Watershed years

I was writing to a friend the other day and used the term ’watershed year’ to describe the effect that 2010 has had on me. 2010 was a watershed year for me. It simply means that it was a turning point in my life. So many things happened that were out of my control, and the more I tried to control the chaos, the worse it got. So I let go. There are years like that, and for me, the years 1985, 2001 and 2010 have been those types of years. 1985 was a year that was filled with loss— people I thought I could trust betrayed me, and my father and my cat passed away. It was also a wake-up call to pay attention to my life, to ‘not cast my pearls before swine’ as the New Testament so aptly puts it. 2001 was another watershed year. I woke up to the fact that there really are people in the world who hate the USA and who hate Americans so intensely that they will do whatever it takes to destroy them. I watched the Towers come down on September 11 and a part of me died that day. My belief in the goodness of the world died that day. Watching so many people die in that manner was horrific, and it was made all the more horrific by the fact that I experienced it from Europe and could not be in my country at that time to help or to serve. I cannot watch video footage of that day without reliving the horror. So now I understand in a small way how it must be for war veterans, who actually fought the battles and dealt with the daily horrors, and who try to forget them and go on with their lives. How can you ever really truly forget? My experience is miniscule by comparison, a drop in the bucket of suffering. I learned what empathy means in a whole new way. And I also learned that people could suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome years after the fact, and that it is a real condition that causes continuous suffering to good people. 2001 was the year I became an American for real, to my core. I never knew what that meant before. It was also the year I lost my mother, another intense blow.

2010 was not like these years; it was the year I truly woke up to the treachery of the work world and to what it meant to worship at the altar of a false god. I finally understood what that means after many years of hearing that expression. And I did not lose my job as did others I know who have been treated like cast-offs by their workplaces. Michael Moore hit the nail on the head in ‘Capitalism, A Love Story’ when he accuses Wall Street firms of crimes against the people. He has mega-guts. And he tells it like it is. I had already begun to suspect that the work world wasn’t all it was cracked up to be a few years ago when I wrote a book about passive-aggressive bosses and their negative impact on workers and workplaces. But even after writing my book I still had the ‘belief’ (or hope?) that it could all work out given the right set of circumstances. Now I know, just like I know that it is right that some relationships should end because they are hazardous for a person to continue to be in, that it is also right that some beliefs should wither and die, because to hang onto them serves no one. But like letting go of a bad personal relationship, letting go of a bad work relationship involves a grieving process. It means dealing with the loss of your belief in what you have devoted yourself to for years on end. It means changing your focus and giving up loyalty to your workplace and giving up caring about and nurturing your workplace goal. It means redefining yourself, and as one of my unemployed friends in the USA said to me recently, “if I hear from one more person that you should just ‘redefine yourself’ once more, I’m going to vomit”. Why? Because it’s not easy to ‘just’ redefine yourself. It’s not a magic process whereby you snap your fingers and whoosh, you’re a new and improved person, like Samantha could do in ‘Bewitched’. How cool would that be, to be able to do that? No, for us mortals, it involves tears, sorrow, bitching, more tears, more bitching, ranting, and raving. And those who can do all these things, who can get their feelings out, are the lucky ones, ultimately. What about the people who keep it all bottled up inside? How do they deal with it? If one is lucky, over the course of some months or even years, acceptance begins to rear its head. Resignation also enters the picture. A pragmatic view of personal expectations versus how realistic the outcome of those expectations will be in your workplace emerges. You realize that some people win and others lose. That’s how it works. We cannot all be winners. But you also learn that looking at the world in terms of who wins and who loses is a pointless effort. Who cares ultimately? It reminds me of grammar school all over again; those who got the A’s were the winners. But all these years later, who really remembers that or cares? It’s what you’ve done in the meantime with your life that counts. And even if your workplace deems you to be a person it no longer needs or cares about, it cannot take from you your accomplishments, successes, contributions or service to that workplace. In short, it cannot destroy what you meant for them, and if it tries, it should be destroyed in turn. No workplace should be allowed to re-write its history in a vacuum. It cannot just wipe the slate and start over after getting rid of those it no longer wants or needs. It should also be forced to ‘deal’ with loss, to grieve over those losses, and to learn from them, just like the employees who worked for them have had to do.

So what have I learned from all that happened in 2010? What have I learned from all my conversations with others in my position or from those who have lost their jobs? To start with, learn to develop a thick skin. Try not to take it all personally, even though it may feel like a personal attack. But learn to wean yourself off the ‘loyalty’ addiction. Don’t cast your pearls before swine. Be very careful to whom you give your loyalty, your focus, your devotion, your time, and your energy. If this is good advice on the personal relationship front, it’s good advice on the workplace front. Like some people, some workplaces are simply not worth your efforts. And that’s worth finding out, even if you find out the hard way.

Dreams of travel in northern Norway

I live in Oslo and have not traveled farther north in Norway than to Trondheim, which is about 552 km (342 miles) north of Oslo, so there is still a lot of Norway further north of Trondheim to be explored. Northern Norway is often referred to as the land of the midnight sun, because during the summertime the sun does not really set. Northern Norway starts with the county of Nordland followed by Troms and Finnmark, and some of the larger cities in these counties are Bodø, Narvik, Rana, Tromsø, Vadsø, Hammerfest, and Alta, among others, according to Wikipedia. The distance from Trondheim to Alta is about 1755 km (1097 miles), and this plus the distance from Oslo to Trondheim gives you an idea of how long Norway is from south to north, and that’s just if you start from Oslo, which is not the most southernmost city in Norway. The map you see in this post gives you a good idea of how long Norway stretches from north to south.

After watching the BBC program from 2008 the other night on NRK1 (Norwegian TV channel), I thought that now it’s absolutely time, after twenty years of living here, to visit north Norway and see the land of the midnight sun as well as the land of the Northern Lights. Because that is what the BBC program was about—Joanna Lumley was the hostess and she took us on her personal search for the Northern Lights (the program was called 'Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights'). Why did she want to see them? Because it was a lifelong dream of hers from the time she was a child and had read the children’s book Ponny the Penguin by Veronica Basser from 1948; the book is unfortunately out of print or I would have purchased it on Amazon. In the book there is a black ink-drawn picture of a penguin with the Northern Lights as his backdrop. The Northern Lights look like hanging curtains with folds in them in the picture. I am including a link to the amazing video from this BBC program http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ8xd6xnZ9U –with her wonderful and moving commentary. About 5 minutes into this video (which is part 5 of her journey) you will see some fantastic footage of the Northern lights that danced for her that one evening in Tromsø. Her search for them was not in vain, and as she said in the video, it was as though they knew she was waiting for them. It is an amazing and moving experience, even just watching it on video. So I know already it will be an extraordinary experience in person. I was also curious to know if there exist Southern Lights in Antarctica, and lo and behold, they do exist, and according to what I read on internet, the Northern and Southern Lights ‘occur simultaneously and are almost mirror images of each other’ http://www.tgo.uit.no/articl/nord_eng.html.

So many other things in her documentary were interesting as well—among them her visit with the Sami people in Finnmark and her overnight stay in the Ice Hotel in Alta, which is rebuilt every year as it melts each year in the spring http://www.ice-lodge.com/Ice-Hotel-Norway.aspx. I have not been to any of these places, but I want to see them. How we are going to get to these places (train, boat, or car or combinations thereof) and when we are going to travel (time of year is important for seeing the Northern lights—preferably between September and April) will be topics for discussion in the very near future. But I have no worries about this becoming a reality, because once an idea is planted in my mind, well, then I’m on my way!

Liars

Shades of the past that disappeared

And then came back

In different form.

You are not who you pretend to be.

You are an unknown.

You live your life accordingly.

No one gets close

But one got close enough

And she is whom you chose.

How long ago is long enough

You play at love and being tough

But in the end how high the cost.

You did not hold tightly to

What you had, did not hold dear

The love at hand, you lost.  

She knew what you thought

She would never know.

You fooled no one, you let her go.

You lied and you became

The cheat you thought you’d never be.

You behaved so arrogantly.

Those who think they are immune

From temptation risk only doom

Pride goes before a fall.

There will be those who wish you well

The cowards and like company.

And there will be those who lie

And hope that you will end in hell

While to your face they smile. 

copyright 2011  Paula M. De Angelis

Winterscapes at Lysebu

 

I took a few shots of the winter landscape around me at Lysebu, a conference center located in the hills of Oslo overlooking the city. A little winter wonderland of its own....

Niceness and weakness

Jennifer Granholm wrote ”Don’t mistake niceness for weakness”. I heard this quote for the first time many years ago and thought it made sense then without reflecting too much upon it, but was reminded of it today in conversation. It really is not uncommon for people to mistake niceness for weakness in today’s world, such that niceness becomes something to avoid or to squelch. Which leads me to wanting to define niceness in today’s world. Being nice doesn’t seem to be emphasized as much today as it was when I was growing up. When I was young child, we were always told to be nice to people and especially to older people. In those days, being ‘nice’ meant being well-mannered, quiet, polite, respectful, kind, tactful, generous and helpful. Rebellious, assertive, or demanding behavior was not nice behavior and was not encouraged in young women. Weakness was rarely discussed, and if it was, it was discussed in terms of physical attributes-- it was assumed that women were the physically weaker sex compared to men. I think the definition of being ‘nice’ from when we were children is still relevant for today. There is nothing wrong with wanting to encourage people to be all those things, but it's also quite ok to tell women especially that there is nothing wrong with being either honest or assertive--in other words, nothing wrong with opening your mouth and having an opinion. 

I don’t have any problem with being nice as long as others don’t have any problem understanding that my being nice does not mean that I am weak. I’ve gotten into conflicts with people who think that, or who think that they can take advantage of me because they mistake my niceness not only for weakness but for stupidity as well. They find out that I can defend myself pretty well if they push me too far, but that I don’t have to retaliate in kind. I think that being nice to others is a sign of integrity and strength—strength of character. It is much easier to be rude, ill-mannered, unkind, selfish and unhelpful because it is the base part of ourselves that would like to rise up and rule sometimes by taking the path of least resistance. To be nice means to exert effort in our dealings with others. It may mean listening politely to others when maybe you’d rather do something else; it means sometimes being of service to others instead of demanding service from others. It means sometimes letting someone else be the center of attention or giving someone else a turn. It means understanding that you have had your time in the limelight and that now it may be another person’s turn to shine. It means holding your tongue when maybe you’d like to lash out or criticize another person. It means not retaliating when maybe you’d like to do just that to someone who hurt you. It’s not always easy to be nice in my book, even though Dag Hammarskjold said that "It is easy to be nice, even to an enemy - from lack of character." I try to understand what he means by this, and what I come up with is that he interprets niceness generally as dishonesty.

The world doesn’t applaud niceness at the same time that it really could use more of it. We hear that ‘Nice guys finish last’. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said that "Well behaved women rarely make history." I don’t really agree with these quotes, but I understand how they might have come about. But Addison Walker said that “It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts”.  And Wilson Mizner said "Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.” Because there is nothing quite so (secretly) enjoyable as to watch a person who has treated others like crap on his or her way to the top, get his or her comeuppance on the way down. It is not nice to admit this, but it’s easy to admit it because it’s human to feel this way.

Lyrics to a classic song by Pink Floyd---'Breathe'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qsxpXqq1pA 


Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave. 

-----------------------


I never tire of hearing this song, or of listening to the album 'Dark Side of the Moon'. It made such an impression on me when I was a teenager. I don't think there is another album that even comes close to it. 'Breathe' is such a good song and one that got me interested in listening to song lyrics because in this song they really are pure poetry. My father did not like the lyrics--he found them depressing and he meant we should spend our time listening to happier music. But even if he was right, it never stopped us from listening to this song and the album from which it came. There is something about the combination of the music and lyrics that made Dark Side of the Moon a perfect album. 

The New Science and Math Library at the University of Oslo

The University of Oslo will be building a new, modern Science and Math library in the Vilhelm Bjerknes' building. Renovations and construction will begin in the Vilhelm Bjerknes' building at the end of February / beginning of March. When the new library is completed in 2012, it will be actively used for debate and discussion about science and the importance of science to society. 

You can find the Library's Facebook page here--https://www.facebook.com/realfagsbiblioteket. 

There were some wonderfully interesting Arrangements at the Library during 2010--Bill Bryson, Marcus du Sautoy, Karen Lunsford, and Drew Endy held exciting lectures that had their audiences enthralled. There was a really interesting lecture by Ellen Henriksen followed by a panel debate about young women and why they don't choose careers in math and science. There were two important, exciting, and well-attended conferences--the BioConference 2010 with its Biodiversity theme, and the Bioinformatics Conference. There will be more Arrangements in 2011.  Follow the Facebook page during 2011 to stay up-to-date on all of the new and exciting Arrangements that the Library is planning! Stay tuned......


For those of you who cannot read Norwegian, you can become fans of the Facebook page anyway! Google Translate is a wonderful tool that I use a lot now to go back and forth between English and several languages. It will help you translate the site to English. The translations may be a little weird at times, but you'll get the gist of what is going on at the Library. It is a dynamic, forward-thinking, and future-focused library headed by women who are all these things and more. 

Christmas crèche in St.Olav's church

The Christmas season lingers, as was evident at the evening mass tonight at St. Olav’s Catholic Church. Even though the church year has moved on to the baptism of Jesus, the nativity scene, or crèche (see photo) as it’s called, is still on display to the right of the altar, and there were still a number of people after mass who lined up to walk by it and to touch the feet of baby Jesus. There are a lot of church parishioners who originally came from the Philippines; they seem to practice this particular custom. Perhaps other nationalities do as well. I lit two candles and said a prayer in front of the crèche. Seeing the life-size crèche always brings back memories of the crèche at Transfiguration Church in Tarrytown. It was a beautiful crèche with lovely life-size statues of Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the shepherds, and they were made even more beautiful after my sister and her friend scraped, sanded and repainted them. I was the documenter for the occasion, the picture-taker, with my trusty Kodak Instamatic camera. I got some nice photos of their handiwork.

The crèche is a peaceful display, a pastoral scene that is reminiscent of all the best things about childhood and Christmastime that I can remember—a stable, a starry sky, shepherds tending their sheep, angels on high, choirs of angels, and the placing of the child in a manger. Advent (from the Latin word adventus that means ‘coming’) is an important time in the church calendar, since it is a time of preparation for the birth of Christ. There is a lot of symbolism and ritual in the Church. We really prepared for Christmas in Catholic grade school (grades 1-8), starting already at the end of November. In art class we made a Judah tree, which is really the family tree of Jesus, but I don’t remember all the particulars, just that Mrs. Downey, our art teacher, had us use construction paper to design, cut out, and build a tree on which we placed the different ancestors of Jesus. We hung the tree in the classroom. An interesting way to learn biblical history, but I don’t remember much of it all these years later if that was the intent. We also spent time analyzing some of the famous paintings of the Annunciation (when Mary learned from the angel Gabriel that she was to be the mother of Jesus). We learned about the meaning of the Christmas tree; usually an evergreen tree, it is the symbol of the everlasting Christ. All of what we learned was related to the nativity. My parents also set up a small table-top crèche each year, and I continue that tradition. 

There is a bookstore in Akersgata in Oslo called Bok og Media, which is one of the oldest bookstores in Oslo and also a bookstore that has a large amount of Christian literature and media (http://bokogmedia.no/bm/main/bm9001/document/document11/Bok+%26+Media+Oslo.html). It has a special exhibition on the lower floor that they open to the public at Christmastime. You enter a long passageway, and as you enter, you are welcomed by the history of the Old Testament written on the wall leading up to the birth of Christ, as well as a map of the entire biblical area showing Galilee, Nazareth and Bethlehem, among others. As you proceed along the passageway, you will see that it is lined with crèches from countries all over the world. The last room before you exit is a room that is actually a life-size stable with a life-size crèche display. There are benches in front of it so that you can sit and reflect on the scene in front of you, while peaceful Christmas music plays softly in the background. When you emerge from the exhibition, you come out into an area of the bookstore that sells crèches and crèche figures, as well as Christmas music and books and other Christmas items. It is well-worth a trip to experience this exhibition. I have been there twice, and will definitely go back again. It is one of the many ‘hidden’ treasures of Oslo that someone needs to tell you about, otherwise you will never know they are there. The hidden treasures are some of the things I want to tell you, my readers, about in this blog. 

Winter scenes in Oslo

Akerselva river 

Deserted in winter--St. Hanshaugen park cafe

Benches in St. Hanshaugen park

Outdoors in the snow

It’s been snowing for the past few days in Oslo and there has been a fair amount of accumulation—about a foot or more in some places. The snow is dry and powdery, not wet and heavy, so it’s perfect for skiing but not for building a snowman. That’s what Mara and I discovered when we decided to spend part of our lunchtime today making a snowman. I bought a bag of carrots so that we could use one for its nose, and some chocolate balls for the eyes and mouth. We weren’t quite sure where we were going to build it—around the corner from our lab building was one idea. So it was somewhat disappointing to not be able to build a snowman because the snow wouldn’t pack well. We ended up taking a walk instead. It was snowing a bit and it was really nice to be outdoors.

Don’t ask me to explain what has happened, but the woman who doesn’t really like the cold and the snow has discovered that she ‘kinda sorta’ likes them this year. Strangely enough, it’s not difficult to admit it. I like being out in the cold air where I can breathe. I like walking outside when it is snowing, especially at night when the falling snow glitters in the lights from the streetlamps. Walking anywhere these days is pleasant—because it’s freedom. I have also discovered that I can run in the snow with really good boots (that grip the snow)—I finally own a pair and it’s a whole new world. I’m not slipping and sliding like I used to. Walking along the Akerselva river after it has snowed is very pleasant. I haven’t cross-country skied in years after hurting my back some years ago, but I think I want to try that again. Anything that gets my body moving and outdoors. It’s one reason I really don’t like going to the gym anymore. The machines are fine for training, but I miss training and being outdoors and breathing in the fresh air. I read an article recently that said much the same—that people who trained derived much greater benefit from training outdoors than they did from being in a gym. It makes sense to me. The snow makes me feel like a kid again—I would love to grab a sleigh and go sledding, build a snowman, make angels in the snow, run and walk and throw snowballs (I do that already with my husband), build a fort like we did when we were kids, and so much more. Or I’d like to find my little haven of peace under the snow-laden branches of the trees like I did when I was a kid—sit under them protected, away from the world at large, and just enjoy the peace. I’m definitely going to do some of these things. So if you see angels in the snow somewhere, they might just be made by me—“of the angels”. And I have a feeling we'll definitely get a chance to build at least one snowman this winter. 

Dreams and goals

The holiday season is like a cocoon that I wrap myself in from about mid-December until the beginning of January. I feel safe during that time, protected, happy in a way that I remember from childhood. It’s a good feeling. It has to do with harmony, peace, family, good times, and feeling free (not working). It’s the feeling I try to hang onto once I go back to work and the routines of daily life, because once back, I’m forced to emerge from the protective cocoon. A new year has many possibilities. I’m hoping 2011 will be a good year, a year of possibilities and opportunities. Already today, there were two potential consulting opportunities that came my way and I acted on both of them. They were not advertised as such but I took the initiative to ask about the possibility of working as a consultant. The first opportunity had to do with working on an editorial team for a newsletter published by a scientific association to which I belong. They wanted someone to work for free and considering the amount of work involved, it wasn’t worth getting involved in even though it would have been a good learning experience. The other has to do with providing research services/help in various forms to scientists, e.g. literature searches, manuscript preparation, and so on. This was an idea I had some years ago and that actually led to some consultant work. However, I did not pursue the idea of having my own consulting firm at that time because I did not have enough experience as a consultant. I have it now. So perhaps I can join forces with this organization in some way. Time will tell. I thought it was interesting that my first day back at work, there were two possibilities. And where there are two, there will be more. I’ve got to stay positive and not let myself get dragged down into the doldrums again by my current workplace. That’s easier said than done but I will try.

I had a conversation today with a good friend at work about honesty, among other things. It was not a long conversation, but it got me thinking about honesty in life, in work and in relationships. It’s good to be around people who are good for you. They will confront you in a kind way and they encourage honesty. The operative word in my book is ‘kind’. Honesty implies intimacy and trust; it’s not possible to be honest without them, and they can only emerge and grow in an atmosphere of kindness. Kind people are not preachy nor do they make you feel guilty. It’s freeing to be in their company. They listen without (much) judgment and they don’t need to talk just about themselves. They can be happy for others and they don’t like to play games. I try to be this way to people I love and care about so it’s nice when I feel like I am the recipient of it too. It’s always disheartening to be rammed emotionally by passive aggressive people—people who attack in a way that blindsides me—whether it be to try to make me feel guilty about something or to attack me because they cannot attack the person or persons they really want to attack. But I digress a bit. I realized today that I have dreams and goals (e.g. retiring early), and that I am shaping my life to make them a reality. Even if I stay in my current job, I am clear about my motivations for staying. I need to save as much money as possible to make my dreams and goals come true. I never worked solely with the aim of making money before, believe it or not, so this is something new for me. I don’t mean to imply that I haven’t paid attention to my earnings through the years and whatnot, because I have, but my work life hasn’t been driven by making big money. So it’s interesting that if I was to be completely honest with myself at this time in my life, I am more interested in money now and in being paid well for the work I do, because I have specific goals and dreams. It is exhilarating to realize this.

So what will I do if I retire early? I know already that I won’t be bored. I definitely want to do volunteer work of some sort. I want to spend more time reading, I want to do consulting work, I want to write, to pursue photography, to travel a bit, to spend more time with the people I love and care about. I want to have a more spontaneous social life—invite friends in for coffee and not have to plan everything down to the last little detail. I want to bike and run and be outdoors a lot. In other words, I want to enjoy my freedom after over forty years (by that time) spent in the prison of the work world. If my husband retires at the same time, we’ll be two doing these things instead of one. Working is a means to an end. I’ve said it in earlier posts—but it bears repeating—work to live, don’t live to work. And let it reward you monetarily as well as intellectually. Don’t fall into the trap of working solely for the intellectual benefit and struggling for years on end. It’s possible to combine the two. Don’t accept impossible or unrewarding conditions for too long. That would be my advice to younger people if asked. 

Some wise words concerning New Year's resolutions

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
John Burroughs

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
F.M. Knowles

I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's.
Henry Moore

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
Anaïs Nin

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
James Agate

Welcome 2011!

Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy New Year! I hope that 2011 will be a memorable year for all those things that bring joy and peace into our lives. And I wish that for the world as well. There has been too much conflict, too much death, too much war, and not enough peace and joy. 

I don't think I will miss 2010 even though there were some happy and memorable times. It was one of those years that stand apart from the others. 1985 was one of those years for me. They are challenging years, educational in their own way, but the process of learning comes at a cost. This year was incredibly frustrating, confusing and disappointing. I am not quite sure yet what I lost this year, but work problems took their toll and I think that has led to a widespread disillusion with the academic work world. That in and of itself would have been such a terrible thing for me to admit ten years ago, that I was disillusioned with my career and my work. Now it is not. But it is a tough thing to let go of--that intense love of work that I used to have--actually sad in many ways. A small grieving process in terms of letting go of the way I used to look at my work. I am not sure a new job would do the trick for me anymore, because I have become so skeptical about academia and the research world in general. However, my consulting work for the university library (Live, Kirsten and Liz) and for Liiv-MD (Bernadette), were the high points of this work year. Without them, I would surely have slid into a real depression in reaction to my work life. These jobs challenged me and got me thinking in new ways, and helped me to rediscover the joy of immersing myself in work and new projects. They also made me realize that I could leave academia and not look back. I wouldn't miss it very much. So that's a good realization, as well as knowing that I let something new into my life, in a non-traditional way. I broke my own mold and that was good for me.

The happy times were spent with family and friends, both here in Norway and in NY. Some of the highpoints of this year were seeing Pat Metheny in concert, Birgitte’s PhD defense and dinner afterwards, Caroline and Marius’ wedding, a relaxing summer vacation with Trond, and my trip to NY in August and seeing all my wonderful friends and family there. Those times are precious to me--treasures in my heart. Those times are what life is really all about, or what I want my life to be mostly about, and they are what I want more of as I get older. The sadness of this year was the passing of my colleague and friend Liza right before Christmas. Although we (her colleagues and friends) knew it could happen at any time since she was quite sick, when it did, it happened so fast and it made me realize again how unpredictable life is. We don't always have time to get our lives in order and to say goodbye. We cannot and should not take life for granted, and we should try to live each day in the best way possible. Not always easy to do or to remember, but well-worth thinking about. I say this mostly to remind myself to do that.

My one New Year’s resolution, if I was going to make one, would probably be to complain less about my workplace (if that is possible). I will certainly try. I imagine it will go like this though—I will want to complain, but will put a lid on it. Then I’ll go buy a punching bag to take out my frustrations, and who knows, that may help to get me into better physical shape. Or I’ll buy a dart board and hang it on the inside of my office door. Tossing a few darts at the board may help me feel better. In any case, I’m definitely going to try to deal with my workplace frustrations, and otherwise make the best of my life outside of work, which is most important.

For Auld Lang Syne, my friends

The end of this year and the beginning of a new year are upon us, and for the sake of old times I want to honor the memories of those who passed on recently and of those who left us years ago. You are not and never will be forgotten.

I am reminded of the movie When Harry Met Sally when a new year is right around the corner. The ending of the movie never fails to bring tears to my eyes, because when Harry finally realizes that he wants to be with Sally for the rest of his life, he is overwhelmed with a sense of urgency to get to her. How often does that happen to us? To know that feeling--that sense of urgency-- when you want to change your life or some part of it, and you’d like it to happen NOW. Except that sometimes God and the universe have other plans and the changes take much longer than you’d like. Confucius said “Every journey starts with a single step.” Our lives are our journeys if we want them to be. They can be long journeys if we’re lucky. We can choose to really live our lives, to be present to ourselves and for others, to step up to the plate, to take responsibility, to live now, to honor the past because it gave us our identity and to respect the future because it is an unknown entity. It’s scary to take the first step sometimes. It’s easier to stay put on the couch in front of the TV rather than to stand up and move out of the passivity that may have become part of our lives. I’ve written about that so many times this past year probably because it was an important realization for me. I got off my couch. I stopped watching TV in a mindless way, flipping from one channel to another in a vapid attempt to find something meaningful to watch. I stopped asking it to give meaning to my life. Making the journey means wanting to be active participants in our own lives. It means being aware and conscious and alive, and willing to be all those things. It’s important because if we don’t choose against passivity, we hand over the reins to others to control us and that is not an attractive option at all, at least to me. I have become preoccupied with this because it could happen that our freedoms could be taken away from us if we are not aware of their value to our lives. That thought scares me.

Writing this blog has helped me become an active participant in my own life. It has given me back my voice and shown me what is important to me for the rest of my life. It has opened new roads and ways into my heart and soul and mind. It has also helped me unearth long-buried memories that were waiting to be revealed. It is amazing what we store away and how much we forget. Writing unlocks many doors; some of them open into rooms of sadness, others open into rooms of light and hope. For old times’ sake, I honor all my memories and all of the people who helped make those memories together with me. Some of them are sad, others joyful, but they define me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The ending of a year is always a bit poignant, but also hopeful because we move into a new year full of possibilities. I think I have finally understood (after many years) that there really are several possible outcomes to one specific event, not just one, and that we can often choose our response. Just that thought gives me a sense of exhilaration and freedom that I haven’t experienced in a while. I wish that sense of exhilaration and freedom for my friends, family, for those reading this blog, and for the world in general. I hope that 2011 brings hope to those who have not known hope for many years. I hope too that we find grace in our lives and in the things we do and that we realize that we do have a choice, a voice and the means at our disposal to make a difference in the world.