Good conversations are worth their weight in gold. To know and feel that you really connect with another human being--friend, family member or colleague--is to know that you have reached a level of communication that touches the very heart of you. It is a healing experience to know that you and your feelings and thoughts are valued by another human being. I believe that good conversations can help us feel better about ourselves and our surroundings, and it is my opinion at least that there are far too few good conversations. Perhaps this is due to that we are always rushing about, or always ‘tuned in and tuned out’ on our cell phones or I-pods or computers, so that we don’t have time to pay attention to and to listen to others who may want to connect with us. All I know is that each time I experience a good conversation with someone; I want more of them, not less. I want to connect with others around me, but I want to do it in a way that makes us both feel valued. I know it’s not possible to have good conversations all the time. I accept that. But I don’t want to reach a point where they are the exception rather than the rule. There are ways of having a good conversation as well--certain behaviors such as eye contact and empathy and interest in others-- that shine through in people who are good conversationalists. They are interested in getting to know others and they communicate this in a way that says they have the time and inclination to do so. They are not interested in dominating, belittling, or hurting others. There can be no good conversation with people who enjoy dominating, belittling or hurting others when they open their mouths to talk with others. In a work context, dealing with such people can be a demoralizing experience.
I have become more aware of the importance of good conversations recently because I have been witness to the opposite on more than one occasion in the past week or two in a work context. The overall feeling at the end of them has been disappointment, even anger at having wasted my time. This has occurred mostly in settings (meetings) where the aim was to have a constructive dialog about one thing or another, but which ended up with one person dominating the meeting in an unhealthy, bullying way. I mostly just want to run from such people and such meetings. There is no conversation with such people, no dialog, no mutual understanding, just someone shouting or being aggressive and telling you how you should think or feel. And if that person is not telling you how to think or feel, then he is telling you how HE thinks or feels, and of course how he thinks or feels is paramount. I am thinking of one person in particular, a man whom I have to deal with in a work-related capacity—a man I would rather not have much to do with. He is a destructive force. That is my dilemma these days-- how to deal with his bullying and childish tactics. He destroys the good conversations that go on around him (and mostly without him) because he is not caring or kind enough to hold good conversations with others, thus he envies and resents others’ abilities to do so. He has been given ample opportunity to participate, to connect, to share his thoughts and feelings. No one has been unkind to him. Yet he has chosen to treat his colleagues as chattel, and if he cannot ‘own’ them, he tries to destroy them. But first he threatens them with something that he can hurt them with, because he has the power to do so as a leader. If this does not work, then he moves in for the kill. I watch him from a distance and wonder when he will crash and burn, because he will crash and burn eventually.
It is because of him that I value good conversations and good behavior so much more now. I want to be around people who elevate me and themselves with their talk, their behavior, their thoughts and feelings. If nothing but garbage comes out of your mouth—insults, threats, and curses—then you have become garbage. We get to choose in this life how we want to be towards ourselves and others. It was said by a much wiser person than me—‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. This is applicable for how one speaks to others as well as to how one behaves toward others. I think more people should have someone tape their conversations with others, so that they can learn from them before it is too late, before they are claimed by the garbage heap to which they end up in after years of treating others like garbage with their filthy mouths and bad behavior.
