take the train from Tarrytown to Grand Central Station in Manhattan and then walk down 5^th Avenue to 37^th Street to see the storefront window at Lord &Taylor’s. It always had a spectacular Christmas display of one kind or another; folks lined up to walk past it with their children. It fascinated us as kids. We also would go and see the big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, watch the skaters on the rink in front of the tree, and stop into St. Patrick’s Cathedral nearby to light a candle. What I also remember (also thanks to this song) are the street vendors who sold roasted chestnuts. My father would buy a bag of them and share them with us. I don’t remember that I liked them very much, but he did and that was fine. They always smelled so good, especially in the cold winter air and it was nice to hold the warm bag of chestnuts and feel the warmth through my gloves. But it was the sights and sounds of Manhattan at Christmastime that I remember too. And even as a young adult when I worked in Manhattan, the Christmas storefront displays, the glittering trees, the streetlights and Christmas lights hung up, Trump Tower with its big wreaths—all of it has stayed in my mind—glittering with the splendor of the season. 

Christmas music and memories

Listening to the classic songs and carols that I grew up with is one of the things I really love about the Christmas season. With each year that passes, they become more important to me, I guess because they link me to my past as well as to my present. The way I prepare for and celebrate Christmas is strongly influenced by my memories of growing up as well as by the different people I’ve come into contact with through the years who have shared their Christmas traditions and favorite songs with me. As with films having to do with Christmas, I have my favorite Christmas songs and albums. I’ve already posted the lyrics to some of my favorite songs in previous posts. Interestingly, the I-Tunes store is having a ’12 Days of Christmas’ promotion until January 6th—customers can download one free song per day until that time. I’ve decided that I am going to download twelve different Christmas songs and put together my own collection of songs.

One of the earliest Christmas albums I can remember listening to as a young child was called Christmas in Italy. It had a picture on the LP cover that completely fascinated me as a child. I have a tape recording of the album but would love to get a hold of the LP. I actually found a link to the album on Etsy that shows the cover: http://www.etsy.com/listing/60305492/christmas-in-italy-natale-in-italia, but the LP had already been sold. The cover shows two Italian children seated at a dining room table on which different foods, fruit, cake and wine had been laid out—an Italian Christmas feast. Their grandmother was serving them. The large high cake on the table appears to be a panettone, which is a fragrant-smelling and tasting Italian cake that my parents used to buy each year at Macy’s department store and that we ate for breakfast on Christmas Day. Panettones were always imported from Italy as far as I can remember; they appear to have come from many different regions in Italy. I still buy a panettone each year at Christmas. It’s not difficult to find them in Oslo. But back to the album—it is one of my favorites from childhood; the children talk in Italian in between the songs, and I always remember at some point that it sounded like they said my sister’s name, Renata. That somehow made it even more special.

Another favorite album is a collection of Christmas songs and carols sung by The Singers Unlimited. I got the LP as a gift from one of the doctors I used to work with at Memorial Sloan-Kettering back in the 1980s. It was one of his family’s favorites and he knew I would like it, so he bought it for me one Christmas. You can now buy it as a CD on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Singers-Unlimited/dp/B0000046J8. What makes it special is that the entire album (from 1972) was recorded ‘a capella’, without instruments, and The Singers Unlimited (a well-known jazz group) add their own special touch to all the songs they sing—jazzy vocals, interesting harmonies, lovely arrangements. Well-worth owning.

In later years I’ve acquired other collections of Christmas music that have joined the ranks of my favorites: A Windham Hill Christmas (II), Andrea Bocelli’s Christmas album (wonderful), A King’s College Christmas (British), Christmas with the Academy and Chorus of St. Martin in the Fields (British), and A Charlie Brown Christmas (lovely Christmas songs performed by the Vince Guaraldi trio). We also have a well-worn recording of the music by Tchaikovsky from The Nutcracker ballet. Attending the Nutcracker ballet each year is an annual Christmas tradition in our house that started in 1993 with a visit to the Metropolitan Ballet Theatre in Manhattan, and which we’ve kept up with in later years here in Oslo at The Norwegian Opera and Ballet.

I like celebrating Christmas in Europe; it lasts for more than just one day. You get a chance to enjoy the season and the holiday from the day before Christmas and for at least the week afterwards. The holiday is not over on December 26^th.  And that is how we grew up, since that is how my parents celebrated the holiday. Our Christmas tree stayed up until the Epiphany on January 6^th. Our tree now stays up even longer. The celebration of Christmas rounds out the year and prepares me for the coming of a new year. It is not about and never will be about materialism and commercialism for me. It is a celebration of the traditions, rituals, memories and spirit of the season and gift-giving is a part of that. But it is all the other things—the songs, films, preparation of food, going to church, and visiting family and friends, that make it what it is—a joyful, holy, special and sometimes sad time of year. I remember and miss those who are no longer with us—like my parents—but I know they are with me in spirit because I feel their presence during the holidays, and that is comforting. I understand the value and importance of traditions much more now that I am older; they keep you rooted to your past and give you a sense of identity in the present and that is a good thing. 

A beautiful Norwegian Christmas song--A Star is Shining Tonight

We sang this song tonight at the Christmas service at the nearby Protestant church—Iladalen Kirke. The Oslo Gospel Choir sings a nice version of it and you can find it here on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ilTwan9A8M.

EN STJERNE SKINNER I NATT     (Eivind Skeie / Tore Aas)

Nå er den hellige time

Vi står i stjerneskinn

Og hører klokkene kime

Nå ringes julen inn

Refr.:

Englene synger høyt i kor

Synger om fred på vår jord

Verden var aldri helt forlatt

En stjerne skinner i natt

En nyfødt kjærlighet sover

Nå er Guds himmel nær

Vår lange vandring er over

Stjernen har stanset her

Refr.: Englene synger .......

Se himlen ligger og hviler

På jordens gule strå

Vi står rundt krybben og smiler

For vi er fremme nå

Refr.: Englene synger .......

               

Her kan vi drømme om den fred

Som vi skal eie engang

For dette barn har himlen med

Og jorden fylles med sang

                          

Refr.: Englene synger.......

--------------------------------------------------------

(My best attempt at an English translation)

A STAR IS SHINING TONIGHT    (Eivind Skeie / Tore Aas)

The holy hour has now come
We stand in the light of stars

And listen to the clocks that chime
Ringing in Christmastime.

Refrain:
A choir of angels is loudly singing

Singing about peace on earth
The world was never completely forsaken

A star is shining tonight.

A newborn love is sleeping
God's heaven is now near
Our long journey is over
The star has stopped here.
      

Refrain: A choir of angels .......

See how heaven lies in rest

Upon the Earth's yellow hay

We stand around the manger and smile
Now we have found our way.
      

Refrain: A choir of angels .......
           
Here we can dream of the peace
That we will one day own
For this child has heaven with him
And the earth is filled with song
                      
Refrain: A choir of angels .......

Oh Christmas Tree

Despite the difficulties and sadness of this past year (especially during the past few weeks), I am looking forward to Christmas, perhaps in part because of the difficulties and sadness. There has to be something joyful to look forward to. I know that there is—my faith tells me to wait and be patient. My heart and soul want the peace and joy of this Christmas season, and if I let them in they will take root there. I’ve opened the doors and am letting in the light of Christmas.

Setting up our Christmas tree always helps make the house a peaceful haven. I have old and new Christmas ornaments and they all have their turns on the tree. Each ornament has a history—one was a gift from a friend, one I bought at a Christmas store in San Francisco, another is from my mother, another from the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, and so forth. I remember how I got each one of them because it is my personal history dating back to when I was a teenager and started to buy or receive them. I collect Christmas tree ornaments and Christmas angels of all kinds. I love sitting in the dark with the lit and decorated Christmas tree in front of me. It’s peaceful in an indescribable way. I can remember back to when I was a child. I felt the same way then. I also remember being outdoors in the deep snow and finding a snow-laden evergreen tree, branches hanging down nearly to the ground. When they did that they created a kind of ‘cave’ to sit in—where I would sit and contemplate the peace around me. It never felt lonely to do that. I felt protected by the peace of the snow and the tree.

Each year my husband and I have the same conversation when we go to buy our tree—how big it should be and how high it should be, etc. He pushes somewhat for a smaller tree each year, whereas I still want a larger tree. We always end up with a tall medium-sized tree that has enough branch room to hang a fair amount of ornaments.  Maybe when we’re older we’ll go for a smaller tree, but for now, it’s nice with a larger one. It fills one area of our living room. My friend in upstate NY has a large tree this year as well; her husband dragged it from the car into the house commenting all the way that it was too big. I guess this must be a man thing—to comment on the size of the trees and to complain (a little bit) in general—or register some skepticism? But our tree is big this year—I used twenty-five feet of garland to decorate it (wrapping around the tree). That’s much more than I usually use.

Anyway, I am posting some photos of our tree and some ornaments. Enjoy! Have a joyful and peaceful Christmas! Take some time to sit with the tree……..

 

 

Christmas album by Kurt Nilsen

I'm guessing that this is the album on which the Norwegian singer Kurt Nilsen's NRK1 Christmas program tonight was based. If so, I can't wait to buy it. He has a wonderful voice--never misses a note. He performed a lot of Christmas classics, many of them American and of course that won my heart. He also performed the lovely song 'Walking in the Air' from the film The Snowman, which is a very touching little film.

According to YouTube, the album was released in mid-November. It includes the songs: The Christmas Song, Let It Snow, Baby It's Cold Outside, Himmel på jord, When You Wish Upon A Star, Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Winter Wonderland, Gje Meg Handa Di Venn, Walking In The Air, Nå Tennes Tusen Julelys, Stjernesludd, White Christmas and Auld Lang Syne. Stjernesludd is a Dum Dum Boys song--blew me away, especially with the children's choir as accompaniment (here is the YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juajvkj71kc).

(I checked iTunes on January 2, 2011 and the album is now available for sale).

And one more great Christmas classic--Winter Wonderland

(How often we heard this song as children and loved it--my mother used to sing it along with us when we listened to it on the record player. I always remember the part about the snowman best--that he was Parson Brown--it stuck in my head, I don't know why. Amazing to think that it was written in 1934 by Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith and that it is a Christmas classic all these years later. Kurt Nilsen sang this song tonight as well. He did such a great job tonight with his Christmas show on NRK1). 
------------------------------------------
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,
Here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song,
As we go along,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
Until the other kids knock him down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Walking in a winter wonderland,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

(I heard the Norwegian singer Kurt Nilsen perform this Christmas song tonight--one of my all-time favorites. There is a melancholy feel to the song--beautiful and poignant. It seemed to me to be a wartime song, perhaps from WWII, so I checked its history on Wikipedia. Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane wrote the song. The song was not written as a wartime song but was rather introduced and sung by Judy Garland in the musical 'Meet Me in St. Louis' in 1944. Garland's recorded version of the song was popular among the troops at that time).  

-----------------------------------

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay
From now on our troubles will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of Yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more

Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

A poem about death by Rainer Maria Rilke

On Hearing Of A Death 

We lack all knowledge of this parting. Death
does not deal with us. We have no reason
to show death admiration, love or hate;
his mask of feigned tragic lament gives us


a false impression. The world's stage is still
filled with roles which we play. While we worry
that our performances may not please,
death also performs, although to no applause.


But as you left us, there broke upon this stage
a glimpse of reality, shown through the slight
opening through which you disappeared: green,
evergreen, bathed in sunlight, actual woods.


We keep on playing, still anxious, our difficult roles
declaiming, accompanied by matching gestures
as required. But your presence so suddenly
removed from our midst and from our play, at times


overcomes us like a sense of that other
reality: yours, that we are so overwhelmed
and play our actual lives instead of the performance,
forgetting altogether the applause.

This is for Liza Kravik, rest in peace.

A year of loss

We are approaching the end of 2010. This has been a year of loss. Losing a colleague and a friend to cancer has been the hardest loss, because we watched her disappear slowly from our lives over a number of years, but this year was especially tough because the changes in her were most pronounced. It is surreal when I think that we will never see her again. That will be the hardest to deal with, especially after the holidays are over and everyone goes back to their normal work routines. But the other losses were also gradual, just that they did not involve the loss of people directly. Those losses had more to do with general life things, like the loss of illusions (beliefs?) about life and work in general. I have not lost hope in the future however even if at times it seemed that way. My beliefs that there is justice in the world, that people want to work for justice, that nice people can get a break, that politicians want the best for their constituents, and that power doesn’t have to corrupt (and absolute power doesn’t have to corrupt absolutely) have been fairly well-shaken; I don’t know if I have lost these beliefs though. I hope not. But I am disillusioned. I have watched people at work gain power and change overnight—and not necessarily for the better. They gave up their moral values in their quest for power. I have watched other people lose their self-esteem and confidence after being treated badly or unfairly by some people in power. I have struggled with confidence issues myself after having been treated unfairly by my union leader. Other people I know have lost their jobs, followed by their confidence and belief in themselves. They don’t ask too much from life anymore and that is sad to me too. They have been beaten down. I hope they rise again but much of that is dependent on how the future treats them. Some people don’t rise again; my grandfather was one of them. He lost his drugstore during the Great Depression and he never recovered emotionally or psychologically. He gave up on himself and gave up hoping in the future, with unfortunate consequences for his wife and children. Life doles out portions of injustice and misery at times to us all. We never can really know when those times will happen, just that they do. Sometimes it is loss of health, or serious illness or death in the family, sometimes it is loss of employment, other times loss of money or material goods due to the economy, accidents or natural disasters. Whatever the cause, loss comes to us all and it is a painful life lesson.