To thine own self be true

This year will go down in my personal history book as one of the most disappointing but probably one of the most challenging as well. I guess the major challenge has been to learn how to deal with disappointments because they are definitely a part of (my) life and definitely here to stay. Most of them have to do with my workplace and I have to say, hand across my heart, that I never thought I would be in this position. I never thought I would come to the point where the disappointments of work life would be so crushing that sometimes it felt too overwhelming to rise up again. But I always do. And it seems as though I have a guardian angel, because something always happens to make my life better or richer. Out of the major disappointments in my regular job during the first part of this year came the consulting job at the library and meeting a group of women who believe in something besides budgets, accounting sheets, power and ego trips, and who have a vision and a burning desire to achieve it.

I also witnessed something today that showed me that sometimes ‘nice people do finish first’. A scientist (a woman) at another hospital won a prize for her research—a considerable sum of money—and she deserved to win. She’s done a great job under some difficult circumstances the past few years and she made the best of it. So that was encouraging to see.

Otherwise, I made a good decision for myself last week that I’ve been mulling over for some weeks now. I rarely regret my decisions, and this one will be no exception. It means not having to be around a person who became intolerable to me, who triggered in me feelings of fear and of anger that I have not had in over thirty years. So it was good to be rid of him. A lot of people will tell you to hang in there, don’t let him get to you, don’t let him win. But in truth, he won a long time ago—the rest of the people who work with him just don’t see it. They will spend a lot of time mopping up his messes and his ill treatment of others (and of themselves). I don’t want to be treated like crap anymore, not by anyone. So I rather think I won—because I said goodbye to him and his idiocy. I will not miss him. He will crash and burn one day, and perhaps I will be happy if he does. If that makes me a bad person or a vindictive one, then it does.

I think I’ve changed considerably in the past two years. I guess change is inevitable. But I’m glad for it. Things are much more crystal clear for me now than ever before. I cannot lie to myself anymore and I certainly don’t want to waste time lying to others. Life is short. Some people I know are slowly leaving this life due to illness. It puts my own life in perspective. We don’t have forever to waste on things and people that give us nothing in return. It does not matter that other people tell us to be patient and hang in there. It is my experience that the few times I have cut the cord and left (bad relationships, friendships, jobs, etc.) that my life has moved in a much better direction and that I have experienced happiness because I was true to myself and not to the falsities around me. To thine own self be true—Shakespeare said it best. It is what we are asked to do on this earth. It is the biggest challenge we face—to remain true to ourselves.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”

(William Shakespeare)