Quotes about friendship

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

--Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

--Marcel Proust

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.

--Henri Nouwen

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

--Albert Schweitzer

I cannot even imagine where I would be today were it not for that handful of friends who have given me a heart full of joy. Let's face it, friends make life a lot more fun.

--Charles R. Swindoll

So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.

--Helen Keller

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else.

--Len Wein

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

--Anais Nin

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.

--Thomas Aquinas

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

--Octavia Butler

Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams.

--Henry David Thoreau

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

--Walter Winchell

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.

--Laurence J. Peter

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.

--Plautus

Thinking about the future and retirement when you are young

I’m always a bit surprised by what people respond to on social media sites. I am a rather infrequent commenter myself on social media; it takes a lot to get me to write a pithy response to an online article that I found provocative, timely or interesting. If something strikes me as inherently kind or compassionate, I may write a short note praising the writer for his or her insights and empathy. This past week I read a very short but good article on the Care2 website that dispensed some good advice on how to stop wasting money and to think about the future (http://www.care2.com/greenliving/top-6-ways-we-all-waste-money-and-how-to-stop.html). I thought the article was well-written enough to comment on, and this is what I wrote:

Very good tips. If I could emphasize one thing, it would be this. Think about retirement when you are young and starting out in the work world. It's never too soon to start saving your own money toward retirement.

The Care2 community likes to deal out what it calls Green Stars of Appreciation, and I got quite a few for this little comment (notification by email). All well and good. What struck me was that this way of thinking is perhaps not so widespread as you might think. When I worked at different American workplaces in the 1980s, there was always the requisite orientation day that included presentations of 401K plans and IRAs and that sort of thing, so we were in fact briefly introduced to the topic of retirement. But it wasn’t ‘emphasized’ to think ahead, to sock away as much as possible so that you had a good nest egg for when you were older. And when you’re young, you think you’ll be young forever, so you don’t save as much as you should toward retirement. I asked several people, all of whom are middle-aged like me, whether they had been encouraged to save for retirement when they were young and starting out in the work world. The answer was unanimously ‘no’, and that’s true for me as well. Several of those I talked to wished that it had been hammered into them—save for retirement no matter what.

I make it a point to tell the young people I know to save a lot toward retirement when they’re young. Think income, promotions and salary raises. Look out for yourself. I say this to young women especially, but the advice is relevant for young men as well. Why? When you are young, work matters a lot, in fact, identity becomes wrapped up in one’s work. You love your job and you think you will want to work forever. You don’t consider any other possibility. And the world around you is telling you ‘don't play it safe, take risks, live for now’. But mindsets change as we grow older--gradually for some people, abruptly for others, depending upon how you are treated by your workplaces in many cases when you reach middle-age. Suddenly you may find yourself thinking about retiring early in order to pursue a new career, course of study, hobbies, volunteer work—but you don’t have the funds to retire. You don’t have the freedom to change your life. This might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it is a big deal. It is no fun to be stuck in a job or a way of life you are weary of until you are 70 years of age in order to have enough money to retire. I think it might also be smart to tell young people that they don’t have to have the biggest homes, multiple cars, expensive vacations, and all the rest, at the expense of a good retirement account. You don't have to achieve the materialistic dreams that society deems important. Enjoy life, enjoy material pursuits (to a point), pursue your work dreams and goals, but be smart about the future. One day you will retire and you may want to do it sooner than later.   

Favorite movies from the 1980s until now (so far)

1. 2010 (1984) with Roy Scheider, John Lithgow, Helen Mirren, Bob Balaban
2. 28 Days Later (2002) with Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Christopher Eccleston, Alex Palmer
3. A Fish Called Wanda (1988) with John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline, Michael Palin 
4. Aliens (1986) with Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Carrie Henn, Paul Reiser
5. Another Earth (2011) with Brit Marling, William Mapother, Matthew-Lee Erlbach, DJ Flava
6. Body Heat (1981) with William Hurt, Kathleen Turner, Richard Crenna, Ted Danson
7. Brokeback Mountain (2005) with Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger, Michelle Williams, Randy Quaid
8. Bugsy (1991) with Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, Harvey Keitel, Ben Kingsley
9. Casino (1995) with Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci
10. Children of a Lesser God (1986) with William Hurt, Marlee Matlin, Piper Laurie
11. Coraline (2009) with Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, John Hodgman, Jennifer Saunders
12. Dances with Wolves (1990) with Kevin Costner, Mary McDonnell, Graham Greene
13. Despicable Me (2010) with Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand
14. Dracula (1992) with Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins
15. Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010 documentary) with Banksy, Space Invader, Mr. Brainwash
16. Far from Heaven (2002) with Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid, Dennis Haysbert 
17. Ghost Busters (1984) with Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, Sigourney Weaver 
18. Girl with a Pearl Earring (2003) with Scarlett Johansson, Colin Firth, Tom Wilkinson, Judy Parfitt
19. Grey Gardens (2009 TV Movie) with Drew Barrymore, Jessica Lange, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Ken Howard
20. Hamam (The Turkish Bath) (1997) with Alessandro Gassman, Francesca d'Aloja, Carlo Cecchi 
21. Home Alone (1990) with Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern 
22. I Am Legend (2007) with Will Smith, Alice Braga, Charlie Tahan
23. Ice Age (2002) with Denis Leary, John Leguizamo, Ray Romano  
24. In the Mouth of Madness (1994) with Sam Neill, Jürgen Prochnow, Julie Carmen, David Warner
25. In the Valley of Elah (2007) with Tommy Lee Jones, Charlize Theron, Jonathan Tucker, Jason Patric
26. In Time (2011) with Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, Olivia Wilde
27. Jacob's Ladder (1990) with Tim Robbins, Elizabeth Pena, Danny Aiello  
28. Jane Eyre (2011) with Mia Wasikowska, Michael Fassbender, Jamie Bell, Su Elliot
29. Jodaeiye Nader az Simin (2011) with Peyman Moaadi, Leila Hatami, Sareh Bayat, Shahab Hosseini
30. Jurassic Park (1993) with Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum
31. Lady Chatterley (2006) with Marina Hands, Jean-Louis Coulloc'h, Hippolyte Girardot  
32. Le renard et l'enfant (2007) with Bertille Noël-Bruneau, Isabelle Carré, Thomas Laliberté, Camille Lambert
33. Light Sleeper (1992) with Willem Dafoe, Susan Sarandon, Dana Delany, David Clennon
34. Lincoln (2012) with Daniel Day-Lewis, Sally Field, David Strathairn, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
35. Marley (2012 documentary) with Bob Marley, Ziggy Marley, Jimmy Cliff, Lee 'Scratch' Perry
36. Max Manus (2008) with Aksel Hennie, Agnes Kittelsen, Nicolai Cleve Broch, Ken Duken
37. Men in Black (1997) with Tommy Lee Jones, Will Smith, Linda Fiorentino 
38. Michael Clayton (2007) with George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, Tom Wilkinson, Michael O'Keefe
39. Minority Report (2002) with Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton, Max von Sydow
40. Miss Potter (2006) with Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, Emily Watson, Barbara Flynn
41. Moon (2009) with Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey, Dominique McElligott, Rosie Shaw
42. Oblivion (2013) with Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Andrea Riseborough, Olga Kurylenko
43. Out of Africa (1985) with Meryl Streep, Robert Redford, Klaus Maria Brandauer
44. Pandorum (2009) with Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet, Antje Traue
45. Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) with Ivana Baquero, Ariadna Gil, Sergi López, Maribel Verdú
46. Phoenix (1998) with Ray Liotta, Anthony LaPaglia, Daniel Baldwin 
47. Pitch Black (2000) with Radha Mitchell, Cole Hauser, Vin Diesel, Keith David
48. Prometheus (2012) with Noomi Rapace, Logan Marshall-Green, Michael Fassbender, Charlize Theron
49. Ratatouille (2007) with Brad Garrett, Lou Romano, Patton Oswalt, Ian Holm
50. Romancing the Stone (1984) with Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, Danny DeVito
51. Romeo is Bleeding (1993) with Gary Oldman, Lena Olin, Wallace Wood, Juliette Lewis
52. Scarface (1983) with Al Pacino, Michelle Pfeiffer, Steven Bauer, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio
53. Shoot the Moon (1982) with Albert Finney, Diane Keaton, Karen Allen, Peter Weller
54. Skyfall (2012) with Daniel Craig, Javier Bardem, Naomie Harris, Judi Dench
55. Sleeping with the Enemy (1991) with Julia Roberts, Patrick Bergin, Kevin Anderson 
56. Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997) with Sigourney Weaver, Sam Neill, Gil Bellows
57. Solaris (2002) with George Clooney, Natascha McElhone, Ulrich Tukur, Viola Davis
58. Something Wild (1986) with Jeff Daniels, Melanie Griffith, Ray Liotta  
59. The Accidental Tourist (1988) with William Hurt, Kathleen Turner, Geena Davis, Amy Wright
60. The Age of Innocence (1993) with Daniel Day-Lewis, Michelle Pfeiffer, Winona Ryder  
61. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007) with Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, Sam Shepard 
62. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2011) with Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson
63. The ‘Burbs (1989) with Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Corey Feldman
64. The End of the Affair (1999) with Ralph Fiennes, Julianne Moore, Stephen Rea 
65. The Grifters (1990) with Anjelica Huston, John Cusack, Annette Bening, Jan Munroe
66. The King's Speech (2010) with Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Derek Jacobi
67. The Last Seduction (1994) with Linda Fiorentino, Peter Berg, Bill Pullman  
68. The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) with Geena Davis, Samuel L. Jackson, Yvonne Zima, Craig Bierko
69. The Money Pit (1986) with Tom Hanks, Shelley Long, Alexander Godunov, Maureen Stapleton
70. The New Daughter (2009) with Kevin Costner, Ivana Baquero, Samantha Mathis, Gattlin Griffith
71. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) with Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O'Hara, William Hickey
72. The Proposal (2009) with Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Steenburgen, Craig T. Nelson
73. The Shawshank Redemption (1994) with Tim Robbins, Morgan Freeman, Bob Gunton, William Sadler
74. The Shining (1980) with Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, Danny Lloyd, Scatman Crothers
75. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) with Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Lawrence A. Bonney, Kasi Lemmons
76. The Sixth Sense (1999) with Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, Toni Collette, Olivia Williams
77. The Skeleton Key (2005) with Kate Hudson, Peter Sarsgaard, Joy Bryant, Gena Rowlands
78. The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988) with Daniel Day-Lewis, Juliette Binoche, Lena Olin, Derek de Lint
79. The Witches of Eastwick (1987) with Jack Nicholson, Cher, Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer
80. Traitor (2008) with Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Archie Panjabi, Saïd Taghmaoui
81. Twelve Monkeys (1995) with Bruce Willis, Madeleine Stowe, Brad Pitt  
82. Volver (2006) with Penélope Cruz, Carmen Maura, Lola Dueñas, Blanca Portillo
83. What Dreams May Come (1998) with Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding Jr., Annabella Sciorra, Max von Sydow
84. What Lies Beneath (2000) with Harrison Ford, Michelle Pfeiffer, Katharine Towne, Miranda Otto
85. What Women Want (2000) with Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Marisa Tomei, Alan Alda

Favorite movies from the 1930s - 1970s

1. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) with Keir Dullea, Gary Lockwood, William Sylvester
2. 40 Carats (1973) with Liv Ullmann, Edward Albert, Gene Kelly, Binnie Barnes
3. Adam’s Rib (1949) with Spencer Tracy, Katharine Hepburn, Judy Holliday
4. Agatha (1979) with Dustin Hoffman, Vanessa Redgrave, Timothy Dalton, Helen Morse
5. Alien (1979) with Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt
6. All That Heaven Allows (1955) with Jane Wyman, Rock Hudson, Agnes Moorehead, Conrad Nagel
7. All the Fine Young Cannibals (1960) with Robert Wagner, Natalie Wood, Susan Kohner, George Hamilton
8. Arsenic and Old Lace (1944) with Cary Grant, Priscilla Lane, Raymond Massey
9. Barefoot in the Park (1967) with Robert Redford, Jane Fonda, Charles Boyer, Mildred Natwick
10. Brigadoon (1953) with Gene Kelly, Van Johnson, Cyd Charisse, Elaine Stewart
11. Burnt Offerings (1976) with Karen Black, Oliver Reed, Burgess Meredith and Eileen Heckart
12. BUtterfield 8 (1960) with Elizabeth Taylor, Laurence Harvey, Eddie Fisher, Dina Merrill
13. De Dødes Tjern (1958) with Andre Bjerke, Bjørg Engh, Henki Kolstad
14. Dial M for Murder (1954) with Ray Milland, Grace Kelly, Robert Cummings
15. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (1973, TV) with Kim Darby, Jim Hutton, Barbara Anderson, William Demarest
16. Don’t Look Now (1973) with Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie
17. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941) with Spencer Tracy, Ingrid Bergman, Lana Turner
18. Fantasia (1940)
19. House of Dark Shadows (1970) with Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Roger Davis
20. House of Wax (1953) with Vincent Price, Frank Lovejoy, Phyllis Kirk
21. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang (1932) with Paul Muni, Glenda Farrell, Helen Vinson, Noel Francis 
22. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) with James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore
23. Klute (1971) with Jane Fonda, Donald Sutherland, Charles Cioffi, Roy Scheider
24. Light in the Piazza (1962) with Olivia de Havilland, George Hamilton, Yvette Mimieux
25. Marlowe (1969) with James Garner, Gayle Hunnicutt, Carroll O'Connor, Rita Moreno
26. Midnight Cowboy (1969) with Dustin Hoffman, Jon Voight, Sylvia Miles, John McGiver
27. Mon Oncle (1958) with Jacques Tati, Jean-Pierre Zola, Adrienne Servantie, Lucien Frégis
28. Oliver! (1968) with Mark Lester, Ron Moody, Shani Wallis, Oliver Reed
29. Psycho (1960) with Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Vera Miles
30. Rebecca (1940) with Laurence Olivier, Joan Fontaine, George Sanders
31. Romeo and Juliet (1968) with Leonard Whiting, Olivia Hussey, John McEnery
32. Rosemary’s Baby (1968) with Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon
33. Splendor in the Grass (1961) with Natalie Wood, Warren Beatty, Pat Hingle
34. Straight Time (1978) with Dustin Hoffman and Theresa Russell
35. Sunday in New York (1963) with Rod Taylor, Jane Fonda, Cliff Robertson, Robert Culp
36. The Barretts of Wimpole Street (1957) with Jennifer Jones, John Gielgud, Bill Travers, Virginia McKenna
37. The African Queen (1951) with Humphrey Bogart, Katharine Hepburn, Robert Morley
38. The Apartment (1960) with Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine, Fred MacMurray
39. The Paradine Case (1947) with Gregory Peck, Ann Todd, Charles Laughton, Charles Coburn
40. The Pearl of Death (1944) with Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce, Dennis Hoey
41. The Sentinel (1977) with Cristina Raines, Ava Gardner, Chris Sarandon, Martin Balsam
42. The Split (1968) with Jim Brown, Diahann Carroll, Ernest Borgnine, Julie Harris
43. The Two Mrs. Carrolls (1947) with Humphrey Bogart, Barbara Stanwyck, Alexis Smith
44. The Uninvited (1944) with Ray Milland, Ruth Hussey, Donald Crisp, Cornelia Otis Skinner
45. Westworld (1973) with Yul Brynner, Richard Benjamin, James Brolin, Norman Bartold

Street Art in Oslo III

Out walking yesterday in the nice weather, as were many others. We came upon some newer street art (at least I haven't seen it before on my walks around Oslo) and snapped some photos. There were a lot of other hobby photographers doing the same. A lot of artistic talent out there......Enjoy today's photos, and my earlier posts about street art in Oslo: http://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.no/2012/10/street-art-in-oslo.html and http://paulamdeangelis.blogspot.no/2013/06/more-street-art-in-oslo.html

Another great poem

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

A great poem by Charles Bukowski

air and light and time and space 

”– you know, I’ve either had a family, a job,
something has always been in the
way
but now
I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this
place, a large studio, you should see the space and
the light.
for the first time in my life I’m going to have
a place and the time to
create.”

no baby, if you’re going to create
you’re going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
or
you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you’re on
welfare,
you’re going to create with part of your mind and your body blown
away,
you’re going to create blind
crippled
demented,
you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your
back while
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.

baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don’t create anything
except maybe a longer life to find
new excuses
for.

------------------------------------------

What a great poem, and it came along just at the right time for me. I've been feeling 'stuck'--as though I've been sitting in creative prison, waiting for the jailor (most likely myself) to come free me so that I can write, take photos and work on book projects again. I forgot that most of my creative work has in fact been done while I have been 'stuck' doing other things, like working full-time at another kind of job. So thank you Mr. Bukowski for your inspiring words--they got me out of my funk and back to work..........

Started watching Sleepy Hollow, still watching TWD

Started watching the show Sleepy Hollow at the beginning of January; we’re some months behind the USA where I know the season finale already took place in December. I love the show; it works for me, thanks to the superb acting of Tom Mison as Ichabod Crane, Nicole Beharie as Abbie Mills and Orlando Jones as Frank Irving. I grew up in Tarrytown NY, the sister town to Sleepy Hollow (which was formerly called North Tarrytown); The Legend of Sleepy Hollow written by Washington Irving was required reading in high school. Most inhabitants of both towns are familiar with the story of the Headless Horseman and Ichabod Crane. The TV show bears little resemblance to the original story, but it’s a cleverly-written supernatural show that works. Tonight’s episode, Sanctuary, was especially good; we now know that Katrina, Ichabod’s wife, gave birth to a son in a house that was a sanctuary for former slaves as well as a haven against supernatural evil forces. The baby’s birth breaks the protective spell surrounding the house and the evil forces invade the house. It is implied that many of the inhabitants were killed. In the present time it is an abandoned haunted house—haunted by good and evil ghosts, and ‘guarded’ by the ‘tree monster’ that was sent by the demon Moloch to destroy the original inhabitants of the house. The tree monster is awakened to life when a descendant of the original family who owned the house overtakes it and decides to renovate it and live there. Every now and then when I watch this show, I am (briefly) reminded of The X-Files, another favorite show of mine, because the wonderful chemistry between the two main characters Ichabod and Abbie in Sleepy Hollow reminds me of the chemistry between The X-Files’ Dana Scully (played by Gillian Anderson) and Fox Mulder (played by David Duchovny).

Still watching The Walking Dead (and it still gets under my skin—as in, it’s still pretty creepy after four seasons in). It’s not so much that I’ve grown attached to any particular character; it wouldn’t make much sense to do that, given that the show is not averse to killing off major as well as minor characters. Again, the actors (thanks to the writers) do a very credible job of showing us what it might be like to live in an apocalyptic world peopled by zombies. But the show also realistically depicts what it might be like to have to deal with other survivors who might not be the nicest people (the Governor and his lackeys). It is one of those rare shows where the group dynamics provide much of the reason for my watching it. I like the interplay between the characters, their different strengths and weaknesses, the way they depend on each other, and the way they face their fears, as well as watching them deal with the ‘walkers’, because that’s what the show is really about—dealing with the living dead that are always lurking about. It’s not so much the shuffling and the way they move and look that are unnerving, but rather the way they sound—you can hear them coming (growling) long before they actually appear. I suppose in one way this should be advantageous, as it gives the characters time to get away or to prepare for confrontation. On the other hand……..

Letting go and finding peace

Ego says, "Once everything falls into place, I'll feel peace." Spirit says, "Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place." (Marianne Williamson)

I came across this quote the other day, and it resonated with me, especially now after many years of struggling to make work-related issues fall into place. Sometimes they did, other times I hit the wall or fumbled the ball and had to come up with new strategies. I kept thinking that once work issues were solved, I’d be in a better place psychologically and then I could find peace of mind. I discovered that it didn’t work that way for me. Things didn't 'fall into place' (work out as I wanted) no matter how hard I tried to make them do so, and I had to learn a new way of being. Additionally, the idea that we can make things fall into place by exerting control over situations or people is an illusion that is sold to us as sound advice over and over, in advice columns, self-help books, via well-meaning colleagues and friends. We're often told that 'we choose our lives or the situations that happen to us'. That may be true at times, but it is not an absolute. People want the best for us--I do believe that, at least the people who care about us. They mean well. But their words cannot guarantee a desired outcome any more than can our attempts to control that desired outcome. Things in life don’t always fall into place; we can't mold life to suit our desires. We don’t always get what we want, when we want it or how we want it, but we have to live our lives anyway, dealing with the jumble of stressful feelings that the struggle for control and order create in us.  

Although we can hope that things will fall into place, we cannot make them fall into place. I think another way of saying this is ‘let go and let God’. In all instances, the realization that we can have peace of mind without striving for full control and order, is freeing and peaceful in and of itself. During the past few years, I have rediscovered the joys of just being—something I was more in tune with when I was a teenager--not always having something to do or somewhere to be. When I am out walking in nature, I am with nature, looking and listening to the birds, watching the clouds go by, enjoying the warm sunshine in the midst of winter. I don’t want to be connected to social media; I don’t even need conversation sometimes. I just want to be. I think that is peace of soul and mind. When I find myself wondering or worrying about how situations are going to turn out and what my role in them might be, I tell myself to let go and to take a step back, so that I can view the situation from afar. It helps me maintain perspective. Perspective helps me maintain objectivity, something that gets lost when I get too involved in worrying about or trying to force the outcome of a situation. Perspective gives me peace, and the odd thing is that when I feel peaceful, I am much less concerned with the outcome of a particular situation, perhaps because I realize that I do not have complete control over anything. There is too much to obsess over in modern society, too much to chase, too many goals, too many material things to distract us and destroy peace, and too many interruptions. There is too little time for reflection, stillness and solitude. I want peace more now than I want any of the other things. At this point in my life, peace is worth gold.

The books of M. Scott Peck and Rollo May

Years ago, I discovered the writer and psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, who wrote a book that helped to change my way of looking at some important aspects of my life. ‘The Road Less Traveled’ (published in 1978) was an eye-opener of a book, one that I have recommended to many people through the years. The book’s basic tenet is that life is difficult and that personal and spiritual growth is a lifelong process involving hard work, struggle, pain and introspection. Reading it made me realize at a fairly young age that it was possible to change your life; that the hand of cards you were dealt was not a permanent hand. It was possible to rise above personal and family problems and the inefficient and often stagnant ways of dealing with them. But the key was to be actively invested in doing so; it was important to understand and accept that the work involved would be difficult and that there would be no immediate gratification. Peck is one of the few authors to whom I have written; I was so enamored of his book. Even though I was disappointed to subsequently learn about his alcoholism, marital infidelities, and other problems, it made me realize that he probably wrote the book as much for himself as for his readers. I wanted him to be a person without faults; there are no such persons, and he would be the first to admit that. He was not always able to practice what he preached. I also read Peck’s ‘People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil’, published in 1983. It is a much more disturbing book since it presented and discussed his patients, albeit anonymously, who had chosen to live in the darkness of their problems (pathological lying, cheating, neuroses, anxieties, obsessions, banal evil) rather than seek the light of truth (facing themselves and their problems and fears), health and recovery.

Rollo May, another of my favorite authors, was a psychiatrist who wrote many excellent books, such as The Meaning of Anxiety, Love and Will, and The Courage to Create, published in 1950, 1969, and 1975, respectively. My father introduced me to his writings when I was a teenager. I read The Meaning of Anxiety when I was in my early twenties, and it was one of those light-switch books—books that have the ability to push you from darkness into the light. The power of the printed word never ceases to amaze me. Little wonder that ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’. Words can change your perspective on things, and in this case, May’s words changed my perspective on anxiety. Rather than viewing it as a major problem to be eliminated on the path to mental health, his view was that anxiety is necessary for personal growth, and that it forces us to act, in order to alleviate the anxiety or to help us confront what it is we are anxious about (what we fear?). Doing so allows us to live life to the fullest. In Love and Will, May discusses different types of love and how they should be intertwined. The ideas of purpose and responsibility related to love are discussed at length. In The Courage to Create, May writes about the importance of creativity and art in our lives; this quote from his book best describes his views, beautifully so:  

“If you wish to understand the psychological and spiritual temper of any historical period, you can do no better than to look long and searchingly at its art. For in the art the underlying spiritual meaning of the period is expressed directly in symbols………They (the artists) have the power to reveal the underlying meaning of any period precisely because the essence of art is the powerful and alive encounter between the artist and his or her world."

The Surrealism of Illness

Since the New Year began, major illness has already reared its ugly head for two people I know, one a close personal friend who received the diagnosis of multiple systemic atrophy of the brain, the other a valued colleague and friend who suffered most of the autumn with a persistent cough and was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. In both cases, when I heard the news, I was truly shocked. It just seemed so unreal and so unbelievable that this could be happening to them. When I finally ‘came to’, I realized that I have to learn how to be strong so that I can be there for the both of them in the best way I know how. Because their shock and disbelief, their sorrow and pain, are so much greater than mine; they have to tackle the surrealism of being given a diagnosis that could mean an earlier passage from this life compared to the rest of us. I cannot imagine what that must feel like. I do know what it feels like to witness the journeys of two friends who were diagnosed with breast cancer a decade ago. One of them received a diagnosis of breast cancer when she was sitting in her doctor’s office. She fainted on hearing the news. Luckily her husband was with her and he caught her as she fell off her chair. She was operated on to remove her tumor, received chemo and radiation, and is disease-free today. Another friend of mine was not so lucky; she passed away three years ago from metastatic breast cancer. She was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after my other woman friend, underwent an operation to remove the tumor, but did not start with chemotherapy right away for reasons that made sense then but no longer now. Just because no cancer was found in the surrounding lymph nodes is no reason to not undergo chemo. But doctors have their viewpoints, and they most often prevail.

At times, I am struck by the surrealism that surrounds illness. It just seems so unreal at times and impossible to deal with, whereas at other times I am more inured to the idea of illness. I have a long relationship with illness; my father had his first heart attack when I was twelve years old, his second when I was twenty-one, his first stroke when I was in my mid-twenties, and the stroke that took his life when I was twenty-nine. I remember growing up worrying that my father could die at any time. I know he worried about the same thing because he told me that and so many other things on our walks together during summer evenings when I was a teenager. He had a wife and three children to consider in addition to the fear that he might die young. He was sixty-seven when he died, and that is young. When you are a child, you are perhaps somewhat more protected psychologically than you are when you are older and a loved one gets sick and dies. When I was twelve, I remember that my father was home on sick leave, that he watched TV and soap operas with us, and that he read a lot. It was enjoyable to have him home and available to us. When I was in my twenties, I understood more of what chronic illness can do to the afflicted person as well as to his or her family. The stress associated with worrying about a loved one affects the lives of those around him or her. Love becomes tightly connected with sorrow and the preparation for loss. Our teenage years were not carefree or sorrow-free.

I have learned to live with hopeful optimism and an objective realism where major illness is concerned. They co-exist within me, side by side, without battling each other for dominance. I pray for miracles at the same time that I know that there aren’t many of them. I’m aware of the statistics; I’m a cancer researcher, I know the odds associated with major illnesses, not just cancer. But I pray anyway for both of my friends. I also pray for the strength to be a good and supportive friend in the years ahead. It scares me to think that I won’t know what to do, how to be, or what to say. But then I remember my father, and how the most important thing was just to love each other. In the end, it comes down to that. Make the most of the time you have together. Create good memories. Life is short; for some of us, it is shorter, but all of us will face the day when we must leave this earth for good. That’s a thought that is always with me, since I was a child. 

A poem for Valentine's Day--How Do I Love Thee--by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How Do I Love Thee (Sonnet 43) 

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

(by Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

Getting to know Wattpad

I’ve discovered yet another social media community, Wattpad.com, a community of writers and readers, more specifically, of writers who post their works online for Wattpad members to read, comment and vote on. It appears to be quite an active and engaged community, with the support of no less than the internationally-known Canadian author Margaret Atwood. Wattpad describes its community thusly in the About Us section on their website:

Wattpad is the world's largest community for discovering and sharing stories. It's a new form of entertainment connecting readers and writers through storytelling, and best of all, it's entirely free. With thousands of new stories added every day, an incredibly active community of readers, and the ability to read on your computer, phone, or tablet, Wattpad is the only place that offers a truly social, and entirely mobile reading experience.

I’m fascinated by this community, and became a member this past weekend; it’s enticing to think about sharing my writing this way, and I’ve already done so. I posted two short stories as a way to get started: one entitled An Unusual Offer; the other entitled Before My Eyes. They will eventually be part of a collection of short stories that I plan on publishing. If you want to read them, you'll have to join the Wattpad community.

I know that I’ve got to work at reading others’ works, following other authors, and commenting and voting on others’ works—in other words, I’ve got to contribute if I want feedback on my own work. So that’s my new adventure these days; I’m writing and taking the chance of posting my short stories and hoping for good feedback and constructive criticism. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes from time to time.

Top ten posts as of 11 February 2014

These are the most-read posts on A New Yorker in Oslo. It's always interesting to look at the statistics and to see which posts engage readers. Thank you for continuing to follow this blog and for your interesting and inspirational comments through the years. I enjoy interacting with you.

Recognizing passive-aggressive behavior in workpla... Dec 7, 2011

Classic postcards of Cambridge and Cambridge Unive... Jul 17, 2013

Amsterdam coffee shops, head shops, sex shop and o... Sep 2, 2011

Dark Shadows and Collinwood mansion Sep 17, 2010

Overcoming the 'jantelov' Feb 28, 2011

Ridley Scott's Prometheus Jun 1, 2012

A love poem by Ezra Pound in honor of Valentine's ... Feb 13, 2011

Work-life balance in Norway Jun 3, 2011

The Nighthawk Diner Jun 25, 2010

Berlin's East Side Gallery Jul 5, 2012

Be the Best in Business: What Are the Barriers to Becoming an Effective Leader...

An excellent post from the blog Be the Best in Business--about the barriers to becoming an effective leader; one of those rare posts where what you read is truly educational and inspirational.

Be the Best in Business: What Are the Barriers to Becoming an Effective Lea...: In 2011 Anne Morris, Robin Ely, and Frances Frei highlighted five barriers to becoming a truly effective leader. Read more about them here.